Filbert

Thought I'd show some stitching. This isn't a Project 200 piece, but it's something I quite like. His name is Filbert, and he's the first in a range I'm making for my Etsy store. I can't sell this guy, because my last safety eye was a little squished in (I don't know if you can tell by the picture). I'll be making lots more in the same basic shape with differing decorations and will sell them for loads of moolah. Well, little bits of moolah that will build up :-)

Not as Miserable as I Sound

For anyone who actually read my last post, or my blog in general, I just wanna let you all know that I'm not actually as miserable as I sound. Yes, I have depression. Yes, just getting up everyday takes a tremendous amount of effort. But I'm not miserable every second of every day.

My entire life when I've had a journal I've had the same problem. I write when I'm stressed, or frustrated, or miserable. And I rarely write when I'm happy and contented. So it looks like my life copmletely sucks. I've just never had an internet read my journal before. So I'll try to write more positive posts.

I did eventually get back to sleep yesterday. And I slept for a whole 17 hours. Felt great afterwards. Still do. I've been up all night technically (woke up at midnight), but I've gotten quite a bit done. I feel productive. I like feeling productive. One of my OCD things is writing lists. Obsessive lists. Lists of everything. The biggest being to-do lists. Lots of them. So when I get to check things off that list, it makes me feel good. I've crossed off a few today, and even though there's still a bajillion things left on it, I feel good.

Of course, feeling good might have a little to do with the hot chocolate cobbler I just ate, but I've counted it in my daily points total, so it's even guilt-free chocolate cobbler.

My life really isn't that bad. I could sit here and easily list the bad things, and there are plenty of them. But if you read my blog at all, you know most of them already. You probably don't know many (if any) of the good things.

I'm talented. I forget it sometimes, but I am. If you look around my house there are dozens of examples of beautiful cross stitch and cute little crochet/knit creatures. And although I've got writer's block at the moment, I have files of some pretty good writing. And a shelf full of books that my poems have been printed in.

I may not be conventionally attractive, but I'm cute. I have a little button nose, and big bright blue eyes. And if you ignore the myriad of scars, I have lots of soft, smooth, clear skin.

I'm generous, and kind, and friendly (once I get past the crippling shyness and anxiety). I'm good with kids. I'm good with animals. I cook the most delicious muffins, and I have a few other recipes I excel at. Creamy chicken and corn chowder, anyone? Chocolate cream pie? I know a certain gentleman who'd eat three of my chocolate cream pies if it wouldn't make his stomach explode.

And I'm lucky. I don't always feel like it, but I am. I have a roof over my head, and food to eat. I don't live in an area where I need to worry about terrorists or war. I have water and electric and heat and clothes. A lot of the time I feel like my life is completely pointless and that it isn't worth living. I need to remember that there are so many millions and millions of people who have it a lot worse than me. I may have trouble finding the energy to leave the house, but I do have a house I can be agoraphobic in. And I can afford the chocolate cake to binge on.

I might not have a social life, or many friends, but I still have people I can talk to. I have two friends who have stuck by me throughout all the shit I dole out, and who don't mind my foibles. They haven't abandoned me when I ranted about them. They're still my friends, and sometimes it might take them a while to reply to messages, but they always do. One of them is just simply wonderful. I admitted some things I'd lied to him about, and he didn't bat an eyelid. He's kind, and friendly, and sweet. And even though he has a lot of his own troubles, he's always there to help me deal with mine. He walks into town centres to get my meds when I can't, even though he's feeling ill himself. I wish I could adequately explain to him how grateful I am that he's my friend.

I have two beautiful cats, even if they are completely cuckoo. They pee in the wrong places, and they scratch, and they run around the house making a racket while I'm trying to sleep. But they're cute, and affectionate, and funny, and they give little nose-kisses, and they're my constant companions. Without my pets I'd be even more insane than I am now. Right now Smudge is asleep on a box. Well, she's trying to sleep. Lexie is on top of her, chewing on her own tail. Smudge is staring at her, like she wants her to explode. It's quite cute to see.

I'm not always happy, but I'm quite often content. Right now I'm content. My butt hurts from sitting on this awkward chair for too long, but I'm content.

Just wanted to let the internet know I'm not always miserable and stroppy.

Don't know what to title this...

It's 4 in the morning, and I'm awake. Not by choice. I want to be asleep. I was asleep until a couple of hours ago when my body decided that it was time to get up, whether I liked it or not.

So here I am. I know I haven't blogged in a while, and I don't really have an excuse. The good news is the Mammoth Secret Project is finished! It only took 15 months (which was 8 months too long), but it is now done! I can't reveal it just yet, because it hasn't been delivered. Look for the big reveal at some point in September.

It does mean that I can go back to working on Project 200 things though. I have one piece I've finished but haven't revealed yet, because it needs ironing and then I need to get Cayden to take a picture of me in it. But Project 200 is back on track. Having said that, I have got two more big things due soon. I need to have most of my Christmas presents done by early September for when I go down south next. And we plan to open the Etsy store in September, so I need to get lots of products done for that. So there will probably be no big significant work done on Project 200 until at least September - but I'm working occasionally on one or two pieces.

So that's where I am craftwise. In other news... well my lovelife is as dead and defunct as it has been for months. I'm still besotted with someone who switches between hot and cold every five seconds. Supposedly I'm going to stay with him for a few days in August, but judging from the tremendous Neil-triggered episode I had the other day, I'm not entirely sure it's a good idea. I want to talk about it, but I don't think I can. It's all confused and complicated in my head. The sensible part of me, not that it's very big, is constantly making snide little remarks. Probably very wise and clever remarks. But it is always completely overshadowed by the huge and strong part of me that loves him and doesn't want to give him up.

I was about to start writing about how my friend-life is going, and dieting, and family, and everything else. But that's really kinda dull. Nothing has changed. I'm hoping to get some changes in life in September. I'll be going back to Stitch and Bitch, and Role Playing, and other groups I've found.

My life is plodding along as it has been for years. I know what I want from my life, and I'm working towards getting those things. But it's slow, very slow, and I'm not so good at maintaining confidence.

I have no idea what I'm writing about now. I just have that common urge to write, and don't know what the hell to write about. And all that does is bring back writer's block frustrations.

ARGH! I want to be asleep. Either asleep, or eating large amounts of ice cream. I have no ice cream :(

Feltaversary

July 14th 2011 is my 2nd Feltaversary. Which means that two years ago I made this delightful little piece.



I haven't shown much of my work recently, because it hasn't been Project 200 stuff. I've been working on pieces for my Etsy store, and designing patterns, and trying to finish this damn Mammoth Secret Project. But I have been working with some felt for the store, so I can show you one or two pieces.

Sorry for the misery

Hiya Internetz. Sorry about the lack of blogging. And I'm sorry that this blog will be a bit miserable too.

I haven't been blogging mostly because I haven't been finishing off any Project 200 crafts. I've been working on patterns and designs for my upcoming Etsy store, and project testing those patterns, and making other pieces to sell. I have been working on Project 200, it's just been small parts of big projects. I have restarted the Mammoth Secret Project. Well... I haven't "restarted" it, that would be insane. But I have started working on it again. I'm getting there. I'd like to have it finished by the start of September, so that I can deliver the bloody thing. That's all I'm working on this month. That and two or three cross stitch pieces. Nothing else. Not until the MSP is finished.

In the meantime... ouch. I have the plague. Well, I have the flu. Probably not even flu. More like a cold. But I don't do sick well. I do sick like a man. I feel like I'm dying. I have a completely stuffed head, a nose that can't decide if it's runny or stuffed, a stomach that gets queasy when I think about eating but that has me starving all the time. The light hurts. No energy. Can't stop sleeping. Mind you, that isn't all that different from normal.

I feel... wrong. I want nothing more than to be curled up in bed with a certain Lancashire Lad, watching a movie or something. And I can't have that. There's not much more in life that I want other than that. I wanted ice cream and milkshake earlier, and spent four hours mustering energy to go out to Sainsbury's, before I remembered that it was Sunday and the shops had been closed for hours. Wham. Depression. Because I wasn't in a bad mood already.

When I thought I was moving to Basingstoke, I scoured the internet looking for clubs and groups and societies and classes and things to get myself a social life. Checked out all the libraries and colleges and community centres and things. In the past week I've been doing the same thing for here, now that I've decided to stay. I'm going to start getting bus passes in September again, and go back to Stitch and Bitch at Keele, and restart Brownies, and join all these new groups. Get myself a social life. Give myself somewhere to go, make some new friends.

Except that right at this very moment, that seems like a really stupid thing to do. Yes, it kinda sucks being lonely. But it's safe. I can't get hurt or wound up or anything by people if I don't interact with any of them. People are evil. What I really want to do is stay the hell away from all of them.

I wish I could switch myself off. I don't mean that to sound suicidal, because it isn't meant to be. I'm not suicidal. I don't want to die. There are lots of things in life that I want, that I enjoy, that I look forward to. It's just that 90% of the time I'm not enjoying myself. I'm working hard, all the time, just to stay conscious and not collapse in a big pile of flesh and tears. I'm so tired of it. I want an off-switch. So I could just turn myself off right now, and wake up again when it's Christmas. Or when Neil is better and wants me again. Or when they've found a cure for depression.

I'm tired, and ill, and frustrated, and angry, and worried, and exceedingly uncomfortable and all I want is Neil. And then I feel worse, because I'm not meant to want him. He's just my friend now, nothing more. I shouldn't want him anymore than I want Cayden. But I do. I want Neil, and I want to stop feeling so shit all the bloody time.