General update

Hey there internet. How are you? Good? I hope everyone is well. It sucks to feel horrible. Things are definitely getting better for me. My relationship with Neil is back on track, my relationships with my sisters are getting better too.

I'm feeling healthier and more hopeful and optimistic and just generally less depressed. I'm still having trouble getting into a routine though. I drew up a daily timetable for myself a few weeks ago. A regular time to wake up, chores and things throughout the day, a scheduled bedtime. Something to give me a routine (which I don't thing I've ever really been able to impose on myself) and to remind me to do the important things that I forget to do - like take my pills, and take the trash out, and feed the pets.

The problem is that the timetable means getting up at 9am, and I seem to be incapable of doing that. I got out of my nocturnal living when I went to Neil's. I was up in the morning, and asleep at a decent time. I planned to continue it when I went home. I even went to bed at midnight, a la my timetable. I woke up at 9am, got up, went to the bathroom, fell asleep on the loo, fell off and smacked my head on the sink. Fun.

So I got to thinking. Although 8 hours a night is average and accepted and recommended and all that, my body is more used to 13-15 hours sleep a night. Maybe instantly cutting my sleeping time in half was upsetting my body? Maybe I should decrease the sleep gradually? So I went back to bed, setting the alarm for 11. I'd get up at 11 for a week or so, then 10 for a week or so. Ending up at 9am, a la the timetable.

I woke up at 3pm. Now it's all a mess again. Didn't get to sleep until nearly 8 this morning, slept til gone 6. Big mess!

So, new plan. I NEED a routine. And if I can't get my body to start the timetable, then I'll change the timetable. I'm gonna create a new one for getting up at 1pm and do that for a few weeks, then one for getting up at 12. Get up earlier until I'm settled.

Come September I need to be getting up at 7am in the morning every day, or earlier. I don't think I've mentioned why yet, but I will. When it's definite. Not sure yet. But at the moment the idea of getting up before 7 every day seems impossible. I need to work on it!

In other news, I started back at Weightwatchers last night. While I was at Neil's we were talking about the future, and about our honeymoon in Disneyland (if he ever gets around to proposing!) and about how I'll be able to go on the rides there because it's America and they have fat seats. Somehow the conversation got around to our kids, and what I'd say to them when they wanted me to go on rides with them and I was too big. So, inspired to start back at Weightwatchers. Again.

I was terrified about the weigh-in. When I tried Slimming World earlier in the year I was very, VERY close to 30 stone. I was scared I'd passed that barrier. I don't care about my weight. I don't look like I weigh as much as I do. My only reason for losing weight is my future kids. With my ovary issues the chances of even getting pregnant without significant weight loss are ridiculously slim. It'd be nice to be able to buy clothes from more than one shop too. But for some reason, crossing that 30 stone barrier terrified me!

The good news is that I didn't. I was two lbs less than I was when I was last weighed at Slimming World. So in the past two or three months I managed to lose two lbs, which is good. Wish me luck on losing more :-)

New Thing: Challenge # 16

Challenge 16 - Make three juggling balls and learn to juggle within 2 weeks.

Although this was a two week challenge, and I still have 6 days, I'm pre-emptively failing myself. I just haven't had the chance to even look for a pattern to make the balls, let alone practice the juggling. As always, it'll go back in the tub, so I may well pick it up again.

Current saved total: £25
Current donated total: £55

HSKS 10 - SPEW hat

I didn't finish my SPEW hat in time for last week's homework, but I've finally finished it so here it is, being tastefully modelled by Bryan the monkey, with my dear friend Jen in the background.

It's only the second hat I've ever made. The first was a crocheted beanie during quidditch last year and I unravelled that as soon as I could because beanie hats just don't suit me.

I'm very impressed with this :-) I had to fight very hard against adding some kind of decoration, but I guess it's for babies so additions probably aren't a very good idea. It's a little big for a premie hat, but bigger babies still get cold heads. All I have to do now is add a label and post it off :-)

HSKS 10 - Care of Magical Creatures Homework

Part One: Please Describe and Explain 5 items that you would use for the care of Magical Creatures. ie: mittens for handling of poisonous plants, goggles etc. There are no wrong answers as long as they can describe how the object is used. You will received 5 points for each described item and 5 points if you post an original photo of everyday items found around your home to represent each item. (originality marker rules applies for photos)

My originality marker...



1) If someone was brave silly enough to own a pet Basilisk, they’d need a mirror with which to look at it, in order to reduce death to petrification. For instance, I know my neighbor knows not to look at his without something like this…



2) To calm a Bowtruckle enough to remove wood from its tree, you’d need to offer it fairy eggs…



3) A good sturdy pair of shoes is all that’s needed to rid oneself of a pogrebin that might be tailing you. If a stunning spell doesn’t work, just kick it…



4) If you’re going to breed any type of magical creature you need blankets to keep the babies warm…



5) Nifflers are superb creatures for collecting gold, but you need shiny coins to attract them in the first place…



--

Part Two: Complete the following quiz about House Elves. 5 points for each correct answer.

1. Please describe the physical appearance of a house elf.

A house elf is short, pale and weak looking, with big ears and big sad eyes. They usually wear nothing, although some acquire some type of rag.

2. Kreacher is the house elf of which wizarding family?

Kreacher belongs to the Black family, although when Sirius Black dies he is inherited by Harry Potter.

3. What is Hermione Granger making for the house elves?

Hermione makes hats for the house elves and leaves them around Hogwarts in order to trick the elves into accepting them.

4. How do you free a house elf?

To free a house elf, you need to present it with an item of clothing.

5. What does S.P.E.W. stand for?

Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare

--

Part Three: Bonus/Extra Credit assignment. For a bonus assignment, knit or crochet a SPEW project that will be sent to our lovely Ms. Mooney as part of this year's S.P.E.W project. You will receive 25 points for your completed project.

I did start this project, but haven’t been able to finish it. I hope that by showing a picture of my progress I can receive part points at least.

My Wishlist

For those that are interested... I'll update it periodically.

- "It Itches" by Franklin Habit (a stash of knitting cartoons)
- stitchmarkers
- buttons
- beads
- ribbons
- clear glass jars of all sizes, as long as they have lids
- merino yarn
- random wall-hanging photo frames
- peanut butter M&Ms
- strawberry twizzlers
- fruit gums
- absinthe
- "201 Crochet Motifs, Blocks, Patterns & Ideas" by Melody Griffiths
- a Japanese puzzle box
- "Plus Size Crochet" by Margaret Hubert
- Pandora bracelet safety chain
- "Really useful boxes"
- Cashew nuts
- Blackworking kits and patterns
- Simmering granules
- "Gothic Cat" Blackwork kit by Teresa Stephenson
- "Tigger" Disney Vervaco cross stitch kit (# 2575/19.049)
- "Pooh" Disney Vervaco cross stitch kit (# 2575/19.050)
- "Eeyore" Disney Vervaco cross stitch kit (# 2575/19.051)
- "Oriental Panel II" cross stitch kit (ALR20)
- "Uncommon Crochet" by Julie Armstrong Holetz
- This pattern from White Lies designs
- "I Heart Felt" by Kathleen Taylor
- any pattern or item from handmadekitty or pasubio9 on etsy, or similar
- "Knitting Mochimochi" by Anna Hrachovec
- This pattern from Mochimochi land
- This pattern from Mochimochi land
- This pattern from Mochimochi land

A Turning Point

Ladies and gentlemen, the medication has kicked in! I'm not feeling one hundred percent, but I'm a lot better. I'm up and... well not dressed cos I like living in pajamas if I don't have anywhere to go. But I get out of bed. I even straightened my hair yesterday :-) I'm having trouble leaving the house alone without having panic attacks at the moment, but I'm hoping that'll pass.

I'm pretty sure I won't have trouble leaving the house on Monday. I'm going to Leyland to see my Neil :-) He's feeling better too. He sounds almost like his old self. His libido is back, he's back to calling me just for a chat, and he's started saying he loves me again. Things are looking good :-)

HSKS 10 - Transfiguration Homework

Okay, so for this week's homework we had to create various items. Here's what I did. I created a Bowtruckle from some felt and some googly eyes, I created a remembrall from a piece of paper (ignore the fact that it's more remembcube), and I created a snitch from some yarn.

Here's my Originality marker...



(it's the locket I wear almost constantly.)

Here are the items I transfigured into the BOWTRUCKLE...



MATERIO BUG VERTO



--

Here's what I transfigured into the REMEMBRALL...



TRANSFORMUS ORIGAMUS



--

Here's what I transfigured into the GOLDEN SNITCH...



CROCHETUM VOLATILLIS ORBIS



Homework done :-)

New Thing: Challenge # 15

Challenge 15 - Learn to write 2 sentences legibly with your left hand.

This one wasn't nearly as difficult as I thought it was going to be.



It's legible, even if it does look like a small child wrote it.

Current saved total: £25
Current donated total: £50

New Thing: Challenge # 14

Challenge 14 - Find a stupid British law and break it

You know how in places in America it's illegal to walk around with a donkey on your head? For example: in Hawaii, you can be fined for not owning a boat. In Missouri it's illegal to have oral sex. In Reno it's illegal to lay down on the sidewalk. In Maine you can be fined for having your Christmas decorations up after January 14th. Laws like that.

Well this week's challenge is to find a stupid law like that in England, and break it. It's really not as easy to find laws in England as it is to find dumb American laws. But I found this BBC article and discovered the following things:

- it's illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of armour
- it's also illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament
- it's illegal to eat mince pies on Christmas day
- it's an act of trason to place a postage stamp bearing the Queen's head upside down

So, I did this...



Current saved total: £20
Current donated total: £50

New Thing: Challenge # 13

Challenge 13 – Read the four Gospels

FAIL! I borrowed a bible. Jen loaned me the lovely King James Version she got given in Sunday school. I didn't even open it. I have to say though, I'm not too fussed.

Current saved total: £15
Current donated total: £50

HSKS 10

As you can probably tell from the return of pictures in my sidebar, HSKS has restarted. Session 10 is a term at Hogwarts and I am a proud student of Slytherin House. Our first piece of homework is to list the three characters we've chosen and to say why we've chosen them.

So, the kits that we send out to our swappees will be based around one of three chosen favourite characters. The characters I chose were:

- Draco Malfoy
- Sirius Black
- Severus Snape

So my swap package, which will be coming from Havelock the Hunter, will be based around one of those three. Here are my reasons for choosing them:

- I love all things gothy, and Slytherin is definitely the gothiest of the houses
- I like the bad guys
- The three actors (Tom Felton, Gary Oldman and Alan Rickman) are absolutely incredible at their job and are sooooo very nice to look at :-)
- I picked Snape because one of my favourite internet videos is the Potter Puppet Pals Mysterious Ticking Noise video
- I love dogs; aside from monkeys they're my favourite animal (let's just ignore the fact that I have a cat and a rabbit as pets)

Hmmm, this is harder than I thought. I don't thing I've ever had to justify why something is my favourite before. I hope that's enough. If it's not I'll try to thing of something else.

New Thing: Challenge # 12

Challenge 12 – Complete an entire colouring book

This was the second attempt at this challenge, with Michaela while I was in Basingstoke. We gave it a much better go this time around. The colouring books were more interesting, and we had crayons for the big bits. I completed 32 of 40 pictures, but never finished it.


Current saved total: £15
Current donated total: £45

New Thing: Challenge # 11

Challenge 11 – Create a family tree

This one is very very difficult. I have a big complicated family, and because of my OCD tendencies I feel the need to put everyone and everything in. I have two half sisters and three step-step brothers. There are divorces and second marriages and cousins and all sorts. I can get the information, that's not a problem in the slightest. My problem is layout. I can't even get the most recent generations on a family tree. I don't know how to fit it all in. And I really want to make a family tree that includes Neil's family, so I can pass it on to our kids, but it's impossible.

I have all the information, and I will be making a family tree, but I failed this challenge.

Current saved total: £15
Current donated total: £40

One hour into April and it snows…

Hello April. It’s nice to see you again. It’s been a long time. I don’t suppose you could do me a teeny tiny favor and just be nicer to me than March was? March was a real bitch this year. She and I did NOT get along. I could do with a break, and it’d be nice if you could provide that for me. The pretty snowfall while I was in the kitchen was a good start, keep it up like that? Pretty please. Love, Cleo.

Hey there Internet. How ya doing? Long time no talkee. Which is kinda my fault I guess. I’ve been a little lacking in the blogging department. But I don’t see you messaging me. You could always make the first move, you know Internet.

Okay, enough with the humor. I really haven’t been doing well the past few weeks. For a start, I haven’t been taking my meds. Not deliberately, but I ran out and getting my prescription proved awkward. I took my repeat prescription in, and said to myself that I’d collect it when I went to the doctor’s for my appointment about the x-ray on my ankle. But then every time I called them, there were only emergency appointments available and then a week had gone by and then I went to my mother’s for the weekend and I ended up there for a whole week and by the time I got home I’d been off my meds for 2-3 weeks and all the antidepressant was out of my system.

Which, just by itself, is not a good thing. It’s a bad thing. But when it’s coupled with other things going wrong, then it becomes a flipping disaster. And there have been other things. Aren’t there always other things? When will the other things just go away? While I was at mum’s last week I did a very, very, VERY stupid thing. I don’t know how much detail to go in, cos this is the internet and everything, but it’s no secret that I’m ridiculously bad with money.

Here’s the thing. I’m not bad at budgeting. I’m really not. I’m very good at budgeting. I’m ridiculously brilliantly wonderful at budgeting. It’s just organizing, and I’m REALLY good at that. I can budget with the best of them. I’m just not so good at sticking to the budget. That’s where I fail. Miserably. I am bad with money. It’s no secret. Very bad with money. Have been since I was sixteen and suddenly had control of my own finances. I’m sort of genetically predisposed to it, the same way I’m genetically predisposed to curves. From my mother’s side.

After all the mess I got into in America last year, and the nearly not making it there at all, I was determined to be better with money. My New Year’s resolution was to better with money. Much better. I failed. That New Year’s resolution failed miserably. Half way through March and I was already way behind on my bills. So – and here’s the really stupid thing – when my housing benefit payment went into my bank account I made the (very, very, VERy stupid) decision to use it to pay off my bills rather than paying my rent. The way my unmedicated depressive brain saw it, I was consolidating. I worked it out, and I could clear the rent off by the end of April. But I overestimated how lenient my landlady was. Which was fair enough. I really shouldn’t have done it. At all. But I did, and I couldn’t undo it, much as I might like to.

So my very cheesed off landlady officially served me 30 days notice on my apartment. If I cleared my rent within seven days I could stay. If I’d been at home when this happened, I’d have episoded and probably done Something Stupid. As it was, I was at my mother’s. In her living room. With my 12 year old sister. The text conversation with my landlady had me in tears and my sister was very worried, so I suppressed the episode. Note: that’s a bad idea. It physically hurts to suppress an episode. It’s a much better idea to let it out.

So Thursday evening I pack up all my bits and head to the station to get the train back home to sort out my affairs and sell lots of my crap in order to make the rent. Except that I miss my train. My pre-booked train that I can’t transfer. By seconds. I had the time wrong in my head, and it pulled away just as I got onto the platform. After sobbing like a baby in the train station; seriously thinking about throwing myself in front of a train; dismissing the idea as far too inconvenient for other people; sobbing at the bus stop and waiting in the rain for half an hour, I end up back at my mum’s. Where I cry some more. Lots of crying.

Mum understands my urgent need to get home. Aside from the rent, the landlady has decided to do a house check on the Tuesday so I had to get home to sell stuff and sort out money as well as cleaning my house and getting rid of anything incriminating. So while I cry, mum calls her friends and manages to borrow me money for a train ticket on Saturday. Thanks John!

But this means missing the last Brownie meeting of term, so Jen wasn’t too happy with me. But during the meeting time on Friday I text her to find out how it went. She was even unhappier. We’d had to cancel a theatre trip due to unavailability of tickets and one of our most awkward parents had ripped into her about that, about the fact that her daughter’s jacket was in the supply cupboard which she wouldn’t be able to get to until after Easter because I had the key, and she ripped into her about me not caring about the girls because I wasn’t at the meeting that night. She really is not one of our favourite parents. But aside from that there was something else which I’m not going to mention on a public blog. I’ll sum it up – I cocked up, again! I’ve resigned from my position as Unit Guider because of this cock up and I am deeply ashamed about it. I don’t plan on leaving Guiding for good. It’s too big a part of my life. But I am leaving that unit, probably the division (but that’s mostly because where I live at the moment is actually in a different division and if I’m gonna change units I might as well go to one that’s close).

So it was not a good week. And because I was unmedicated I didn’t deal with it at all. I’m still not dealing with it well. I’m back on my meds, as of only two days ago so they aren’t really in my system yet, and the rent is sorted so I don’t have to move again. But I’m depressed. Oh, did I mention that I’m ill. Mum and Michaela were both ill with sniffles and stuffy noses and headaches and horrible coughs. And of course, they gave it to me. So I’m depressed AND I’m ill.

Plus, Neil is still in Hyde mode, although he is getting better. Even if he was feeling better, he can’t afford to pay the £30 train fare cos he’s been out of week for three months. So I’m lonely too. I had an episode this evening, and I had nowhere to go. Neil had fallen asleep, or just chosen to stop replying to my text messages. Jen was on a date. Cayden was at home with a sick relative. And that pretty much sums up the list of people I can talk to at the moment. I used to have a whole host of people I could text when I was feeling low. I have very few of them left. Those that I still text regularly… well, I usually feel like I’m bugging them when I text them.

Hang on….

Sorry, the rabbit knocked something over in the living room. He’s been relegated to live there permanently now, since after coming home I had to throw away two of my books, cellotape three more together and replace two ringbinders. I just don’t have the storage space to take everything off the rabbit-height shelves and put them somewhere else. So, for now, he stays in the living room. He’s doing well though. He binkies a lot. For those who aren’t well-versed in rabbit terminology a binky is what a rabbit does when he’s happy and content. He jumps high in the air and waggles his little feet while he’s in the air. It makes me ever so happy every time he does it; partly because I’m permanently paranoid that I’m a bad pet owner.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah… lonely, lost, worried, sick, sad, miserable, scared, depressed and with no one to talk to.

I’m not entirely sure what I’m accomplishing by posting this online. But I get a lot of strength from reading Dooce’s blog and seeing that she’s come through her depression and her post natal depression and is dealing with it and has a lovely family and is a successful happy wife and mother. Maybe in a few years I’ll be doing better, and someone will read my blog and it will give them strength to see what I’ve gone through.

Blah, that’s probably all rubbish. I just needed to rant a little bit. Rant over.