Busy busy busy

Things haven't really been busy since last time I blogged. More in a state of happy blissful slothage.

It was hectic up until Wednesday. I had my exam on Tuesday and an essay due Thursday. The exam wasn't too bad. I did the revision I wanted, though not as much as I wanted. The first question went very well, I was pleased with my answer. Although I had to leave blanks to fill in later because I'd picked a question on slavery and couldn't remember the word "abolitionist". The second question wasn't so good though. I mostly bluffed it. But I only need to get 40%, so it shouldn't be too bad. After the exam I spent the day in the library revising for the exam. I sat upstairs with a million deliciously musty smelling books and reading all about Radical Reconstruction and its motives. All kinds of fun. Took a zillion notes.

Tuesday night I started work on the essay. And got upset because Neil had been signed off work for two weeks and wouldn't come down to see me before I went away. So Jen and I went to Tesco on a desperate hunt for chocolate frosting. Well, I was searching for frosting. She was just after dinner.

Wednesday morning I worked more on the essay. I wasn't having a problem with the writing at all. Apparently if you do a lot of reading and research for an essay, the writing of it comes a lot easier. Who knew? Early Wednesday evening Neil shows up :D Yes, my handsome sweet wonderful Neil is here. He's staying until I live for Basingstoke on Tuesday. After a few hours of getting reacquainted, I finished the essay and curled up to go to sleep.

Thursday I went to Keele to print and hand in the essay, and came home to commence my long weekend of slothery. Jen has been around most evenings, she's having some trouble with her own fella, so we've been hanging out and knitting and watching movies and letting Neil be lovely and wonderful.

The two of them are getting on great, which is kinda what I planned. I asked him to text her, and her to text him, while I'm away. I don't want either of them to slip into hermithood, and they both need looking after. Neither of them can cope without me! Thursday he gave her a massage when her shoulder started aching. I trust them both completely and have no fears of anything happening between them (kind of) but I still sat there watching and wanting to kill them both. Lol. Like I said, I love them both, and there is no one in the world I trust more, but I'm a very possessive and clingy person, not to mention insecure and paranoid.

Things are good though. Now that the resit is out of the way, there are no obstacles between me and Maine. All the last minute little errands have been sorted, so all I have to do is wait. All of a sudden I have nothing to hide behind. It's weird. One minute I'm excited and bouncy and can't wait to get out there. The next I'm terrified and scared and anxious and don't wanna go.

I think my biggest fear is that everything is going so well at the moment. My relationship is pretty much perfect. There's only one way things could be any more perfect with Neil, and that isn't going to happen anytime soon I don't think, but I'll let you know if it does. My failed year is behind me, my visa troubles are over and my money situation is... almost sorted. And in a little under 8 days I get on a flight that will take me to America. I will finally be realising a dream that I've had forever.

And as excited as I am, I'm terrified about that. Something great is happening to me, and in my experience, when I'm happy and settled in life, something terrible happens. I trust Neil, I love him and I know he loves me too. And I KNOW, in the sensible part of my brain, that he will still love me and want me when I get back. But I'm still scared about losing him. I will always be scared about losing him. Even if we're married with three kids and happily living together, I will still be scared about losing him. It's just this deepset, natural, instinctual fear that runs through my veins and there's nothing I can do about it. The logical part of me just isn't strong enough to override it.

And I'm ridiculously lucky to have my Neil, who understands that, and will continue to support and reassure me and comfort me, even though I probably drive him crazy. He's lying next to me right now, napping and being cute. He makes little snuffly noises in his sleep. Yesterday Jen was sat on the bed knitting, and I was sat on the floor packing and N was curled up on the bed, lying horizontally, and he was sleeping and snuffling and making both me and Jen giggle. It was sweet.

He's been wonderful with Jen. He's been buying her food and drinks, and giving her back rubs and being generally supportive and lovely. He's ill, in the midst of one of his episodes and he's been signed off work, but he's still being sweet and lovely to me and my best friend. He's amazing. This man laying next to me right now is one of the most incredible people I've ever met and I don't know what I'd do, or where I'd be, without him.

Hmmm, I didn't mean for this to be a mushy blog post. Just wanted to update everyone on the situation. Ah well. :-)