One of the things I struggle with with my depression is the future, and not feeling like I'm worth anything. 99% of the time I feel like I'm a waste of space and that there's not point of me existing. I see nothing ahead of me. No future, no plan, no purpose.
Working on this book, and this trip, has changed that. For the past few days, while I've been plotting the route and researching things to do in each city and creating the blog, I've been in a good mood. Not giddy and hyper (which I get occasionally), but an actual positive, optimistic, hopeful good mood.
It didn't even fade when I got a semi-nasty comment on my blog yesterday morning. It didn't fade when the mint chocolate brownies I'd spent hours making turned out to be a fail. The trip/book was bigger than my depression.
For a while.
This morning I woke up and couldn't face getting out of bed. I reset my alarm for a few hours later and went back to sleep. Then I did the same thing again. When I finally actually woke up I lay staring at the ceiling for half an hour. If I hadn't needed to use the bathroom, I'd probably still be staring at the ceiling. I still feel like I have a plan, but I'm in the part of my depression that gives me no desire to do anything. There are lots of household chores that need doing, and I downloaded a recipe for donuts, and I have emails to sort, and a Ravelry group to moderate, and crochet/knit/embroidery projects to work on. And I don't want to do any of it.
I'm going to write a book. Surprisingly for me, it's a non-fiction one. A travel book specifically. I'm planning an epic trip around America. 20 States in 80 Days. When I've finished I'm going to write a book aimed towards solo female travellers. In the meantime I'm going to blog a lot about it.
Read it here. Subscribe to it, comment on it, share it. Mostly, enjoy it.
My other main endeavour at the moment is my Etsy store.
It started in January as a pretty-much-everything store, but hasn't been particularly successful. The patterns are selling well though, so the store is gradually becoming a pattern store. I'm designing new patterns everyday. For knitting, crochet and embroidery. Check it out!
Celeena Cree Creations
Do you have an iPod touch? An iPhone? An iPad? All three?
Do you like fun? Puzzles? Games? Cute graphics and hilarious sound effects?
If you don't already, you should play some of Lightwood's games.
They make puzzle games, and specialise in making games to play with/against friends and random strangers on the internet. They have the first (and best) competitive Sudoku game, an insanely popular Daily Word Bingo game (you get a topic and 60 seconds to think of something for each letter of the alphabet), as well as jigsaw games, other word games, matchy-matchy games, stickery quiz games, and wordsearch games. They are very good!
So good that I had to go out and buy an old, secondhand iPod touch just so I could play them.
They're awardwinning too. They participated in a 24 hour game creation event in London last month, and won prizes for Best Use of Mobile, and Most Innovative Idea. They've already completed and perfected that game, and it's available to download. You can download all of their games at:
For today's blog I have no finished projects, no baking, and no fantabulous things lists to write up, so you get something utterly random. The contents of my junk drawer.
I actually don't have a junk drawer. Every drawer/shelf in my place is as organised as I can possible make it. When I move, I plan to have a zillion more shelves and be even more organised.
The "junkiest" place in my flat is probably the shelf by my bed. There's a rather eclectic mix of stuff to be found there...
... AA batteries
... a mini Lynx deoderant
... USB mouse
... green paper
... a bookmark
... assorted hair bands
... an eraser
... a smiley face charm
... sewing needle
... a small ball of yarn
... tea light candles
... an empty deoderant can
... shot glass
... bulldog clip
... craft knife
... mini pad
... nail file
... post its
... nail clippers
... some buttons
... drawing pin
... darning needle
... laser pointer
... blue tac
... a teddy applique thing
... crochet hook
... frankincense scented simmering granules
There. I've successfully wasted a minute of your life. What's in your junk drawer?
Another long, undetailed list. I'll try and remember to blog them more frequently.
483) Legend of Korra
484) Avatar: The Last Airbender
485) Happy dreams
486) Hot buttery toast
487) Ice lollies
489) Finding something you thought you'd lost
490) Non-virtual games
491) Unlimited text bundles
492) When you're sat on the sofa with one kitty on either side of you, and one on your lap
493) A purring cat
495) Being able to design amigurumi
499) Getting your cats neutered for free
501) Hot tomato soup
502) Cheese sauce granules
503) Polka dots
504) Transitions Lenses
506) Young Jim Carrey
507) Vampire books
508) Werewolf movies
509) Werewolf books
510) Making lists
511) White chocolate and cranberry cookies
512) Getting vetinary care for free
513) Filet crochet
514) Heath Ledger
515) John Cusack
516) Disney movies
517) Robin Williams
518) Tom Hanks
519) Jim Carrey
520) Rediscovering old poetry
521) White chocolate spread
523) Ashton Kutcher
524) Tim Allen
525) Nicholas Cage
526) Ewan McGregor
527) Neil Patrick Harris
528) Alan Tudyk
529) Sean William Scott
530) Simon Pegg
531) Kevin Bacon
532) Compliments from strangers
533) Compliments on my unique satchel bag
534) My unique satchel bag
535) Compliments in general
540) Dave Gorman
541) Seeing Dave Gorman live
542) Are YOU Dave Gorman?
543) Dave Gorman's Googlewhack Adventure
544) Alan Rickman
545) John Travolta
546) Martin Freeman
547) Kathy Najimi
548) Will Smith
549) Brad pitt
550) Early Angelina Jolie
551) Eating happily and finding out you've used few Weightwatcher's points
552) Lightwood Games
553) Splat the Difference
554) Suduko Party
555) Jay and Silent Bob
556) Seven Little Words
557) Bubble wrap
558) Hidden object games
561) Kathy Bates
562) Whirly Word
So yesterday I had a Guinea Pig Dinner Party. I invited my friends around to try out some recipes from the very large folder of recipes I want to try.
I served a slowcooked bbq meatloaf that was not entirely successful, some curried mushrooms that were so successful I'm having them again for lunch today.
And I served this...
That is a caramel apple cheesecake. It took a hell of a lot of work to make. Making the biscuit base, baking the biscuit base, cooling the biscuit base, pouring in the caramel and pecans, letting the caramel and pecans set, making the cheesecake layer, baking the cheesecake layer, four hours for the cheesecake to set, making the cream topping and adding more caramel. By the time I was going to serve it I was half-hoping that it wasn't that good, so I could throw away the recipe.
Unfortunately it was sublime. Absolutely scrumptious. So scrumptious that my guests almost ate to bursting so that they could finish it. So rich and tasty that my guests refused the recipe in case they made it themselves.
I'm keeping the recipe, but I suspect it shall become a special occasion dessert, rather than an everyday one. Thanksgiving, Christmas... Hmmm, I think there's still a slice left.
I have these notebooks where I keep handwritten copies of all the poems that I write. Today I got around to writing those haikus in it. Before those, do you know when the last poem that I wrote was?
October 2008. That's before I even started this blog. It's been a long, long, long time since I've written anything.
I want to be a better writer. I really do. I have "wordsmith" in a tattoo on my back, and I mean it. I just have this wonderful tendency to avoid things that are difficult or painful. So I've avoided the writers' block and dealing with it.
One of the things I have on my "to do" list is to go through all my writing as first drafts. I should do that. Some of those haikus were actually pretty good. With a bit of revision and editing they could be actual poems.
I think I'm going to add a day in my diary, once a month, to work on old pieces and do writing exercises and things. We'll see how that goes.
The ramblings on this blog may rarely make sense. They may be humorous or depressing or hyperactive or downright boring. They represent the thoughts of a slightly insane kinky, bisexual, creative, stitcher, knitter, reader, film-lover, writer, Brownie leader. Read on at your own risk.