Long time no blog

Hi guys. I know I haven't posted anything substantial in a while. I'd like to say that I was busy revising, but to be honest I don't think I did more than 8 hours total revision for my three exams. I might have passed two of them, it's highly unlikely I passed the third. But they're over and done with. Actually they were over and done with last week. I've spent the past week doing sod all. Sleeping, playing World of Warcraft (yes, I've been sucked into the cult, blame N), knitting, watching tv shows on my laptop and generally doing bugger all. It's been good.

The best bit has been N. I haven't seen him since Monday last week, but he's still off work so we've been texting/msning/googletalking pretty much non-stop. It's a lot like things were when we first met, which is nice. When we met he was on a high point, but not on the fluoxtine. All the troubles we had were related to his depression or my depression, and things have definitely been hard. But I love him, and as he keeps telling me, he loves me too. I keep telling myself that it won't last, that he's just on a high and that he'll go back to the Hyde N I've written so much about, but the truth is that he might not. If he stays on the fluoxetine, he should stay the way he is. And I pray to God and Buddha and Mohammad, and every other deity I've ever denied the existence of, that he does. Even if we don't make it this time and we do break up and he ends up with someone else (grrrrr, mine!!). Even if he spends his life alone, or married to some other tart, or in a gay relationship, I hope he stays on those pills because they make him a happy person. He doesn't just drift, he actually enjoys himself. And I want him to be a happy person more than anything else in the world.

In other news, I've dispensed with my hard copy New Things scrapbook, but I'll still be posting blogs. I have two or three things to catch up on, but I will get around to it at some point. Possibly.

post-its galore!

addicted to lols

I've always liked Lolz. It started with lolcatz and moved on to loldogz and lolcelebs and growing with each new comic or site I'm referred to. I've recently discovered, thanks to N's phone, a new site called laffles. Now, I like to save the lols that really make me laugh, for future enjoyment, you know. But on Laffles you can't save them, so we were googling other instances of the same pictures. Which only led to more lols sites. Then I realised that on some of these new sites people were posting pictures from OTHER sites. It's a never ending cycle. I currently have (including quote sites and blogs) over 40 sites that I check for updates on a daily basis. Can you say addicted?

But they're funny. They cheer me up. And here's a brilliant example. It's just cute at first, but around the 0.50 mark it gets absolutely hilarious and had me giggling for ten minutes. I want that cat.

One Day One Sentence

Monday 11th May 2009 - said goodbye to N after a wonderful weekend, went to Uni to finish a VE workbook and poster and to not go to my politics lecture.

Tuesday 12th May 2009 - spent all day in bed until I discovered that a training session I thought was Thursday was actually tonight and needed to prepare for it.

Wednesday 13th May 2009 - discovered the addictive joy that is WoW but had to stop after a few hours to write a politics workbook that would have been a whole lot easier if I'd actually gone to politics lectures.

Centennial!!

This was going to be a One Day One Sentence update, but then I noticed that so far I've written 99 posts, which would make this my 100th! It's important, it's special, it's a landmark, it's my centennial!

Having said that, I have no idea what to write about. Things are a little meh at the moment. N went home yesterday, after a wonderful weekend that I enjoyed immensely. I have work to do, I have brownie training tonight, I'm starving but can't be assed to get out of bed. The usual.

So my centennial is pretty much a bust. Shoulda gone with the One Day One Sentence update.

Double Date

I had a very good day on Saturday. N and I went on a double date with GKL and IMP. GKL and I haven't been able to double date for ages. Our dating situations just haven't been in synch, but Saturday was fun. GKL and IMP were late so we missed the showing of the film we'd planned to see, but we went shopping for an hour instead. IMP brought GKL two skirts that are very very her. Slightly flared (I don't know the correct term) and all spotty. Very pretty. And N brought me a book and a bag. He's very lovely when he's on his drugs. Yay for fluoxetine!

After the random shopping, and the dragging N across bus stations to meet other friends, we went to see Star Trek. I sat knitting through most of it, but to the bemusement of N. And apparently my dear friend C, who is also an addicted stitcher, thinks it's an abomination to knit during Star Trek and plans to metaphorically kill me. It's not like I'm not a dedicated Trekkie. I have a tattoo in Klingon!! And I had my full attention on the movie, my hands were just busy.

The movie was good. I was all prepared to absolutely hate it. I've despised it since I first heard of its conception. But it impressed me. The actors managed to portray the traits of the original characters pretty well. "green blooded hobgoblin". Hehe, had me giggling for a while.

I have my niggles though. The transporter beam was this white whirly cgi thing instead of the snowstorm it should have been, and the bridge was too white and advanced and shiny. It was as bad as Star Wars, having superior technology in the flipping past. I may have had a minor nerd attack on the way out and nearly required physical restraining. I do remember beginning to hyperventilating. But overall I was impressed.

The second part of the date was dinner at Taybarns where all four of us stuffed ourselves silly. I was vaguely disappointed that they'd replaced their melt-in-the-mouth gammon carvery with a mildly overcooked beef joint, but it was still good. And they could serve nothing but fried insects for main course, the chocolate fudge sauce, ice cream and profiteroles they have would more than make up for it.

The four of us sat chatting for longer than we were eating. It was nice. It's good to see N socialising, even though I know he's not entirely comfortable with it. And even GKL admitted that he has improved a lot since a few months ago. Again, yay for fluoxetine! IMP was a little quiet, but then he usually is unless he's drunk.

And then, while I was dead to the world after finishing a workbook for uni, N had an MSN conversation with C. They seem to have clicked, which I knew they would. They have loads in common. But I'm very happy. I like that N gets on with my friends. It makes things a whole lot easier. And it'll make my faux-birthday party a lot less awkward too.

I'm going to be in Maine for my birthday this year, so I'm turning my rapidly-becoming-tradition end of exams extravaganza party into a joint end of exams and birthday party. That way I get to celebrate with my friends, albeit 5 months early. N said he'll be coming, and the KURA gang will be there as usual (those guys are fantabulous party guests). C is attending, and SC (one of the girls from Stitch and Bitch). And of course GKL and IMP will be in attendance. It'll be fun, I'm looking forward to it. It'll be interesting to see what N is like when he's drunk. I don't think I've ever seen him drunk. Of course, he's never SEEN me drunk, only heard from me through phone calls and texts. All kinds of things might happen. :D

One Day One Sentence

Saturday 9th May 2009 - went on a double date with N, GKL and IMP to see Star Trek and then stuff ourselves silly at Taybarns.

Sunday 10th May 2009 - spent the day working and sleeping and watching telly curled up around my N.

One Day One Sentence

Tuesday 5th May 2009 - worked on essay and cried a lot, before deciding that I am completely and utterly insane.

Wednesday 6th May 2009 - gave my group presentation for the study abroad module and almost fell asleep watching everyone else's.

Thursday 7th May 2009 - handed in a finished Politics essay and picked up an extenuating circumstances form for the History essay that I was NOT going to get finished on time.

Friday 8th May 2009 - wrapped myself around my boyfriend who came down to see me.

Curled Up

As I type this, I'm sat up in my bed, and N is laying next to me fast asleep. I'm very happy he's here :D Any problems I have don't seem half as bad when he's here. And when he holds me and kisses me and tells me that he's mine and that he loves me, I feel like I could conquer anything.

He's doing better. His doctor has him on antidepressants, the same ones I'm on but a much higher dose. He's been swinging from highs (being hyper and happy and buzzy) to lows (not on the planet, or even in the solar system). But the swinging seems to be easing. He's levelling out a little bit and, thank god, appears to be settling in the higher range of things. Not so much hyper, which is good cos he can't concentrate when he's hyper so he can't work. But he's a lot more like the N I first met. He's sweet and attentive and tells me I'm beautiful and that he loves me, and he isn't half as distant as he has been in the past.

He's even being vaguely social. We're going on a double date with GKL and IMP this afternoon. We're going to see the Star Trek movie, and then off to Taybarns to stuff our faces. It'll be fun. I don't think GKL and I have had a chance to double date in well over a year.

Hmmm, N looks so peaceful while he's sleeping. And I'm not the only one being stalkerish and watching him sleep. He watches me too. In fact, I found a loldog that pretty much sums us up.


see more dog and puppy pictures

I'd be the drooler. Lol.

Have I mentioned that I'm glad he's here? I just wish he'd wake up, or that I could stop being so awake. I might go curl up around him and see if I can fall asleep again.

Well that didn't work....

Yesterday I came into the library to collect books to back up my Politics essay, and some to start my History essay. And this morning at home I finished the Politics essay. I caught the first bus (as you know if you read the earlier blog) to the library to come print it off, and to hopefully write a History essay.

The deadline for these essays is between 10 and 12 today. I had approximately five hours to write one. In theory I could have done it. It wouldn't have been very good, but I could have done it. If I'd done the research, and had notes to work from, I would definitely have been able to do it. And it would have been reasonably good too.

However.... I didn't happen. It's half past nine. I've collected books, I've got some notes and I've made a start. I have about three hundred of the required two thousand words. I don't think I've made it, and my brain having made that decision I can't do anymore. Every time I try I get flustered and start the hyperventilating thing again. So, I've made the decision to forget it. I'm not going to spend the next two and a half hours stressing about it, or I'll end up with an episode.

I'm going to take my Politics essay in, and collect an extenuating circumstances form. I've written and printed a list of problems to hand to my doctor and plan to go to the doctor's this afternoon. My current plan is to hand the extenuating circumstances form in on Monday, with an explanation, and a copy of my prescription (which will hopefully be bigger) and hand in the essay next week. That's the plan, anyway.

But I am NOT going to force myself right now. Because I know full well that if I do it'll probably end in bloodshed. Literally.

At a bus stop

I'm writing this on my phone so i'll be limited, but bare with me. I'm on my way to keele to do some work. Print off the finished politics essay and write the history essay. I've chosen a new question, one I hope will be easier. I wish GKL could help me write it though. It's practically about her. Culture and society in 1950s America. But I'll manage alone. Hopefully. Something has just occurred to me. Blogger logged me on without asking for a password. It does that at every computer I use. That can't be right, surely? Unless it has some magic system that tells it I'm the one clicking the "sign in" button, which is doubtful. I should see why it does that, before you lot cotton on that you can just click the "sign in" button and play havoc with my blog. Oh, I wonder if it'll work with other people's? Note to self, when I get to the library (after I've gathered the pile of books I need) go to GKL's blog, click the "sign in" button and see what happens....

Sabotage

I never got any A-Levels because I couldn't survive the full two years in college and usually had mini breakdowns and dropped out. A couple of years ago when I decided I was improved enough to attempt University, I had every intention of trying my damnedest. Especially with a trip to study in America dangling in front of my like the proverbial carrot.

I scraped through my Foundation Year. Barely. My work was good, or so I was told. The problem was my attendance. I'd have days where I couldn't face opening my eyes, let alone leaving the house, and I just wouldn't go in. So I didn't. And for some reason - probably the same part of me that doesn't go to doctor's appointments - I wouldn't email or call them either. So my attendance was appalling. I received written warnings about it. All year I planned to go to the disability services people at Keele to get the help and acknowledgement of my problem that I needed. I made appointments and never went. Several times.

After barely passing a few modules and having the fear of God put into me over the summer, I made a conscious decision to do better this year. To show up to all the lectures and do all the work and to go to the damned disability services people.

It started off well, for a while. But by Christmas I hadn't attended a single seminar for one module, my attendance was slipping again with everything else and I'd missed four seperate appointments with the disability people. After Christmas came exams and I wrote nothing but tripe during one of them because my mind went blank and all I could think about was clowns. I need to pass all my modules at a certain percent to go to America next year and I was convinced that screwing up the exam meant I wouldn't make it. I didn't see the point in trying. I very nearly quit then. But, by some miracle, I scraped through again.

For a few weeks of the second semester I was rejuvenated. I had been given another chance, and this time I would do it properly. But, once again, I failed. So far this semester I have yet to attend a single History lecture, and I've only been to two of the seminars. Even if I showed up outside the door to them now I would not be able to physically force myself through the door for the same reason I can't go into lectures when I'm late. I just can't do it. It isn't just fear, it's a physical barrier that stops me.

When the Easter holidays started I was ridiculously behind with all my reading. But I was okay. It was a four week holiday. I intended to catch up on all the reading, write the two essays I have due, do the research for the group project and fill in the politics workbook and the VE workbook. Simple. Four weeks. No job, friends either working or out of town. Easy as pie.

Except I didn't do it. I spent a few nights in the library when they started their 24 hour scheme, and caught up with quite a bit, but not enough. And I didn't start the essays. I have deadline reminders on my computers. I could see the days passing by, I knew I had to do it, but I did nothing more than look at the questions and come up with a few ideas.

Then we get to Saturday just gone. I glanced at the timer, realised how little time I really had to do two 2000 word essays and decided to get a start on them. Nope.

Monday, 100 words of the politics, nothing on History.

Tuesday. I worked a bit in the library earlier, but then came home and went to bed because I was utterly exhausted.

It's now 4am in the morning of the Wednesday. I've done approximately 1600 words of the politics essay. I'll finish that easily. I need to go to the library later to check out some sources and fill in some gaps, but it's sorted. It kind of makes sense. Infuriatingly I came up with a much better angle for the essay as I was writing the conclusion, but I don't have time to redo it. If I'd started it during Easter like I'd planned to, I would have, but I didn't, so I don't. So I'll be handing in my mediocre essay instead.

I still haven't even started the History essay. I have a question. But I haven't read the text book, I haven't been to any of the lectures, I've only been to two seminars. Every time I sit and try to start the essay, and any time I've tried to work on either of them over the last few days, I get frustrated and angry and lost concentration and then scared and worried and start to cry.

Anytime I think about the state I've gotten myself in at Uni I get completely overwhelmed and feel like dropping out. The ONLY thing that's kept me from dropping out so far is this Maine trip. I've wanted to study in America since I was a small child, and it's the only thing keeping me hanging on. But a few hours ago, when my Politics essay was nothing but 800 words of nonsense, even that carrot was losing it's appeal. I wanted to drop out. I wanted to forget about Maine and drop out and hide and stay in my room forever and knit and read and surf the web.

I still do.

I don't know if I can do it. I'm making such a hash of things. Even if I work to complete the other essay today and do nothing but read and catch up I'm still going to fail the exams I have in two weeks. I'm still going to not get the grades and I won't get to go to Maine anyway. And if, by some bloody insane miracle, I do scrape through by the skin of my teeth again, what then? I'll go to Maine, and have the same problems all over again? Not be able to go to lectures there. What if it's worse there? What if because I have no friends or family support I get worse? What if the reading builds up on me? What if I miss a lecture and can't face going to any others? I can't do it.

When I started at Keele, there were lots of people who didn't think I'd be able to do it. They were convinced I'd drop out, like I dropped out of three different colleges. My determination to prove them wrong was what pushed me through the Foundation year. But that determination has gone now. What if they're right? Maybe I'm not cut out to do this. Maybe I should just quit now and save myself all the hassle.

All of my problems with the work are my own fault. No one is preventing me going to lectures. The disability people aren't cancelling appointments with me. Nothing is stopping me doing the work. It's me sabotaging myself. Maybe I should take the hint.

Twisted in the head

Last Friday I had an interview with an independent medical service to determine whether or not I was still screwed up in the head enough to continue getting my incapacity benefit. I was terrified. I had one of these interviews a few years ago and they decided that since I'd made it to the interview, and was dressed and coherent, then obviously I was fine and shouldn't get any benefit. I appealed, but it took nearly eight months to get an appeal meeting during which time I was living on baked beans and pasta, and selling my possessions on eBay to get by. I could have tried to get a job, but there are very few jobs I can do without being driven insane. Not to mention the fact that it's the pressure of HAVING to do the job to live that makes me tip over.

Anyway, after cancelling the interview once, I finally showed up at Festival Park, after having left the house three hours early (6am) because that was when I felt I could do it and if I'd left it any later I wouldn't have gone in. I was so very scared. I had a minor panic attack in the waiting room. But the nurse I spoke to was very nice. She was very understanding and I ended up telling her things I haven't told my doctor. Then I burst into tears. The nurse gave me a quick hug and told me that I really needed to tell my doctor everything.

See, now this is very logical to me. If I was someone else reading this I'd be screaming at me, not understanding why I haven't already told the doctor. I don't even know why I haven't, but I haven't. There's lots I haven't told him about. It doesn't help that my doctor is an insensitive abrupt twat, but I think I've finally reached the point where I need to come completely clean with him. The nurse thinks I'm not on the right dosage of my medication, and that I desperately need therapy. She's probably right on both counts. I know she's right about the therapy, but more about that in a minute.

Tomorrow I'm going to see my doctor, in theory, and tell him everything. EVERYTHING. Things I haven't even told my best friends. Which is incredibly scary. C suggested I write a letter tonight and hand that to the doctor, which is what I'll probably do. If I manage to drag myself to the appointment I know I need, I'll probably invent some minor excuse and not tell him anything. So, once I've done this I'm going to write out a nice letter for my insensitive abrupt twat of a doctor and hope he puts my dose up.

As far as the therapy goes, I have the same problem with that as with other doctor and dentist appointment. I know I need to go. I know things will get worse if I don't go. But I can't. I make appointments, but I cancel them. I find excuses to not go. I deliberately don't show up and don't give them warning so they won't have me back. Why do you think the dental work I had done earlier this year was so drastic? Because I left it so late to sort out. Those problems started years ago. If I'd gotten them seen to right away I'd probably have a full mouth of teeth right now and wouldn't have had to to go through that. I knew it was going to end up with horror, but I couldn't force myself to go. It's the same with the counselling. I know that I'm never going to get better if I don't go, and I know I'll probably end up alone at 45 and overdose and get gnawed to a skeleton by my fifty cats. But I can't go. I've been before. I've had various meetings with counsellors and therapists. Including the one at Keele. I go to the initial meeting, come out feeling a million times worse and refuse to go back. I make second appointments, but never stick to them. I can't do it.

However, while I'm in Maine I have to pay an $80 health fee to cover me for the university surgery while I'm there. This fee includes 12 visits to the counselling service. Since I'll be paying for it, and since it's in a neutral place, I'm planning on taking advantage and having my counselling there. If I even make it to Maine, but that's my next post.

Daily Writes 1: Empowerment

As I mentioned in my Writer's Inklings blog a few days ago, I'm going to start to doing writing exercises on here. Here's the first one...

Empowerment - I Am

Day one is THE beginning. Today you'll give meaning to your name. You'll put character in the name you've owned all these years. You'll give your name a beginning.

To be able to free and develop the writer inside you, you'll need to be empowered. Empowerment won't come from your family, it won't come from your friends, it won't come from writing books. Empowerment will have to come from you. And so you will start by recognising the strength of your name and setting your deepest hopes, fears and dreams free.

What you need to do:-

1) Write your name in big bold letters on top of a blank page.
2) Beginning with the first letter in your name, write down all the adjectives you can think of that begin with that letter.
3) When you cannot think of any more adjectives, move on to the next letter in your name and repeat the process.
4) Now look at your list of adjectives.
5) Read them one by one.
6) Mark the adjectives that describe who you are.
7) Now look at the words you marked.
8) On a separate piece of paper, use each of those adjectives to make a statement about yourself. For example: I am (your adjective here) because (something that demonstrates that adjective).
9) You'll be able to come up with varying statements - sometimes conflicting ones, sometimes positive, sometimes negative.
10) Don't be afraid to write and read a seemingly negative statement of yourself.
11) If you do encounter something like it, reflect on that statement.
13) By doing so, you will be facing your fear and giving yourself the opportunity to do something to change it.
14) For your positive statements, reinforce them because they started the process of your empowerment.
15) Choose two of your sentences and develop them into paragraphs.

When you're done, you will hold your name in high regard, and you will have taken that first step towards empowerment.


Ok, so here I go....

CLEO

C - creative, clever, cruel, clumsy, cagey, callous, calm, captivating, caring, charming, chaste, chatty, chauvinistic, cheeky, chic, curvy

L - laborious, lackadaisical, lacklustre, lame, large, loud, lazy, liberal, light-footed, likeable, lively, logical, lonely, lopsided, lovely

E - ebullient, eccentric, efficient, egotistical, empathic, ephemeral, erotic, evasive, evanescent, evenhanded, exacting, exciting

O - obedient, objectionable, obliging, obscene, observant, obsessive, obstinate, obtuse, odd, offensive, omnisexual, open-hearted, optimistic, orderly, ornery

"So many of the hobbies in my life involve being creative, I wouldn't enjoy them so much if I wasn't."

"According the supervised Mensa IQ test I took, I'm extremely clever."

"Someone who looks like me can only be captivating. You try not to glance when you see me coming."

"Curvy is the nicer way to describe my body shape."

"Large is a nice way, but not as nice as curvy."

"Whether as part of my inherent nature, or because of the depression, or because of the antidepressants, I definitely suffer from laziness."

"I am a liberal, not in political terms, but in the sense that I believe everyone has a right to do whatever they wish, or be however they wish."

"According to some recent revelations from friends, I'm very likeable, although I'm not entirely sure I agree."

"My right foot is bigger than the left, my right ankle is bigger, my right boob is smaller and my right eye is smaller. Hence, lopsided."

"Anyone who knows me knows that I have my eccentric moments."

"Without divulging too many details of my sex life, I can definitely say that I'm erotic."

"My sense of humour and willingness to talk about sex anywhere and with anyone contributes to me being obscene."

"If you've witnessed an organisation or spelling correction attack then you've seen only a minor part of my obsessive side."

"If one is to understand obstinate as a synonym for stubborn, then the term definitely applies to me."

Clever

"The Mensa IQ test identified my IQ as 149. Considering that different tests produce different results, the number you really need to pay attention to is the percentile, in my case the top 1% of the country. Sounds impressive doesn't it? And in a way it is. I am very intelligent, I'm very clever, I can be very logical in theory if not in practice. I do not, however, have a single teeny tiny ounce of common sense. Take, for instance, last Monday night. I have a dodgy ankle, I know full well I have a dodggy ankle, and I know that if I slip on it or twist it I'm highly likely to severely damage it again. Yet when I was waiting at the bus stop I could not stop myself walking a tightrope walk along the edge of the kerb, even though I knew (logically) that I was going to fall off and twist my ankle. Very clever. No common sense."

Likeable

"I find it difficult to approach people and talk to them, so I naturally assumed that I was just as difficult to approach and talk to. Apparently I'm wrong. A few days ago a friend filled in a quiz about her facebook friends and was asked what her first impression of me was. She said I was 'interesting and easy to strike up a conversation with'. I was astonished. I checked with some other friends and apparently they agree. Who knew?"

Bad Bank Holiday

I had a good weekend. After spending a fortune on Friday, I went out with GKL and C on Saturday and we visited our secret yarn store. I brought some Noro to start a shawl with, and yarn to start Christmas presents with (since I've decided not to take knitting to Maine because it's too bulky, all my knitted presents need to be finished by August - I'll let you know how that goes). We went to Nero and had frappes, and sat knitting. We went to the Potteries and GKL splurged and brought herself some J'adore. I came home and sat chatting to N for hours. And on Sunday I spent all day playing with Comet and chatting to N.

N is doing well. His antidepressants are kicking in, and he's no longer on a different planet. He's currently in a hyper stage. Which has it's benefits and it's drawbacks. On the plus side, he's a lot more willing to be emotional and flattering when he's hyper. He's like he was when we very first met. And he's happy, which is always a plus. On the downside, he can't really concentrate. He has the major fidgets and can't focus on much, so work is still a problem. Is it wrong that I want him to stay as hyper N, even if it means he's signed off sick for ever? I like hyper N.

But I've had a good weekend. I'm generally happy. Things are going well. So why the hell did I have an agoraphobic attack this morning?

A few years ago when I was living in Southampton I went through an agoraphobic phase. I wouldn't leave my house. It stemmed from my fear of crowds, which stemmed from checking every single face I saw to make sure it wasn't someone I knew and needed to avoid. I had trouble opening the front door and stepping out of it. I'd get overcome with waves of terror and panic attacks. Inside my home I could control what happened to me. Outside, in the big scary world, anything could happen. Anyone could get me. So I didn't go out. For months at a time.

But I got over it. When I moved to Stoke the agoraphobia all but disappeared, leaving a few remnants when I was tired or edgy. Until today. Actually, it's happened a few times this year. I was up and dressed and ready to go to uni for my politics lectures. I was actually looking forward to it. Lectures weren't 'til two, but I decided to go in early to do some work in the library. Around half 10 I went downstairs, put on my boots and went to open the front door.

It was like hitting a wall. One of those invisible force field barriers you see in movies. I couldn't reach out and open the door, let alone step through it. Every time I tried I was hit with an overwhelming sense of terror. Utter and complete fear and panic. If I even tried to push through it I started hyperventilating and shaking and new I'd have a panic attack.

Not good. I was fine sat in the living room. And I know full well that if NW had been down there I wouldn't have had a problem. I'd have walked straight out. I never have a problem if someone else is around. But I had the problem today. I sat in the lounge for over an hour, trying every so often to leave the house. It didn't happen. It got to the point where I burst into tears just because N told me he loved me in a text. So I gave up, and came upstairs to my safe bedroom, where I can control what happens and instantly everything was fine again.

I started to do some work, but fell asleep and woke up about 45 minutes ago, only to experience a wave of guilt and humiliation. I'm the organiser type person for my group in the Intercultural Communication module at uni. We have a presentation to do on Wednesday morning and I organised a last run-through meeting for this evening. And I missed it. I was the one who organised it. I'm the one who nags people. And I missed it. I feel stupid and guilty and evil.

Why can things never go right?

One Day One Sentence

Monday 4th May 2009 - physically couldn't leave the house, fell asleep, missed vital group project meeting, feel like crap

One Day One Sentence

Thursday April 30th 2009 - went to a Guiding craft event and had a lot more fun than I'd expected.

Friday May 1st 2009 - horrible interview, brand new laptop, shiny new tattoos, comics and yarn and crafting and Brownies.

Saturday May 2nd 2009 - a return to that wonderful heaven of a secret yarn store and a purchase of NORO!!!

Sunday May 3rd 2009 - 8 hours talking to my beloved online and discovering that my favourite thing about my new laptop is the webcam.

Introducing... Comet

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to Comet. Comet is my new laptop, purchased (surprise!) from Comet. PC World were out of stock of the two I was interested in. Why display items if you don't have them in stock? Morons.

Anyway, Comet is an Acer Aspire 5735, and has 4gb Ram (that's 8 times what Archimedes had) and 500gb of harddrive space (that's more than eight times what Archimedes had) and a dual core processor and a webcam and all sorts. Most importantly, it has keys! Lots of them. All of them. Allow me to demonstrate.

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Of course, I could have done that on Archimedes, but my finger would be bleeding by now.

I love Archimedes. We went through a lot together, and he served me well. But his time is over. Once I'm sure I haven't left anything on him I'll be taking to him with a hammer, or possibly a screwdriver. Maybe both. Comet, I'm sure, will serve me well too. I bloody hope. She cost a bit more than I'd budgeted for, but it is well worth it. She's beautiful.