My Rarely Seen Optimistic Side

I've kept journals and diaries in various forms for as long as I can remember. From a scruffy notebook written in code and kept in a secret hiding place so that stepmothers and stepbrothers could not find it, to this blog, my current modern version. Whenever I come across an old diary and read through it I'm struck by how depressing it all is. I seem to only ever write when I'm miserable. The impression you get of the men in my life is utterly appalling. All I seem to do is complain about them. And ok, things may not have turned out well with them, but they weren't all bad guys. And the past decades of my life have not been as bad as my diaries make them out to be. There has been a lot of good times. It's just that when things are good, I'm too busy enjoying them to write about them. And when things are bad, all I do is complain about them.

However, as I was laying in a cold bath this afternoon with Anita and Jean-Claude (the fact that I gave them names rather than initials should make it clear to you that these people are fictional characters) I realised that things aren't actually too bad at the moment. And as I lay in a hot bath just now, after an evening of chatting with my handsome N and after the hot water had kicked, I realised that things are actually pretty good. And that I should blog about it, so that the whole world knows that I'm not just a depressive whiner who complains about absolutely everything in her life, and makes mountains into molehills, and worries and stresses and panics about absolutely everything, including things she can do nothing about. I do actually enjoy my life on occasion.

As far as Maine goes, things are not quite settled. My police certificate has not yet arrived, I still have to do a resit exam (and write an essay apparently), I still have to face the Visa people. But these are problems that I'm working on. Literally. I am actually wanting to do history work for once. It isn't just I-need-to-or-I'll-get-shipped-home-from-Maine studying. I start to study and all of a sudden I'm interested in what's going on, and I want to know what happens next and I'm eager to keep going. I can't do anything about the police certificate, at least until the 10 working days are over, so I try to forget about it. I found a quote in one of the daily quote emails I get recently that I really like...

"If you can solve your problem, then what is the need of worrying? If you cannot solve it, then what is the use of worrying?" - Shantideva

Telling me to stop worrying is akin to telling a bird to stop flying. I can't do it. But I attempt to keep these words of wisdom at the forefront of my mind, and try to stay calm.

In other news, the hot horrible weather has gone away, if only temporarily. It has rained all day. It has been warm, but there has been a nice breeze. It's just my kind of weather. And I am completely and utterly happily all loved up with N.

He's back at work, even if it is boring the hell out of him. He's settled on his medication and things are going well. He seems to be happy. He is being open and honest and friendly with me. He tells me he loves me, and that he misses me, and that he wants me. We talk as often as we can, even while he's at work, which he needs to stop doing before he gets the sack. Today he was talking about me moving in with him. We both know it won't happen until I graduate, but we've been talking about it. I've known him for nearly 19 months, and we've been a couple for a lot of that time. We've been going out this time for nearly 5 months - probably the longest time without us breaking up. I feel like we have a future. I feel happy and safe and secure in our relationship. I'm not constantly afraid that things are going to end, or that he's going to leave me. I'm slightly nervous about being away from him 4 months, but I know he's going to miss me, and I know that he'll be waiting for me when I come home.

Plus, he brought me an ipod touch for my birthday present. How cool is that? And he doesn't want the money he gave me for my flight back. And today he sent me a wonderful text message. The type of message I like to keep and save and reread when I'm miserable and sad and lost. "I love you Colette. You silly sexy sublime sensual woman of mine." Can you see why he makes me so happy?