I wanna go home

I've had enough of America. I wanna go home. And at this particular moment in time I wanna skip Christmas, which is pretty unusual for me. I wanna skip Christmas and the week in Basingstoke. I want all this waiting to be over and I want to be with Neil. I miss him. I've missed him like crazy while I've been away and I'm pretty sure I never ever want to be so far away from him ever again.

I'm tired and I can't sleep. I haven't been sleeping properly for months. I'm hungry but have no food in, and the cafeteria isn't serving proper food yet. My ankle hurts - all the sodding time. My head hurts, I have a sore throat and a bad back. I'm homesick. I miss my bedroom and my stuff and my bed and I miss Stoke and all the places I know and recognise. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life, I have no idea what my plans are. I assigned myself the task to write a Mission Statement for my New Thing and I can't get three words in because I have absolutely NO FUCKING IDEA what I want. I'm worried about everything. I'm worried about losing Neil, and I'm worried about not being able to handle Christmas, and I'm worried I'm going to spend the rest of my life not knowing what I want and wasting it. I'm worried about a friend who seems to be changing a lot in too many different ways and I'm worried....

I'm worried about everything! And now I'm crying and I'm not sure I'm going to be able to stop for a few hours.

Neil is my boyfriend and I love him. I can't wait to see him because I haven't seen him in four months. And although we've been joking about constant touching and sex and not being able to let go of each other, the thing I want most is for him to hold me. When he holds me I don't worry so much. The only time I ever have nightmare-less sleep is when I'm with him. I know full well that as soon as he holds me a million tons of stress and worry will lift up off my shoulders and float away. It'll come back, but while I'm with him I'll feel a million times better.

Argh, I'm a mess. I'm gonna go cry myself to sleep for a few hours.