Project 200 - 22/178

Here's the next one.



22 down
178 to go

He wouldn't have wanted to be called a hero

Hey there internets. It's me again, obviously. You know, I was going to go to sleep hours and hours ago. It was cold in here, so I crawled into bed to stay warm and was going to go to sleep around 8 or 9ish. But then I pressed this lethal little button...



And I got trapped. Ended up Stumbling for an hour or so, and went through being tired to being wide awake again. I tried to sleep again an hour ago, but now I can't sleep. This time I have something specific on my mind. Out of nowhere, I can't stop thinking about Paul.

Paul Warren was Neil's younger brother. He was a Marine, and he died in Afghanistan last year. I didn't know him all that well, and I regret that now. I don't know why he's on my mind so much tonight, but he is. I've been thinking about whether or not there's a War Memorial nearby that perhaps I could go place a flower on. I don't know what else to do. What do you do when someone dies? What do you do when it's someone so incredibly important to the people that you love, but who you didn't really know?

I do wish I'd spoken to him more. I don't go to Neil's place that often, and Paul was barely there. When he was I did what I always do while I'm there and hide in Neil's room. I've never really spoken much to his other brother, Richard, or his parents. I feel bad about that. I want to. I want to talk to them more. I want to get to know them. Hopefully they're going to be my family one day. I'd like to be able to know something about them.

I'm rambling. I know I'm not making any sense. I just have all these thoughts and things floating around in my head, and where else should I spill them but right here?

From what Neil's told me about Paul, he wouldn't be impressed with flowers. He's had his name put on memorials, and all kinds of honours and things, and Neil finds it amusing, because Paul would have hated it. It sounds to me like Paul was a lot like Neil. Except that my darling boyfriend would never be brave enough to go fight a war. He's a big wussy, like me.

While I was laying in my bed completely unable to sleep, and thinking about Paul, lines of possible poetry started to drift through my brain. "The hero who was almost my brother." But that's wrong. Really wrong. I don't think he would have liked to have been called a hero. He was. The man was a hero. I read all the news articles about him after his death, and the Ministry of Defence press release. And the things that he did... he was a hero. But he wouldn't have seen it like that. He was doing his job. His unit worked on the security for the base.

"In singling out Marine Paul Warren, this accolade rightly describes a man who volunteered and acted as point man for every patrol which his section undertook in Sangin; in my eyes these men, 'on point', are the bravest of the brave.

"To Paul Warren, this was a matter of duty. Being the experienced man, who had patrolled Sangin before, he saw fit that it would be he, and only he, who would lead his section on patrol in Sangin; in volunteering for this he knew only too well the risks that were associated."

I... I'm overwhelmed completely by sadness at the moment, and I don't know how to deal with it. I want so desperately to go and hug Neil. I can't imagine anything ever happening to Michaela or Jennie. I feel this sadness for someone I barely knew. The pain and heartbreak that Neil must face everyday... and he doesn't mention it at all. Not to me at least.

I'm still not making any sense. I wish I... Aaarrrggghhhh. I don't know what to say. I used to be pretty good at getting what I was thinking out into actual words. Now I've just become blocked and stuffed up and confused.

Paul Warren was a good man. Never to me, but he was. He was a soldier, and every single man or woman that goes out there to do their duty and serve their country is a hero. I wish I could think of some way to express how much gratitude I have for them. I wish I could think of some way to show myself, and Neil, and the world how much Paul will be thought of, and how much he will be missed.

Bit of a rant, but then some good news

I'm not sure if I've written about it, but I've been having trouble with my gas supplier. I have prepayment meters, and I was putting in £15 on a payday, and it was all gone within three or four days. It was ridiculous. So I contacted my supplier (NPower) about switching back to a normal meter. No. I have to have had a prepayment meter for a year before I can switch back. Right. So can I reduce the amount of arrears I'm paying maybe? No. I'm already paying the minimum.

So, I applied to a different company (Eon) to switch over. It was going to take 6 weeks or so, and in the meantime I refused to keep paying NPower ridiculous amounts of money. So I moved my mattress into the living room, where I have a small electric heater. This was in early November. I did washing up by boiling the kettle six times. I used a kettle of water to have stand up washes in front of the electric heater. I cooked with the microwave. It wasn't ideal, but it worked. Occasionally I'd put a tenner on the gas to do some laundry, and have a bath. The meter would take two thirds of whatever I put on for the debt, and give me one third for actual gas.

Over Christmas I was informed that my switch over was blocked because I owed NPower money. So I called them, and they said I needed to give them permission to sell my debt to Eon. I did that, and then called Eon to sort it out. They had to restart the whole process, so it was going to take another six weeks. End of January I get another letter telling me the switch over has been blocked again.

Soooo, I call NPower. The debt I have with them can be transferred, but I can't switch over as long as there is a debt ON the meter. Which, considering I haven't been using the damn thing, there is. To clear that debt I needed to put the full amount on, PLUS another third, because it always leaves me with a third of whatever I put on for gas. I asked the man on the phone how much I'd need to put on for standing charges and debt recovery, without using any gas. £7 a week. Oh, and did I mention that I get penalised for putting money on fortnightly instead of weekly? Oh yeah. How stupid is that. I get paid fortnightly, but their machines work weekly so they want me to top up weekly. Idiots.

After I'd burst into tears and hung up on the guy, I called Eon. Maybe they could switch me over instantly once I'd cleared the meter, so I wouldn't have to rack up more debt. They were very very nice. The guy said that if I called back once I cleared it, he'd activate the switch over for me right there, instead of sending it into a queue. It'd take three weeks instead of six. I asked him about their standing charges. They don't have one! NPower charge me £4 a week for the priviledge of being their sodding customer! Evil sods.

The situation was this: to start the switch over, I had to put £60 on the gas meter. This is way more than half of what I get a fortnight, but it needed to be done. So payday comes around, and I get £60 on the gas card, and a little bit of money on the electric (because I wouldn't need to use the heater so I wouldn't need as much), and spend the rest on groceries. £60. To cover the debt, plus the third which was the £14 I'd need to cover standing charges and debt recovery until my next payday, which left me with £5ish of actual gas.

I get home, put the card in the meter and it doesn't do anything. It beeps. It recognised the card's existence, and then did nothing. I called NPower, and they sent out an engineer, who informs me that my card has been corrupted. I call NPower back... they want me to go across town to a shop I can't afford to get to in order to get a replacement card. As for the £60? They're going to send me an SAE, I send them back the card, once they receive it they'll process it, they'll write me a cheque and send it to me, and once I receive it I can pay it into the bank and once it clears I'll have my £60 to put on the damn gas meter. That's gonna take 3 weeks... minimum. In which time I'll rack up at least another £15 quid in debt. And in the meantime I have no gas, barely any electric, and no freaking money.

NPOWER ARE EVIL!!! A friend of mine lives in the bottom half of a house with her husband and their cat. They both work all day so they're out of the house most of the time, and NPower are charging them £60 a month for gas. That's about £10 less than another friend pays for their five-bedroom house. NPOWER ARE EVIL!!!!

As you can see, I'm a little bit frustrated by all this. I'd been hoping to have switched over to Eon by the new year. We're going into March in two days and I still have no gas. By the time the switch over is done, I won't even need any sodding heat. I'm incredibly angry with NPower, and just generally frustrated and cheesed off with the whole situation. It's like a huge weight on my shoulders. Generally my money situation isn't too bad. I'm broke, but I'm paying off my debts and I'm getting things sorted, but this gas thing really isn't helping.

But... and here's the good news... I realised something today. My life isn't that bad. I'm stressed about NPower, but aside from that, things are pretty good. I don't have a job, but I like my life. It'd be nice to have extra money from a job, but I manage, and I don't think I'd cope with the responsibility of working. I like having the freedom to do what I want. I love my flat, and I love all my stuff, and I love my cat, and my friends. One friend in particular who's really been here for me a lot recently. Neil is really trying to communicate better, and I love waking up to messages like "hey boobalicious" and "you're gorgeous when you smile." My depression is being managed well. I've had a few funky days - where I just haven't had the oomph to do anything - but I'm good. I'm doing housework! My whole house is nice and tidy and clean. I'm even keeping it clean, instead of my usual trick of cleaning once a year. I'm getting out and about. Not socialising really, but I'm leaving the house, which is a start.

I have my issues, but who doesn't? Life is good. And it's good to realise that.

Also, NPower is evil.

FAO Peter

I had an email with a comment from a guy called Peter. Apparently he wants to use some information from my site.

Blogger flagged this comment as spam and has deleted it, so Peter, if you're reading and still want to use some information, please comment again - but don't submit it as Anonymous.

Project 200 - 20/180, 21/179

Here it is. Number 20...



Which, in a project with 200 parts, means I've reached...



I also did number 21...



21 down
179 to go

A post that's not about Project 200

Hey there Internet peoples. I haven't done much blogging recently that hasn't just been posting my FOs. I guess I've been trying not to think too much about the things that are bothing me. And when I blog, no matter how positive I try to be, I end up on the bad things. Let's just brush that aside right now and say that I miss Neil so much my heart is constantly aching. Also, that I'm utterly broke, and still have no gas.

Right, on to better stuff.

I'm settling into a better routine now. I've actually been getting up in the morning, and leaving the bed, and going back to it at nightime. Like normal people. I've even been doing some housework. In fact, aside from the kitchen, my place looks pretty good. Tidy, organised, hoovered. And I'm doing well at keeping it that way too. I just need to tackle the kitchen next, which will be easier when I have some hot water later today. And a bath! My god, I am so looking forward to having a bath. I may just stay in there all week.

I'm getting lots of crafting done. I know I said I wasn't going to mention it, but I've just finished projects 20 and 21 of Project 200, and that pushes me past the 10% barrier. I'm on a roll. I've even done two projects that weren't part of Project 200. In between the crafting and the housework, I've been ignoring the math workbook I started, and all the writing exercises I want to do. But I'm keeping myself busy.

I'm even exercising. Lol. How many of you fell over reading that?

I want a dog. While I was at Mum's over Christmas, two of her friends got puppies. And I decided that I'm sick of being told I shouldn't get a dog. Everyone says I wouldn't be able to look after it, and I wouldn't take it out. Believe it or not, I am aware that dogs need taking for walks and can't use litter trays and need feeding. I may not be very good at taking care of myself, but I'm actually pretty good at taking care of other people. So I decided to screw everyone else, and that I'm getting a dog, damnit.

I have considered Smudge. Over Christmas she wasn't exactly friendly with Mum's dog Gracie, but they managed. And they'd have settled eventually. When I introduced the neighbour's puppy to her, she wasn't too bothered. The conclusion being that as long as I get a puppy, or a dog that's smaller than her, Smudge will be fine. It'll take a long time, but I've done the reading and I know what I need to do to introduce them and acclimatise them together. I'm making plans to start buying cans of dog food when I have money, so I can get a stock together for my future puppy.

And then there's the Puppy Plan. A dog will need taking out first thing in the morning to go potty, and last thing at night, and about an hour after dinner. It will also need a decent length walk during the day for exercise. I am the first to admit that I don't go out that much. I don't go out at all, actually. And the Puppy Plan is to correct that...

Starting this monday just gone, I'm walking round the block last thing at night.

Starting next monday, I'll be walking around the block first thing in the morning too.

The week after I'll start getting up a little earlier (at the moment I'm getting up before 11.)

The week after that I'm gonna lengthen the nighttime walk.

The week after that I'll be adding a round the block walk an hour after dinner.

The week after that I'll extend the morning walk.

And the week after that I plan to start getting up before 9.30 (I'm not sure a puppy could hold it in til 11), and extending the morning walk to puppy exercise length.

That's the Puppy Plan. And although it's only three days old, so far it's going well. Back when I wanted kids, the fact that I wouldn't be able to conceive unless I lost weight wasn't enough of an incentive. But this is really getting me motivated.

I've ALWAYS wanted a dog. I'm a dog person. I've just only ever had cats because they were convenient at the time. Lol. It'll be difficult to get a dog. Shelters won't let me rehome a dog, because I don't have a garden. And I'll have to save lots of money to buy one, so it'll be a while yet. Plenty of time to collect dog food, and a collar, and a leash, and bowls, and a bed, and dog treats (and cat treats too, for placating and soothing). Plenty of time to get into the habit of walking more. And even without a dog, the exercise isn't going to hurt me, is it?

Generally things are okay. I'm not happy happy all the time, but I'm reasonably content. The only thing missing is Neil. :( But I'm not getting into that.

I'll try and blog actual text more often :P

Project 200 - 19/181

Some warm and toasty wristwarmers.



19 down
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Project 200 - 18/182

My first ever attempt at intarsia. My tension needs tonnes and tonnes of work, but it still looks pretty good.



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Project 200 - 17/183

A nice little cloth. Decorative, because I didn't use appropriate yarn. But I'm using it for a project on that Hogwarts school thing on Ravelry I mentioned. I needed to do something that represented fire, and I thing the pattern up the middle of this looks like flames. I used this yarn because it's firey-ish, but it does mean you can't use it as a cloth.



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Project 200 - 16/194

Here's another one. A nice little St Patrick's day thing. Only a month early.



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Project 200 - 15/185

Have a picture of a really ugly hat :P




And a picture of a really ugly girl wearing the ugly hat. The waves weren't quite right, but I still like it :-)

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Project 200 - 14/186

And another one. I designed this a long time ago, just doodling around on some squared paper. I never got around to actually stitching it though. But here it is :-)



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I really need to get a wiggle on. The monthly average is 16, and I haven't reached that figure yet, even though we're halfway through the second month already. I should be on 24 by now.

Photo Missions - O, round, orange

The observant of you will notice that I've managed to miss the last three weeks of Photo Missions. While I was up at mum's, I was definitely up during the day time. Since I got home, my sleeping pattern has come back to being eratic, so it's been difficult to be awake long enough during the day time to take any pictures. But here they are. Starting off with O...


Oreo

Oreos

Organza ribbon

Ornament

Other ornaments

Orange button

Orange peel

Orange marbles

OJ

Orange

And here is the next week. Round...












And the week that's just finished... orange.












There ya go. Thirty decent-ish pictures. Hopefully next week's will be on time.

Project 200 - 13/187

Here we go. A nice granny mandala in lots of pretty colours :-)



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Project 200 - 12/188

Here's another one. First cross stitch piece I think.

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