it went away, but now it's back

When I woke up today, I was fine. Ish. All day I've been fine. I ate some ice cream, I sat in the coolish breeze outside and read the book I needed to read for tomorrow. Despite the fact that it was extremely depressing (it's about a big factory fire in New York City that killed 146 people because of the bosses ignorance and stupidity) I didn't get depressed. I was fine. I sat in the TV lounge and spoke quite happily to people who came in to say hi. I even turned down a movie date upstairs so I could sit and write the one page paper I have due tomorrow. I didn't even get stressed and panicky about the stupid oral part of the assignment which is terrifying me. (I HATE STANDING IN FRONT OF THE CLASS AND SPEAKING). I didn't mind when I had a vaguely nasty comment left on my door, I think I know who it was, and I don't particularly like her either. If we weren't all in the same hall, I wouldn't even look at her. I was okay. I was reasonably confident. All was going well.

I even wrote the first half of the paper, the bit about the whole book. Nice and quick, nice and easy. Done, dusted. On to the documents.

The book is an introductary essay and then a series of historical/firsthand documents about the fire. I have to write about two of them. I wanted to start with the one by Rose Cohen, because I remembered reading her story in our main textbook which we were supposed to refer to. Gives me a good place to start.

Except....

I checked the main textbook, and it isn't Rose Cohen. It's Rahal Golub. Their stories are very similar (like ridiculously similar) - both girls watch their father turn down the fruit at breakfast to save money and then do the same to support him. I was gonna link the two but now I'm stuck. If I write that they're the same person, but with a different name in one, and they aren't actually the same person, I look like a moron. If I write that there are two people who's stories are almost identical, and they're actually the same person, then I look like a moron.

And now I'm stuck! Complete mindblock. I can't do the other document I had planned because it links to Rose Cohen's. I can't choose another two documents because I was so focused on the ones I had picked that I can't think about anything else.

And now I'm sat here fidgeting and not able to concentrate and have no idea what to write. I was already antsy about tomorrow because of the stupid oral part, now I'm completely screwed and want to go hide under the bed. And come out some time next month. I can feel the edginess sucking me back in and don't have a clue what to do about it.

Actually I do, my Cognitive Behavioural Therapist told me to think of what calms me down and makes me feel better, and to do that when I get edgy. For instance, some people like to go for a swift walk. I like to work on whatever stitchwork project I'm enjoying at the time. I have my new crochet project sat right next to the laptop, and I could reach for that, and it'd make me feel better.... for a while. Then I'd get depressed because I'd feel guilty about not working on my stupid paper!!