The Idea, and the Outcome

OK, those of you who read me regularly (and at least two of you do, since you kindly posted, and I thank you very much for your advice) will know that on Saturday night I had a bit of a big episode. My rambling post ended with me having an idea. I admitted the idea was stupid, and I admitted that it would probably end badly. Before I tell you how it ended, let me tell you what it was.

I broke up with N on Thursday, but I still had his quite expensive book. So, under the (thinly veiled) guise of returning said book, I took a day trip to Leyland to see him.

Yes. Bad idea. No. I didn't tell GKL 'til I was well on the way there. No. She didn't take it well. No. I didn't give up. No. I didn't tell him I was going.

I was very, very scared the entire trip up there. I knew it was a bad idea. A stupid, stupid, stupid idea. But I was going anyway. I paid my train fare, and I got on that bloody train. And the next train, and the next one, ad nauseum. Train travelling on Sundays is not fun. I was terrified he'd refuse to see me, that he'd slam the door in my face. So, while I was at Crewe train station I wrote a letter, that I could post through the door with his book. In the letter I explained why I did the stupid, stupid thing.

Yes, it would have been cheaper to post the book, even though it was a heavy one. But showing up at his door would stop all the "What if I had..." worries in a few weeks time. My ideal outcome from the trip was for him to pull me into his arms and kiss and tell me it's all okay and that we can forget all about Thursday. I didn't think that could happen, but I hoped. Even if he told me to go away, or slammed the door in my face, or told me he didn't want to know... I'd go home crying, and probably have another episode when I got back to my room, but I'd have closure. I'd have had the chance to say goodbye I never got any of the other times we broke up. So I went.

Outside his house, his mum spotted me first since she was on her knees in the front garden. He obviously hadn't told her I'd dumped him cos she took me around to the back door and told me to go on in. I went and sat on his bed and waited for him to come out of the bathroom. He came and stood in the doorway and said I was completely daft. I nodded and started to cry a bit. He hugged me, briefly, and I handed him his book. Then, because I couldn't say it without crying, I handed him the letter to read. He read it, then laid down on the bed and pulled me down into a hug.

We stayed like that for just over an hour. Just laying on the bed, sometimes talking. Sometimes not. The subject of what I'd said on Thursday came up, and he said he didn't care. He hadn't really thought about it.

This bit is still kinda weird in my head, so I'm pretty sure it's not gonna make much sense here, but I'll try anyway. N, as I've said many times, has depression. Whereas my depression affects me by making me clingy and over-emotional, his affects him the opposite way. I've described him as on a different planet, but from sixty miles away, when he has his episodes the only image I get is him in a strop and not giving a shit. Seeing it in person was scary. He wasn't just on a different planet, he was in a different flipping universe. He had no energy, at all. He had switched his computer on, with no idea why. He had no enthusiasm to play his computer games (which, believe me, is a BIG deal). He couldn't read. All he's been eating is whatever is handed to him. He couldn't make decisions. He's been sleeping 16 hours a day, sometimes more. And when he wakes up he just lies there. My brain doesn't shut up, his brain wasn't doing anything. While I was there he kept staring into space for ten minutes at a time. Most scary was when he took his glasses off to rub his eyes, then five minutes later wondered why everything was blurry. He forgot he had to wear glasses. It was scary and weird.

Seeing him like that, it hurt. It hurt because I couldn't help him. I hate my depression. I hate how it makes me feel. And I hate his depression, because I can't make him better. On the other hand, seeing him like that made it feel more real to me. I understand it more. I don't know entirely WHY I understand it more, but I do. Like I said, without seeing it all I knew was him in a strop. Seeing it, it makes more sense.

This is the bit that people aren't going to like. I want him. I still want him. I love him and I want to go out with him. I'm not sure if we're back together or not. He said he didn't care about the text on Thursday, but he doesn't care about anything right now. I left his house semi-convinced I'd get a text from him telling me never to come back. When I didn't get a text right away, I figured maybe there was still a chance. Then, as I approached the station, I got a text from him. "Thank you." When I asked him what he was thanking me for, all he said was "shrug", but considering how he's been recently, that "Thank you" felt like he was telling me he loved me. I may be wrong, I usually am, but there's a chance there. And, like I said before, I'm not going away. At least until his funk is over. I'm dating Jekyll, I won't break up with Hyde. When Jekyll comes back, we'll sort things out then.

GKL says she isn't mad. Although I haven't discussed my decision with her. We last discussed the whole N situation via text when I was at Crewe and she discovered where I was going. She said she wasn't mad, she said she didn't care anymore. Something along the lines of having enough of hitting her head against a brick wall. I know why she's frustrated. I hate seeing her get hurt too, but, and I mean this in the nicest way, she doesn't understand. I don't understand her relationship with IMP, I don't get all her issues with her family, I don't understand her stress from work and car crashes and things. Because I haven't experienced it. I can sympathise, I can advise, I can offer her my love and support and tell her that I'll always be here for her, but I can't understand, because I haven't experienced it, and ultimately, what she does in her decision. She hasn't experienced my relationship with N. She hasn't experienced the high bits, or the low bits, or the mediocre bits, and can't understand. So all she can do is advise me, and always be here for me (which I sincerely hope she still is), and let me make my own mistakes.

Speaking of advice though, I had a thought while I was on the way home. I can't be the only person in the world who's dated a depressive. In fact, everyone I've ever dated has dated a depressive. Anyone who's ever dated GKL or N has dated a depressive. There are billions of depressives in the world, which means there are billions of people in the world who have dated depressives. And what with this wonderful world wide web being so vast and wonderful, somewhere online there must be a forum for people who date depressives. So I'm going to look for it. Support group, advice, something like that.

Thank you, to both Anonymouses, or maybe one Anonymous who posted twice, for your posts. I appreciate very much any feedback anyone wants to give, and I always appreciate advice, even if I don't listen to it. Keep commenting!