A small detour

I had planned today to blog about my 51st new thing, and about getting home from America, and a round up of my trip out there and of 2009, and about my plans for 2010. And I am going to do those blogs, but first I'm going to rant a little bit. I'm going to do this because I feel utterly lousy and because this blog is my journal, as public as it is, and this is where I rant about feeling lousy.

I arrived back at my home in Stoke yesterday. After being stuck in a car for three hours with a man I can't stand. A family friend who drives me completely insane. Absolutely everything about this man annoys me and irritates me. I hate him, with a fierce passion. Years ago I sent him a nice long letter telling him exactly what I thought of him - in no uncertain times. A few days after I sent him this letter he showed up at my door and told me that he knew I was having trouble with my depression and that he knew I didn't mean it and that he forgave me. I never asked for his sodding forgiveness, and I meant every single word. He didn't listen. So since then I've been using him. He brings my sister up to see me, and he takes me down to see my family on occasion. As soon as my mum decides that my sister is old enough to get the train on her own, I'm going to write another letter to this man, one that begins with the words "This is not my depression talking."

On the way back to Stoke, I was texting Neil to arrange him arriving at the same time. I'd been counting down the days til I could see him for months. I've missed him like crazy. But he got ill, and didn't come down yesterday. And he's not down today. So the day that I had planned to fall asleep in my boyfriend's arms and sleep soundly and safe, I spent being annoyed by that family friend and being curled up alone in my bed crying.

On top of that, there has been an issue with my baby sister and my mum. I won't get into it, but it's a longterm issue my sister has been having, and my mum has been having trouble coping. And I can't do anything to help. I feel utterly helpless and terrified and there's nothing I can do except sit here and cry.

Today I have my usual headache, and I'm sat on my bed looking out at all the bags of stuff I need to unpack and sort out. And I don't want to unpack. I want to pack up everything else in my room and leave. Before I left for America I wrote a blog or two about things I hated about living in shared accommodation. That still stands. I came home yesterday and the house is a complete mess. The bathroom has no working toilet seat, there are old manky magazines spread across the place, the bath has a fine crispy layer on it, the shower is leaking into my housemates bedroom downstairs. The kitchen is also a mess. I'm not exactly a house-proud person but it makes me wince. Some of my plates and mugs are on the draining board. I know full well that I put them away in my cupboard before I left, so someone has been going through my things. I also have a suspicion that someone has been sleeping in my bed. There was a pillow that isn't mine on there, and someone had put a sheet over the quilt I usually sleep on. The whole house just doesn't feel like mine anymore. I feel vaguely comfortable in my room, but as soon as I leave it I feel awkward and icky.

My plan for the next few years was to graduate, then move to Preston to be with Neil. Now that I'm not at university I've been thinking about that move a lot more. Neil is not ready to move in with me, nowhere near. But he's happy for me to move to Preston. I had the idea of using my last student loan that I get in a couple of weeks to move to Preston. It seemed like a little rushed, so I decided that I'd save, and once I'd saved enough for a deposit, and a few months rent, and a moving van and things, I'd move to Preston then. In the second half of the year. And then I came home yesterday and felt like I wanted to move in two weeks again. Jen and Michael were insistent that it was a bad idea. It probably is. It's the reverse culture shock we were warned about, it's my depression, it's a lot of things. I need to stay here and get reacquainted with my life before I start moving it, I know that. But I'm not going to buy the bed I'd planned to buy, I'm going to put that money in savings. And I'm going to use a huge chunk of the loan to kick off my moving fund. I'm looking at Neil's local papers to see what's available, and I'm going to see if I can register with some housing associations (they'll have long waiting lists anyway). My current plan is to move around April/May time. I'll keep you posted I guess.

I have stuff to do today, but I feel generally like crap and what I would really like to do is go to sleep until my Neil comes and kisses me to wake me up like Sleeping Beauty.