More sabotage

A while ago I wrote about sabotaging myself. I think I'm doing it again.

Today I woke up late. When my alarm clock went off I hit it and went back to sleep. When I finally woke up I went to the bathroom to get ready and promptly burst into tears. For hours.

Cue episode. I ended up rooting through my things to see if there was anything I could use to self-harm with. I didn't cut, even though I wanted to, but I've been feeling lousy all day. I've been over to the spaceship (that's the Brooks Student Center for the uninitiated) and got a load of food (not all unhealthy stuff either) at one point, then came home and promptly got back into my pajamas and went back to bed.

I've been laying in my bed just surfing and watching Hulu all day. And I feel like crap. I had horrible nightmares all night, though I can't remember any now, I'm screwing up this big opportunity (again!!), I'm wasting all the time and support I've been given from people who are helping me, I'm just generally a great big fucking screw up.

I snapped out of it about half an hour ago, and sat up at my desk to do some work, except now I feel worse. I keep going to do something, and find myself staring into space, or fidgeting and doing something else, then fidgeting and doing something else. I can't concentrate on anything. All I want to do right now is cash in my return flight and go home. I know it won't be any better at home; it'd probably be worse, but I'd be home with the people I care about. Neil could hold me and I'd feel safe again.

I'm such a waste here. Someone else could be using this place at USM. So far I've had 15 timetabled classes. I've missed 8 of them. I've screwed up the attendance AGAIN!! The first time was legitimate. I got lost, and couldn't make it on time. Then I missed last Thursday because I overslept - except that I didn't. I woke up, turned the alarm clock off and decided I didn't have the oomph to go.

Yesterday I had to wake up ridiculously early to go get my contraceptive injection, because I missed the appointment on Thursday. I was meant to have a lecture at 4pm yesterday. I knew that if I came home I'd fall asleep so I spent the interim hours in the library and then in the cafeteria. I almost fell asleep in the cafeteria. I decided (with a little help from some fish) not to go to class. Then I lied to my professor, and to Neil. This morning I woke up and had the whole crying fit.

I don't think there has been a single school or college or university term since I was 13 that I've had a decent attendance. I WANT to learn. I'm enjoying these classes. I WANT my degree. But sometimes I just can't. I know I'm cocking it up. Believe me, I'm terrified that I'm gonna end up in the same mess I was in with History last semester. I nearly blew my chance to fulfil a dream because of my stupid attendance and my stupid self-sabotage. Now I'm here, I'm living this dream, and I'm blowing it. I'm blowing it and there's nothing I can do about it.

I feel like my body has been taken over. My brain is screaming at me to get off my ass and to go to classes and to learn my lessons from last time. And I can't do it. I feel trapped and I don't know what to do.

I'm kinda dreading my roommate coming home. My episodes have never been particularly private. I'll text people and get someone to talk to. And I've had episodes in front of Neil and Jen. But I've never shared a room with soemone and had them come home while I was in the middle of an episode before. I'm trying so hard not to cry at the moment that I have that painful knot in my throat. I don't want her to come home and see me crying.

I don't know what to do. I want to work, I want to concentrate on my readings and catching up. It's not like I don't have lots of work to be doing. But chances are I'm going to post this to the interwebs, pray that no one reads it, pray that someone does, and go back to randomly surfing the internet or staring at nothing in space.