Where I'm Staying

Here's a couple of pictures and a quick video tour of my room...

Written at 2.15 pm yesterday in my notebook...

I'm sat on the grass at Fort William Park in Cape Elizabeth, Maine. In front of me is Maine's most photographed lighthouse.



Behind me is a huge flagpole with the flag at half mast for Teddy Kennedy.



To my left Holly, Johnny and Geni are enjoying our picnic lunch of warm quiche (they serve quiche hot over here!) and pasta with pesto, and the most delicious chocolate brownies in the world. To my right are three little boys. Two of them are kicking each other and the third is clapping excitedly and chanting "fight fight fight". Alla round me are families playing frisbee and flying kites. The sea is huge and looming in front of me, looking beautiful. The sun is not so hot as to make me uncomfortable, and is warming my skin, adding to the not-quite-burnt-yet red glow on my skin I've collected this week. I can hear wind and laughter and kids playing and the internationals chatting away, and gulls and ships. I can smell the grass I'm sitting on, and the salt in the air, and the warm chocolate brownies that somehow keep finding their way to my mouth. It's nice here. The breeze counteracts any negative effects from the heat and sun. I'm sat here - NOT joining in the game of frisbee that Holly, Geni and Jaap just started - and I'm happy. Peaceful. It's a good feeling.

Wounded!

Today has been weird. This morning I had an edgy attack. I woke up late and missed the first two sessions of orientation (although they were just tours) so I headed to the student center to meet the group for lunch. I was sat in the room reading when the others arrived and they got their lunch. Then, the people I'd been considering friends went and sat at a table far away from me. I nearly cried, then I sat there and sulked for a bit, before I came to my senses and snapped out of it. I stood up, got some food and went and joined their table instead. Simple.

I was a bit edgy for the next hour or so, but the afternoon in Old Port was fun. I walked off alone to do some shopping and enjoy the sun and had a good day. I brought some postcards for me, and to send home, and I brought a couple of christmas presents for people too. I went to Dunkin' Donuts and had a very large grape drink and some donut holes, and I sat by the wharf for a while. It was really nice being back by the sea, I've missed that seaside smell living in Stoke. Just before the coach left to return I picked up a sub for dinner, but when we got back to Gorham I ended up joining Holly, Geni, Johnny, Yab and Warren in the cafeteria and filling a small carrier bag with Cap'n Crunch. The stuff is yummy.

Anyway, instead of going to my room after dinner, I went along with Holly, Geni and Johnny to the gym. I willingly walked up a nice steep hill. I'm quite proud of all the exercise and things I've been doing. I haven't been overeating either. In the gym I sat by the wall and watched the three of them throw a basketball at the hoop in a vain attempt to sink it. I have to admit they did sink a few. After a while I decided to head off for a walk, but as I stood up I thought that maybe I'd have a go first. I sank the ball on my first shot, so kept playing. Just throwing and catching, letting the others do all the running.

I was having fun, enjoying myself, and feeling quite pleased with myself. Then the ball went just past me and I reached out to catch it. I just missed it so I followed it, jogging a little. Then everything went slow-motion. I knew what was going to happen, but I couldn't stop myself. I could feel my body leaning too far forward and couldn't stop it. While my arms were still reaching for the ball, I smacked into the ground. Boobs first, then my face. Legs bounced in the air, knees smacking against the floor. It was not fun.

The others asked if I was okay, and I sat up and said I'd stay on the ground for a bit. I felt ridiculous. I waited a minute, with my hand to my face, then made an exit. I've cut the middle of my top lip a few times with my teeth, my two front teeth hurt, my chest hurts, my knees hurt. My pride is a little wounded too, not that I had much to begin with.

The most significant impact was the miniature episode I had. I got back to my room and promptly burst into tears. Even when I was a skinny assed teenager, I was never very athletic (aside from riding my bike everywhere). Since I've put on the weight I've avoided exercise and since I did my ankle in I avoided it even more. Today, I made a decision to go out instead of hiding in my room (which in itself is a big acheivement for me when I'm edgy), I willingly exhausted myself walking up a short hill, and I joined in an active game. I joined in with other people, despite my fears and my edginess. I did some exercise. I was active and moving.

I was proud and enjoying myself, and pretty chuffed. Then I fall over and smack my face open. All I could think was that it was punishment for daring to join in. That I should have known better. I'm good at watching, I should stick to it and stop trying to expand my boundaries. I know, logically, that those thoughts were stupid, but I couldn't help feeling it. It's what my depression does to me.

I spoke to Neil for a bit, and I felt better after a little sobbing. But I still feel a little stupid. In situations like this I would quite happily hide in my room for a few days, or weeks, but I can't. Tomorrow we have a meeting about our visas which I can't miss. I don't want to stay in my room and hide, even though I kinda do at the same time.

I feel kinda weird. My lip still hurts, and my chest still aches, but it's not that. I feel silly, and I want to hide, but I don't want to at the same time. I don't want to let my depression and my fears ruin my experience here. I'll leave my room tomorrow and face the others, and I'll laugh it off and be self-deprecating like I usually am.

Note to self though - eating a sub with a split lip is not fun.

Orientation Adventures

Today has been uber busy, and yet again my ankle is killing me, but it's all been worth it. Orientation day 1 is over, and I have lots of paperwork to sort out. Yay!

Everything started this morning when we climbed onto a school bus. We were all hoping it would be yellow, but it was unfortunately white :( There was some discussion about spray painting it, but we never got around to it. There were issues with the body count, but we left eventually and got to see our first glimpse of the Portland campus. The Portland bit is a city campus, and not nearly so pretty as Gorham, but it was still nice.

Pictures are being added regularly (with any luck) to my Facebook account. For those of you who have already added me, go here, if you're not my Facebook friend, just add me. I'll be putting pictures on here if they're appropriate, but won't bombard the blog with millions of pictures.

After being given the book with a zillion pieces of paper to sort out, and listening to people talk at us, we were given lunch, then there were more talks and things. After that though I skipped out, since I'd already set up my email account and been to the bookstore. Instead I went to the nearest Credit Union and opened a checking account (I have an American checking account!) and then I went to the local supermarket. That's this place...




There are loads of them all over the place. And this particular one was HUGE! Full of lots of goodies to explore and get fat on. Like FLUFF!!



This is the most delicious stuff ever and in England it's like gold dust. As far as I'm aware it's only sold in Selfridge's, for more than a fiver for a jar half that size. That HUGE tub I brought today was just $1.70. And they have Lindor Lindts too, $6 for two packs. Including peanut butter ones. I'll be going back for them tomorrow. Spent a fortune on books and opening checking accounts today.

Note to self, also need to purchase sunblock. I caught the sun a bit today, I'm a nice glowy red colour.

Also, the list of countries that the internationals are from has increased... Uzbekistan, Iraq, Libya, Peru and China.

Right, off to bed. More orientation tomorrow!

This is for Jen

I saw this advert in JFK airport and it made me think of Jen. We both have depression and we both get very fed up of people treating us like it's something we chose to have.

I'M IN MAINE!!!!

Hello blogverse! I'm in Maine! I'm in Maine! Can you tell I'm excited? All the fear has gone now. Still a little nervous, but not scared any more. Anyway, here are some bits I wrote while travelling...

Travel Tidbit 1 - August 24th 2009 @ 8am

I was dropped off at the airport an hour ago, and so far I've checked in and been through security. Nice and quick, only long queue was security. Note to self: spray deoderants DO count as a liquid. Now I'm sat in Starbucks (where was no Caffe Nero) with a very delicious mango passionfruit drink, a steak and cheese panini and a fruit sald. All I have to do now is wait. My gate doesn't open until half eight. It hasn't even been assigned a number yet. Starbucks is up outside gate 20, so I'm hoping I get a high number, but knowing my luck it'll be gate 1.

Travel Tidbit 2 - 9.30am

I'm sat by my gate, which was conveniently right opposite Starbucks. I'm waiting for it to start boarding now. I'm sat by the window listening to an old lady next to me snoring and watching the baggage guys outside unload a KLM flight. Starting to fall asleep, but trying to resist. Just need to hold off for another hour, then I can (hopefully) sleep away an eight hour flight.

Travel Tidbit 3 - 5.55am

See that?! I'm now writing after I did before, but it's earlier! Time Travel! No matter what Neil says. Anyway, I'm on the plane, in the air. I've filled in the two forms they handed out, I'm all settled to fall asleep. Except that they have these little individual entertainment screens that have loads of films and games. Games! They have bejwelled and bookworm and zuma. Plus, I have a puzzle book, and my DS which has a gazillion games and books on it. Shouldn't get bored. Oooo, lunch! Hang on, at 6am?

Travel Tidbit 4 - 10.22am

Freaked out? Me? No way. I can handle a little turbulence. Just cos it's about fifty times worse than last time I flew. I'm not a wuss. I know it's perfectly safe up here. The invisible giant wading through the Atlantic has us firmly grasped in his invisible giant hand. He won't drop us. Wait, did the pilot just say 'hurricane'? He did! Great. Are hurricans stronger than giants?!

Travel Tidbit 5 - 12.45pm

These little screens are great...

Grrr stupid phone. I had a picture of the screen, but my phone has a tendency to corrupt pictures when it copies to my laptop. So no picture, but it's a touchscreen the size of an A5 notebook, and the photo I'd taken was of the moving map. There's an option on the screen that lets you see exactly where the plane is on a map. Very cool. That same option also tells you what altitude you're at (32909 ft when I took the picture), the ground speed (501 mph), the outside temperature (-38 celsius), headwind (60 mph), time 'til destination (4.05), local time at origin (2.11pm), local time at destination (9.11am), estimated time of arrival (1.16 pm) and distance travelled (1604 miles). Very very cool. Ooo, more food.

Travel Tidbit 6 - 3pm

I'm in New York, at JFK. I got off the plane, went through Customs, picked up my suitcase from baggage claim, went to the connecting flights area, tipped my backpack all over the floor looking for my second boarding pass, checked in my suitcase again, went through security again and walked about four gajillion miles to the end of the terminal. There I got a drink. And let me tell you, when Americans say large, they mean large. I got a smoothie, and when the woman asked if I wanted regular or large, I said what I normally say and got a large. Two minutes later, she handed me a cup the size of a family bottle of coke. It was hugemongous! Has taken an hour to drink. Very nice though. The Delta flight was good. Long, since I couldn't sleep. (I just brought myself one of those curved neck cushions). But I watched a few movies, got fed twice (plus some delicious peanuts) and watched the woman in front of me play 8 straight hours of bejewelled.

Travel Tidbit 7 - 5pm

I'm on the next flight. In a teeny tiny little plane. Quite scary actually, or it will be when we actually take off. We've been taxi-ing and waiting for a run way slot for ages.

Travel Tidbit 8 - 6.45pm

I'm in MAINE! I'm waiting for Holly to arrive, we're gonna share a taxi to campus. This airport is tiny and dead. I did have a picture but... stupid phone. I'm absolutely exhausted though. I feel like I could sleep a million years. I've been travelling for 18 hours, and I've been awake for 28. On no pro plus!

Travel Tidbit 9 - 8.15pm

We're at the university. I'm in my room, sat at my desk, near my very very high bed. We got here over an hour ago, but it's taken ages to get to the room. We were told an RA would be waiting at the hall to sort us out when we arrived, but there's no one here. Three nice lads let us into the building, and we stood in the lobby for a minute or two. No one. We used the courtesy phone to call every number we could find from office doors and posters. No answer anyway. Boiling hot, absolutely knackered and slightly cheesed off, we gave in and called the campus police. Three minutes later the International Students Programme Officer (I think that's her title. She's called Katie and she's very nice) showed up and opened the office, gave us our temporary room cards, turned back to the office to get the building cards and realised she had locked herself out of the office. So she ran off to get some help. Then Caroline showed up (she runs the Centre for Involvement and Activities) and let Katie into the office who got the other cards and FINALLY showed us to our rooms.

So here I am. It's now Tuesday night, and I'm sat at my desk again. I'm completely exhausted! Not to mention hot. It's been sweltering and stuffy all day. I was wondering around doing errands (getting my ID card - lovely picture - and setting up my email/internet) and I was almost literally melting. It's very hilly round here as well as being hot. I had pure liquid running down my face most of the day, I need to start carrying around a handkerchief or something. Lots of exercise. And I haven't been eating that much either. Eating junk, but not as much of it as I usually it. Maybe I'll actually leave here fitter, who knows?

Last night was fun. The hall put on Dominos pizza for us, and there were a few international students chatting away upstairs in the common room. Yummy pizza. LOvely people. Jaap (pronounced Yab) from the Netherlands, Geni from Winchester in England, Holly and Johnny from Keele, Jana from Canada and my roommate Sun from Korea. Plus Katie and Caroline. I eventually got to bed at about half eleven, and slept solidly until half twelve this afternoon. Errands today and then a spaghetti dinner upstairs. With even more international students. I think the whole lot is here now. As well as the guys from last night there's my other roommate Ai from Japan, Sisily (I think I've got that wrong) from France, Warren from Jamaica, a guy from Japan who's name I can't remember or pronounce, a guy from Korea I can't remember or pronounce, Shane from Canada, Francie from Germany, Martha from Germany and... Actually I think that's it. I'm sure I've missed someone, but I'll let you know.

The campus is gorgeous. A lot like Keele, but prettier. It's very green and hilly. And everyone is nice so far. I haven't been shy at all. One of my biggest fears is that I'd be too scared to speak to anyone, but I've been chatting away with strangers with no worries. It's like I left Colette behind in England and Cleo took over.

My room is good. Bigger than I was expecting. I'm going to have Heather as a roommate when she gets here Sunday. I was asleep when Ai arrived this morning so she took the spare bed in Sun's room. The bed is really high up though, but I'm in the process of getting a custodian to sort that out. The window only opens a few inches, and has netting the other side, so I'll be getting a fan this week. Big trip to Walmart, I can't wait.

I think that's all up to date now. I'm sure I've missed something. So much has been going on, and so much will be happening. It's all go! But I'm enjoying myself. I'm tired as hell, and hot beyond my comfort levels, and my ankle swelled up to the size of a melon yesterday and doesn't appear to be settling. I think it's gonna stay that way. But I'm happy. I'm happy and excited and eager to do more new things.

PS> Here are some shots I took on my camera from the second plane, mostly clouds.

It's the Final Countdown

(Anyone who doesn't have that song playing in their head now should stop reading, for you are not worthy to read my blog :p)

Anyway, it's half past three in the morning, on Monday 24th August 2009. In two hours Michael will leave his house to come and pick me up and take me to Heathrow. In six and a half hours (hopefully) my flight will leave for America.

Everything is done. Passport and visa scanned, back up email sent out, luggage packed, weighed and repacked. I'm sat at mum's desk with my handbag on one side of me and my backpack on the other. All I have to do is put on shoes and put my laptop back in my bag. It's a little scary.

All day I've been fidgeting and wandering around. Not able to sit still or concentrate on anything. I've been flitting between nervous, terrified and excited. Most of the time I was all three at once, which is a wierd feeling. Now the nerves and the fear are kinda wavering. Excitement is pretty much taking over. This week has been ridiculously long. Once everything was sorted and I had no chores left to do, all I had to do was wait. I'm not so good at waiting. I've been antsy for days. I just wanna get going already!

Of course, once I get to the airport the nerves will kick in again. There's so much that could go wrong. I know that none of them are particularly likely, I've planned well (aside from running out of English money, but more about that later) and thought of pretty much everything. But I can't stop worrying. It's in my nature. I'm a worrier. I won't be satisfied until I get to my dorm room in Maine. And then I'll find new things to worry about.

Not sure when I'll be able to blog again. In theory I get to my room, plug in the cable, plug the other end into the laptop and voila... interwebs! But I rarely find simple things that simple, so we'll see. I'll be facebooking regularly from my phone at the airport though.

As for while I'm away, expect lots of posting and bajillions of photos on facebook. I will definitely still have an interweb presence. You can't get rid of me that easily. (Insert evil laugh here.)

In other news, and this is where my English money went, I met Dave Gorman. DAVE GORMAN!!! Anyone who doesn't know who that is should just bog off. He's a genius. The man behind Googlewhack Adventure, and Are You Dave Gorman, and Genius, and America Unchained. Google him! Youtube him! He's fantastic.

He's doing a cycling tour of England, and he's going to Stoke-on-Trent, which I was ridiculously excited about until I realised that I would be on another continent at the time. But I looked at other dates and found one quite close to my mum's town, conveniently while I would be at her house. So Thursday night me and Squish went to Andover (via a slightly convoluted route, and don't get me started on the transport problems) and saw Dave Gorman do a warm up show for his tour.

Very funny man. Hilarious. I want a Sacred Tiny Football! That will make no sense to anyone except those in The Lights theatre in Andovicus on Thursday night, but I think it's funny. After the show, Jennie (aka Squish) and I lined up to get his autograph. I was gonna get him to sign my ticket but they were selling his books and the only one I don't have was America Unchained and I was going to America in a few days and it was only 8 quid and I had 8 quid in my wallet (minus 20p that Jennie loaned me). It was all a sign! I had to buy the book!

In my Gorman-giddyness I forgot about being in the airport for at least three hours on Monday morning and needing money for breakfast. I forgot about everything but that book. So I brought it.

Squish and I are stood in the queue to see Mr Gorman and I'm flipping through the book, as one does when one has purchased a new book. I was actually looking at the pictures section in the middle, but Squish poked me and said "oi, don't skip to the end." Dave Gorman overheard, and told me off. Not only did I see Dave Gorman, and meet Dave Gorman, and get Dave Gorman's autograph and get my photograph taken with Dave Gorman, but he told me off. I got told off by Dave Gorman!



That large tall person looking giddy, that's me. That man sitting next to me? THAT'S DAVE GORMAN!!

My Daddy's on Google Maps

This is a screenshot from Google Maps (I cropped out all the junk) and that man there is my daddy closing the gates at the school where he works.

New Thing # 25

Date:- August 21st 2009
New Thing:- make bread from scratch

My dad was always baking when I was younger, and Jen has recently become addicted to it. I've made cakes before, but I've never made bread. So I dug out one of my mother's recipe books, recruited by glamorous assistant Michaela...



...and laid out my ingredients for my customary 'before' picture.



I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I didn't quite anticipate the waiting. Once we'd sifted all the flour...




...and mixed it all up...



...we pounded it to death.



(Not sure if this'll work, but here's a video of Michaela taking some frustrations out on the bread.)



And after we'd done all that, we had to put it in the airing cupboard and let it settle. Then we got to pound it a bit more, and then put it in tins. We couldn't find any bread tins so we made square bread...



Cue another trip to the airing cupboard and another wait for it to rise. Mine rose okay, but Michaela's was a little wonky...



Into the oven, more waiting, and out of the oven.

Here's the dangerous part. I picked the tin up with the tea towel except that when I turned it over to tip the bread out, the tea towel slipped and I didn't realise. Cue me dropping the tin, shrieking and rushing to the cold tap. I spent most of the evening with my pinky finger in the freezer, then in a glass of ice. It was fine while it was cold, but hurt when the cold wore off. Not a big injury. This morning it was fine, no pain and just a little bit of shiny skin.

The bread looked good though...



Tasted good too. I sliced it up while it was still warm enough to melt the butter. Was scrummy yummy delicious. Not sure if I'll do it again though.

What I'm...

(meme copied from this blog.)

Making : in the middle of a Christmas present for mum and last year's anniversary present for Jen
Cooking : don't really cook, did just make myself a salad though
Drinking : apple squash
Reading: "Obsidian Butterfly" from the Anita Blake series
Wanting: this week to go quicker
Looking: at my HUGE list of blogs
Playing: Grease 2 soundtrack
Wasting: electricity using the fan, but it's far far too hot to not use it
Sewing: the anniversary present for Jen
Wishing: that I had my teleportation skills perfected so I could pop back and see Jen and Neil whenever I wanted
Enjoying: the cool breeze coming from the fan
Waiting: to see Dave Gorman in Andover tomorrow night
Liking: my life in general right now
Wondering: whether it's too early to go to bed
Loving: Neil!
Hoping: things go ok with my travelling on Monday
Marvelling: at my own technological ineptitude
Needing: to take my bowl out to the kitchen
Smelling: warm and stale living room smell
Wearing: my pyjamas
Following: lots of fun people on blogs and twitter
Noticing: that this sofa doesn't have a very comfortable arm
Knowing: that I'll cope better in America than I think I will
Thinking: that it's never too early to go to bed
Feeling: like I want to teleport to Preston for a cuddle
Bookmarking: some new blogs to catch up on
Opening: a packet of tictacs
Giggling: at the funny scripting of Eureka

Feeling: apprehensive

Things My Friends Say....

"I have to confess, I've never liked confession." - Jen, whilst talking about Catholicism

Neil and I were talking about being stuck not quite in Heaven or Hell, and he said I was in perjury. I have a feeling he meant "pergatory."

Jen and I were discussing how many of the people in our lives were superfluous, and she told me I was "perfluous."

More Reasons I Hate Living in a Shared House...

1) Finding used, rolled up sanitary towels on the bathroom floor

2) Getting the tub of ice cream you were looking forward to (and hadn't opened) out of the freezer, to find that someone had opened it and taken a portion

3) Getting told off by the guy in the room next to you for making too much noise while having sex with your boyfriend, the same guy in the next room who listens to really crappy music, really loudly at really stupid times

New Thing # 24

Date:- August 16th 2009
New Thing:- write a letter to my younger self.

New Thing # 9 was to write a letter to my future self, and today I wrote a letter to my past self. To begin with I had to consider a time travel rule. You know how you're not meant to tell anyone from the past anything that's going to happen in the future? Well, I wasn't sure if that applied when writing a letter to one's younger self. What happens if it gets accidentally transported through time? I could change history! But I digress, and stress too much.

I actually got quite mushy writing it. I wish I'd actually received this letter when I was seventeen.

Dear Colette,

This is quite difficult to do without having a specific time in mind, so here it is. I'm sat on my bed, aged 26 years and 10 months, writing to my 17 year old self.

At seventeen you're alone in the YWCA. Mum kicked you out, you've dropped out of college, your relationship with Dad and Jennie is in the gutter, and your depression is just kicking in. I bet you feel downright shit. I know you do, I was there. I wish I could tell you tht you've seen the worst of it, and that things will only get better now. I really wish I could. It does get better, but not just yet. First things are going to get a lot worse. You have a tough decade ahead of you, but I can promise you'll come through reasonably intact. Just keep believing in yourself. There will be good times, good moments and good days, and good people. Cling on to them, and the memories of them. USe them as a shield against the shit that's coming your way.

It won't be easy, and a lot of the time your going to wonder if you can survive it, or if it's even worth it. You can! And it is! The things you're going to go through aren't nice, and the memory of them still haunts me, but if you don't go through them you won't end up where I am. In a secure and comfortable place surrounded by family and friends and a wonderful boyfriend who love me for who I am (yes, I said 'boyfriend', you WON'T be alone forever) and who'll support me through the rest of the shit that I'm sure is coming my way.

Be strong, Colette. In a few days I'm going to fulfil one of our longest, most passionate dreams, and that wouldn't have happened without everything you have done and seen and experienced, and everything yet to come.

Mushy, isn't it? But kinda hard to write. Makes me wonder, what if I could send a letter back in time to my younger self? And what if those laws of time travel didn't apply? Would I tell myself to avoid certain things, certain places? Would I warn myself about big mistakes? Where would I end up if I did? Gives a person something to think about, as if I didn't have enough randomness marching around in my head as it is.

Busy busy busy

Things haven't really been busy since last time I blogged. More in a state of happy blissful slothage.

It was hectic up until Wednesday. I had my exam on Tuesday and an essay due Thursday. The exam wasn't too bad. I did the revision I wanted, though not as much as I wanted. The first question went very well, I was pleased with my answer. Although I had to leave blanks to fill in later because I'd picked a question on slavery and couldn't remember the word "abolitionist". The second question wasn't so good though. I mostly bluffed it. But I only need to get 40%, so it shouldn't be too bad. After the exam I spent the day in the library revising for the exam. I sat upstairs with a million deliciously musty smelling books and reading all about Radical Reconstruction and its motives. All kinds of fun. Took a zillion notes.

Tuesday night I started work on the essay. And got upset because Neil had been signed off work for two weeks and wouldn't come down to see me before I went away. So Jen and I went to Tesco on a desperate hunt for chocolate frosting. Well, I was searching for frosting. She was just after dinner.

Wednesday morning I worked more on the essay. I wasn't having a problem with the writing at all. Apparently if you do a lot of reading and research for an essay, the writing of it comes a lot easier. Who knew? Early Wednesday evening Neil shows up :D Yes, my handsome sweet wonderful Neil is here. He's staying until I live for Basingstoke on Tuesday. After a few hours of getting reacquainted, I finished the essay and curled up to go to sleep.

Thursday I went to Keele to print and hand in the essay, and came home to commence my long weekend of slothery. Jen has been around most evenings, she's having some trouble with her own fella, so we've been hanging out and knitting and watching movies and letting Neil be lovely and wonderful.

The two of them are getting on great, which is kinda what I planned. I asked him to text her, and her to text him, while I'm away. I don't want either of them to slip into hermithood, and they both need looking after. Neither of them can cope without me! Thursday he gave her a massage when her shoulder started aching. I trust them both completely and have no fears of anything happening between them (kind of) but I still sat there watching and wanting to kill them both. Lol. Like I said, I love them both, and there is no one in the world I trust more, but I'm a very possessive and clingy person, not to mention insecure and paranoid.

Things are good though. Now that the resit is out of the way, there are no obstacles between me and Maine. All the last minute little errands have been sorted, so all I have to do is wait. All of a sudden I have nothing to hide behind. It's weird. One minute I'm excited and bouncy and can't wait to get out there. The next I'm terrified and scared and anxious and don't wanna go.

I think my biggest fear is that everything is going so well at the moment. My relationship is pretty much perfect. There's only one way things could be any more perfect with Neil, and that isn't going to happen anytime soon I don't think, but I'll let you know if it does. My failed year is behind me, my visa troubles are over and my money situation is... almost sorted. And in a little under 8 days I get on a flight that will take me to America. I will finally be realising a dream that I've had forever.

And as excited as I am, I'm terrified about that. Something great is happening to me, and in my experience, when I'm happy and settled in life, something terrible happens. I trust Neil, I love him and I know he loves me too. And I KNOW, in the sensible part of my brain, that he will still love me and want me when I get back. But I'm still scared about losing him. I will always be scared about losing him. Even if we're married with three kids and happily living together, I will still be scared about losing him. It's just this deepset, natural, instinctual fear that runs through my veins and there's nothing I can do about it. The logical part of me just isn't strong enough to override it.

And I'm ridiculously lucky to have my Neil, who understands that, and will continue to support and reassure me and comfort me, even though I probably drive him crazy. He's lying next to me right now, napping and being cute. He makes little snuffly noises in his sleep. Yesterday Jen was sat on the bed knitting, and I was sat on the floor packing and N was curled up on the bed, lying horizontally, and he was sleeping and snuffling and making both me and Jen giggle. It was sweet.

He's been wonderful with Jen. He's been buying her food and drinks, and giving her back rubs and being generally supportive and lovely. He's ill, in the midst of one of his episodes and he's been signed off work, but he's still being sweet and lovely to me and my best friend. He's amazing. This man laying next to me right now is one of the most incredible people I've ever met and I don't know what I'd do, or where I'd be, without him.

Hmmm, I didn't mean for this to be a mushy blog post. Just wanted to update everyone on the situation. Ah well. :-)

Secret Identities Revealed!!

I was typing that last post and thinking of an initial for Ebby the dog, and checking my notepad document to see if I already had initials for someone that began with E and I realised how stupid it was.

It's not like the people I write about in my blog won't recognise themselves. It's not like the people in my life won't recognise each other. I don't know why I use initials. It's just silly. So here is a copy and paste of my notepad document. Secret identities revealed!!

blog people codes

GKL = Jen (aka Glamorous Knitting Lady)
N = Neil
IMP = Mike (aka Isaac Mike Peter, long story)
C = Cayden
NW = Nat
MR = Mark (never called back aka one of Jen's old beaux)
LB = Lee Bradshaw
JL = Lewis
S = Lee's girlfriend
L = Luke
SS = Seb
CB = Charlotte
SF = Silent Follower (aka Lawrence)
SC = Suzanne
D = David (Marc One aka my marvellous hairdresser)
J = Jennie (aka Little Squish aka my middling sister)
M = Michaela (aka Sprogget aka my littlest sister)
SN = Sam Noodle (aka a brief internet fling that resulted in a 'blip' with Neil)
KI = Kat and Ian
President T = Tom
MH = Michaela (aka fabulous Stitch n Bitcher)
TA = Tim
G = Goddard
MC = Colley
ML = Michael
DB = Diane (aka my not-counsellor)

Some of those I've only mentioned once, some of them I can't remember where I mentioned them. One of them I'm quite embarrassed to name, since I know he follows me on Twitter and that may lead to him reading the blog and in turn finding out about my not-so-secret lusting for him. A few of them, though, are regular characters in my little corner of the blogosphere. You'll get to know them well, if you haven't already.

Early Morning Grumble

Technically it's last thing at night for me. It's quarter past five in the morning here in merry old England, and I'm just settling down to go to bed. Slipping back into nocturnal living is not a good idea three days before a 9.30 am exam. Stupid body.

Anyway, that isn't quite what I came on to blog about. A while ago I posted about my frustrations living in a shared house. Here are some more. I just went to the bathroom, to do the things a person does before going to bed. The bath was full of cold used bathwater (my room is next to the bathroom and I know no one has been in there since at least 11 last night), there are a pair of panties on the floor in the middle of the room, and... the toothpaste. Urgh, the toothpaste.

You know that spray that covers the sink and surrounding tiles when someone vigorous is brushing their teeth and spitting out residue? It is generally considered decent to rinse this spray off once you've finished. I do. I don't scrub the sink with bleach everytime I brush my teeth, but I do rinse the sink out and clear off any spray I can spot. Apparently, someone else in this house can't. Every so often I'll go into the bathroom and the green sink will be a spotty white sink. Like tonight/this morning. Everywhere! It's not pleasant.

The phantom kitchen-cupboard door opener has been at it again. As has someone who put their washing up in the sink, filled the bowl and left it. For two days. When I went to wash my dishes the other day I had to take the stuff out of the bowl and it'd been there so long it was all starting to smell. Something else that wasn't pleasant.

On top of that, things are a little wierd with myself and NW. Last weekend he went off to a wedding and asked if I could look after his dog. Feed, water, let her out into the yard to her business, etc. I've done it before. I love said dog to bits and will quite happily look after her forever. I looked after her for a few weeks when NW went to America over Easter, and I looked after her the weekend before last when he was at the stag party. I looked after her fine last weekend.

Sunday morning I went off to meet GKL and friends to go shopping in town. Came home in the afternoon to a VERY irate NW. The dog had a plaster on her face, and I asked what she'd done to her face. "That's what I wanted to know," NW said. At the time it felt like he snarled, but with hindsight I'm not entirely sure. He was definitely not happy. Ebby had cut her face somehow, scraping off some fur in the process. It wasn't a huge wound, but any wound is bad enough on a dog who's your entire life. Also, while I was out she'd managed to leave little brown parcels all over the landing, and a nice little puddle on the bathroom carpet. Neither the wound or the presents were there when I left to go shopping. I'm not completely irresponsible. But still NW was not happy. He told me, as he took her off to the vet to get checked out, that I'd let her down. By her, he meant the dog. I'd let Ebby down. I felt horrible.

I spent the next hour crying and feeling horrible. The vet gave Ebby a clean bill of health, but I still felt responsible and guilty and horrendous. My worry, guilt and panic complexes have enough ammunition as it is. And I saw a side of NW I'd never seen before. He's always been jolly and friendly and happy. Except for his occasional slump, but then he only hides in his room. I've never seen him so angry.

I've avoided him since. Stayed in my room or at the library as much as possible. May be part of the reason for the nocturnal thing as well. I've seen him once, when he popped up to tell me the money for the bills were due. It was awkward. I couldn't really look at him.

Housesharing is a pain in the sodding ass.

Oh, and just to make my life even more wonderful. This weekend is the second of three weekends I had left with N after our week together and before I leave for four months. Last weekend he had an episode and couldn't come down. I've been looking forward to this weekend all week, we both have. I was so excited. I went to bed last night (well, early this morning) excited that I'd wake up and see him within a few hours. Then I wake up this afternoon to a text telling me he can't come down. I was worried at first. I thought something horrible had happened. Turns out he "wasn't in the mood." What that means is that his depression kicked in. His doctor has him on two tablets instead of the four he was on when he got better. He needs to be on at least three damnit! Now our second weekend has been taken away and he, cos of the episode, doesn't care. If he doesn't come down next weekend I don't know what I'll do.

I'm not a religious person, but since this afternoon I've been praying (in between crying jags, binge eating, staring at my blades and telling myself I don't want to cut, and stabbing the crap out of balls of yarn) that I don't have to go away without seeing him again. Four months is a bloody long time. 4000 miles is a bloody long way. I don't want to not see him before I go. I really really don't.

Circus # 5

Back in April, after attending my fourth circus of the year I decided to proclaim 2009 the Year of the Circuses. This evening, GKL and I attended my fifth circus of the year.

A few days ago in Abakhan I picked up this little leaflet...



Which lead me to this website, which ended with me purchasing two cheap opening night tickets. Tonight was opening night.

I was a little wary, but excited. I've seen a lot of circus acts recently, at the circuses I've been to and on tv and things. Circuses are in at the moment apparently. I'm also quite a cynical person by nature, so I'm wary. As we pulled into Trentham Gardens I got disappointed that there was no big top. A circus is not a proper circus without a big top. Then GKL took a left and said, "what? Like that one?"



(note: picture taken on the way out, it was not that dark when we got there)

At first all I could do was complain. The seats were built up so that none of the numbers were in any kind of order, they had the apostrophe missing from the big sign over the curtains the entertainers came from, the seats were bloody uncomfortable. And when the show started I wasn't overly impressed either. That starter bit where they get everyone in the ring was too cluttered and too hectic and badly organised. And the trapeze artist they started off with was kinda mediocre. I've seen better.

Then they had a little girl 8th generation horse trainer, who did some choreography with a beautiful palomino and a little shetland. GKL quite rightly pointed out that if it hadn't been the little girl controlling them, it would have been lame, but I was kinda focused on the beautiful horses. More about them later.

The in-between clowns weren't all that great either. They were ok for a minute or two, but dragged on far too long.

However, the show wasn't a complete bust. I saw my first ever highwire artists. These two brothers. The Marinhos. They ruled. No harnesses or anything. One of them did a little jig along the wire, the other rode a bike. One somersaulted over his brother's head, on a hire wire, with no harness, in mid air. It was great! They did a balancing on shoulders act which they preceeded with a "fall". If they hadn't been playing "The Show Must Go On" I might have believed it. It was very well acted. Talk about wedgie though. Ouch.

Anyway, they impressed me. A lot. I was also incredibly impressed by the horses. 8th generation trainer's dad came on in the second half with 4 palomino horses. Beautiful horses. Here's some pictures from the website...




These horses were magnificent. Four of them, with stupid names - Omega, Cartier, Rolex and Bronze - but absolutely beautiful. They reignited a passion in me, which I'll mention in my next post. They were gorgeous. I don't think I'm quite getting across how wonderful these horses were, lol.

On the way to the circus I'd mentioned to GKL that I'd always wanted to go to one of those old-fashioned circus that used animals. And that maybe I'd have to go to somewhere in Eastern Europe to see lions and tigers and elephants and stuff being mistreated. This circus had animals. Not just the horses, but the ringmaster did an act with budgies. Much funnier than it sounds. He had them going up little slides and jumping onto display cases and things. I was impressed at how well trained they were, but when they "misbehaved" it got even funnier. He got all of the little birdies to slide down this mini slide one by one, and the last one didn't want to get back on his perch afterwards, he kept running back around and doing it again. I thought it was quite funny. GKL was more enamoured with the teeny little boy standing on a ringside seat who was applauding ecstatically every time the little bird ran away. It was very cute.

Overall, despite some boring parts with the well-meaning clowns, I was quite impressed with Zippo's Circus. For 6 quid it was definitely worth the money, and lots more. Even the £2 candyfloss was worth it... scrummy.



It was a good night out, and I enjoyed it. I think GKL did too.



I may go again next time they're back. Those horses can't be guarded 24/7.

PS> For any animal rights activists out there, the horses are treated superbly. There is a page about it on their website. Apparently they've won awards.

Odds and Ends

Just a coupla updates on things...

Weightwatchers - I missed a few weeks because of timing and things, but I went last week. I'd lost a pound, which brings my grand total weight loss so far to three whole pounds. And now I'm not going back until the new year. The leader suggested I go to weightwatchers in America. I'm not sure. I kinda wanna indulge in the food, but I might go to one or two to see the differences. I am taking my calcumalator though, and I'm planning to at least keep it sensible.

N - N had a funk this week, and I didn't see him this weekend. There are only two weekends left to see him now before I go to Basingstoke before going away, but he's better now so hopefully I'll get him for both. He's promised he'll definitely come down the last weekend, no matter how bad he feels. Which is good. I'm really going to miss him.

Blogs - blogs are evil! Everytime I read a blog they mention another blog, who mentions another blog, who mentions another blog. So I click on the other blogs, and I read the archives and get addicted and add it to my daily checking list. My daily checking list now has 60 blogs, comics and forums that I check. Takes anything from 15 minutes to an hour and a half. SIXTY. It's an addiction I tells ya. SIXTY!! And that doesn't even include Facebook, Ravelry or Twitter. Those three can take another hour each.

New Thing # 23

Date:- August 1st 2009
New Thing:- have green eggs and ham.

I know this is the third in a few days, but we're at the start of the eighth month of the year, and I'm not over half way yet. Even though I'm gonna be doing a lot of new things in Maine, I'm trying to catch up a little.

So I made green eggs and ham. Obviously.

I like Dr Suess, he's very wise. I have or two quotes of his on my wall. "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." "Today you are you, that is truer than true, there will never be anyone youer than you." The man is a genius.

I've heard about parents making green eggs and ham with their kids, to encourage them to read, you know? I decided to have a go. Now when I think green eggs and ham, I think of a green fried egg, but I can't think of any way to dye the egg green. So I settled on green scrambled egg and ham.

Here's the before shot...



Here's the green eggs and ham...



Doesn't look too appetising does it? I couldn't stop giggling while I was making it, and GKL couldn't stop making grossed out noises. But I set myself to trying it, so I tried it. The ham was delicious, but then it usually is. The eggs.. they tasted like eggs. I haven't made scrambled eggs in years, and when I did I made them with full cream milk. GKL only had full skimmed in her fridge. I don't know if it was the different milk or my cooking skills or the green colouring, but I couldn't stomach more than one or two mouthfuls.

So, green eggs and ham not a success. But if anyone finds a way to dye a fried egg green I'll happily give it a go.