For those who are interested...

...and you have no idea how relieved it makes me that some people do appear to care, here is an update on the depression/episode/paper situation.

I finished the paper last night. It wasn't the best piece of work that I've ever done, but I finished it. I didn't make it to the lecture though. I couldn't fall asleep until half three, and then I was tossing and turning and waking up every half an hour all night. I slept pretty much until half past five. And I actually felt a little better for letting my body sleep.

But I've been kind of off-the-planet. I'm reminding myself of Neil when he's depressed. I keep zoning out, finding myself staring into space. I'm not sure if this is better or worse than hysterical crying and a deep-soul-sucking abyss of misery.

I kinda hate myself right now, though. I know I'm screwing up this big opportunity. I was so scared that I'd ruined it when I flunked history last semester, and I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to come here. Now that I am here I'm screwing it up again. I can see it happening, I KNOW it's happening, but when it happens I can't stop it.

I just emailed a counseler at the health service. Asked if someone could possibly talk to me through the internet, as I have trouble making and keeping appointments that I need to do. If they can't, well I'll deal with that when it comes to it.

I'm going to see my academic advisor too. She's the lecturer for my monday class, and I plan on staying behind to speak to her next week. That way, if I keep missing classes at least someone will know why. Maybe she, or a counselor, can help me speak to my other lecturers.

In the meantime I am doing the work. I had that paper done on time (I'm going to email it in now) even if I didn't make it to the class. I'm keeping on top of the reading, and I am going to start the paper I have due on Monday in a minute.

I've just seem Aimee walk past my window. She's my RA. Maybe I could speak to her. I dunno. I'm not sure if talking to a friend is better or worse than speaking to a counselor. It's her job, though. To be there for us to talk to if we have problems.

I don't know. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to pull myself out of this. I'm so scared I'm gonna screw this up, but I don't know how to stop it.