Heart or head?

Just over a year ago I met a guy we'll call N. He was perfect. We clicked instantly on the site we met on, and then by email, and then on MSN. Then we swapped numbers and spent a week texting almost constantly. Then we met in real life. Our first date was at Manchester Science Museum, the Doctor Who exhibit. We were perfect for each other. It was love at first sight. For the first time in my life, I believed in love at first sight, because I experienced it. N and I were perfect together, I thought I'd found The One.

For a few months things were wonderful and lovely and perfect and I spent most of my time in blissful happiness. Then there was a blip. I had an episode and I spent a week depressed and crying and things, and when he came down that weekend (he lives 60 miles away), he sat me down and said "we need to talk." Never good. We talked. I cried. It came to a choice, he changes (he tends to close down emotionally when his depression kicks in), or I change (not be so clingy), or we split up. I said I wasn't going to make the decision, and I just cried. He asked if he should leave, and I just cried.

The biggest mistake of my life was letting him walk out. He got the last train home and my perfect relationship was over. Maybe if I hadn't let him get that train we'd have had a chance to talk about it and things would have been find.

For the next few days I begged him to meet me and let us work it out. By the Tuesday I'd convinced him, we met up, he admitted he was wrong and we got back together. That second chance lasted a month or so, then we split up again. I can't remember how, but after another month we started our third try.

Things were difficult, strained a little, but I was with him. I was happy. I loved him completely. He said he didn't love me, but still wanted to be with me. We were coping. Then his apathy kickd in.

N suffers from depression like me, and whereas my episodes make me clingy and desperate, his give him severe cases of apathy. Although at the time I didn't know that. I thought he was pulling away because he didn't care. After six weeks of him "not being bothered" to come see me, and not replying to texts and generally making me feel like shit, I broke up with him.

It was the hardest thing I'd done in years, and it hurt like hell, and I regretted it instantly, but I did it. And, probably a mistake, I kept texting him and I met him another time or two for fuck-buddy sex. The fuck-buddy sex faded. I haven't seen him in months, but we've been texting lots.

I still love him. I never stopped loving him. I got over him slightly, over the relationship we had. But he was the most perfect man I'd ever met, everything about him was right for me, and I'd truly believe he was The One. I couldn't let it go.

Then, over the past week or so, he's started to say certain things. Like, he wanted to see me for just a cuddle. And he got jealous about me and another guy. The sort of things he used to say. But I didn't get my hopes up. Hopes pinned to the floor. Hopes making love with gravity. I'm staying grounded.

And last night I got this... "I still love you. I've more or less been doing what a kid does and closing their eyes and going its not there anymore. Yeah I had my mood swings but after all that I still do. But you know its not fair on you, and stuff. Because we both know I'm a unreliable bugger at best and you can't really make a relationship out of that. Plus I've treated you really badly so I've turned you down because I'm guilty."

My initial response was... "I knew it!" I'm a miserable pessimist most of the time. But when it comes to love and relationships, even though I keep getting trodden on, I'm a ridiculously hopeless optimistic. I always believed (hoped/wished/prayed) that he still loved me, and wanted me.

GKL isn't happy. She hasn't been happy about me talking to him all this time, she's not happy about me meeting him for hot, kinky sex at New Year. She's frustrated and angry that I won't listen to her. She's scared and worried that I'll get hurt again.

I can understand her fear. I'm not stupid. I know I'll probably get hurt if I get involved with him again. I know I'll get hurt if I even keep talking to him. But... and here comes the head versus heart bit...

I can be miserable and depressed and alone 100% of the time. Or I can talk to him, be with him, and be perfectly happy for 30-60% of the time. The misery is still there, but there's happiness too. And how many women beg and pray for someone who loves them, that they love back? I have that! I don't want to let it go. I love him, and if I have another chance with him then why shouldn't I take it?

Urgh! I don't even know if he wants to get involved again. He said we can't make a relationship on him being an unreliable bugger. We can. I didn't know about the apathy before. If we got together, I'd be frustrated and hurt and lonely when we aren't together, or when he has a fit. But we'd be together at times, and happy.

It doesn't help that my best friends all think it'd be a bad idea. They're all dead set against the idea of me being with him again. I can see their points, but they can't see my heart. They can't know how I felt when I was with him, and how much I want to be with him again.

I don't know what's going to happen now. Maybe he'll want to get back together, maybe he won't. And if he does, maybe I'll say yes, maybe I won't. We'll just have to see, I guess.

I wish GKL wasn't so against it :( My biggest reason for saying no to him would be because I wouldn't want my best friend to hate me, but then I'd be scared I'd resent her. And I don't want that either.