One Step Closer to Maine

One of the benefits of studying at Keele is their Study Abroad programme. I have the opportunity to spend the first semester of my 2nd year at one of Keele's many Partner Universities and as an American Studies student I am naturally planning to go to America. During the initial part of the process I decided my first choice was University of Southern Maine, my second choice was Minnesota State and my third choice was Willamette (in Oregon).

Naturally, one of the conditions of being able to go on this exchange is that I pass all of my first year modules. So, when I could think of nothing but clowns during an exam last semester I seriously thought I'd blown it and was pretty upset. Aside from not getting to go to America, if I fail my first year there is no way I can afford to repeat a year (you only get five years of Student Loan allowance and I used one doing part of an HND, and one doing a Foundation Year at Keele). I only have three left for my degree. So, after the clown fiasco I was kinda upset.

Part of me wanted to quit then and there, and not bother returning for the 2nd semester, but my friends (quite rightly) told me that I was being silly and that I probably didn't do as badly as I thought. So I started the 2nd semester of my first year with some mild enthusiasm. I enjoy the Politics lectures, having some difficulty with History. I also have an Intercultural Communications module (which is getting ready for the exchange), a Sex and Survival module and a Student Volunteering module (which involves no lectures, continuing to do Brownies and filling in a workbook every so often). In the first few weeks I got a bit behind with the copious amounts of reading I had to do in what I referred to as "meh attacks". I just could not be assed to do the work. I took it as another stage of depression. Something around the same level as Edgy, but not quite the same.

Then last week we had our module results. I passed. I'm not entirely sure how, but I scraped through the clown exam with a score of 53%. That must have been for spelling my name correctly, or the examiner was dyslexic and meant to write 35%. Either way, I'm not complaining. After the relief of those results I went on a bit of a work bender (partly aided by pro plus, I have to admit). I caught up on a bit of reading. I realised that my meh attacks were because I was convinced I'd already failed and didn't see the point of continuing. But, since I didn't fail, I have renewed enthusiasm. I'm still behind. And I didn't do the work I'd planned to do yesterday because I slept until six pm, although after vomiting four times today I feel a lot better.

Today I had an email from the Study Abroad people reminding us that our acceptance fee is due tomorrow, which came as a surprise to me because I didn't even realise the placement list had gone up. So I got a friend to look for me and discovered they've placed me in Maine.

Woohoo!! I'm going to Maine.

Not quite yet, of course. Lots still needs to be done. I need to pass this semester's modules, I need to apply to Maine, pick courses and get them approved by my subject's exchange co-ordinator, get a visa, sort out all kinds of little niggly bits of paperwork (ooooo, yummy :D I'm the only person on the course looking forward to that bit). But, all things going well, I'll be matriculating with the students of USM this fall. Classes start at 8am on August 31st. I'll have to get there earlier than that of course, for orientation and whatnot, but August 31st is the only definite date I have so far. In 26 weeks, 5 days, 12 hours and 48 minutes I'll be starting classes in Maine. In America.

:D:D:D There is no little emoticon to quite demonstrate how big the grin on my face is right now.

It won't last long. I give it another day or two before all the fears start flooding in again. They always do.

What a day!

Today has been fantastic. Last night I was on the verge of cancelling my plans for today and going to Preston to see N. I desperately wanted... a cuddle. But I'm glad I didn't, cos I really enjoyed today.

I woke up at stupid o'clock - just another sign that I'm a masochist. I keep planning reasons to get up before noon on a Saturday - last week it was taking the Brownies to the cinema, this week it's going to a Craft for Crafters Fair in Telford. I went with GKL and C. I won't go into too much detail, cos it's my New Thing for this week so I'll be posting about it in the next couple of days anyway. But it was a REALLY good day.

And in the evening the three of us hung out in my room with IMP, watching movies and getting on with our various crafts/tasks and things. It was fun. For the first time in a long time, I wasn't just coping, or feeling okay, I was actively physically happy. There's only one other time that happens to me at the moment, and he was in Preston all weekend. You can see the evidence in the photo we asked a stranger to take of us. Normally in photos I have this kinda pout, but in this picture I have a genuine, happy smile on my face and (even though I'm overexposed - flash, not naked) I look really good. I'll stick the picture up with the New Things post.

In other news, thanks to a new website addiction I have and to C's wonderful suggestion, I have a new blog. Not a replacement, a supplement. I've got a notebook too. Don't I always? It's like a microdiary. I write one sentence about each day. You'll be able to find it here.... http://oneday-onesentence.blogspot.com/

Thoughts and ponderings

After I set up and started using this blog I noticed that neat little 'next blog' button up there at the top of the screen. I discovered that if you clicked on it you got taken to a random Blogger blog. After a few million of these I stumbled upon this one. A blog for geeky girls. Definitely something I could enjoy. And I do, occasionally. Browsing through archives I discovered a post about 100 Sexiest Geeks or some such fun, so I had a look. On this list I discovered a few things that piqued my interest and I looked them up. Most of them haven't managed to maintain my interest, but one has. Heather B. Armstrong. She's gorgeous, she's a geek, she's a depressive, and she's been a huge inspiration to me.

I'm slightly obsessive about reading archives so I started at the beginning and I've been reading her life since 2006. In that time she's moved in with her boyfriend, they've eloped, they've moved to Utah, gotten pregnant, had a beautiful baby and I've been reading it all in a month and a bit. Aside from finding her posts hilarious and heartfelt and interesting, it's also been a revelation to me to see that someone can suffer from depression like I do and still have the home and the family and the success. The things I want but am so scared my depression will get in the way of. Sure, Dooce has her episodes, and she willingly went to an institution for a few days because Leta's birth brought on post partum depression, but she's coping. She has a wonderful family that help her to cope, and she lets the world outside follow her progress. Dooce lets the internet support her, and with her blog, she supports us.

I fell in love with her when I read a comment she wrote about depression during an episode: "Depression isn't about understanding things intellectually. It's about an overshadowing emotional spiral that makes coping with anything nearly impossible." The most accurate description I've read in a while. That and Freud's definition of depression - "Frozen anger". Both say a lot about what goes on inside my head during episodes, and edginess, and meh attacks.

I'm up to June 2006 in Dooce's blog. Leta is a little over two and a half years old and she is the most beautiful little girl I have ever seen. Every time Dooce posts a picture, or tells a story about something cute the girl has done, I can feel my ovaries tugging at me. I'm broody, damnit!

I can't have kids for years, at least. Not even sure if I'm physically capable of having kids, because of my size and all that. Not to mention the fact that the guy I'm madly in love with doesn't want kids. Not that I should consider N an obstacle. He and I have been on/off for nearly a year and a half, and as much as I might want to spend the rest of my life curled up with him, it probably won't happen.

We had an incredible weekend together. We ignored Valentine's Day, had a lot of hot violent sex, and generally enjoyed being together. Things were good. And last week was good. He was in one of his good moods - he suffers from depression too. When he has episodes he pulls away and goes all distant. But last week he was fine. Sent me lovely text messages that made me go all gooey, told me he loved me frequently. It was good, and the weekend was fabulous.

So far this week (it's only Tuesday night) he's been a little distant, but he usually is after seeing me. It took me a while to get used to, to understand that it wasn't him having had his fill and not being interested anymore. It's just him. I love him, so I put up with foibles.

My thoughts and ponderings don't really seem to be taking any kind of direction. It's nearly half twelve in the morning. I have a 10 o'clock lecture, I should really go to sleep. But I'm watching an episode of Sarah Connor, and I have a strong urge to type. I think I've exhausted that urge now.

Goodnight.

New Thing # 7

Week 7: 9th February 2009 – 15th February 2009

Date:- February 15th 2009
New Thing:- getting rid of 101 material possessions

I thought this would be easy. I was wrong. It turns out that I am very materialistic. I could easily have reached 101 with the pens and socks, but felt that would be cheating so only counted them as a few things. Some stuff was binned, a lot of it is going to the charity shop.

1 - Joe Pasquale DVD
2 - Keeping the Faith DVD
3-6 - Pens (for Brownies)
7 - Sponge ball
8 - Silver handbag
9 - Ankle boots
10 - Bodice top
11 - Black lace top
12 - Purple slacks
13 - Burgundy jeans
14 - Black lace and velvet skirt
15 - Silver dress
16 - Earrings
17-18 - Hair clips
19-20 - Bracelets
21-22 - Rings
23 - Old hairbands
24 - Magnetic toy
25-26 - Celebration banners
27-28 - Celebration garland
29-31 - Phone cables
32 - Headphones
33 - Lanyard
34 - Laser keyring
35-36 - Press on lights
37 - Soft toy
38 - Nightie
39 - Bra
40 - Sand bracelet kit
41-43 - Old socks
44 - Gloves
45 - Frame
46-47 - Cross stitch kits
48 - Purse
49-50 - Jewelery wire (to GKL)
51-52 - Bead boxes (to C)
53 - Mini christmas crackers
54 - Freeview remote
55 - 'Little Book of Geeks'
56 - 'Little Book of New Words'
57 - 'Lazy Sod's Guide to Sex'
58 - 'The Snow Globe Book'
59 - 'Bad Cat'
60 - '25 Ultimate USA Experiences'
61 - 'Don'ts for Husbands'
62 - 'Don'ts for Wives'
63 - 'The Little eBay Book'
64 - 'The Little Book of Dating Rules'
65 - 'Grumpy Old Holidays'
66 - Rattle toy
67 - 'King Arthur'
68 - 'Twilight'
69 - 'The Sleeping Doll'
70 - 'The Great Gatsby'
71 - 'The Pioneers'
72 - 'Selected Tales and Sketches'
73 - 'Potty, Fartwell and Knob'
74 - '50 Ways to Kill a Slug'
75 - '101 Ways for a Cat to Train its Master'
76 - 'Huck Finn'
77 - 'Legend of Sleepy Hollow'
78 - 'Shite's Unoriginal Miscellany'
79 - 'Old Shite's Almanac'
80 - 'Bartleby'
81 - 'My Godawful Life'
82 - Small christmas tree
83 - Tinsel
84-86 - Christmas toys
87 - Christmas tree star
88 - Old shirt
89-91 - Old towels
92 - Old shorts
93-94 - Scarves
95 - Ball of yarn
96 - Chalenj game
97 - Trainers
98 - Leg brace
99 - Drawstring bag
100 - Puzzle
101 - Tennis ball

Mysterious readers

Today I was scrolling through my blog, checking for new comments, and when I spotted "1 comment" next to my last entry I clicked on it without thinking twice. I assumed it was GKL or CB, as they're the only people that ever comment. But no. It was someone called Anonymous.

i read it too, but not for the awesomeness, just because i'm nosy (although i'm also intrigued by the relationship between you and N) :P

Hmmm, weird. Not the silent follower I gave a shout out to, as Anonymous says "I read it too." I checked that it wasn't GKL playing a trick. No. My next thought was N. I texted him. Apparently he didn't even know I had a blog (good news about him by the way, but I'll tell you that later). So, who could it be? If you're reading, Anonymous, tell me who you are!!

It also makes me wonder about who else might be reading. I only have 2 Followers, but I'm assuming you need to be a member of Blogger to Follow me officially. I was completely astonished when GKL told me about the silent follower (hereafter known as SF). Who else reads these entries? Who else finds my randoms rants entertaining? Who else is so bored they have nothing better to do? Comment, readers, and make thyselves known!

And so to N... we've been seeing each other for a few weekends so far this year. And there has been exchanges of "I love you"s, and a little mush, but no commitment. My Facebook status changed to "It's complicated" two weeks ago, and this week it has changed to "In a relationship". N decided that since being officially my boyfriend wouldn't actually involve any changes in what we are now (aside from me no longer nagging him), he asked me if I wanted to go out with him again. Naturally, I said "yes". Right after I giggled like a school girl and blushed bright red.

And now an update...

Aside from the New Things, I don’t really know what to write about. N and I are still maintaining a tentative… thing. I wouldn’t call it a relationship, but we see each other reasonably regularly, hang out, have sex, generally enjoy each other’s company. We just haven’t defined it yet. I’ve been pretty busy with lectures and tonnes of reading for my history and politics modules, knitting, sleeping too much (stupid antidepressant side effects) and hanging out with GKL and L. I had both of them asleep in my room Friday night. I love them dearly, but three heavy snorers in one room does not make for a good night’s sleep. Still, L took GKL and I to Taybarns for dinner Saturday night. I love Taybarns. All you can eat, various styles of food. Oh, and PROFITEROLES!!! I adore profiteroles. And their chocolate fudge sauce is delicious. As in, eat an entire bowl of the stuff delicious.

What else? I’ve been re-elected as Secretary for Stitch and Bitch, which means that with C as Treasurer, GKL and I have control of our baby again. Her bastard ex is now no longer on the committee fucking everything up. I’ve been watching lots of Farscape. I discovered a few weeks ago that N has all four seasons (and the Peacekeeper Wars) on his computer. I’ve been looking for it for years! He’s been giving me bits of it on DVD, I’ve just started season 3, but now I’ve run out. I can watch the rest after he brings it down this weekend. GKL’s lovelife is as amusing as ever, but I’ll let her tell you about that (if she ever gets time). Now she has a nice shiny £400 touchscreen phone with an 8gb memory card (8gb!!!!), she should be able to update her blog more often.

Oh, quick shoutout to my silent follower who apparently reads this blog for the ‘awesomeness’. I don’t know if that’s sarcasm or not, or even why he reads it, since I don’t think we like each other that much, but there you go. The more people who read, the better. I think.

I don’t really think there’s much else to say

New Things # 6

Week 6: 2nd February 2009 – 8th February 2009

Date:- February 5th 2009
New Thing:- learn to crochet

Since GKL and I set up Keele Stitch and Bitch last year, I’ve been subjected to stitch crafts beyond the embroidery I’ve always done. In October I gave in and let GKL teach me how to knit. This resulted in a very time consuming and expensive addiction, I mean, hobby. This week I gave in and let C teach me how to crochet. I have yet to discover if it will become another addiction/hobby.

I used Cayden’s pretty purple size 4.0mm crochet hook and a small ball of red yarn from the KSB stash…



And, eventually, managed to create a simple chain. I’d previously looked this up on YouTube and had a vague idea of what I was doing so I didn’t find this part too difficult. I could chain all day. If there was nothing more to crochet then I’d be fine. Admire my chain:-



But there is another part. You crochet into the first chain. I didn’t manage this well on the day. All I got was a big knot. But, trying again a few days later I did a bit better…



Now all I need to do is practice, and find out what’s next.

New Thing # 5

Week 5: 26th January 2009 – 1st February 2009

Date:- February 1st 2009
New Thing:- watch a Superbowl

It’s intrinsically American and what with me

a) Being an American Studies student
b) Going to study out there for 16 weeks
c) Wanting to live out there

I decided I should watch it. It was aired at 11pm on BBC 1 and because it was so late and would run ‘til the wee hours (and with me not really understanding the sport) I invited GKL and we sat watching it and knitting.

Arizona Cardinals and Pittsburg Steelers played the 43rd Superbowl. It was vaguely interesting. It got exciting in parts, and there were plenty of very gross collisions. I suppose I would probably have enjoyed it more if I understood the rules of the game.

It was late, and we were tired so we decided we’d watch the legendary half time show and then give up. It took ages to reach half time. 30 seconds left in the second quarter took about 30 minutes because of time outs and deliberations and whatever else they were up to.

And then the half time show wasn’t even very good. Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band came on and sang a few songs. Perhaps if I was a Bruce fan it would have entertained me, but I’m not, and it didn’t. So we gave up. I guess not all of my New Things can be fun.

I did check the results the next day though. In Tampa Bay, Florida, on February 1st 2009 the Pittsburg Steelers took their 6th Superbowl title by beating the Arizona Cardinals 27-23.

New Thing # 4

Week 4: 19th January 2009 - 25th January 2009

Date:- January 22nd 2009
New Thing:- carve initials into a tree

This week GKL joined me in doing something I’ve always wanted to do but that I’ve always been forbidden to do. I took this tree..



…and this penknife…



…and carved these initials into it:-



I even managed to do it without leaving a trail of blood and finger parts behind me. Note to anyone who wants to try it – the blade of the penknife didn’t work so well. I ended up using the screwdriver, which I think I bent in the process, but it looks good. The initials that is, not the screwdriver.