Unnecessary, illogical worrying

It isn't news to anyone that I tend to overthink things, that I'm paranoid and insecure, and that the tiniest little thing can set me off.

I'm having one of those moments.

Since I've been in America Neil has been online all the time he's not at work. If he's not on MSN he'll be logged on to googlechat on his phone. And we chat whenever I'm not at class and he's not at work or asleep. There's a few hours a day where we're both free.

Except that I've barely spoken to him since Wednesday. Two or three sentences as I was going to bed Thursday night and he was getting up for work, and then a chat yesterday afternoon. He said the plug extension thingy in his room blew and he couldn't use his computer or charge his phone. Fair enough.

But now he's not online today either. I woke up after bad dreams and looking forward to speaking to him, and he's not online. I'm emailed him, I guess he's busy. But it's okay. I miss him, and I worry about him, but I'm okay.

Or I was. Until I realised that I haven't heard from Jen in a coupla days either. She normally messages me on Facebook. Considering on Thursday Stitch and Bitch started up again and Brownies was Friday night, I was expecting messages from her telling me all about how they went. But I haven't heard from her.

So now my insecure, overthinking, paranoid brain is telling me they've run off together. Or he's spending the weekend at her house and they're doing all kinds of things and they haven't got the guts to tell me. I know that it's stupid. They don't fancy each other, and I trust them completely. But right now I'm three thousand miles away and if they're doing something together there's nothing I can do to interfere.

Of course, it's possible that Neil is just having an episode. Which makes me feel a whole lot better. (Sarcaasm for those who can't tell.) He tends to not be so communicative when he's episoding. So I'm three thousand miles away and my boyfriend might either be getting physical with my best friend, or he's episoding. I hate being so far away.

I can feel myself starting to cry. I know I'm being paranoid and illogical, but I can't help it. I can't help being scared of what's going on over there. I can't help missing Neil and Jen and I can't help worrying about them. Losing either one of them is my greatest fear, and for whatever reason they've both gone MIA, so I'm going to worry and panic and stress and get paranoid and sit here trying not to cry.

Cos I'm a moron.