Writer's Inklings

I am a writer. I call myself a writer. I have the word 'Wordsmith' tattooed on my back in honour of my writing. Although, recently I've been feeling a little like a fraud. I have writing published. Many poems in anthologies, I've even been paid for one published in a small magazine (although it cost me more than I was paid to buy a copy, but that's not the point). I've had a short story printed too. I wrote (a very bad!) novel as a teenager, which I try to pretend I had nothing to do with now. And a few years ago I started a proper novel, which started really well and I was insanely proud of. I used to be a member of a writing society at Hanley Library, and did writing exercises regularly. Did some courses online, just little free things.

In the past few years though, I've had major writer's block. I don't think I've written any poems in years, or any short stories. I've tried to occasionally, but nothing happens. If I write anything at all it's stunted and horrible. Every so often I'll be reminded of my novel and the guilt will be incredible. I'll get it out, read through it, attempt to write a bit, but will be so appalled at how rubbish it is I'll throw it away and ignore it.

So, in the last few months I've felt less like a wordsmith and more like a fraud. I look at my half-finished stories, I look at all the story ideas I have, I look at the HUGE folder of writing exercises I've collected over the years, I look at the folder with all the research and drafts of my novel in, and my heart breaks. It's been horrible. I look at the books with my published work in, I look back at the folder with my novel in, and a guilt I rarely feel floods over me. I hate it.

I love to type. I'm quite fast at it, although I only use one or two fingers. I love the feel of the keyboard beneath my fingertips. I love seeing the words appear on a page in front of me. Sometimes I go through typing phases, and because I just want to type without thinking, I'll grab something and just copy it. When I'm on a roll, and doing a piece of work, it's even more exciting seeing my thoughts and intelligence appear on the screen. Although educational rolls rarely happen. There's too much stopping to think, research, double check, etc.

A few weeks ago I found a notebook with the start of a story in, and character profiles and things. It's a story about a vampire, based on a semi-personal experience, and something I've been meaning to write up for years. I decided to put it on computer, because as much as I love the feel of a pen in my hand and the ink spreading onto the paper that's smooth under my hand (ooo, remind me to post my poem Pen), I work a lot quicker on computer. As I was typing up that story start, I started to get inklings again. Writer's inklings. Those little sparks of ideas in your head. The beginnings of the moment when the writer fades and the characters take over and suddenly you have no choice anymore. I wanted to keep writing. I started to approach the end of my notes and my heart was telling me to keep writing. My head was throwing me memories, and ideas and I was all set to keep typing, and then my written notes ran out and...

...my hands froze. Nothing. Nothing came out. I wanted to write. I wanted so badly to work on the story. The story in question, like I said, is based partly on personal experience. A large part of the story is something I dreamed. I knew exactly what was supposed to happen next. I know the entire story back to front and inside out and round and round in my head, but I couldn't write a single word of it.

Very frustrating.

And I've noticed that I've been writing more and more lengthy, rambling blog entries recently. Add to that the fact that I had a dream the other day about the main characters of my unfinished novel - they were in an alter, preying to their creator to save them and to not let them fade away, then they were all burnt to death in a roaring blaze. Issues much?

I think something is telling me to write again. And although I still have that horrible, aggravating, frustrating writer's block, I know how to work on that. In the past, when I've had mild block, I've grabbed an exercise or two from my folder and written something triggered by that, and then I've been fine.

So I have a plan! And a new label for the blog. Every other day, I'm going to attempt a writing exercise from my folder. I'll do it on the blog, so the whole world can see how stunted and appalling my writing is right now, and so that you can (hopefully) see me improve. I'll let you know how the writer's block goes.