New Thing # 30

Date: September 26th 2009
New Thing: send a money message

On the way to the Common Ground fair on Saturday, we stopped off for money, cos most of us were broke. One of my bills came out of the machine looking like this...



Not being able to remember the Spanish I learned in high school, I got Aimee to translate. It's basically a guy from one of the Carolinas who felt like writing his name on his money. But it gave me an idea. Kind of like the ballon message I did way back here, I wrote my email address on this $1 bill.



I can't remember now where I spent it, but it got spent. Maybe one day I'll get an email.

Common Ground Fair

On Saturday I joined Aimee, Kate, Jonny and Jaap...






...for a two hour drive north to Unity, Maine for the Common Ground Fair. Which is this thing...



The website describes it like this...

The Fair allows fairgoers to make connections with a rapidly expanding base of organic farms in the state of Maine. Hundreds of vendors, exhibitors and demonstrators, more than 1,000 volunteers, and tens of thousands of fairgoers will gather to: share knowledge about sustainable living; eat delicious, organic, Maine-grown food; buy and sell beautiful Maine crafts and useful agricultural products; compete in various activities; dance; sing and have a great time.

It was a lot of fun. I really wish I'd taken more money though, there were some delicious things for sale. The yarn! My God the Yarn!!



That stuff is Angora, which comes from bunnies like this...



Angora is ridiculously deliciously soft. I brought myself some wrist warmers made from that bunny. They're sooooo comfy.

It was a good day. There were one or two flaws. For instance, my body decided to develop hayfever and I spent most of the day with watering eyes and wandering around with one or both eyes closed. Plus, and this is the biggie, the website said there would be llamas. LLAMAS!! I was really excited to see llamas, I've never seen a real one, and we all know about my llama obsession. But I went everywhere and saw no llamas :(

I did see alpacas though.



And horses and cows and baby cows and sheeps and goats and a sheep/goat herding dog.






I also saw some shiny glass baubles which I really wanted one or six of, but didn't think they'd survive my carelessness. So I took pretty picture instead.



And then there was this...



I fell in love with it, and spent twenty minutes stroking it. If I had had enough cash on me I'd have brought it and gone without spending money for the rest of the week. But I was a little (!!) short. I did come away with some goodies though...

Crochet Critters part 2

Technically this is part 1, cos this is the first little guy I made...

What Am I?

I'm planning a big embroidery project, like a brainstorm of What I Am. I'm gonna redo it in 40 years to see what's changed. Here's what I have so far, and I'm looking for more suggestions.

WHAT AM I?

writer, poet, novelist, blogger
woman, daughter, sister, lover, best friend
tattooed
southerner
crafter, knitter, embroiderer, crocheter, sewer, beader
guider, brownie leader
eternal child
purple addled
english
student
slightly lost
curvaceous
creative
over thinker
pale
freckly
organiser
ice cream devourer
chocoholic
reader
nerd, wow player, tauren hunter, roleplayer, trekkie
websurfer
not-so-good with money
absent-minded
flirty

Crochet Critters part 1

I've talked about my troubles with crochet and I thought I'd show you a nice picture of my second creation. The first one is still awaiting some eyes.


Things I Have Learned About Maine, part 1

1) Cars are not cars. They are caahhhs. Bars are baaahhhs, and so forth. Most of the students at USM are from Maine, but very few have a Mainish accent. There are one or two though, especially the custodian for my building. It's a wonder to hear, even if it does take a minute for my head to translate it sometimes.

2) Everyone is very friendly. In England I can expect loud insults daily, occasionally minor violence and constant stares and glares. Since I have been in Maine - that'd be a month on Thursday) I have had one insult. No violence, and if there have been stares I haven't noticed them. In fact things are almost the opposite. I've had many many people compliment me on my clothes, which is just strange. At first I had flashbacks to high school, when compliments were sarcastic, and actually insults. I worried for a while that the compliments here were insults, but I'm pretty sure they aren't now. People are just friendly.

3) Public transport really is as bad as the guidebooks say. I can't get out of Gorham without a friend with a car. The university provides a shuttle bus from Gorham to Portland, but the last bus back is 10pm and there are none on Sundays. Even in Portland I think there are something like five bus routes. It's weird.

4) Everything is beautiful. The roads are lined with trees, but they aren't just lined, they're woods. Everything around here is so beautiful. I look out of my window and see a small tree, and beyond the carpark there are woods and woods and more woods, and a big mass of sky. I watched the sunset today and didn't get my camera because I didn't want to miss the changing colours.


5) Maine recieves the first rays of morning sun before any other part of the United States.

6) Maine is the only state in the USA with only one syllable in its name. Fun little factoid for you there.

7) They like using "Mainely" instead of "Mainly" in business names. I'm forever seeing companies like "Mainely Tours and Gifts" and "Mainely Tools and Plumbing."

8) MOOSE!! I love the Moose. It's everywhere. Postcards, keyrings, t-shirts. I have yet to see a real moose, but apparently there's a lifesized chocolate one in a candy store in Portland.

9) The mousetrap was invented in Maine. So were earmuffs. Bet ya didn't know that.

10) They don't appear to peel potatoes. Maybe it's just the university caterers, but the fries have skin on the end, the mash has skin in, the roast potatoes are just small potatoes roasted whole. I don't mind, I like the skin. I'm just saying. I have yet to see a peeled potato.

11) Heather is a really popular name.

12) The coast, as the crow flies, is 293 miles from top to bottom. But if you stretch all the nooks and crannies out, it measures 4568 miles.

13) Maine has 4617 islands. If you add their coastlines there are more than 7000 miles of coast in Maine. That's farther than from Boston to Tokyo, the long way round.)

14) The US Treasury, the New York Post Office, the columns at the Catherdral of St. John the Divine in New York, the Ellis Island administration building, the US House of Representatives, the New York Stock Exchange, the Library of Congress, the US Naval Academy, Brooklyn and George Washington bridges in NYC and the interior facings of the Washington Monument are ALL built from Maine granite and stone.

15) Tony Shalhoub (of Monk, Spy Kids, Men in Black, Thirteen Ghosts and Galaxy Quest fame) is a USM graduate. He got a bachelors in drama in 1977.

There ya go... just a few ramblings. Part 2 will be coming.

New Thing # 29

Date: September 19th 2009
New Thing: go apple picking

When I was a little girl I thought that Heaven was a great big library with a huge comfy armchair and a barrel of ever-fresh apples. So when I was offered the chance to go apple picking today I figured it'd be fun.

It was. Lots of fun. The trees were a lot smaller than I was expecting. I guess I was thinking of back garden apple trees, but these were teeny, although the apples ranged from teeny tiny to hugemoungous! And they were tasty too.





We paid for a bag, they had various sizes. My half a peck bag was $6 and we filled them up with the delicious tasty Cortland apples.



I also got a teeny tiny pumpkin. I have no idea what I'm going to do with it. I only got it cos it was very very cute.



They had a cider mill there too, and I brought a little bottle of that. Was interesting. First off I was worried that I was being sold cider by two small boys, until Aimee pointed out that it wasn't alcoholic. I guess my brain figures cider = booze. I didn't know it came in non-alcoholic versions. It's tasty though.

And so are these...



Aimee made me some pies with half my apples, and they smell absolutely incredible. I'm about to go and bite into one with a nice generous dollop of vanilla ice cream.

Meet my Fish



This is Abe Wanda Herpes...

It's official...

Winning improves moods. I won a fish! A betta fish to be precise. I went to a Find Your Own Nemo event at the student center, went around the queue three times and on my 8th ping pong I landed it in a fish bowl.

Animal cruelty protesters need not worry, the fish was not in the bowl at the time. He's currently sat in his little bag in a bowl of water getting aclimated. He doesn't have a name yet, I'll post a picture when I decide his name. I'm not even entirely sure he's a he.

But I feel better. I came in and Aimee was sat at the front desk. She said I was glowing like a new momma. I'm not sure about that, but I'm definitely in a better mood than I've been all day.

USM rocks!

For those who are interested...

...and you have no idea how relieved it makes me that some people do appear to care, here is an update on the depression/episode/paper situation.

I finished the paper last night. It wasn't the best piece of work that I've ever done, but I finished it. I didn't make it to the lecture though. I couldn't fall asleep until half three, and then I was tossing and turning and waking up every half an hour all night. I slept pretty much until half past five. And I actually felt a little better for letting my body sleep.

But I've been kind of off-the-planet. I'm reminding myself of Neil when he's depressed. I keep zoning out, finding myself staring into space. I'm not sure if this is better or worse than hysterical crying and a deep-soul-sucking abyss of misery.

I kinda hate myself right now, though. I know I'm screwing up this big opportunity. I was so scared that I'd ruined it when I flunked history last semester, and I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to come here. Now that I am here I'm screwing it up again. I can see it happening, I KNOW it's happening, but when it happens I can't stop it.

I just emailed a counseler at the health service. Asked if someone could possibly talk to me through the internet, as I have trouble making and keeping appointments that I need to do. If they can't, well I'll deal with that when it comes to it.

I'm going to see my academic advisor too. She's the lecturer for my monday class, and I plan on staying behind to speak to her next week. That way, if I keep missing classes at least someone will know why. Maybe she, or a counselor, can help me speak to my other lecturers.

In the meantime I am doing the work. I had that paper done on time (I'm going to email it in now) even if I didn't make it to the class. I'm keeping on top of the reading, and I am going to start the paper I have due on Monday in a minute.

I've just seem Aimee walk past my window. She's my RA. Maybe I could speak to her. I dunno. I'm not sure if talking to a friend is better or worse than speaking to a counselor. It's her job, though. To be there for us to talk to if we have problems.

I don't know. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to pull myself out of this. I'm so scared I'm gonna screw this up, but I don't know how to stop it.

it went away, but now it's back

When I woke up today, I was fine. Ish. All day I've been fine. I ate some ice cream, I sat in the coolish breeze outside and read the book I needed to read for tomorrow. Despite the fact that it was extremely depressing (it's about a big factory fire in New York City that killed 146 people because of the bosses ignorance and stupidity) I didn't get depressed. I was fine. I sat in the TV lounge and spoke quite happily to people who came in to say hi. I even turned down a movie date upstairs so I could sit and write the one page paper I have due tomorrow. I didn't even get stressed and panicky about the stupid oral part of the assignment which is terrifying me. (I HATE STANDING IN FRONT OF THE CLASS AND SPEAKING). I didn't mind when I had a vaguely nasty comment left on my door, I think I know who it was, and I don't particularly like her either. If we weren't all in the same hall, I wouldn't even look at her. I was okay. I was reasonably confident. All was going well.

I even wrote the first half of the paper, the bit about the whole book. Nice and quick, nice and easy. Done, dusted. On to the documents.

The book is an introductary essay and then a series of historical/firsthand documents about the fire. I have to write about two of them. I wanted to start with the one by Rose Cohen, because I remembered reading her story in our main textbook which we were supposed to refer to. Gives me a good place to start.

Except....

I checked the main textbook, and it isn't Rose Cohen. It's Rahal Golub. Their stories are very similar (like ridiculously similar) - both girls watch their father turn down the fruit at breakfast to save money and then do the same to support him. I was gonna link the two but now I'm stuck. If I write that they're the same person, but with a different name in one, and they aren't actually the same person, I look like a moron. If I write that there are two people who's stories are almost identical, and they're actually the same person, then I look like a moron.

And now I'm stuck! Complete mindblock. I can't do the other document I had planned because it links to Rose Cohen's. I can't choose another two documents because I was so focused on the ones I had picked that I can't think about anything else.

And now I'm sat here fidgeting and not able to concentrate and have no idea what to write. I was already antsy about tomorrow because of the stupid oral part, now I'm completely screwed and want to go hide under the bed. And come out some time next month. I can feel the edginess sucking me back in and don't have a clue what to do about it.

Actually I do, my Cognitive Behavioural Therapist told me to think of what calms me down and makes me feel better, and to do that when I get edgy. For instance, some people like to go for a swift walk. I like to work on whatever stitchwork project I'm enjoying at the time. I have my new crochet project sat right next to the laptop, and I could reach for that, and it'd make me feel better.... for a while. Then I'd get depressed because I'd feel guilty about not working on my stupid paper!!

More sabotage

A while ago I wrote about sabotaging myself. I think I'm doing it again.

Today I woke up late. When my alarm clock went off I hit it and went back to sleep. When I finally woke up I went to the bathroom to get ready and promptly burst into tears. For hours.

Cue episode. I ended up rooting through my things to see if there was anything I could use to self-harm with. I didn't cut, even though I wanted to, but I've been feeling lousy all day. I've been over to the spaceship (that's the Brooks Student Center for the uninitiated) and got a load of food (not all unhealthy stuff either) at one point, then came home and promptly got back into my pajamas and went back to bed.

I've been laying in my bed just surfing and watching Hulu all day. And I feel like crap. I had horrible nightmares all night, though I can't remember any now, I'm screwing up this big opportunity (again!!), I'm wasting all the time and support I've been given from people who are helping me, I'm just generally a great big fucking screw up.

I snapped out of it about half an hour ago, and sat up at my desk to do some work, except now I feel worse. I keep going to do something, and find myself staring into space, or fidgeting and doing something else, then fidgeting and doing something else. I can't concentrate on anything. All I want to do right now is cash in my return flight and go home. I know it won't be any better at home; it'd probably be worse, but I'd be home with the people I care about. Neil could hold me and I'd feel safe again.

I'm such a waste here. Someone else could be using this place at USM. So far I've had 15 timetabled classes. I've missed 8 of them. I've screwed up the attendance AGAIN!! The first time was legitimate. I got lost, and couldn't make it on time. Then I missed last Thursday because I overslept - except that I didn't. I woke up, turned the alarm clock off and decided I didn't have the oomph to go.

Yesterday I had to wake up ridiculously early to go get my contraceptive injection, because I missed the appointment on Thursday. I was meant to have a lecture at 4pm yesterday. I knew that if I came home I'd fall asleep so I spent the interim hours in the library and then in the cafeteria. I almost fell asleep in the cafeteria. I decided (with a little help from some fish) not to go to class. Then I lied to my professor, and to Neil. This morning I woke up and had the whole crying fit.

I don't think there has been a single school or college or university term since I was 13 that I've had a decent attendance. I WANT to learn. I'm enjoying these classes. I WANT my degree. But sometimes I just can't. I know I'm cocking it up. Believe me, I'm terrified that I'm gonna end up in the same mess I was in with History last semester. I nearly blew my chance to fulfil a dream because of my stupid attendance and my stupid self-sabotage. Now I'm here, I'm living this dream, and I'm blowing it. I'm blowing it and there's nothing I can do about it.

I feel like my body has been taken over. My brain is screaming at me to get off my ass and to go to classes and to learn my lessons from last time. And I can't do it. I feel trapped and I don't know what to do.

I'm kinda dreading my roommate coming home. My episodes have never been particularly private. I'll text people and get someone to talk to. And I've had episodes in front of Neil and Jen. But I've never shared a room with soemone and had them come home while I was in the middle of an episode before. I'm trying so hard not to cry at the moment that I have that painful knot in my throat. I don't want her to come home and see me crying.

I don't know what to do. I want to work, I want to concentrate on my readings and catching up. It's not like I don't have lots of work to be doing. But chances are I'm going to post this to the interwebs, pray that no one reads it, pray that someone does, and go back to randomly surfing the internet or staring at nothing in space.

Dedicated to the Ones I Love

I saw this postcard on Postsecret and I instantly thought of two specific people in my life.



I've had a lot of trouble coming to terms with my past, but I'm getting there. A lot of bad shit has happened, but if it hadn't, I wouldn't be sat in Maine right now, and I wouldn't have these wonderful people at home missing me and loving me and waiting for me.

I used to pray for a chance to redo things, but now I wouldn't take that opportunity if it was offered to me. All of the crap I've been through in my life led me to them, and they are more than worth it.

New Thing # 28

Date: September 7th 2009
New Thing: See a baseball game

As I mentioned in this post, at the start of this week I went to see a baseball game. Not only have I never seen a game live, but I've never seen one at all. And hence, it was a New Thing.

I've already described it in the aforementioned (that's twice I've used that word in half an hour) blog, so I'll just post some pictures. And a vaguely disturbing video of the Boy Singers of Maine singing the National Anthem.








That there is Jaap, who is Dutch




And that there is Geni, Holly and Johnny (aka the British Contingent)






Note> unfortunately no video of the national anthem, cos it wouldn't upload :-(

A stitching advancement

A loonnnng time ago I decided I wanted to crochet. My dear friend Cayden taught me how. You can read about it all here, it was one of my New Things. It did not end well.

I can chain. I can chain forever and ever and ever. It's finger-knitting with a hook. But whenever I try the next step I end up with a big knot of yarn that I can't help but think would have been put to much better use as a knitted project.

Since then I've had another attempt or two, but never getting any further, so I usually forget about it. Until I go looking for knitting patterns and inevitably run across some amigurumi patterns.

This is an amigurumi...



And so is this...



And so are all these...





On the internet, and floating around the stitching circles within which I find myself at home, there are a million zillion patterns for little amigurumi dudes. And you can't flipping knit one!!

So I had another go at crocheting. This time I tried a youtube video...



And, after a few disastrous knots and a few yards of wasted yarn, I finally got the hang of it. I managed to make... well a ball. And today I made another ball. And now I have a body type thing.



Once I get a chance to find a yarn store here, I'll get some eyes and other notions and maybe by the end of next week my double ball thing will actually be some kind of amigurumi. My first crocheted project!

Of course, having learned from a video I now have no idea how to read a pattern. For this I appealed to the aforementioned Cayden and he found me a cute little pattern that says everything long hand. So that's my next step. I've done a bit of revision/research, and I think I might be able to handle a simple pattern with the shorthand version. We'll see I guess.

I am a multi-talented stitcher! I knit. I embroider. I crochet! And, after purchasing some delicious fabrics from Walmart the other day, I plan to become a seamstress as well. Watch this space.

--

UPDATE: Whilst searching for images of amigurumi to show you, I found this. I don't know if I'll ever be able to find a pattern, or if I'll ever be good enough to make it, but I WANT IT!!!