Not counselling

Today I had the counselling appointment that my GP referred me for after I asked him oh so long ago. I talked about going to see him in this post.

I don't normally go to counselling appointments. I have on many occasions been referred to counsellors and therapists and psychologists. I have a tendency to attend one appointment, come out feeling a million times worse and never going back. If I even go to the initial appointment. I am very very good at deciding I'm all well and don't actually need the therapy. But, my darling N threatened to stop taking his antidepressants if I didn't go. And that would be very very bad, so off I scuttled.

I set the alarm for ten, even though my appointment wasn't until one. When I woke up I got up, dressed and left the house in ten minutes (before I was even properly awake) because I knew that if I took time to think about it, I wouldn't go. I rode the buses around randomly for a few hours before finally heading in to the appointment.

The therapist looked like an old friend I don't particularly like very much, and while she went to find a free room I very nearly used that excuse to make a quick getaway. Any excuse will do when I'm avoiding things. But I didn't. I stayed. And I went into the session.

DB was lovely, despite her unfortunate similarities to the ex-friend. She didn't make me cry, which was the important thing. And, it turns out that I don't have to go back! Which would be horribly difficult for me to keep doing. Follow-up sessions are on the phone. Yay! Also, it's not counselling. It's cognitive behavioural therapy. It's not for rehashing everything that's a mess in my life. It's for changing the way I think to change the way I feel to change the things I do. Or something like that.

I had to fill in a few of those tests. How do you feel when this happens? How often do you feel like this? How often do you do that? Blah blah. And then DB gave me some booklets to read, and some worksheets to fill out. I even have homework :D

We're going to work on overcoming my fears and paranoias and panic attacks. Begin with getting off crowded buses instead of staying on past my stop 'til it empties and then getting another bus back. She says one of my goals will be to be able to go into a lecture late. So my current home is to get on and off buses. Lol.