Week 17: 20th April 2009 – 26th April 2009
Date:- 30th April 2009
New Thing:- sent a secret to Postsecret
I'm a big fan of the website Postsecret. People write their secrets on postcards and send them in, and every Sunday Frank posts some of them on the blog for the whole world to read.
I've always wanted to send a secret in. A thousand secrets. It's disturbing sometimes how many thoughts go around in my head, and my fear of what would happen if I ever let them out.
Today I created a postcard, not being able to find one suitable, wrote my secret on it and I sent it off to Frank in Maryland. I was terrified. I very nearly put it in an envelope, because I was sending it overseas and didn't want the post people to read it, then I realised that I was defeating the whole point of the blog. The point is to release your secrets. So, I wrote the address on the back, and off it went.
I won't show you the postcard, and I won't tell you the secret (although if you can crack my handwritten code it's in my scrapbook). I might tell you if it ever it appears on the blog.
Urk, I can't believe I did it.
one day one sentence
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Cel'eena Cree
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Thursday 23rd April 2009 - after the astonishment of finding Lindsay Bar closed, I came home and had a curry.
Friday 24th April 2009 - Brownies started back today, so lots of noise and stress.
Saturday 25th April 2009 - Considered going up to see N, didn't.
Sunday 26th April 2009 - Spent all day texting N who wished I'd gone up, even though he told me not to.
Monday 27th April 2009 - Ran around doing the errands that build up when you live nocturnally.
Tuesday 28th April 2009 - Slept for most of today, but actually managed to do some work at home.
Wednesday 29th April 2009 - Had a lb of Twizzlers thrown at me by my wonderful housemate who brought them back for me from America.
Friday 24th April 2009 - Brownies started back today, so lots of noise and stress.
Saturday 25th April 2009 - Considered going up to see N, didn't.
Sunday 26th April 2009 - Spent all day texting N who wished I'd gone up, even though he told me not to.
Monday 27th April 2009 - Ran around doing the errands that build up when you live nocturnally.
Tuesday 28th April 2009 - Slept for most of today, but actually managed to do some work at home.
Wednesday 29th April 2009 - Had a lb of Twizzlers thrown at me by my wonderful housemate who brought them back for me from America.
52 New Things - Note
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Cel'eena Cree
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Today is halfway through week eighteen. You might have noticed that last week (#17) has no entry. No new thing. My new year's resolution was to do a new thing every week, but last week it just never happened.
Now, I have a few options. I could:
a) stress about it
b) just give up on the whole project
c) start again
or
d) just do two things this week
I have to admit that in the past I'd be highly likely to do a and then b. However, considering that at the end of the year I'll be studying in Maine and doing numerous new things a week, I've decided to be flexible.
So, if I miss a week, I'll do two things the next week. And if I do more than one thing a week, what the heck.
Now, I have a few options. I could:
a) stress about it
b) just give up on the whole project
c) start again
or
d) just do two things this week
I have to admit that in the past I'd be highly likely to do a and then b. However, considering that at the end of the year I'll be studying in Maine and doing numerous new things a week, I've decided to be flexible.
So, if I miss a week, I'll do two things the next week. And if I do more than one thing a week, what the heck.
Pen (a poem)
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Use me.
Abuse me.
Drag my head
Across the page.
Let me participate
In the delight
Of creating
A masterpiece.
Abuse me.
Drag my head
Across the page.
Let me participate
In the delight
Of creating
A masterpiece.
Writer's Inklings
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Cel'eena Cree
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I am a writer. I call myself a writer. I have the word 'Wordsmith' tattooed on my back in honour of my writing. Although, recently I've been feeling a little like a fraud. I have writing published. Many poems in anthologies, I've even been paid for one published in a small magazine (although it cost me more than I was paid to buy a copy, but that's not the point). I've had a short story printed too. I wrote (a very bad!) novel as a teenager, which I try to pretend I had nothing to do with now. And a few years ago I started a proper novel, which started really well and I was insanely proud of. I used to be a member of a writing society at Hanley Library, and did writing exercises regularly. Did some courses online, just little free things.
In the past few years though, I've had major writer's block. I don't think I've written any poems in years, or any short stories. I've tried to occasionally, but nothing happens. If I write anything at all it's stunted and horrible. Every so often I'll be reminded of my novel and the guilt will be incredible. I'll get it out, read through it, attempt to write a bit, but will be so appalled at how rubbish it is I'll throw it away and ignore it.
So, in the last few months I've felt less like a wordsmith and more like a fraud. I look at my half-finished stories, I look at all the story ideas I have, I look at the HUGE folder of writing exercises I've collected over the years, I look at the folder with all the research and drafts of my novel in, and my heart breaks. It's been horrible. I look at the books with my published work in, I look back at the folder with my novel in, and a guilt I rarely feel floods over me. I hate it.
I love to type. I'm quite fast at it, although I only use one or two fingers. I love the feel of the keyboard beneath my fingertips. I love seeing the words appear on a page in front of me. Sometimes I go through typing phases, and because I just want to type without thinking, I'll grab something and just copy it. When I'm on a roll, and doing a piece of work, it's even more exciting seeing my thoughts and intelligence appear on the screen. Although educational rolls rarely happen. There's too much stopping to think, research, double check, etc.
A few weeks ago I found a notebook with the start of a story in, and character profiles and things. It's a story about a vampire, based on a semi-personal experience, and something I've been meaning to write up for years. I decided to put it on computer, because as much as I love the feel of a pen in my hand and the ink spreading onto the paper that's smooth under my hand (ooo, remind me to post my poem Pen), I work a lot quicker on computer. As I was typing up that story start, I started to get inklings again. Writer's inklings. Those little sparks of ideas in your head. The beginnings of the moment when the writer fades and the characters take over and suddenly you have no choice anymore. I wanted to keep writing. I started to approach the end of my notes and my heart was telling me to keep writing. My head was throwing me memories, and ideas and I was all set to keep typing, and then my written notes ran out and...
...my hands froze. Nothing. Nothing came out. I wanted to write. I wanted so badly to work on the story. The story in question, like I said, is based partly on personal experience. A large part of the story is something I dreamed. I knew exactly what was supposed to happen next. I know the entire story back to front and inside out and round and round in my head, but I couldn't write a single word of it.
Very frustrating.
And I've noticed that I've been writing more and more lengthy, rambling blog entries recently. Add to that the fact that I had a dream the other day about the main characters of my unfinished novel - they were in an alter, preying to their creator to save them and to not let them fade away, then they were all burnt to death in a roaring blaze. Issues much?
I think something is telling me to write again. And although I still have that horrible, aggravating, frustrating writer's block, I know how to work on that. In the past, when I've had mild block, I've grabbed an exercise or two from my folder and written something triggered by that, and then I've been fine.
So I have a plan! And a new label for the blog. Every other day, I'm going to attempt a writing exercise from my folder. I'll do it on the blog, so the whole world can see how stunted and appalling my writing is right now, and so that you can (hopefully) see me improve. I'll let you know how the writer's block goes.
In the past few years though, I've had major writer's block. I don't think I've written any poems in years, or any short stories. I've tried to occasionally, but nothing happens. If I write anything at all it's stunted and horrible. Every so often I'll be reminded of my novel and the guilt will be incredible. I'll get it out, read through it, attempt to write a bit, but will be so appalled at how rubbish it is I'll throw it away and ignore it.
So, in the last few months I've felt less like a wordsmith and more like a fraud. I look at my half-finished stories, I look at all the story ideas I have, I look at the HUGE folder of writing exercises I've collected over the years, I look at the folder with all the research and drafts of my novel in, and my heart breaks. It's been horrible. I look at the books with my published work in, I look back at the folder with my novel in, and a guilt I rarely feel floods over me. I hate it.
I love to type. I'm quite fast at it, although I only use one or two fingers. I love the feel of the keyboard beneath my fingertips. I love seeing the words appear on a page in front of me. Sometimes I go through typing phases, and because I just want to type without thinking, I'll grab something and just copy it. When I'm on a roll, and doing a piece of work, it's even more exciting seeing my thoughts and intelligence appear on the screen. Although educational rolls rarely happen. There's too much stopping to think, research, double check, etc.
A few weeks ago I found a notebook with the start of a story in, and character profiles and things. It's a story about a vampire, based on a semi-personal experience, and something I've been meaning to write up for years. I decided to put it on computer, because as much as I love the feel of a pen in my hand and the ink spreading onto the paper that's smooth under my hand (ooo, remind me to post my poem Pen), I work a lot quicker on computer. As I was typing up that story start, I started to get inklings again. Writer's inklings. Those little sparks of ideas in your head. The beginnings of the moment when the writer fades and the characters take over and suddenly you have no choice anymore. I wanted to keep writing. I started to approach the end of my notes and my heart was telling me to keep writing. My head was throwing me memories, and ideas and I was all set to keep typing, and then my written notes ran out and...
...my hands froze. Nothing. Nothing came out. I wanted to write. I wanted so badly to work on the story. The story in question, like I said, is based partly on personal experience. A large part of the story is something I dreamed. I knew exactly what was supposed to happen next. I know the entire story back to front and inside out and round and round in my head, but I couldn't write a single word of it.
Very frustrating.
And I've noticed that I've been writing more and more lengthy, rambling blog entries recently. Add to that the fact that I had a dream the other day about the main characters of my unfinished novel - they were in an alter, preying to their creator to save them and to not let them fade away, then they were all burnt to death in a roaring blaze. Issues much?
I think something is telling me to write again. And although I still have that horrible, aggravating, frustrating writer's block, I know how to work on that. In the past, when I've had mild block, I've grabbed an exercise or two from my folder and written something triggered by that, and then I've been fine.
So I have a plan! And a new label for the blog. Every other day, I'm going to attempt a writing exercise from my folder. I'll do it on the blog, so the whole world can see how stunted and appalling my writing is right now, and so that you can (hopefully) see me improve. I'll let you know how the writer's block goes.
One Day One Sentence
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Tuesday 21st April 2009 - ...and saw it rise while still at the library, before heading behind Keele Hall to bask in the sunlight which I usually can't stand.
Wednesday 22nd April 2009 - Woke up after 25 hours sleep, did a bit of admin at home, then headed to the library for another allnighter.
Wednesday 22nd April 2009 - Woke up after 25 hours sleep, did a bit of admin at home, then headed to the library for another allnighter.
Year of the Circuses
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Considering that it's April 22nd, and that last week I saw my fourth circus of the year, I've decided to officially make 2009 the Year of the Circuses. And I'm going to make every effort to see as many as I can. The ones I've seen so far?
1) Circus of Horrors
Some time in February I believe, the second time I'd seen it. Both times with GKL, both times at Victoria Hall in Stoke, and both times I absolutely loved it. The first time (last year) I fell in love with Dennis, who performs the first act. Namely, starting the show in a big tank of water and being yanked out of it by chains, to perform an acrobat act over the audience, dripping wet, dressed only in white cotton trousers, on said chains. It was delicious. This time around, GKL decided that since we enjoyed the show so much, we'd take advantage of the 2nd row seats we were offered. The view was spectacular. The water was warm though, which we weren't expecting. Show was as good as the first time. Blood, gore, dwarf urine. Brilliant. Will definitely be seeing it next year.
2) Chinese State Circus
Early March, again with GKL, in the Regent Theatre of Stoke. It was pretty good. Was introduced to some new acts, including some girls doing stuff on bicycles that I suppose traditional circus acts did on horses. It was fun.
3) Cirque du Soleil
I wrote about this as a New Thing. Always wanted to see it. Vaguely disappointed, but glad I did.
4) Mooky's Tower Circus
Very good. Had a disco ball. Mooky did some painting. There were aliens, and a trapeze act of a circling rocket ship. And the only circus I've seen so far that had a water display finale.
1) Circus of Horrors
Some time in February I believe, the second time I'd seen it. Both times with GKL, both times at Victoria Hall in Stoke, and both times I absolutely loved it. The first time (last year) I fell in love with Dennis, who performs the first act. Namely, starting the show in a big tank of water and being yanked out of it by chains, to perform an acrobat act over the audience, dripping wet, dressed only in white cotton trousers, on said chains. It was delicious. This time around, GKL decided that since we enjoyed the show so much, we'd take advantage of the 2nd row seats we were offered. The view was spectacular. The water was warm though, which we weren't expecting. Show was as good as the first time. Blood, gore, dwarf urine. Brilliant. Will definitely be seeing it next year.
2) Chinese State Circus
Early March, again with GKL, in the Regent Theatre of Stoke. It was pretty good. Was introduced to some new acts, including some girls doing stuff on bicycles that I suppose traditional circus acts did on horses. It was fun.
3) Cirque du Soleil
I wrote about this as a New Thing. Always wanted to see it. Vaguely disappointed, but glad I did.
4) Mooky's Tower Circus
Very good. Had a disco ball. Mooky did some painting. There were aliens, and a trapeze act of a circling rocket ship. And the only circus I've seen so far that had a water display finale.
New Thing # 16
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Week 16: 13th April 2009 – 19th April 2009
Date:- 14th April 2009
New Thing:- take my baby sister to Blackpool
I am fifteen years older than my youngest sister, hereafter known as Sprog. When she was an infant, and a toddler, me and our family friend (I can remember the code I've used for him, if I have, so I'm just gonna use his name 'til I get home and can change it) Lovell used to take her to Bournemouth quite a lot. We're from Hampshire, and Bournemouth was about an hour's drive away.
Since I've moved up to Stoke, whenever Sprog has come to visit we usually just stay in town. Her visits aren't half as frequent now. But when she and Lovell came up this weekend, he mentioned going to Alton Towers, and since I'm too big for most of the ride harnesses I suggested Blackpool Pleasure Beach instead. He said he wasn't fussed, he just thought a trip out of town would be nice.
So Tuesday dawns and nice and early (way too early for me who woke up at 3.30am and couldn't get back to sleep) the three of us headed off to Blackpool. It turned out that the Pleasure Beach was too expensive for us at the time, since Lovell was paying for all three of us, so we explored the tower to start with.
Our entry ticket...
...included a visit to the Tower Circus, and since it was just about to start we headed there first. I've already seen Mooky's Circus, but it was a different show so I wasn't bored in the slightest. Especially since they had rope acrobats (rapidly becoming my favourite circus act) and some rollerblading artists from the Circus of Horrors which I've seen twice. There were a few dull moments, but there are in any show I guess. The candyfloss Lovell got us, and the plastic spinning plates Sprog and I brought helped.
After the Circus we (avoiding the millions of over-tanned and made-up dancers that swarmed the place from the Junior Dance Federation event that was in the ballroom) had a quick viewing of the aquarium and squealed at Nemo and Dory. Then we went up the Tower and eventually persuaded Sprog to do the Walk of Faith thing. She only stepped onto the glass after I did, and then dragged her. But she did it. We even got her a certificate to prove it. And we posted Mum a postcard from the top of the Tower so it'd get its own special postmark.
Out of the Tower we headed for lunch, then the Central Pier - via the tram. Expensive Hook-the-Duck, a few rides, a vow never to ever go on the flipping Waltzer ever again (long story), and then Sprog finally convinced us to go to the arcade. I'd made the mistake of giving her a load of 2 pences. She's now addicted to those machine things. It's quite funny. She and Lovell had a race on an arcade thing, I beat her at Air Hockey, and we went to Egypt...
..and then we all headed back to Stoke to meet GKL and stuff ourselves silly at Taybarns. Good day had by all, including Sprog, who fell asleep in the car on the way home.
Date:- 14th April 2009
New Thing:- take my baby sister to Blackpool
I am fifteen years older than my youngest sister, hereafter known as Sprog. When she was an infant, and a toddler, me and our family friend (I can remember the code I've used for him, if I have, so I'm just gonna use his name 'til I get home and can change it) Lovell used to take her to Bournemouth quite a lot. We're from Hampshire, and Bournemouth was about an hour's drive away.
Since I've moved up to Stoke, whenever Sprog has come to visit we usually just stay in town. Her visits aren't half as frequent now. But when she and Lovell came up this weekend, he mentioned going to Alton Towers, and since I'm too big for most of the ride harnesses I suggested Blackpool Pleasure Beach instead. He said he wasn't fussed, he just thought a trip out of town would be nice.
So Tuesday dawns and nice and early (way too early for me who woke up at 3.30am and couldn't get back to sleep) the three of us headed off to Blackpool. It turned out that the Pleasure Beach was too expensive for us at the time, since Lovell was paying for all three of us, so we explored the tower to start with.
Our entry ticket...
...included a visit to the Tower Circus, and since it was just about to start we headed there first. I've already seen Mooky's Circus, but it was a different show so I wasn't bored in the slightest. Especially since they had rope acrobats (rapidly becoming my favourite circus act) and some rollerblading artists from the Circus of Horrors which I've seen twice. There were a few dull moments, but there are in any show I guess. The candyfloss Lovell got us, and the plastic spinning plates Sprog and I brought helped.
After the Circus we (avoiding the millions of over-tanned and made-up dancers that swarmed the place from the Junior Dance Federation event that was in the ballroom) had a quick viewing of the aquarium and squealed at Nemo and Dory. Then we went up the Tower and eventually persuaded Sprog to do the Walk of Faith thing. She only stepped onto the glass after I did, and then dragged her. But she did it. We even got her a certificate to prove it. And we posted Mum a postcard from the top of the Tower so it'd get its own special postmark.
Out of the Tower we headed for lunch, then the Central Pier - via the tram. Expensive Hook-the-Duck, a few rides, a vow never to ever go on the flipping Waltzer ever again (long story), and then Sprog finally convinced us to go to the arcade. I'd made the mistake of giving her a load of 2 pences. She's now addicted to those machine things. It's quite funny. She and Lovell had a race on an arcade thing, I beat her at Air Hockey, and we went to Egypt...
..and then we all headed back to Stoke to meet GKL and stuff ourselves silly at Taybarns. Good day had by all, including Sprog, who fell asleep in the car on the way home.
Written at 07.52 on Tuesday April 21st 2009 in the study area downstairs at Keele Library
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Cel'eena Cree
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The first bus left an hour ago. I could have gone home already. But I'm still here. Apart from arriving cleaners and early staff, I think I'm the only person still here. It's a little more eerie now. I was the only person in the IT suite five minutes ago. I kept wondering if they'd changed their minds and I wasn't meant to be there. And I'm the only person on this floor. It's deadly quiet. Actually, I don't think 'deadly quite' is the right phrase. It's not silent. I can hear my watch ticking, and I can hear birds chirping outside, and a motor running somewhere. I can hear cars on the roads and there's my own sniffling and breathing. But it's peaceful.
At home, I always have a DVD playing or Winamp running on shuffle. Even when I sleep I need to have noise in the background. Quiet allows the thoughts in my head to get louder and harsher and messier. So I avoid quiet. But this is nice. Peaceful. I'm tired, but I feel relaxed. Even though it's quiet, the voices have calmed down a little. Maybe I should come down here everyday.
The sun is up. It's that bright, beautiful, horrible sunny weather that gives me headaches and makes me itch and sneeze. It's ok to look at, and last summer (hopefully this one too) I'd sit on the grass with GKL and friends and work/stitch/read/doze/watch the world go by. But I don't like to be too active in it. I have been wondering thought, what the sunrise would look like from here. Since I came into the library the sun has set and risen again. Maybe next time I pull an allnighter here I'll come down to the basement a little earlier and watch the sky change colour.
At home, I always have a DVD playing or Winamp running on shuffle. Even when I sleep I need to have noise in the background. Quiet allows the thoughts in my head to get louder and harsher and messier. So I avoid quiet. But this is nice. Peaceful. I'm tired, but I feel relaxed. Even though it's quiet, the voices have calmed down a little. Maybe I should come down here everyday.
The sun is up. It's that bright, beautiful, horrible sunny weather that gives me headaches and makes me itch and sneeze. It's ok to look at, and last summer (hopefully this one too) I'd sit on the grass with GKL and friends and work/stitch/read/doze/watch the world go by. But I don't like to be too active in it. I have been wondering thought, what the sunrise would look like from here. Since I came into the library the sun has set and risen again. Maybe next time I pull an allnighter here I'll come down to the basement a little earlier and watch the sky change colour.
New hair dye, and a missing friend
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In preparation for meeting SN on Saturday night, GKL and I dyed my hair again. Unable to get to the shop that sells the brightly coloured Dimensions dyes I love, I ended up getting a Live Highlights one. Bright purple, naturally. We couldn't be bothered to just to the streaks, so GKL plonked the whole lot on. Now I have, surprise surprise, purple hair. Well, more of a plum actually. But it looks good. My hair always does.
And speaking of SN, aside from that very brief conversation on Facebook late Saturday evening (in which he promised to make it up to me however I wanted), I haven't heard from him since. No delivery reports coming from texts I've sent. He hasn't messaged me on Facebook, he hasn't been on MSN. Considering we spent all of last week talking through one of those three mediums, him disappearing is making me a little uncomfortable. How long do I give it before I assume he's done what all the others did, and what he swore he wouldn't do?
I dunno. It's a shame. OK, him being so nice got me a little confused about my relationship with N, but he was nice, and I hoped we could be at least friends. Looks unlikely now, doesn't it.
And speaking of SN, aside from that very brief conversation on Facebook late Saturday evening (in which he promised to make it up to me however I wanted), I haven't heard from him since. No delivery reports coming from texts I've sent. He hasn't messaged me on Facebook, he hasn't been on MSN. Considering we spent all of last week talking through one of those three mediums, him disappearing is making me a little uncomfortable. How long do I give it before I assume he's done what all the others did, and what he swore he wouldn't do?
I dunno. It's a shame. OK, him being so nice got me a little confused about my relationship with N, but he was nice, and I hoped we could be at least friends. Looks unlikely now, doesn't it.
The Idea, and the Outcome
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OK, those of you who read me regularly (and at least two of you do, since you kindly posted, and I thank you very much for your advice) will know that on Saturday night I had a bit of a big episode. My rambling post ended with me having an idea. I admitted the idea was stupid, and I admitted that it would probably end badly. Before I tell you how it ended, let me tell you what it was.
I broke up with N on Thursday, but I still had his quite expensive book. So, under the (thinly veiled) guise of returning said book, I took a day trip to Leyland to see him.
Yes. Bad idea. No. I didn't tell GKL 'til I was well on the way there. No. She didn't take it well. No. I didn't give up. No. I didn't tell him I was going.
I was very, very scared the entire trip up there. I knew it was a bad idea. A stupid, stupid, stupid idea. But I was going anyway. I paid my train fare, and I got on that bloody train. And the next train, and the next one, ad nauseum. Train travelling on Sundays is not fun. I was terrified he'd refuse to see me, that he'd slam the door in my face. So, while I was at Crewe train station I wrote a letter, that I could post through the door with his book. In the letter I explained why I did the stupid, stupid thing.
Yes, it would have been cheaper to post the book, even though it was a heavy one. But showing up at his door would stop all the "What if I had..." worries in a few weeks time. My ideal outcome from the trip was for him to pull me into his arms and kiss and tell me it's all okay and that we can forget all about Thursday. I didn't think that could happen, but I hoped. Even if he told me to go away, or slammed the door in my face, or told me he didn't want to know... I'd go home crying, and probably have another episode when I got back to my room, but I'd have closure. I'd have had the chance to say goodbye I never got any of the other times we broke up. So I went.
Outside his house, his mum spotted me first since she was on her knees in the front garden. He obviously hadn't told her I'd dumped him cos she took me around to the back door and told me to go on in. I went and sat on his bed and waited for him to come out of the bathroom. He came and stood in the doorway and said I was completely daft. I nodded and started to cry a bit. He hugged me, briefly, and I handed him his book. Then, because I couldn't say it without crying, I handed him the letter to read. He read it, then laid down on the bed and pulled me down into a hug.
We stayed like that for just over an hour. Just laying on the bed, sometimes talking. Sometimes not. The subject of what I'd said on Thursday came up, and he said he didn't care. He hadn't really thought about it.
This bit is still kinda weird in my head, so I'm pretty sure it's not gonna make much sense here, but I'll try anyway. N, as I've said many times, has depression. Whereas my depression affects me by making me clingy and over-emotional, his affects him the opposite way. I've described him as on a different planet, but from sixty miles away, when he has his episodes the only image I get is him in a strop and not giving a shit. Seeing it in person was scary. He wasn't just on a different planet, he was in a different flipping universe. He had no energy, at all. He had switched his computer on, with no idea why. He had no enthusiasm to play his computer games (which, believe me, is a BIG deal). He couldn't read. All he's been eating is whatever is handed to him. He couldn't make decisions. He's been sleeping 16 hours a day, sometimes more. And when he wakes up he just lies there. My brain doesn't shut up, his brain wasn't doing anything. While I was there he kept staring into space for ten minutes at a time. Most scary was when he took his glasses off to rub his eyes, then five minutes later wondered why everything was blurry. He forgot he had to wear glasses. It was scary and weird.
Seeing him like that, it hurt. It hurt because I couldn't help him. I hate my depression. I hate how it makes me feel. And I hate his depression, because I can't make him better. On the other hand, seeing him like that made it feel more real to me. I understand it more. I don't know entirely WHY I understand it more, but I do. Like I said, without seeing it all I knew was him in a strop. Seeing it, it makes more sense.
This is the bit that people aren't going to like. I want him. I still want him. I love him and I want to go out with him. I'm not sure if we're back together or not. He said he didn't care about the text on Thursday, but he doesn't care about anything right now. I left his house semi-convinced I'd get a text from him telling me never to come back. When I didn't get a text right away, I figured maybe there was still a chance. Then, as I approached the station, I got a text from him. "Thank you." When I asked him what he was thanking me for, all he said was "shrug", but considering how he's been recently, that "Thank you" felt like he was telling me he loved me. I may be wrong, I usually am, but there's a chance there. And, like I said before, I'm not going away. At least until his funk is over. I'm dating Jekyll, I won't break up with Hyde. When Jekyll comes back, we'll sort things out then.
GKL says she isn't mad. Although I haven't discussed my decision with her. We last discussed the whole N situation via text when I was at Crewe and she discovered where I was going. She said she wasn't mad, she said she didn't care anymore. Something along the lines of having enough of hitting her head against a brick wall. I know why she's frustrated. I hate seeing her get hurt too, but, and I mean this in the nicest way, she doesn't understand. I don't understand her relationship with IMP, I don't get all her issues with her family, I don't understand her stress from work and car crashes and things. Because I haven't experienced it. I can sympathise, I can advise, I can offer her my love and support and tell her that I'll always be here for her, but I can't understand, because I haven't experienced it, and ultimately, what she does in her decision. She hasn't experienced my relationship with N. She hasn't experienced the high bits, or the low bits, or the mediocre bits, and can't understand. So all she can do is advise me, and always be here for me (which I sincerely hope she still is), and let me make my own mistakes.
Speaking of advice though, I had a thought while I was on the way home. I can't be the only person in the world who's dated a depressive. In fact, everyone I've ever dated has dated a depressive. Anyone who's ever dated GKL or N has dated a depressive. There are billions of depressives in the world, which means there are billions of people in the world who have dated depressives. And what with this wonderful world wide web being so vast and wonderful, somewhere online there must be a forum for people who date depressives. So I'm going to look for it. Support group, advice, something like that.
Thank you, to both Anonymouses, or maybe one Anonymous who posted twice, for your posts. I appreciate very much any feedback anyone wants to give, and I always appreciate advice, even if I don't listen to it. Keep commenting!
I broke up with N on Thursday, but I still had his quite expensive book. So, under the (thinly veiled) guise of returning said book, I took a day trip to Leyland to see him.
Yes. Bad idea. No. I didn't tell GKL 'til I was well on the way there. No. She didn't take it well. No. I didn't give up. No. I didn't tell him I was going.
I was very, very scared the entire trip up there. I knew it was a bad idea. A stupid, stupid, stupid idea. But I was going anyway. I paid my train fare, and I got on that bloody train. And the next train, and the next one, ad nauseum. Train travelling on Sundays is not fun. I was terrified he'd refuse to see me, that he'd slam the door in my face. So, while I was at Crewe train station I wrote a letter, that I could post through the door with his book. In the letter I explained why I did the stupid, stupid thing.
Yes, it would have been cheaper to post the book, even though it was a heavy one. But showing up at his door would stop all the "What if I had..." worries in a few weeks time. My ideal outcome from the trip was for him to pull me into his arms and kiss and tell me it's all okay and that we can forget all about Thursday. I didn't think that could happen, but I hoped. Even if he told me to go away, or slammed the door in my face, or told me he didn't want to know... I'd go home crying, and probably have another episode when I got back to my room, but I'd have closure. I'd have had the chance to say goodbye I never got any of the other times we broke up. So I went.
Outside his house, his mum spotted me first since she was on her knees in the front garden. He obviously hadn't told her I'd dumped him cos she took me around to the back door and told me to go on in. I went and sat on his bed and waited for him to come out of the bathroom. He came and stood in the doorway and said I was completely daft. I nodded and started to cry a bit. He hugged me, briefly, and I handed him his book. Then, because I couldn't say it without crying, I handed him the letter to read. He read it, then laid down on the bed and pulled me down into a hug.
We stayed like that for just over an hour. Just laying on the bed, sometimes talking. Sometimes not. The subject of what I'd said on Thursday came up, and he said he didn't care. He hadn't really thought about it.
This bit is still kinda weird in my head, so I'm pretty sure it's not gonna make much sense here, but I'll try anyway. N, as I've said many times, has depression. Whereas my depression affects me by making me clingy and over-emotional, his affects him the opposite way. I've described him as on a different planet, but from sixty miles away, when he has his episodes the only image I get is him in a strop and not giving a shit. Seeing it in person was scary. He wasn't just on a different planet, he was in a different flipping universe. He had no energy, at all. He had switched his computer on, with no idea why. He had no enthusiasm to play his computer games (which, believe me, is a BIG deal). He couldn't read. All he's been eating is whatever is handed to him. He couldn't make decisions. He's been sleeping 16 hours a day, sometimes more. And when he wakes up he just lies there. My brain doesn't shut up, his brain wasn't doing anything. While I was there he kept staring into space for ten minutes at a time. Most scary was when he took his glasses off to rub his eyes, then five minutes later wondered why everything was blurry. He forgot he had to wear glasses. It was scary and weird.
Seeing him like that, it hurt. It hurt because I couldn't help him. I hate my depression. I hate how it makes me feel. And I hate his depression, because I can't make him better. On the other hand, seeing him like that made it feel more real to me. I understand it more. I don't know entirely WHY I understand it more, but I do. Like I said, without seeing it all I knew was him in a strop. Seeing it, it makes more sense.
This is the bit that people aren't going to like. I want him. I still want him. I love him and I want to go out with him. I'm not sure if we're back together or not. He said he didn't care about the text on Thursday, but he doesn't care about anything right now. I left his house semi-convinced I'd get a text from him telling me never to come back. When I didn't get a text right away, I figured maybe there was still a chance. Then, as I approached the station, I got a text from him. "Thank you." When I asked him what he was thanking me for, all he said was "shrug", but considering how he's been recently, that "Thank you" felt like he was telling me he loved me. I may be wrong, I usually am, but there's a chance there. And, like I said before, I'm not going away. At least until his funk is over. I'm dating Jekyll, I won't break up with Hyde. When Jekyll comes back, we'll sort things out then.
GKL says she isn't mad. Although I haven't discussed my decision with her. We last discussed the whole N situation via text when I was at Crewe and she discovered where I was going. She said she wasn't mad, she said she didn't care anymore. Something along the lines of having enough of hitting her head against a brick wall. I know why she's frustrated. I hate seeing her get hurt too, but, and I mean this in the nicest way, she doesn't understand. I don't understand her relationship with IMP, I don't get all her issues with her family, I don't understand her stress from work and car crashes and things. Because I haven't experienced it. I can sympathise, I can advise, I can offer her my love and support and tell her that I'll always be here for her, but I can't understand, because I haven't experienced it, and ultimately, what she does in her decision. She hasn't experienced my relationship with N. She hasn't experienced the high bits, or the low bits, or the mediocre bits, and can't understand. So all she can do is advise me, and always be here for me (which I sincerely hope she still is), and let me make my own mistakes.
Speaking of advice though, I had a thought while I was on the way home. I can't be the only person in the world who's dated a depressive. In fact, everyone I've ever dated has dated a depressive. Anyone who's ever dated GKL or N has dated a depressive. There are billions of depressives in the world, which means there are billions of people in the world who have dated depressives. And what with this wonderful world wide web being so vast and wonderful, somewhere online there must be a forum for people who date depressives. So I'm going to look for it. Support group, advice, something like that.
Thank you, to both Anonymouses, or maybe one Anonymous who posted twice, for your posts. I appreciate very much any feedback anyone wants to give, and I always appreciate advice, even if I don't listen to it. Keep commenting!
One Day One Sentence
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Sunday 19th April 2009 - spent 9 and a half hours travelling on three buses and six trains, to spend an hour and 45 minutes settling my mind.
Monday 20th April 2009 - saw the sun set while at the library....
Monday 20th April 2009 - saw the sun set while at the library....
Library allnighter
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Cel'eena Cree
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Keele uni library has finally succumbed to sixty odd years of pressure to extent their opening hours. For a trial period only they are opening for 24 hours during the week. Because I've been getting really, really behind in my work, I decided to spend all day at the library today, but slept too late and ended up getting here about seven pm. The library won't consider extending the opening hours on a permanent basis unless the trial is popular. So I consider my night here to be
JESUS! How much weight has Johnny Vegas lost? (Sorry, am watching Genius on BBC Iplayer, since I can take advantage of a much faster internet speed than my own. I've caught up on Britain's Got Talent, My Family and now Genius.)
Anyway, I consider my night here to be playing my part in convincing the library to stay open longer forever. Not that I've really been needed. The place has been reasonably busy all night. Not middle-of-essay-time-during-the-day busy, but the computer lab was at least 75% full. The hired security guards going around with their clicky things will have an accurate figure, no doubt. At the moment, it's 6am and there are three of four of us in the lab, but who knows how many people in the rest of the building.
It's been very weird. About half ten I felt ridiculously naughty, since the library shuts at 10 usually. There were loads of us in there, but it still felt naughty. When I left the house, I was a little intimidated. As a child I always wanted to spend all night in the library, but I was a bit weirded out by this plan. Not only does this library have a significant lack of picture books, but I'd planned to do a lot of work. Also, pretty much everyone else can plan an allnighter at the library, get bored at 3am and walk across campus to their room, or to their car and go home. I neither live on campus, nor drive. And the last bus was just past midnight. If I got bored, or too tired, I'd either have to walk home or fall asleep in a corner somewhere. I haven't reached that dilemma, because I didn't wake up until 4pm, and I've had crap loads of work to do, but the possibility was still scary.
I have got a lot of work done, and I've been out of the house, which I've barely done all vacation. I've still got a million pieces of work to do before term starts in two weeks, so chances are I'll be back a few times. If I could get away with it I'd probably move in, not that I've found anywhere to sleep. Mind you, I did always want to see how long Pro Plus could keep me awake for....
JESUS! How much weight has Johnny Vegas lost? (Sorry, am watching Genius on BBC Iplayer, since I can take advantage of a much faster internet speed than my own. I've caught up on Britain's Got Talent, My Family and now Genius.)
Anyway, I consider my night here to be playing my part in convincing the library to stay open longer forever. Not that I've really been needed. The place has been reasonably busy all night. Not middle-of-essay-time-during-the-day busy, but the computer lab was at least 75% full. The hired security guards going around with their clicky things will have an accurate figure, no doubt. At the moment, it's 6am and there are three of four of us in the lab, but who knows how many people in the rest of the building.
It's been very weird. About half ten I felt ridiculously naughty, since the library shuts at 10 usually. There were loads of us in there, but it still felt naughty. When I left the house, I was a little intimidated. As a child I always wanted to spend all night in the library, but I was a bit weirded out by this plan. Not only does this library have a significant lack of picture books, but I'd planned to do a lot of work. Also, pretty much everyone else can plan an allnighter at the library, get bored at 3am and walk across campus to their room, or to their car and go home. I neither live on campus, nor drive. And the last bus was just past midnight. If I got bored, or too tired, I'd either have to walk home or fall asleep in a corner somewhere. I haven't reached that dilemma, because I didn't wake up until 4pm, and I've had crap loads of work to do, but the possibility was still scary.
I have got a lot of work done, and I've been out of the house, which I've barely done all vacation. I've still got a million pieces of work to do before term starts in two weeks, so chances are I'll be back a few times. If I could get away with it I'd probably move in, not that I've found anywhere to sleep. Mind you, I did always want to see how long Pro Plus could keep me awake for....
Episode
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My week started off well. My baby sister came up for a visit for a few days. It was fun, on Tuesday we went to Blackpool. However, throughout the week I continued to converse with SN who was sweet and flattering and made me feel great. Also during the week, N continued to be seriously distant and completely lacking from my life.
I started to realise that I was coming up with excuses to break up with N, in the hopes of something happening with SN. I love N, but when he's distant and all but ignoring me, and someone else is telling me how much they want me, it makes it difficult to be a faithful girlfriend. I realised that even if it didn't work out with SN, I probably shouldn't be going out with N if I felt that way. So on Thursday I broke up with him.
Today, Saturday, SN was supposed to come visit. At first I assumed he meant daytime, because he'd never said any different. Then it turns out his shop opened today, so he was going to come down after work. Not a problem. I can handle that. Then I texted him a coupla times during the day. No answer. I waited and waited. He was gonna get in touch and tell me when he'd be arriving. Nothing. I checked my delivery reports. He had his phone switched off. Ah. OK, well the battery could have died, or he could have left it at home. So I waited. GKL came round to do my make up and help me beautify myself. And I waited. 7 o'clock came, and I started to get antsy. If his shop shut at 5 like he said, two hours was more than enough to get home and switch phone on. I tried texting again. Nothing.
By 9 o'clock I'd given up. At half nine he messaged me on Facebook. Apparently he'd gotten delayed waiting for his boss. He said he messaged me on MSN to let me know, but I never received it.
Cue crying, panic and stress. He's spent all week telling me he's not like the other blokes, and that he actually did want me, and that he wouldn't let me down, and then this. He does a disappearing act just like all the others. Maybe he really was delayed, I don't know. But whether he was or not, I'm still sat here feeling horrible.
It doesn't help that GKL was... less than supportive. I mentioned, in my depressive state, crawling back to N and she was snappy with me.
Speaking of N, he never replied to the message I sent him Thursday. I don't even know if he's read it. And after being let down by SN, I can't help thinking about how maybe it was a mistake. If I hadn't started talking to SN, I would have waited for N to get over his episode. Maybe he would have gotten better and things would have been ok. GKL is going to have a fit reading this, but I don't really care.
Right now all I care about is the fact that I'm upset and alone, just like people have been promising me I wouldn't be. I admit that one of my main reasons for going back to N all the time was fear of being alone. And one of the big things that persuaded me to dump him was SN and GKL promising me that I wouldn't be alone. But it's Saturday night, I'm sat on my bed crying so hard I'm choking, and doing stupid things to myself, and I have no one to turn to. I can't talk to N, because I dumped him. I can't talk to GKL, because she's given up understanding why I get upset over N. I can't talk to SN because he apparently doesn't wanna talk to me - given that he still hasn't switched his phone on, and that he isn't on MSN for the first time since I met him.
All I can do is blog. So I'm blogging. But it's not helping. I miss N. When I have episodes all I want is for him to hold me. And that won't happen anymore, because I pushed him away. For over a year now, the biggest regret of my life has been that I let him walk out the first night we had a disagreement. Now I've done it again, and I can't believe how much I regret it. Maybe it's just because I'm episoding. But, if he's the one my head and heart turn to whenever I'm upset, isn't that a sign.
I have an idea. And I think I'm going to go through with it. I know fully well that I'll likely end up regretting it. And if I tell GKL she'll bloody kill me, but I'm going to do it anyway. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.
I started to realise that I was coming up with excuses to break up with N, in the hopes of something happening with SN. I love N, but when he's distant and all but ignoring me, and someone else is telling me how much they want me, it makes it difficult to be a faithful girlfriend. I realised that even if it didn't work out with SN, I probably shouldn't be going out with N if I felt that way. So on Thursday I broke up with him.
Today, Saturday, SN was supposed to come visit. At first I assumed he meant daytime, because he'd never said any different. Then it turns out his shop opened today, so he was going to come down after work. Not a problem. I can handle that. Then I texted him a coupla times during the day. No answer. I waited and waited. He was gonna get in touch and tell me when he'd be arriving. Nothing. I checked my delivery reports. He had his phone switched off. Ah. OK, well the battery could have died, or he could have left it at home. So I waited. GKL came round to do my make up and help me beautify myself. And I waited. 7 o'clock came, and I started to get antsy. If his shop shut at 5 like he said, two hours was more than enough to get home and switch phone on. I tried texting again. Nothing.
By 9 o'clock I'd given up. At half nine he messaged me on Facebook. Apparently he'd gotten delayed waiting for his boss. He said he messaged me on MSN to let me know, but I never received it.
Cue crying, panic and stress. He's spent all week telling me he's not like the other blokes, and that he actually did want me, and that he wouldn't let me down, and then this. He does a disappearing act just like all the others. Maybe he really was delayed, I don't know. But whether he was or not, I'm still sat here feeling horrible.
It doesn't help that GKL was... less than supportive. I mentioned, in my depressive state, crawling back to N and she was snappy with me.
Speaking of N, he never replied to the message I sent him Thursday. I don't even know if he's read it. And after being let down by SN, I can't help thinking about how maybe it was a mistake. If I hadn't started talking to SN, I would have waited for N to get over his episode. Maybe he would have gotten better and things would have been ok. GKL is going to have a fit reading this, but I don't really care.
Right now all I care about is the fact that I'm upset and alone, just like people have been promising me I wouldn't be. I admit that one of my main reasons for going back to N all the time was fear of being alone. And one of the big things that persuaded me to dump him was SN and GKL promising me that I wouldn't be alone. But it's Saturday night, I'm sat on my bed crying so hard I'm choking, and doing stupid things to myself, and I have no one to turn to. I can't talk to N, because I dumped him. I can't talk to GKL, because she's given up understanding why I get upset over N. I can't talk to SN because he apparently doesn't wanna talk to me - given that he still hasn't switched his phone on, and that he isn't on MSN for the first time since I met him.
All I can do is blog. So I'm blogging. But it's not helping. I miss N. When I have episodes all I want is for him to hold me. And that won't happen anymore, because I pushed him away. For over a year now, the biggest regret of my life has been that I let him walk out the first night we had a disagreement. Now I've done it again, and I can't believe how much I regret it. Maybe it's just because I'm episoding. But, if he's the one my head and heart turn to whenever I'm upset, isn't that a sign.
I have an idea. And I think I'm going to go through with it. I know fully well that I'll likely end up regretting it. And if I tell GKL she'll bloody kill me, but I'm going to do it anyway. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.
One Day One Sentence
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Cel'eena Cree
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Thursday 16th April 2009 - broke up with my boyfriend, will let you know whether I regret it.
Friday 17th April 2009 - accompanied friend to a job interview then went shopping.
Saturday 18th April 2009 - got stood up, had huge episode.
Friday 17th April 2009 - accompanied friend to a job interview then went shopping.
Saturday 18th April 2009 - got stood up, had huge episode.
One Day One Sentence
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Wednesday 15th March 2009 - had an epiphany, didn't like it.
One Day One Sentence
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Monday 13th April 2009 - waited all day for my baby sister to arrive, walked the dog, went to Taybarns and ate a lot.
Tuesday 14th April 2009 - took baby sister to Blackpool, saw the circus, went up the tower, visited Central Pier, watched sister on rides, went on Waltzer, very nearly puked, decided not to go on Waltzer ever again, beat sister at air hockey, came home, went to Taybarns again.
Tuesday 14th April 2009 - took baby sister to Blackpool, saw the circus, went up the tower, visited Central Pier, watched sister on rides, went on Waltzer, very nearly puked, decided not to go on Waltzer ever again, beat sister at air hockey, came home, went to Taybarns again.
Strange
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I'm getting a few cravings.
a) for someone, preferably a nice warm man, to rub my shoulder and ankle better so they stop aching.
b) for a sausage and bean bake from Greggs.
c) for a tall glass of orange juice, with plenty of ice.
d) for a reason to search random websites online.
e) for inspiration to type something.
f) for hair like Daisy's in that Benjamin Button movie.
g) for someone to just curl up in bed with me, to hand me my glass of juice, and to let me rest my head on them while we watch movies.
If my boyfriend, or any of the men interested in me, lived in town I could probably convince them to give me a rub.
If I had money, I could go into Newcastle and get a sausage and bean bake, assuming that Greggs is open, considering its a Bank Holiday Monday, and assuming they have any in (they sell out pretty quick).
If I had any energy I could use the two quid or so I do have to go over the road to Tesco and get some orange juice. Don't have any ice though.
I'm never gonna have long, straight, perfect red hair, so I'm reasonably happy with my pinky/purple and brown fluffy mess. For now.
Item G... well, that's kinda wishful thinking at the moment.
And D & E? I do have a reason to research and a reason to type. I haven't done my work for the Group Project I'm doing yet. Even though, in my capacity as organiser type person, I've told everyone they should have it done by Friday. Last Friday. I have no idea if anyone's done it. Or if they've emailed it to the group member doing the powerpoint. I should send an email out, but I feel guilty. I haven't even started my research yet. I don't even know why. It's a topic that interests me. I've chosen to do everyday life information about USM and the local area. It's information I need to know, information I WANT to know. But I just can't start it.
I keep getting apathy attacks. Not just with the group project, but with everything. I'll start to knit, and two rows and not be bothered anymore. I'll take a bite of a sandwich, then not want to finish it. I'll open a webpage, but not be arsed to read it. Not all the time, but every so often. It's frustrating. But at least it's not all the time.
Urgh, I want a hug :(
a) for someone, preferably a nice warm man, to rub my shoulder and ankle better so they stop aching.
b) for a sausage and bean bake from Greggs.
c) for a tall glass of orange juice, with plenty of ice.
d) for a reason to search random websites online.
e) for inspiration to type something.
f) for hair like Daisy's in that Benjamin Button movie.
g) for someone to just curl up in bed with me, to hand me my glass of juice, and to let me rest my head on them while we watch movies.
If my boyfriend, or any of the men interested in me, lived in town I could probably convince them to give me a rub.
If I had money, I could go into Newcastle and get a sausage and bean bake, assuming that Greggs is open, considering its a Bank Holiday Monday, and assuming they have any in (they sell out pretty quick).
If I had any energy I could use the two quid or so I do have to go over the road to Tesco and get some orange juice. Don't have any ice though.
I'm never gonna have long, straight, perfect red hair, so I'm reasonably happy with my pinky/purple and brown fluffy mess. For now.
Item G... well, that's kinda wishful thinking at the moment.
And D & E? I do have a reason to research and a reason to type. I haven't done my work for the Group Project I'm doing yet. Even though, in my capacity as organiser type person, I've told everyone they should have it done by Friday. Last Friday. I have no idea if anyone's done it. Or if they've emailed it to the group member doing the powerpoint. I should send an email out, but I feel guilty. I haven't even started my research yet. I don't even know why. It's a topic that interests me. I've chosen to do everyday life information about USM and the local area. It's information I need to know, information I WANT to know. But I just can't start it.
I keep getting apathy attacks. Not just with the group project, but with everything. I'll start to knit, and two rows and not be bothered anymore. I'll take a bite of a sandwich, then not want to finish it. I'll open a webpage, but not be arsed to read it. Not all the time, but every so often. It's frustrating. But at least it's not all the time.
Urgh, I want a hug :(
One Day, One Sentence
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Tuesday 7th April 2009 - I did today what I'll likely be doing all easter; not what I should be doing.
Wednesday 8th April 2009 - more sleeping and not doing what I'm meant to be doing.
Thursday 9th April 2009 - Sleep, sleep, eating, internet, sleep.
Friday 10th April 2009 - spent the day sleeping and having delightful dreams about my new online friend, Noodle Boy.
Saturday 11th April 2009 - didn't go out as I planned, didn't stay awake like I planned, didn't do any work like I planned.
Sunday 12th April 2009 - beginning to really miss N.
Wednesday 8th April 2009 - more sleeping and not doing what I'm meant to be doing.
Thursday 9th April 2009 - Sleep, sleep, eating, internet, sleep.
Friday 10th April 2009 - spent the day sleeping and having delightful dreams about my new online friend, Noodle Boy.
Saturday 11th April 2009 - didn't go out as I planned, didn't stay awake like I planned, didn't do any work like I planned.
Sunday 12th April 2009 - beginning to really miss N.
New Thing # 15
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Week 15: 6th April 2009 – 12th April 2009
Date:- 12th April 2009
New Thing:- apologise to five people for things I've done in the past
Yet again, another task that wasn't half as easy as it sounds. I thought it would be quick and simple, but not only was it hard and slow, but it was almost painful. Some of my apologies were, while not insignificant, a little less severe than others. At least one of them was downright terrifying. The person involved and I have reached a new, tentative state of friendship, and I was so very scared that apologising would aggravate the old wounds and demolish the new friendship. Whether or not I have ruined it remains to be seen.
Apologising/confessing is meant to clear your head and make you feel better. I don't feel better. I feel lousy. All I've done is make myself hate myself a little bit more.
Next week's challenge is going to be much more cheerful.
Date:- 12th April 2009
New Thing:- apologise to five people for things I've done in the past
Yet again, another task that wasn't half as easy as it sounds. I thought it would be quick and simple, but not only was it hard and slow, but it was almost painful. Some of my apologies were, while not insignificant, a little less severe than others. At least one of them was downright terrifying. The person involved and I have reached a new, tentative state of friendship, and I was so very scared that apologising would aggravate the old wounds and demolish the new friendship. Whether or not I have ruined it remains to be seen.
Apologising/confessing is meant to clear your head and make you feel better. I don't feel better. I feel lousy. All I've done is make myself hate myself a little bit more.
Next week's challenge is going to be much more cheerful.
Torn
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Cel'eena Cree
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I have a dilemma. Actually, I have many dilemmas. (What's the plural for dilemma?) Anyway, the first dilemma is about whether or not to write about my dilemmas on here. This blog has become my diary. I write on her when I want to share something, or offload something. But I'm very aware that 'blog' means 'weblog' which means that anyone can be reading this. In some ways, I kind of like it. I like that anyone can over advice and comfort, like Anonymous did on my last entry. However, this dilemma is actually about people who may or may not read the blog. If they do, there might be repercussions. But I really want to get this off my chest. So, if either my boyfriend or the new friend I met this week (you know who you are, Noodle boy) is reading this.. well, you can keep reading it. Just be kind.
Hmmm, guess who my dilemma is about.
I love N. I love him with all my heart and that love hasn't changed even after a year and a half of pretty turbulent relations. I stayed in love with him while we were broken up, I stayed in love with him for the six weeks before we broke up last summer when he didn't seem to give a crap about me. I was still in love with him when he admitted his love for me in December, I was still in love with him when he messed me around over New Year, and I'm still in love with him even though he's distant at the moment.
When we're together, everything is great and wonderful and I wouldn't change a thing. When we're apart, I find it hard to cope sometimes, especially when he goes through a distant phase. At the moment he's ill. It's not just him being distant, it's him having an episode and waiting for the antidepressants his doctor put him on to kick in. He knows I'm here for him, he knows all I ask is that he let me know he's alive every day. Occasionally we have a text discussion, but he's still pretty distant.
On the other hand... I'm a member of various networking websites. Some innocuous ones like Plenty of Fish (which is where I met N actually), and some not so innocuous ones like Adult Friend Finder. I'm also on a site called Informed Consent and one called Collar Me. Both are for the kinkier type of person. Even though I'm in a relationship, I stay on these sites and I check my messages regularly. It's always good to make new friends, and given the on/off nature of mine and N's relationship, I might need a date one day.
Now, the other day I received a message from a guy on Collar Me. To be honest, the message was pretty standard. Nothing rude, but I receive about fifteen like it a week, on all sites. If he hadn't included a picture, and if he didn't have a really funky username, I probably wouldn't have messaged back. But I'm very glad I did. We had a brief conversation through Collar Me, then switched to MSN and we talked from 3ish in the morning to gone 8am. Then the next evening we texted all night, and again tonight. He's... he's lovely. We have a lot in common, he's intriguing, there's definitely a spark there. He's gorgeous too, which doesn't hurt things. Gorgeous, tall, skinny, geeky. Just my type. And he appears to like me too, which is always a plus.
If I didn't have a boyfriend I'd already be making plans to meet him. But, I do have a boyfriend. If N were in a good mood, like he was a few weeks ago, there wouldn't be a problem. I'd have replied to SN (that's the new guy), informed him I had a boyfriend and we'd just be friends. But N is not Jekyll, he's Hyde. Not quite. If he was Hyde, I'd give him an ultimatum. Tell him to buck up his ideas or lose me. But he's not Hyde. He's ill. I know what it's like to be rejected because of my depression. I refuse to abandon someone because of theirs.
I love N, and that hasn't changed. But.. Argh! This is hard. I don't know how to explain everything that is going on in my head. I love N. He makes me feel safe, and secure and beautiful and wonderful. But he is not a big communicator. When we're apart, and I'm down I can't just ask him to pay me a compliment. He needs to be in a good mood. And that's just who he is. SN on the other hand, appears to have compliments and flattery and chivalry and communication to the point where he's overflowing with it. (Proof: he's in a poly relationship, but more about that later.) Like I said, if Jekyll were in residence there wouldn't be an issue. But at the moment my boyfriend is Hyde-ish and it's a lot harder to cope with that when there's someone who wants me and is ready and more than willing to tell me so.
I don't want to break up with N. I want him to come out of his depression, and be Jekyll again. But the longer Hyde is in residence, the more likely I am to give in to SN. If he lived in town, I'd probably have given in yesterday when I had a bout of melacholy and just wanted to be held. But he doesn't. Guess where he lives. Oh yeah, just to make it more complicated he lives in the same town as N.
I don't know what to do. Or how to feel. I'm wary. I'm always wary of guys I meet online. Ones I click with think I'm lovely, tell me I'm beautiful. Sometimes there is three days of incredible conversation, and then they vanish. Sometimes we meet up, and they see me full-length and decide I'm "not their type". Sometimes we have one great first date, then things go squiffy. I can reel off a whole list of names for each scenario. Once, with N, things went great. When we first met we texted non-stop for a week before we met. For months he was attentive and loving and communicative, like SN is being now. But N stopped doing that. What if I decide I've had enough of N and want to be with someone who wants me, but then SN vanishes in a few days? Or what if he meets me and decides I'm "not his type" (he's sworn he's not that shallow, that he likes large girls, but they all say that). What if he changes in three months and I'm left with another Jekyll and Hyde situation? SN has difficulties with depression and things too.
Urgh. At this precise moment in time, given the choice, I'd want N to walk in her and kiss me rather than SN. Maybe that's because I've known N longer, maybe it's because I love him completely, maybe I'm not ready to give up on him yet. I don't know. But I'm a little confused.
I'm going to keep talking to SN though. He makes me feel good. And at the moment I really need that. Besides, I doubt GKL would let me stop talking to him yet. He's willing to let her teach him how to knit.
Hmmm, guess who my dilemma is about.
I love N. I love him with all my heart and that love hasn't changed even after a year and a half of pretty turbulent relations. I stayed in love with him while we were broken up, I stayed in love with him for the six weeks before we broke up last summer when he didn't seem to give a crap about me. I was still in love with him when he admitted his love for me in December, I was still in love with him when he messed me around over New Year, and I'm still in love with him even though he's distant at the moment.
When we're together, everything is great and wonderful and I wouldn't change a thing. When we're apart, I find it hard to cope sometimes, especially when he goes through a distant phase. At the moment he's ill. It's not just him being distant, it's him having an episode and waiting for the antidepressants his doctor put him on to kick in. He knows I'm here for him, he knows all I ask is that he let me know he's alive every day. Occasionally we have a text discussion, but he's still pretty distant.
On the other hand... I'm a member of various networking websites. Some innocuous ones like Plenty of Fish (which is where I met N actually), and some not so innocuous ones like Adult Friend Finder. I'm also on a site called Informed Consent and one called Collar Me. Both are for the kinkier type of person. Even though I'm in a relationship, I stay on these sites and I check my messages regularly. It's always good to make new friends, and given the on/off nature of mine and N's relationship, I might need a date one day.
Now, the other day I received a message from a guy on Collar Me. To be honest, the message was pretty standard. Nothing rude, but I receive about fifteen like it a week, on all sites. If he hadn't included a picture, and if he didn't have a really funky username, I probably wouldn't have messaged back. But I'm very glad I did. We had a brief conversation through Collar Me, then switched to MSN and we talked from 3ish in the morning to gone 8am. Then the next evening we texted all night, and again tonight. He's... he's lovely. We have a lot in common, he's intriguing, there's definitely a spark there. He's gorgeous too, which doesn't hurt things. Gorgeous, tall, skinny, geeky. Just my type. And he appears to like me too, which is always a plus.
If I didn't have a boyfriend I'd already be making plans to meet him. But, I do have a boyfriend. If N were in a good mood, like he was a few weeks ago, there wouldn't be a problem. I'd have replied to SN (that's the new guy), informed him I had a boyfriend and we'd just be friends. But N is not Jekyll, he's Hyde. Not quite. If he was Hyde, I'd give him an ultimatum. Tell him to buck up his ideas or lose me. But he's not Hyde. He's ill. I know what it's like to be rejected because of my depression. I refuse to abandon someone because of theirs.
I love N, and that hasn't changed. But.. Argh! This is hard. I don't know how to explain everything that is going on in my head. I love N. He makes me feel safe, and secure and beautiful and wonderful. But he is not a big communicator. When we're apart, and I'm down I can't just ask him to pay me a compliment. He needs to be in a good mood. And that's just who he is. SN on the other hand, appears to have compliments and flattery and chivalry and communication to the point where he's overflowing with it. (Proof: he's in a poly relationship, but more about that later.) Like I said, if Jekyll were in residence there wouldn't be an issue. But at the moment my boyfriend is Hyde-ish and it's a lot harder to cope with that when there's someone who wants me and is ready and more than willing to tell me so.
I don't want to break up with N. I want him to come out of his depression, and be Jekyll again. But the longer Hyde is in residence, the more likely I am to give in to SN. If he lived in town, I'd probably have given in yesterday when I had a bout of melacholy and just wanted to be held. But he doesn't. Guess where he lives. Oh yeah, just to make it more complicated he lives in the same town as N.
I don't know what to do. Or how to feel. I'm wary. I'm always wary of guys I meet online. Ones I click with think I'm lovely, tell me I'm beautiful. Sometimes there is three days of incredible conversation, and then they vanish. Sometimes we meet up, and they see me full-length and decide I'm "not their type". Sometimes we have one great first date, then things go squiffy. I can reel off a whole list of names for each scenario. Once, with N, things went great. When we first met we texted non-stop for a week before we met. For months he was attentive and loving and communicative, like SN is being now. But N stopped doing that. What if I decide I've had enough of N and want to be with someone who wants me, but then SN vanishes in a few days? Or what if he meets me and decides I'm "not his type" (he's sworn he's not that shallow, that he likes large girls, but they all say that). What if he changes in three months and I'm left with another Jekyll and Hyde situation? SN has difficulties with depression and things too.
Urgh. At this precise moment in time, given the choice, I'd want N to walk in her and kiss me rather than SN. Maybe that's because I've known N longer, maybe it's because I love him completely, maybe I'm not ready to give up on him yet. I don't know. But I'm a little confused.
I'm going to keep talking to SN though. He makes me feel good. And at the moment I really need that. Besides, I doubt GKL would let me stop talking to him yet. He's willing to let her teach him how to knit.
Posted by
Cel'eena Cree
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Every so often I have an incredible urge to type. Just randomly type. Nothing specific. I used to work on stories or my novel when I got that urge, but I've had chronic writer's block for years and my novel appears to have died. So now I blog. I randomly ramble on for you lovely people to read.
Nonsense typing isn't half as much fun at the moment, because my beloved laptop Archimedes is currently missing three keys and has another one (at least) that's wonky as hell. (He's also taken to closing itself down at random times recently - I might be getting a new one in a few weeks). For the tactile pleasure of tying it helps if all the keys are level. Shallow laptop keys have a nice feel (when they're all in place), but I like those old computer keyboards that click as you type. They have a few at Keele library. If I get another typing urge during the holidays maybe I'll go up there. Of course, I can almost guarantee that my typing urge will vanish when I have to start typing up the two essays I have due in May.
I'm not making much sense. I don't think my ramblings have been quite this random since I started the blog. I have a lot on my mind. It's ten past three in the morning and I can't sleep, because my sleeping pattern is all screwed up. And it doesn't help that I'm tired all the time. I've barely done anything for days but I'm physically and mentally exhausted. I feel like I could curl up and fall asleep for a year or two. I wish I could switch my brain off. I think I'd find it a lot easier to sleep if I didn't have a thousand voices yelling at me everytime I stop being busy and close my eyes.
I'm worried about a lot of things. And I know there's nothing I can do about any of them, but it doesn't stop me worrying. Worrying is in my nature. It's what I do. If I care about something, or someone, I worry about them. They can tell me not to worry as much as they like, I just can't switch it off.
I'm worried about N. He had a depressive episode/attack last Monday morning and he was signed off work for three weeks and put back on antidepressants. He's withdrawing. He called me briefly on Thursday night, and I asked him what he'd been up to. He told me he's been lying on his bed staring at the ceiling. That's what he does. Not thinking about stuff, or reading, or even sleeping. Just lying there. It worries me. I pointed out he could use the time off to play all his games for a few days and he said he couldn't be bothered. I almost burst into tears. And I got three times more worried about him. At least. I know it sounds silly, but if he can't be bothered to play his games then he must be really ill. And I know there's nothing I can do. I'm a depressive, I have my episodes. I know that when I'm episoding all I want is for him to hold me and tell me it'll all be okay, but that's not what he wants. He needs space and solitude 'til he's ready for anything else. And I will give him that. I'm not gonna nag him. I still text him, as I usually do, but I don't pester for responses. All I've asked is for him to send a message at least once a day to let me know he's still alive. He's okay with that. I just feel so helpless. I love him. He's the most incredible, amazing, wonderful person and he's done so much for me. It hurts that he's ill and lost and there's nothing I can do about it. So I worry. I think about him, and I send him my love and my support over the ether, and I worry about him. All the time.
And I worry about GKL. She's stuck. She needs a job, and rent, and I can't do anything to help her either. Her parents want her to move back to Nottingham until October (when hopefully she'll start a PGCE at Keele). She's resigned herself to the fact that she has to go live with her family again, but I'm scared. Ok, there are minor selfish reasons for me not wanting her to go to Nottingham. I don't want to be left alone in Stoke, I'll miss her like crazy, etc, etc. But I got the texts from her when she was home for a week over Christmas. I get her frustration after she has tense calls from her parents. I know full well what'll happen if she goes back to Nottingham for more than a week. She'll sink further into depression than she is now.
She's scared, and worried, and not sure what her future holds. And it's almost a year after she graduated and she had big plans for her future, but they aren't happening and she feels like a failure. There's nothing I can do to make her feel better, there's nothing I can do to sort out her problems, and that makes me worry. Because she's the best friend I've ever had. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her. I'd have killed myself ages ago. Or destroyed myself, there is a difference. I love her, and I can't help her.
It's a recurring theme in my life. N, GKL, C. People I love have problems, and they hurt. I can't do anything to help, so I worry.
Not to mention all the worry about myself. I'm not exactly on top of my own life here. I knew at the start of the semester that I needed to buck up my ideas with regards to attendance, and keeping up with the work. I knew it this semester, and I knew it last semester, and the two before that. And I start each semester with good intentions. My attendance invariably slips in the first fortnight and by the end of the first month I'm behind on the work. I've been telling myself I'll catch up at Easter. But now it is Easter and I have so much bloody work to do. I know I have the work, I know I need to do it, I know that if I don't do it I won't get to go to America in the fall, but I can't do it. I have no motivation. That's not right. I have plenty of motivation. A million reasons to do the work. Just no... I don't know. Urgh! There's a perfect Garfield quote for this. "My get up and go has got up and gone."
So I have uni work on my mind. I have my health on my mind. I have my mental stability on my mind. I've had a lot of reminders recently that antidepressants are a temporary solution. I know that. I don't know why people have been telling me. I don't even know if they've been mentioning it deliberately. All these comments about how antidepressants are to deal with the immediate situation and that to solve depression takes things like therapy. I know that. My antidepressants don't make me happy. They make me tired. They make the episodes I do have not quite so bad, and not quite so often. They don't make me happy. I know I have (major) issues, and I know I need therapy. I've been to therapy a million times. I don't think I've ever been to more than two sessions with the same person though. And very few made it to two. I go through phases of enlightenment, realise I need therapy and put myself on a waiting list. I get an appointment, I go (usually with some encouragement or force from friends), and I make an appointment for second meetings, and I can't go. I don't go. I rearrange the appointment, over and over, and skip them. And I never go back.
I can't even go through with an appointment with the woman in the student support centre at Keele. I've been at Keele nearly two years now and I've been meaning to go see her. I know I need to see her. My depression affects my performance at uni, and the student support centre can help me with that. But I make appointments, then I 'forget' them, or sleep through them, or just don't bloody go. Sometimes I remake them, four of five times in a coupla weeks. Sometimes I let it drop and try again a few months later. I need to sort it out.
I need to see my doctor, and tell him about the OCD tendencies I have, and tell him properly about how the depression is affecting my life. I think all I've ever told him is crying fits, self-harm and suicidal tendencies. I very rarely tell the doctor anything. When I went to see him about the illness episodes I've been having recently, he told me it was a bug and I'd get over it. He doesn't exactly inspire confidence.
I know I need to sort out these things, but I don't. It takes all my effort to remember to take my antidepressant every day. I'm only still taking them because my housemate works at Boots and they order and collect my prescription, and he brings the drugs home. If I didn't have him doing that, I'd have stopped taking them when the first month ran out. I can't take care of myself. Sometimes I don't want to.
I'm not sure what's going on in my head right now. I'm trying to type and type and not give the thoughts in my head any time to properly form. But little things sneak in. Like how much my shoulder is hurting, and how much my ankle is aching, and how much I miss N, and how scared I am about all kinds of things. About how scared I am that I'm always going to be scared. I know full well that if I stop typing and pick up some knitting, or do some work, or read a book I'll be distracted and I'll be fine for a while. But right now all I wanna do is curl up with N and fall asleep in his arms. That, or curl up alone in bed and cry. And since my teleportation skills still need some work, I guess it's the second option.
Nonsense typing isn't half as much fun at the moment, because my beloved laptop Archimedes is currently missing three keys and has another one (at least) that's wonky as hell. (He's also taken to closing itself down at random times recently - I might be getting a new one in a few weeks). For the tactile pleasure of tying it helps if all the keys are level. Shallow laptop keys have a nice feel (when they're all in place), but I like those old computer keyboards that click as you type. They have a few at Keele library. If I get another typing urge during the holidays maybe I'll go up there. Of course, I can almost guarantee that my typing urge will vanish when I have to start typing up the two essays I have due in May.
I'm not making much sense. I don't think my ramblings have been quite this random since I started the blog. I have a lot on my mind. It's ten past three in the morning and I can't sleep, because my sleeping pattern is all screwed up. And it doesn't help that I'm tired all the time. I've barely done anything for days but I'm physically and mentally exhausted. I feel like I could curl up and fall asleep for a year or two. I wish I could switch my brain off. I think I'd find it a lot easier to sleep if I didn't have a thousand voices yelling at me everytime I stop being busy and close my eyes.
I'm worried about a lot of things. And I know there's nothing I can do about any of them, but it doesn't stop me worrying. Worrying is in my nature. It's what I do. If I care about something, or someone, I worry about them. They can tell me not to worry as much as they like, I just can't switch it off.
I'm worried about N. He had a depressive episode/attack last Monday morning and he was signed off work for three weeks and put back on antidepressants. He's withdrawing. He called me briefly on Thursday night, and I asked him what he'd been up to. He told me he's been lying on his bed staring at the ceiling. That's what he does. Not thinking about stuff, or reading, or even sleeping. Just lying there. It worries me. I pointed out he could use the time off to play all his games for a few days and he said he couldn't be bothered. I almost burst into tears. And I got three times more worried about him. At least. I know it sounds silly, but if he can't be bothered to play his games then he must be really ill. And I know there's nothing I can do. I'm a depressive, I have my episodes. I know that when I'm episoding all I want is for him to hold me and tell me it'll all be okay, but that's not what he wants. He needs space and solitude 'til he's ready for anything else. And I will give him that. I'm not gonna nag him. I still text him, as I usually do, but I don't pester for responses. All I've asked is for him to send a message at least once a day to let me know he's still alive. He's okay with that. I just feel so helpless. I love him. He's the most incredible, amazing, wonderful person and he's done so much for me. It hurts that he's ill and lost and there's nothing I can do about it. So I worry. I think about him, and I send him my love and my support over the ether, and I worry about him. All the time.
And I worry about GKL. She's stuck. She needs a job, and rent, and I can't do anything to help her either. Her parents want her to move back to Nottingham until October (when hopefully she'll start a PGCE at Keele). She's resigned herself to the fact that she has to go live with her family again, but I'm scared. Ok, there are minor selfish reasons for me not wanting her to go to Nottingham. I don't want to be left alone in Stoke, I'll miss her like crazy, etc, etc. But I got the texts from her when she was home for a week over Christmas. I get her frustration after she has tense calls from her parents. I know full well what'll happen if she goes back to Nottingham for more than a week. She'll sink further into depression than she is now.
She's scared, and worried, and not sure what her future holds. And it's almost a year after she graduated and she had big plans for her future, but they aren't happening and she feels like a failure. There's nothing I can do to make her feel better, there's nothing I can do to sort out her problems, and that makes me worry. Because she's the best friend I've ever had. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her. I'd have killed myself ages ago. Or destroyed myself, there is a difference. I love her, and I can't help her.
It's a recurring theme in my life. N, GKL, C. People I love have problems, and they hurt. I can't do anything to help, so I worry.
Not to mention all the worry about myself. I'm not exactly on top of my own life here. I knew at the start of the semester that I needed to buck up my ideas with regards to attendance, and keeping up with the work. I knew it this semester, and I knew it last semester, and the two before that. And I start each semester with good intentions. My attendance invariably slips in the first fortnight and by the end of the first month I'm behind on the work. I've been telling myself I'll catch up at Easter. But now it is Easter and I have so much bloody work to do. I know I have the work, I know I need to do it, I know that if I don't do it I won't get to go to America in the fall, but I can't do it. I have no motivation. That's not right. I have plenty of motivation. A million reasons to do the work. Just no... I don't know. Urgh! There's a perfect Garfield quote for this. "My get up and go has got up and gone."
So I have uni work on my mind. I have my health on my mind. I have my mental stability on my mind. I've had a lot of reminders recently that antidepressants are a temporary solution. I know that. I don't know why people have been telling me. I don't even know if they've been mentioning it deliberately. All these comments about how antidepressants are to deal with the immediate situation and that to solve depression takes things like therapy. I know that. My antidepressants don't make me happy. They make me tired. They make the episodes I do have not quite so bad, and not quite so often. They don't make me happy. I know I have (major) issues, and I know I need therapy. I've been to therapy a million times. I don't think I've ever been to more than two sessions with the same person though. And very few made it to two. I go through phases of enlightenment, realise I need therapy and put myself on a waiting list. I get an appointment, I go (usually with some encouragement or force from friends), and I make an appointment for second meetings, and I can't go. I don't go. I rearrange the appointment, over and over, and skip them. And I never go back.
I can't even go through with an appointment with the woman in the student support centre at Keele. I've been at Keele nearly two years now and I've been meaning to go see her. I know I need to see her. My depression affects my performance at uni, and the student support centre can help me with that. But I make appointments, then I 'forget' them, or sleep through them, or just don't bloody go. Sometimes I remake them, four of five times in a coupla weeks. Sometimes I let it drop and try again a few months later. I need to sort it out.
I need to see my doctor, and tell him about the OCD tendencies I have, and tell him properly about how the depression is affecting my life. I think all I've ever told him is crying fits, self-harm and suicidal tendencies. I very rarely tell the doctor anything. When I went to see him about the illness episodes I've been having recently, he told me it was a bug and I'd get over it. He doesn't exactly inspire confidence.
I know I need to sort out these things, but I don't. It takes all my effort to remember to take my antidepressant every day. I'm only still taking them because my housemate works at Boots and they order and collect my prescription, and he brings the drugs home. If I didn't have him doing that, I'd have stopped taking them when the first month ran out. I can't take care of myself. Sometimes I don't want to.
I'm not sure what's going on in my head right now. I'm trying to type and type and not give the thoughts in my head any time to properly form. But little things sneak in. Like how much my shoulder is hurting, and how much my ankle is aching, and how much I miss N, and how scared I am about all kinds of things. About how scared I am that I'm always going to be scared. I know full well that if I stop typing and pick up some knitting, or do some work, or read a book I'll be distracted and I'll be fine for a while. But right now all I wanna do is curl up with N and fall asleep in his arms. That, or curl up alone in bed and cry. And since my teleportation skills still need some work, I guess it's the second option.
New Thing # 14
Posted by
Cel'eena Cree
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Week 14: 30th March 2009 – 5th April 2009
Date:- 4th April 2009
New Thing:- own llama
This week's new thing will only really make sense to knitters, or anyone who can appreciate the delights of yarn.
For GKL's birthday a month ago we were going to go on a tour of five or six yarn stores across the local area, do a bit of experimenting. See if we couldn't find somewhere to shop other than Abakhan (which was getting a bit tedious). Then she had an accident and the trip was postponed. On Thursday we decided that we'd do it, and on Saturday we went a-travelling, with C along for the ride.
Let's skip over the getting lost part (we weren't lost. I knew where we were the whole time, it just wasn't where we were meant to be) and move on. We visited 3 of the 5 stores on my list. Another one was no longer around, and we gave up on the last one so we had enough time to get back to the first one. The first two shops were linked, on the same stretch of road. I'm not going to tell you where it is, because the three of us decided to keep it as our own secret little heaven, but those shops are absolute heaven.
Of the two shops, one sold really good yarn, and the other sold really REALLY good yarn. No one but a knitter will know what this means, but they had Noro. Lots and lots of beautiful, delicious, expensive Noro. NORO!! While C and GKL were fondling the Noro and looking at books, I was over at a display of all kinds of yummy soft yarn. I held a ball of alpaca (practically drooling) and C points out that they might have the llama I wanted.
Quick explanation of the llama thing - I'm a nerd. I'm obsessed with a flash video online (google 'llama song'), so much so that I had the word 'llama' tattooed on my hand in mirror writing. So when I found out that you could buy yarn made from llama hair, I knew I had to have some. C's knitting goal was to own a ball of Noro (which he now does) and mine was to own llama.
The lady in the shop (wonderful woman) says that, actually, they do have llama. I start grinning. She hands me this skein of terracotta orange yarn. I take it from her and have a mini orgasm at how wonderful it feels. I can't describe how soft it feels. All the words I can think of are wholly inadequate. I'm there, holding this yarn, stroking it and I'm giggling and sighing and drooling and getting dizzy and getting palpitations and all sorts. This yarn is amazing! I take it over to C and GKL who admire it with me, and I say that I might buy it, no matter how expensive it is, even though it's orange. Then that wonderful shop lady tells me two pieces of information. A) it's only £5 something a skein, not nearly as expensive as I was expecting. B) they have it in other colours. Holding my breath, I ask if they have purple. And she hands me this beautiful skein...
OH MY GOD! Not only am I holding deliciously soft, 100% baby llama yarn, but it's in purple too!
I brought the skein. And, on the way to the counter, when the yarn in my hand begged me not to leave its lover on the shelf, I picked that one up and brought both of them.
So now I own two skeins of deliciously soft, 100% baby llama yarn, in purple.
(Viva la purple!)
Date:- 4th April 2009
New Thing:- own llama
This week's new thing will only really make sense to knitters, or anyone who can appreciate the delights of yarn.
For GKL's birthday a month ago we were going to go on a tour of five or six yarn stores across the local area, do a bit of experimenting. See if we couldn't find somewhere to shop other than Abakhan (which was getting a bit tedious). Then she had an accident and the trip was postponed. On Thursday we decided that we'd do it, and on Saturday we went a-travelling, with C along for the ride.
Let's skip over the getting lost part (we weren't lost. I knew where we were the whole time, it just wasn't where we were meant to be) and move on. We visited 3 of the 5 stores on my list. Another one was no longer around, and we gave up on the last one so we had enough time to get back to the first one. The first two shops were linked, on the same stretch of road. I'm not going to tell you where it is, because the three of us decided to keep it as our own secret little heaven, but those shops are absolute heaven.
Of the two shops, one sold really good yarn, and the other sold really REALLY good yarn. No one but a knitter will know what this means, but they had Noro. Lots and lots of beautiful, delicious, expensive Noro. NORO!! While C and GKL were fondling the Noro and looking at books, I was over at a display of all kinds of yummy soft yarn. I held a ball of alpaca (practically drooling) and C points out that they might have the llama I wanted.
Quick explanation of the llama thing - I'm a nerd. I'm obsessed with a flash video online (google 'llama song'), so much so that I had the word 'llama' tattooed on my hand in mirror writing. So when I found out that you could buy yarn made from llama hair, I knew I had to have some. C's knitting goal was to own a ball of Noro (which he now does) and mine was to own llama.
The lady in the shop (wonderful woman) says that, actually, they do have llama. I start grinning. She hands me this skein of terracotta orange yarn. I take it from her and have a mini orgasm at how wonderful it feels. I can't describe how soft it feels. All the words I can think of are wholly inadequate. I'm there, holding this yarn, stroking it and I'm giggling and sighing and drooling and getting dizzy and getting palpitations and all sorts. This yarn is amazing! I take it over to C and GKL who admire it with me, and I say that I might buy it, no matter how expensive it is, even though it's orange. Then that wonderful shop lady tells me two pieces of information. A) it's only £5 something a skein, not nearly as expensive as I was expecting. B) they have it in other colours. Holding my breath, I ask if they have purple. And she hands me this beautiful skein...
OH MY GOD! Not only am I holding deliciously soft, 100% baby llama yarn, but it's in purple too!
I brought the skein. And, on the way to the counter, when the yarn in my hand begged me not to leave its lover on the shelf, I picked that one up and brought both of them.
So now I own two skeins of deliciously soft, 100% baby llama yarn, in purple.
(Viva la purple!)
one day one sentence updates
Posted by
Cel'eena Cree
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Thursday 2nd April 2009 - overslept, again, then spent a few hours at Keele stitching with friends and having a certain ex-friend's stench melt my nose from the inside.
Friday 3rd April 2009 - handed in an assignment with hours to spare, and celebrated the end of term with Brownies, Easter bonnets and Guiding songs.
Saturday 4th April 2009 - a yarn store tour that started with going a few miles out of the way and ended with ridiculous giggles over the two skeins of 100% baby llama yarn I brought.
Sunday 5th April 2009 - woke up at 10pm and felt like crap because I'd missed my best friend's party.
Monday 6th April 2009 - finished the washcloth I was making for my boyfriend, only to discover (d'oh!) that variegated yarns don't work well with patterns.
Friday 3rd April 2009 - handed in an assignment with hours to spare, and celebrated the end of term with Brownies, Easter bonnets and Guiding songs.
Saturday 4th April 2009 - a yarn store tour that started with going a few miles out of the way and ended with ridiculous giggles over the two skeins of 100% baby llama yarn I brought.
Sunday 5th April 2009 - woke up at 10pm and felt like crap because I'd missed my best friend's party.
Monday 6th April 2009 - finished the washcloth I was making for my boyfriend, only to discover (d'oh!) that variegated yarns don't work well with patterns.
more One Day One Sentence
Posted by
Cel'eena Cree
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Monday 30th March 2009 - Ill, all day, with vomiting over oneself and passing out, it was not pretty.
Tuesday 31st March 2009 - I finished the family loom!
Wednesday 1st April 2009 - Why has no one ever fed me Eton Mess before?
Tuesday 31st March 2009 - I finished the family loom!
Wednesday 1st April 2009 - Why has no one ever fed me Eton Mess before?
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