Episode

My week started off well. My baby sister came up for a visit for a few days. It was fun, on Tuesday we went to Blackpool. However, throughout the week I continued to converse with SN who was sweet and flattering and made me feel great. Also during the week, N continued to be seriously distant and completely lacking from my life.

I started to realise that I was coming up with excuses to break up with N, in the hopes of something happening with SN. I love N, but when he's distant and all but ignoring me, and someone else is telling me how much they want me, it makes it difficult to be a faithful girlfriend. I realised that even if it didn't work out with SN, I probably shouldn't be going out with N if I felt that way. So on Thursday I broke up with him.

Today, Saturday, SN was supposed to come visit. At first I assumed he meant daytime, because he'd never said any different. Then it turns out his shop opened today, so he was going to come down after work. Not a problem. I can handle that. Then I texted him a coupla times during the day. No answer. I waited and waited. He was gonna get in touch and tell me when he'd be arriving. Nothing. I checked my delivery reports. He had his phone switched off. Ah. OK, well the battery could have died, or he could have left it at home. So I waited. GKL came round to do my make up and help me beautify myself. And I waited. 7 o'clock came, and I started to get antsy. If his shop shut at 5 like he said, two hours was more than enough to get home and switch phone on. I tried texting again. Nothing.

By 9 o'clock I'd given up. At half nine he messaged me on Facebook. Apparently he'd gotten delayed waiting for his boss. He said he messaged me on MSN to let me know, but I never received it.

Cue crying, panic and stress. He's spent all week telling me he's not like the other blokes, and that he actually did want me, and that he wouldn't let me down, and then this. He does a disappearing act just like all the others. Maybe he really was delayed, I don't know. But whether he was or not, I'm still sat here feeling horrible.

It doesn't help that GKL was... less than supportive. I mentioned, in my depressive state, crawling back to N and she was snappy with me.

Speaking of N, he never replied to the message I sent him Thursday. I don't even know if he's read it. And after being let down by SN, I can't help thinking about how maybe it was a mistake. If I hadn't started talking to SN, I would have waited for N to get over his episode. Maybe he would have gotten better and things would have been ok. GKL is going to have a fit reading this, but I don't really care.

Right now all I care about is the fact that I'm upset and alone, just like people have been promising me I wouldn't be. I admit that one of my main reasons for going back to N all the time was fear of being alone. And one of the big things that persuaded me to dump him was SN and GKL promising me that I wouldn't be alone. But it's Saturday night, I'm sat on my bed crying so hard I'm choking, and doing stupid things to myself, and I have no one to turn to. I can't talk to N, because I dumped him. I can't talk to GKL, because she's given up understanding why I get upset over N. I can't talk to SN because he apparently doesn't wanna talk to me - given that he still hasn't switched his phone on, and that he isn't on MSN for the first time since I met him.

All I can do is blog. So I'm blogging. But it's not helping. I miss N. When I have episodes all I want is for him to hold me. And that won't happen anymore, because I pushed him away. For over a year now, the biggest regret of my life has been that I let him walk out the first night we had a disagreement. Now I've done it again, and I can't believe how much I regret it. Maybe it's just because I'm episoding. But, if he's the one my head and heart turn to whenever I'm upset, isn't that a sign.

I have an idea. And I think I'm going to go through with it. I know fully well that I'll likely end up regretting it. And if I tell GKL she'll bloody kill me, but I'm going to do it anyway. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.