Wounded!

Today has been weird. This morning I had an edgy attack. I woke up late and missed the first two sessions of orientation (although they were just tours) so I headed to the student center to meet the group for lunch. I was sat in the room reading when the others arrived and they got their lunch. Then, the people I'd been considering friends went and sat at a table far away from me. I nearly cried, then I sat there and sulked for a bit, before I came to my senses and snapped out of it. I stood up, got some food and went and joined their table instead. Simple.

I was a bit edgy for the next hour or so, but the afternoon in Old Port was fun. I walked off alone to do some shopping and enjoy the sun and had a good day. I brought some postcards for me, and to send home, and I brought a couple of christmas presents for people too. I went to Dunkin' Donuts and had a very large grape drink and some donut holes, and I sat by the wharf for a while. It was really nice being back by the sea, I've missed that seaside smell living in Stoke. Just before the coach left to return I picked up a sub for dinner, but when we got back to Gorham I ended up joining Holly, Geni, Johnny, Yab and Warren in the cafeteria and filling a small carrier bag with Cap'n Crunch. The stuff is yummy.

Anyway, instead of going to my room after dinner, I went along with Holly, Geni and Johnny to the gym. I willingly walked up a nice steep hill. I'm quite proud of all the exercise and things I've been doing. I haven't been overeating either. In the gym I sat by the wall and watched the three of them throw a basketball at the hoop in a vain attempt to sink it. I have to admit they did sink a few. After a while I decided to head off for a walk, but as I stood up I thought that maybe I'd have a go first. I sank the ball on my first shot, so kept playing. Just throwing and catching, letting the others do all the running.

I was having fun, enjoying myself, and feeling quite pleased with myself. Then the ball went just past me and I reached out to catch it. I just missed it so I followed it, jogging a little. Then everything went slow-motion. I knew what was going to happen, but I couldn't stop myself. I could feel my body leaning too far forward and couldn't stop it. While my arms were still reaching for the ball, I smacked into the ground. Boobs first, then my face. Legs bounced in the air, knees smacking against the floor. It was not fun.

The others asked if I was okay, and I sat up and said I'd stay on the ground for a bit. I felt ridiculous. I waited a minute, with my hand to my face, then made an exit. I've cut the middle of my top lip a few times with my teeth, my two front teeth hurt, my chest hurts, my knees hurt. My pride is a little wounded too, not that I had much to begin with.

The most significant impact was the miniature episode I had. I got back to my room and promptly burst into tears. Even when I was a skinny assed teenager, I was never very athletic (aside from riding my bike everywhere). Since I've put on the weight I've avoided exercise and since I did my ankle in I avoided it even more. Today, I made a decision to go out instead of hiding in my room (which in itself is a big acheivement for me when I'm edgy), I willingly exhausted myself walking up a short hill, and I joined in an active game. I joined in with other people, despite my fears and my edginess. I did some exercise. I was active and moving.

I was proud and enjoying myself, and pretty chuffed. Then I fall over and smack my face open. All I could think was that it was punishment for daring to join in. That I should have known better. I'm good at watching, I should stick to it and stop trying to expand my boundaries. I know, logically, that those thoughts were stupid, but I couldn't help feeling it. It's what my depression does to me.

I spoke to Neil for a bit, and I felt better after a little sobbing. But I still feel a little stupid. In situations like this I would quite happily hide in my room for a few days, or weeks, but I can't. Tomorrow we have a meeting about our visas which I can't miss. I don't want to stay in my room and hide, even though I kinda do at the same time.

I feel kinda weird. My lip still hurts, and my chest still aches, but it's not that. I feel silly, and I want to hide, but I don't want to at the same time. I don't want to let my depression and my fears ruin my experience here. I'll leave my room tomorrow and face the others, and I'll laugh it off and be self-deprecating like I usually am.

Note to self though - eating a sub with a split lip is not fun.