Project 200 - 28/172

I've done as many projects as I am old. I need to stop doing the little projects though, or I won't have any left for the rest of the year. I have three big projects I'm partway through that I really need to finish.



28 down
172 to go

Internet Disillusionment

I have a lot of mental issues. Aside from my depression, I also have a problem with agoraphobia. It's been a lot easier to manage in recent years, but ten years ago I'd have a panic attack whenever I left the house. So I didn't leave. I found comfort and companionship in the internet.

I LOVE the internet. You can find anything and everything you want somewhere online, and probably things you don't want to find too. There was a time when even if I didn't see or speak to a person in weeks, I was never lonely, because I had a whole community of friends online. From all over the world. So at any time of day or night, whatever was on my mind, I always had someone to talk to.

Things have changed a lot since then. I moved, and my agoraphobia subsided. I went to university, I met people IRL. I became a little more normal. But then I had my big breakdown, and dropped out of university, and had major money issues, and stopped getting regular bus tickets, and stopped going out and...

I deny it. Whenever anyone mentions that I don't go out, I tell them that it's just because I have nowhere to go. But it's more than that. I don't WANT to go out. I don't have anywhere to go, but I could go for a walk. I started to, when I was activating the Puppy Plan. Then I broke up with Neil and didn't go out for walks anymore. A part of me wants to go out for a walk, but a bigger part of me really, REALLY doesn't want to leave the house. There are lots of things I could do. I could use £3 on a payday to get a dayrider and ride the buses around randomly... I enjoy that. Or I could go for a walk. I could just go and sit on the grass across the road and read a damn book. But I don't want to. I'm lonely, but Inside is safe, and Outside is not. I don't know what I think will happen. I just want to stay indoors where I'm safe. And yes, I'm fully aware that this is a problem that needs dealing with, but it's not actually why I'm writing.

I've lived in solitude before, and wasn't lonely. But I'm lonely now. In the past I've had "text harems". A dozen people I could text when I was feeling blue, or just bored. Now there are 41 contacts on my phone and only 9 of them are actual people as opposed to businesses. Most of those are family. There are precisely three people I can talk to when I'm bored or miserable. One is too busy with work. One is my exboyfriend who I'm still in love with and probably shouldn't even be talking to. One currently has enough problems of his own.

Aside from missing the text harem, the internet is starting to feel like a lonely place too. I talk to dozens of people, but mostly on the Ravelry swaps I run, and people there are usually annoyed with me being so OCD and persistent about my listkeeping and checks. My MSN contacts list has only a few people on it, and most of them are never online (or have me blocked). I have 37 friends on Facebook, and nearly all of them are family. Social networking is HUGE at the moment... so how come I don't have any friends? Am I really that repulsive that even my online persona isn't worth talking to?

The Tell-Tale Tattoo

On my back, just hovering over my right shoulder blade, is a tattoo. Inked in the sharp curves of Klingon script, the letters translate to read “wordsmith”. I have 21 tattoos to date, but this is the one that sticks most fiercely in the forefront of my brain. It is the tell-tale tattoo. Throughout my day of internet surfing, crafting and playing with cats, the tattoo throbs. The word echoes in my brain.

On one of many shelves in my bedroom is a series of books. Books that have my poems in them. Published works. I’m a published writer. Except that I haven’t written anything in years. I’m not a writer. I’m not a wordsmith. I’m a fraud. I have lists of ideas, and a million first drafts and random paragraphs. And I have a million excuses to not sit down and write. I need to finish that knitting project. I need to feed the cat. The rug needs vacuuming. I need to defrost the freezer. I need to do absolutely anything except sit down and face the fact that I can’t write anymore.

I can open a blank page, or try to work on a half-finished piece, and all I do is sit there. Sit there waiting for inspiration to strike. Waiting for the words to flow through me onto the page. Sit there feeling like a fraud and an imposter. My shoulder heating up with the slow burn of that tell-tale tattoo.

Even now. I’m writing. And I’m pleased that I’m writing. I’m ecstatic and over-the-moon that words are appearing on the page in front of me. But I don’t know what I’m writing. These sentences don’t make sense to anyone but me. They have no form. They’re mere ramblings and nonsense. I have a blog for that. In fact, I may well copy this over to the blog in a moment. But I’m meant to be writing! Poetry! Prose! Fiction! I have this idea of the tell-tale tattoo in my head. It’s been there for years. My own personal homage to Edgar Allan Poe. But I can’t manifest that idea into an actual piece.

Perhaps... perhaps my problem lies in first person. I hate my own life. I hate myself. I find nothing about my own personality or life to be interesting, so why would I think anyone else would? Why do I write in first person all the time? My common sense is telling me that perhaps I don’t write in my journal/blog enough. Perhaps I have too many thoughts and feelings and emotions to get out of the way before I can start to create. And now that I have isolated the problem, I can work on the solution. I need to keep up with these inane ramblings. When there’s nothing more to flow, then perhaps I can create.

In the meantime, my tell-tale tattoo story needs a protagonist. Someone who isn’t me. Someone who isn’t quite nerdy enough to get a tattoo in Klingon.

Project 200 - 27/173

Here's yet another cat. And I believe there are more in the folder too. I don't think I can deny the fact that I really am a crazy cat lady. I'm not just heading there, I'm already there.



27 down
173 to go

Project 200 - 26/174

Here, have a picture of a nice innocent looking ball.



That is NOT an innocent ball. That is an EVIL BALL OF EVILNESS!!!

I'd like to end it here; leave everyone confused, but I'm not going to. This ball was made on DPNs (double pointed needles). Normally you knit with 2 needles that each only have one working end. With DPNs you're working with up to 5 needles, each with two working ends. DPNs are also evil. I have never been able to get the hand of DPNs; I tend to lose stitches very easily. So this project was a little intimidating.

Add to that the following complications...

- learning a new cast on
- learning a new bind off
- a fiddly pattern anyway
- a pattern that wasn't written with enough instruction and took two people to translate

It was not fun. But I'm pleased with the end result, and I have new skills.

26 down
174 to go

Project 200 - 25/175

I'm an 8th of the way through :-)



25 down
175 to go

How I'm Feeling Right Now

Shit. Crap. Rubbish. Lonely. Stupid. Miserable. Pathetic.

There. That's how I'm feeling right now. I was feeling much better than that earlier. Chatting on MSN with a handsome Scotsman. And by "chatting" I mean "flirting". Made me feel lovely. But then he decided to do a disappearing act, and now I feel foolish and pathetic.

Smudge is still hissing at Lexie. Lexie is the new kitten, by the way. They haven't fought, and Lexie doesn't run and hide. She'll stand her ground, hair on end, not looking happy while Smudge hisses and growls and hisses and growls. And I know that it'll wear off, even though it might take a few weeks, but I'm tired and upset and the hissing is really grating on my nerves.

I'm lonely. I don't have a lot of family I'm close to, but even the ones I could hang out with are hundreds of miles away. One of my three friends has been far too busy for me in months, and hasn't been bothered to check on me since I broke up with Neil. I think the second friend is asleep. And the third friend is Neil - who I think has decided we shouldn't be talking, since he hasn't replied in a day or two. Plus, I can't really talk to him about how I feel.

That's it. All my sources of comfort and support and distraction. I like my own company; I like having control over everything in my home and things. And in a social situation I'd much rather be with a few close friends somewhere quiet than with hundreds of people in a nightclub or a festival. But right now, when I feel lost and pathetic, I just feel alone and horrible. How pathetic am I that the only cuddles and comfort I can get is from cats?

Nameless kitten

So, despite my deep desire to own a dog, I got another cat. I would really, REALLY love to have a dog, but right now I can't really afford one, and I'm not really fit enough to walk one. Plus, I was offered this beautiful little ball of fluff..



He is a 7 and a half week old little ball of fluff. Except that he has a vagina, so he's not actually a he. He's also currently nameless. I had some ideas, but none of them really fit him. And he hasn't provided me with one of his own yet, like Smudge did. I'm sure it'll come to me.

Please forgive the bad pictures: I haven't had him during a daytime yet, and the lighting in my apartment is atrocious.





She's only been here a few hours so far, and has been isolated to the bedroom. She came in, looked around, ate a lot, then fell asleep. Slap bang in the middle of the bed, leaving me with just the edges. But she woke up about half an hour ago and has been running around squeaking at everything, including me any time I move. She doesn't appear to have developed a meow yet, just a squeak.

Smudge has been given reign of the living room. I went in to see her earlier, and make sure she knows I still love her. She had a sniff around the house, but didn't go anywhere near the bedroom. I don't think the dozy beast has even cottoned on that there's another animal in the house. She'll figure it out eventually.

Pure and Fresh

Someone called me "pure and fresh" today. Not exactly how I'd describe myself. I'm not entirely sure how I'd describe myself. Right now I'm probably more likely to use words like "alone" and "miserable" and "a mess". I'm not doing so well. The crying fits have stopped. Aside from a binge-day last week, and a minor cutting session, I'm not taking it out on myself physically. Just a lot of feeling very very miserable.

It appears that I've developed a "thing". When a big relationship ends I cut my own hair. When Michael dumped me, waayyy back in 2002, I got frustrated with my hair during an episode and tried to cut it. Didn't work, and I ended up shaving my head. This time I didn't end up bald. And to be honest, cutting the hair wasn't so much to do with Neil, as convenience. I'm still having issues with NPower, and have no gas or hot water. I can have stand up washes in front of my little electric heater, but it's been impossible to wash my hair. I've been going weeks and weeks at a time without doing anything to it, and it was nearly always matted and knotted and horrible. I got annoyed with it. Brushed it out, chopped it to my ears, and washed it in the kitchen sink. Feels sooo much better. It's now too short to tie back and ignore, and short enough for me to wash with a kettleful of water. It's just coincidental timing that it happened at the end of a relationship.

Aside from that, I'm slowly getting my routine back together. I feel like the entire inside of my body is a big pit of despair and misery, but I'm getting out of bed, and I'm crafting, and I'm washing up, and so on. My leaving-the-house has been reduced back to never. And my sleeping pattern is completely out of whack. But I'm okay. I'll be okay. Eventually. Maybe.

Project 200 - 24/176

Another little cross-stitch thing:



24 down
176 to go

Double Knitting

These pieces aren't part of Project 200, but they're a new knitting technique I've learnt. It's called Double Knitting, and you end up with the reverse looking the same as the front but in mirrored colours. Very cool.

Project 200 - 23/177

Here's another one. Had a bit of a gap because I've been working on some bigger pieces.

Lonely

On Saturday I broke up with Neil. I loe him with my whole heart, and would do anything to spend more time with him. He isn't bothered by the fact that he hasn't seen me since the end of July. It's been lopsided for years, and I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I hate that I did it, and I wish I could take it back. But it was the right thing to do. It hasn't been right since the first time we split up... way back in 2008. I just... I'm deluded.

But I miss him like crazy. I want to text him and take it back :( I'm generally fine during the day. Yesterday I got up and did the usual things I do. I did some housework and some crafting and some paperwork and things. Went to bed at a usual time, and cried for four straight hours. Was not pretty.

And I'm lonely. I'm pretty sure one of my friends isn't talking to me too. I don't know what I've done, but they aren't really responding to my messages, vanished off MSN when I logged on earlier, and hasn't mentioned my breaking up with Neil.

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry right now.

Hard decisions

Ever had to make a decision, that you really wish you hadn't? I know it was the right thing to do. Things have been off for months. More like years. It was the right thing to do. It was the right thing to do. It was the right thing to do. It needed doing.

So why do I want to take it back?

I need to stop focussing on the good stuff. The good stuff stopped after a couple of months. I need to remind myself of all the bad stuff. Of the reasons why i made that decision. There were reasons. Lots of them. I stressed about it for months. And it needed doing, damn it!

I just wish it didn't hurt so much :(

FAO Kokokat

Ages and ages ago I participated in a swap on Ravelry and received, amongst other wonderful bits and pieces, a gorgeous hat. The person who sent it to me asked me for a picture, because she'd forgotten to take one for her records. I've finally gotten around to it.



As modelled by my monkey Maxx.

Photo Missions - N, Purple, P

I've done another lot of three again. Here's N...


Nail polish

Nails

Nine marbles

NNN

Nickel

Notebooks

Necklace

Nutella

Nose

Needles

And here's some purple ones...












And finally, P...


Puzzle

Pennies

Passport

Pills

Pens

Paw

Paper

Paperclips

Pins

Pegs