Torn

I have a dilemma. Actually, I have many dilemmas. (What's the plural for dilemma?) Anyway, the first dilemma is about whether or not to write about my dilemmas on here. This blog has become my diary. I write on her when I want to share something, or offload something. But I'm very aware that 'blog' means 'weblog' which means that anyone can be reading this. In some ways, I kind of like it. I like that anyone can over advice and comfort, like Anonymous did on my last entry. However, this dilemma is actually about people who may or may not read the blog. If they do, there might be repercussions. But I really want to get this off my chest. So, if either my boyfriend or the new friend I met this week (you know who you are, Noodle boy) is reading this.. well, you can keep reading it. Just be kind.

Hmmm, guess who my dilemma is about.

I love N. I love him with all my heart and that love hasn't changed even after a year and a half of pretty turbulent relations. I stayed in love with him while we were broken up, I stayed in love with him for the six weeks before we broke up last summer when he didn't seem to give a crap about me. I was still in love with him when he admitted his love for me in December, I was still in love with him when he messed me around over New Year, and I'm still in love with him even though he's distant at the moment.

When we're together, everything is great and wonderful and I wouldn't change a thing. When we're apart, I find it hard to cope sometimes, especially when he goes through a distant phase. At the moment he's ill. It's not just him being distant, it's him having an episode and waiting for the antidepressants his doctor put him on to kick in. He knows I'm here for him, he knows all I ask is that he let me know he's alive every day. Occasionally we have a text discussion, but he's still pretty distant.

On the other hand... I'm a member of various networking websites. Some innocuous ones like Plenty of Fish (which is where I met N actually), and some not so innocuous ones like Adult Friend Finder. I'm also on a site called Informed Consent and one called Collar Me. Both are for the kinkier type of person. Even though I'm in a relationship, I stay on these sites and I check my messages regularly. It's always good to make new friends, and given the on/off nature of mine and N's relationship, I might need a date one day.

Now, the other day I received a message from a guy on Collar Me. To be honest, the message was pretty standard. Nothing rude, but I receive about fifteen like it a week, on all sites. If he hadn't included a picture, and if he didn't have a really funky username, I probably wouldn't have messaged back. But I'm very glad I did. We had a brief conversation through Collar Me, then switched to MSN and we talked from 3ish in the morning to gone 8am. Then the next evening we texted all night, and again tonight. He's... he's lovely. We have a lot in common, he's intriguing, there's definitely a spark there. He's gorgeous too, which doesn't hurt things. Gorgeous, tall, skinny, geeky. Just my type. And he appears to like me too, which is always a plus.

If I didn't have a boyfriend I'd already be making plans to meet him. But, I do have a boyfriend. If N were in a good mood, like he was a few weeks ago, there wouldn't be a problem. I'd have replied to SN (that's the new guy), informed him I had a boyfriend and we'd just be friends. But N is not Jekyll, he's Hyde. Not quite. If he was Hyde, I'd give him an ultimatum. Tell him to buck up his ideas or lose me. But he's not Hyde. He's ill. I know what it's like to be rejected because of my depression. I refuse to abandon someone because of theirs.

I love N, and that hasn't changed. But.. Argh! This is hard. I don't know how to explain everything that is going on in my head. I love N. He makes me feel safe, and secure and beautiful and wonderful. But he is not a big communicator. When we're apart, and I'm down I can't just ask him to pay me a compliment. He needs to be in a good mood. And that's just who he is. SN on the other hand, appears to have compliments and flattery and chivalry and communication to the point where he's overflowing with it. (Proof: he's in a poly relationship, but more about that later.) Like I said, if Jekyll were in residence there wouldn't be an issue. But at the moment my boyfriend is Hyde-ish and it's a lot harder to cope with that when there's someone who wants me and is ready and more than willing to tell me so.

I don't want to break up with N. I want him to come out of his depression, and be Jekyll again. But the longer Hyde is in residence, the more likely I am to give in to SN. If he lived in town, I'd probably have given in yesterday when I had a bout of melacholy and just wanted to be held. But he doesn't. Guess where he lives. Oh yeah, just to make it more complicated he lives in the same town as N.

I don't know what to do. Or how to feel. I'm wary. I'm always wary of guys I meet online. Ones I click with think I'm lovely, tell me I'm beautiful. Sometimes there is three days of incredible conversation, and then they vanish. Sometimes we meet up, and they see me full-length and decide I'm "not their type". Sometimes we have one great first date, then things go squiffy. I can reel off a whole list of names for each scenario. Once, with N, things went great. When we first met we texted non-stop for a week before we met. For months he was attentive and loving and communicative, like SN is being now. But N stopped doing that. What if I decide I've had enough of N and want to be with someone who wants me, but then SN vanishes in a few days? Or what if he meets me and decides I'm "not his type" (he's sworn he's not that shallow, that he likes large girls, but they all say that). What if he changes in three months and I'm left with another Jekyll and Hyde situation? SN has difficulties with depression and things too.

Urgh. At this precise moment in time, given the choice, I'd want N to walk in her and kiss me rather than SN. Maybe that's because I've known N longer, maybe it's because I love him completely, maybe I'm not ready to give up on him yet. I don't know. But I'm a little confused.

I'm going to keep talking to SN though. He makes me feel good. And at the moment I really need that. Besides, I doubt GKL would let me stop talking to him yet. He's willing to let her teach him how to knit.