For a month or so I've been struggling with a pretty huge decision. It hasn't been easy, and I've put a lot of thought into it. I'm dropping out of university.
I first mentioned this to my closest friends during an episode and they were understandably worried that it was the depression talking, and not me. I understand and accept their fears, and I've listened to every opinion everyone concerned has had. But I need to make a decision that is right for me and I've finally done that.
It isn't a rushed decision. I've thought about it very carefully, I've weighed up the pros and cons of staying, and the pros and cons of leaving, and what my options are. And I really think that leaving is the best thing. I've had trouble with university right from the start, mostly with my attendance. My depression gives me incredible trouble leaving the house at times, and it gives me trouble focussing on work and reading. I tried hard, but kept managing to sabotage myself - as regular readers will have noticed. The only thing that kept me going throughout last year was the idea of coming here. And after I failed my history module, even that nearly wasn't incentive enough.
I'm loving my time out here in America, and I'm so very glad I made it. I don't regret coming out here at all, it is a lifelong dream come true. But the courses are as boring and frustrating to me as the courses back at Keele. I don't want to keep going with uni. I LOVE uni life. I love the library at Keele, and some of the bars, and the people, and the societies. I love Keele - and I'll still visit the campus regularly - I just don't like the courses.
When I originally applied for Keele, the only reason I chose a single honours degree was because not a single one of the other options appealed to me in the slightest. And it turns out that American politics bores the hell out of me as well. History not so much, but it still bores me. I wrote my list of reasons to stay at university and had two options: for the student loans, and because I'd get a lot of people telling me "I knew you'd never make it." Neither of them good enough reasons to stay.
Since I've made the decision I've had a big weight lifted from me. You know that metaphorical weight from your shoulders? It's not just a metaphor. I really do feel so much lighter and better having made the decision. I know that people are concerned I've screwed up my life, but let's face it? I was screwed up before. :-) I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but I haven't known for years.
I've been thinking about what I'm going to do instead of university, and quite frankly, I'm not entirely sure. I'm going to spend a few weeks doing nothing! Relaxing. Stitching whenever I like without feeling guilty, reading what I want, sleeping what I want, not forcing myself to be around people when I don't want to be. Just chillin. After that I'm going to look into getting a job, but I'm not going to grab at anything just because it's a job. It needs to be something I'd feel comfortable with. Maybe clerical stuff. I loved the volunteer work I did for the YMCA a few years ago. I love organising, and filing, and typing and all that.
I'm also going to look into doing online courses. The Open University has a creative writing course that I'm interested in. One of my plans - for after university and for my life in general - is to get rid of my damn writer's block. I have so many ideas in my head, not to mention a semi-written novel I want to finish at some point. Maybe the creative writing course will help.
I'm also, and this will surprise some people, going to do some maths courses. Humanities is a pain in the ass. There are no set answers. I don't like it. Maths is definite. I may not be that good at it, so I'm taking little free refresher courses online - starting right back at GCSE level. I like to learn, I'm just not liking what I'm learning at the moment. The maths is fun. Apparently I'm more of a nerd than I thought.
I'm also working on the option of opening an Etsy store - in conjuction with some friends. I know some people from Ravelry read my blog occasionally, if any of you have any Etsy advice I'd be very happy to hear it.
I know that the biggest worry a lot of people have about me dropping out is that I'm going to collapse in on myself and disappear into a big cloud of depression and hibernation and isolation. I understand their fears. It's a viable fear, and something I'm a little concerned about myself. But I'm going to try hard not to let it happen. I'm still going to help run Stitch and Bitch, and I still have my Brownies, and I'm still going to visit friends. I'm going to continue getting my bus passes and ride my buses around randomly. I'm starting Weightwatchers again in the new year too, and I want to go swimming more, if I can get myself a swimming costume.
It's highly possible that I really am making a very huge mistake, but it's also possible that I'm doing the best thing for me. We'll see I guess. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy the rest of my time here in America. Next week I'm going to Boston and New York - which I'm REALLY excited about.
Yet another branch of stitchwork
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Cel'eena Cree
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So, I cross stich, embroider, crochet and knit. I also make little felt stuffs. And now, now I sew too. Thanks to Walmart and their $1 fabric squares. I started to make a christmas tree advent calendar ages ago. Since then I've collected a whole back of different fabrics, and a strong desire to purchase a sewing machine.
Here's the final project:
And here are the lessons I've learned:
1 - Patterns exist for a reason. When you wing it, you end up making big mistakes.
2 - When you're cutting out a shape to sew, you need to leave a border.
3 - Sew numbers and things on to pockets BEFORE you sew the whole project together. And/or learn to draw accurately with fabric paints.
4 - When making pockets, make them big enough to put something in.
5 - I need a sewing machine. Sewing by hand takes forever.
6 - Get some wadding, or accept the fact that you'll be using old clothes to pad things out.
Here's the final project:
And here are the lessons I've learned:
1 - Patterns exist for a reason. When you wing it, you end up making big mistakes.
2 - When you're cutting out a shape to sew, you need to leave a border.
3 - Sew numbers and things on to pockets BEFORE you sew the whole project together. And/or learn to draw accurately with fabric paints.
4 - When making pockets, make them big enough to put something in.
5 - I need a sewing machine. Sewing by hand takes forever.
6 - Get some wadding, or accept the fact that you'll be using old clothes to pad things out.
A new web cartoon
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Cel'eena Cree
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During my internet browsings I came across this website of cartoons about everyday women. Of course I went through the archives. Here are my favourites.
This is me whenever I go to bed. My brain just does not shut up.
This is my excuse for maintaining my majestic figure.
This one reminds me of Jen sooooooo much.
This is me whenever I go to bed. My brain just does not shut up.
This is my excuse for maintaining my majestic figure.
This one reminds me of Jen sooooooo much.
New Thing # 38
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Cel'eena Cree
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Date:- November 7th 2009
New Thing:- attend the wedding of a gay man and a straight woman.
Bride - Holly Beaumont Wilkes
Groom - Fletcher Keene
Officiated by - Reptar
This is the kind of thing that happens at universities.
New Thing:- attend the wedding of a gay man and a straight woman.
Bride - Holly Beaumont Wilkes
Groom - Fletcher Keene
Officiated by - Reptar
This is the kind of thing that happens at universities.
HSKS 9 - more teasers
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Cel'eena Cree
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Dear Mutz aka Intarsia Bindoff (I love that name!!)
I finally finished the ___________. Please please please ignore my not so skillful ________ of the ___________. I can never get the hang of them. It looks fine from the outside, but please don't look too closely at the inside.
It looks a little plain though, I'm gonna add some ______________ with some ____________. Your box is nearly half full already. I think I've met all the proper requirements, now I'm just adding delightful goodies and things. All stuff to make you smile when you open it. All to apologise for the horrible horrible teasers I keep leaving you.
Celeena Cree
I finally finished the ___________. Please please please ignore my not so skillful ________ of the ___________. I can never get the hang of them. It looks fine from the outside, but please don't look too closely at the inside.
It looks a little plain though, I'm gonna add some ______________ with some ____________. Your box is nearly half full already. I think I've met all the proper requirements, now I'm just adding delightful goodies and things. All stuff to make you smile when you open it. All to apologise for the horrible horrible teasers I keep leaving you.
Celeena Cree
November so far
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Cel'eena Cree
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Since Halloween I've had a fairly eventful week, mostly thanks to my new friend Branden.
Sunday night was the British Culture Share here on the international floor of Philippi Hall. My fellow Brits prepared a scrumptious feast, starting with scones with clotted cream and jam, with good old English tea, followed by Toad in the Hole (try explaining to an American what toad in the hole is) with mash and gravy, and topped off with apple crumble, victoria sponge and vanilla ice cream. It all went down a big success. Everyone loved the food. Including me! Made me a little nostalgic for home. I've been really missing roast dinners, and the toad in the hole made me miss it even more. That and Crunchies!! If anyone fancies posting me a couple of Crunchies, feel free!!!!
After the culture share Branden and I stayed in the TV lounge watching movies til silly o'clock in the morning, which has become a bit of a habit. We've done the same thing most nights this week. I've watched more movies this week than I've watched since I got here and discovered Hulu.
Tuesday night I went back to TnT, despite last week's Harry Potter fiasco. We did quite well. At a certain point we were winning, but apparently general knowledge is not our teams forte and we ended up losing miserably. It's the damn negative marking. In the later rounds, if we get a question wrong you lose loads of points. I won't be going next week - it's a sport theme and I know absolutely nothing about sport, plus I should really make an appearance to class. But I'll be there the week after for the American themed one. The organiser thinks it'd be hilarious if a Brit won the American themed quiz.
Wednesday was the USM talent show. There were only five competitors, but Holly (one of the Brits) was in it, so we all went along to cheer her on. Unfortunately she was robbed, but she came in third place. I still think she should have won.
And yesterday was the best day of all so far. Branden and I had planned to go see a proper movie in a movie theater, (ooo look at me with my American vernacular) but I overslept so we missed it. But I had an appointment to get tattooed, and I made that. I'd gone in last week and made the appointment, to get a little tattoo for their minumum price of $70. I'd narrowed it down to 4 separate ones, but I couldn't decide. Even sat in Starbucks ten minutes before the appointment I still couldn't decide. So I asked the artist what it'd cost for two. $80. An extra tattoo for ten bucks? Hell yeah!
After the delightful, painful, erotic, wonderful experience that is getting inked, we went shopping. I dragged Branden in to the yarn store cos I had some stuff to get, and he ended up sat next to an old lady who taught him how to crochet. It was hilarious. I'm vaguely jealous about how quickly he picked it up though. It took me forever.
On to the mall to buy giant fluffy purple slippers and a movie called "The Night of 1000 Cats". Lol. It was a good day. I like having new friends.
Sunday night was the British Culture Share here on the international floor of Philippi Hall. My fellow Brits prepared a scrumptious feast, starting with scones with clotted cream and jam, with good old English tea, followed by Toad in the Hole (try explaining to an American what toad in the hole is) with mash and gravy, and topped off with apple crumble, victoria sponge and vanilla ice cream. It all went down a big success. Everyone loved the food. Including me! Made me a little nostalgic for home. I've been really missing roast dinners, and the toad in the hole made me miss it even more. That and Crunchies!! If anyone fancies posting me a couple of Crunchies, feel free!!!!
After the culture share Branden and I stayed in the TV lounge watching movies til silly o'clock in the morning, which has become a bit of a habit. We've done the same thing most nights this week. I've watched more movies this week than I've watched since I got here and discovered Hulu.
Tuesday night I went back to TnT, despite last week's Harry Potter fiasco. We did quite well. At a certain point we were winning, but apparently general knowledge is not our teams forte and we ended up losing miserably. It's the damn negative marking. In the later rounds, if we get a question wrong you lose loads of points. I won't be going next week - it's a sport theme and I know absolutely nothing about sport, plus I should really make an appearance to class. But I'll be there the week after for the American themed one. The organiser thinks it'd be hilarious if a Brit won the American themed quiz.
Wednesday was the USM talent show. There were only five competitors, but Holly (one of the Brits) was in it, so we all went along to cheer her on. Unfortunately she was robbed, but she came in third place. I still think she should have won.
And yesterday was the best day of all so far. Branden and I had planned to go see a proper movie in a movie theater, (ooo look at me with my American vernacular) but I overslept so we missed it. But I had an appointment to get tattooed, and I made that. I'd gone in last week and made the appointment, to get a little tattoo for their minumum price of $70. I'd narrowed it down to 4 separate ones, but I couldn't decide. Even sat in Starbucks ten minutes before the appointment I still couldn't decide. So I asked the artist what it'd cost for two. $80. An extra tattoo for ten bucks? Hell yeah!
After the delightful, painful, erotic, wonderful experience that is getting inked, we went shopping. I dragged Branden in to the yarn store cos I had some stuff to get, and he ended up sat next to an old lady who taught him how to crochet. It was hilarious. I'm vaguely jealous about how quickly he picked it up though. It took me forever.
On to the mall to buy giant fluffy purple slippers and a movie called "The Night of 1000 Cats". Lol. It was a good day. I like having new friends.
New Thing # 37
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Cel'eena Cree
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Date:- October 31st 2009
New Thing:- Try a corn dog
While we were waiting for the coach home from Salem yesterday, a little boy wandered past me eating a corn dog and I realised I'd never had one. And I really wanted one. So Branden went running into the food court place to get me one, and consequently almost made himself late for the bus.
This is a corn dog...
It is, as far as I can tell, a sausage cooked in a honeyed batter type thing. It was... it was weird. The batter was sooooo sweet, and then there was the sausage. It was nice. I wouldn't say no to another one.
New Thing:- Try a corn dog
While we were waiting for the coach home from Salem yesterday, a little boy wandered past me eating a corn dog and I realised I'd never had one. And I really wanted one. So Branden went running into the food court place to get me one, and consequently almost made himself late for the bus.
This is a corn dog...
It is, as far as I can tell, a sausage cooked in a honeyed batter type thing. It was... it was weird. The batter was sooooo sweet, and then there was the sausage. It was nice. I wouldn't say no to another one.
New Thing # 36 - My trip to Salem!
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Cel'eena Cree
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Date:- October 31st 2009
New Thing:- Spend Halloween in Salem, Massachusetts
Yesterday we went on a field trip to Salem for Halloween. It was fun. Very interesting. I didn't get to do as much as I'd have liked, because it was very theme-parky and the queues for things were ridiculous, but I enjoyed visiting all the witchcraft stores, and the people watching. I saw all kinds of brilliant costumes.
- A million witches and pirates (they were like a walking catalog. I loved all the clothes. If I could have gotten them in my size I'd wear them everyday).
- A few flappers and mobsters
- Dumbledore
- The Teletubbies
- Mario and Luigi
- A mustard and ketchup bottle
- Various walking trees and shrubs
- Troy Bolton
- Giant babies
- Melanie Daniels from The Birds (complete with Birds)
- Waldo (or Wally if you're English)
- Buzz Lightyear
- Various Alice in Wonderlands (including one male) and Mad Hatters
- A zombie wedding party
- Elvis (he was driving a trolley tour bus)
- The Phantom
- A jellyfish
- Ooompa Loompas
- The Flintstones
- A toddler dressed as The Flash
- A zillion Freddy Kruegers
- Death a few times, including one who was 9 ft tall
- A perfect replica of the Batman outfit on a 4 or 5 year old girl, except it was pink
- Thing 1 and Thing 2
- Little Red Riding Hood and the Wolf
- Teenwolf
- Power Rangers
- The character from the Scarlet Letter (complete with an A)
- 4 million little Disney princesses
- A couple of Harlequins
- A keg
- Hellboy
- The Crow
- Donnie Darko rabbit (walking down the street with V (from V for Vendetta) and Rorshach - officially the coolest thing I'd seen all day)
- Mini Darth Vader
- Amish
- Dude riding an ostrich
- The Chipmunks
- Chicken
- A body bag
- A monkey in a barrel
- Charlie Chaplin
- Vegetables
- Clark Kent (as well as some Supermans)
- Spock
- Michael Myers
- A dog dressed as a lobster
- A dog dressed as a pumpkin
- Whoopie cushion
- Cheese
- Child ghostbusters
- Link from Zelda
- Crayons
- Princess Leia
- Pennywise the clown
- Naruto
- The Joker
- A Smurf
- Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio
Even amongst the USM students there was a Peter Pan, a nerd, a vampirate, a pimp, a cowboy, a few witches, an escaped convict and a very short-lived caveman. I also heard a rumor that there was a couple walking around dressed as chefs, with their pram turned into a saucepan, and their little baby dressed as a lobster. Very cool, but I didn't see them unfortunately. I also saw the Delorean!!
I didn't get to go to the Witch Museum, or Count Orlok's Nightmare Gallery, or the Witches Cottage, or any of the other things I'd planned because the queues were really really prohibitive, and I was feeling mildly edgy like I said. But I got to take a trolley tour, which was the fun. The tour guide was an older bloke who kept bicke ring with the driver. And I found a yarn store. Yarn!! And a bead store. A whole bead store. I've never seen a bead store, only bead sections in other stores.
And I made a new friend, Branden, who I spent the journey home singing Hairspray songs with. It was a good day, and I'm really glad I went, but I'm now adding "Go to Salem in September" to my Bucket List. When the attractions are open, but not so bloody busy.
New Thing:- Spend Halloween in Salem, Massachusetts
Yesterday we went on a field trip to Salem for Halloween. It was fun. Very interesting. I didn't get to do as much as I'd have liked, because it was very theme-parky and the queues for things were ridiculous, but I enjoyed visiting all the witchcraft stores, and the people watching. I saw all kinds of brilliant costumes.
- A million witches and pirates (they were like a walking catalog. I loved all the clothes. If I could have gotten them in my size I'd wear them everyday).
- A few flappers and mobsters
- Dumbledore
- The Teletubbies
- Mario and Luigi
- A mustard and ketchup bottle
- Various walking trees and shrubs
- Troy Bolton
- Giant babies
- Melanie Daniels from The Birds (complete with Birds)
- Waldo (or Wally if you're English)
- Buzz Lightyear
- Various Alice in Wonderlands (including one male) and Mad Hatters
- A zombie wedding party
- Elvis (he was driving a trolley tour bus)
- The Phantom
- A jellyfish
- Ooompa Loompas
- The Flintstones
- A toddler dressed as The Flash
- A zillion Freddy Kruegers
- Death a few times, including one who was 9 ft tall
- A perfect replica of the Batman outfit on a 4 or 5 year old girl, except it was pink
- Thing 1 and Thing 2
- Little Red Riding Hood and the Wolf
- Teenwolf
- Power Rangers
- The character from the Scarlet Letter (complete with an A)
- 4 million little Disney princesses
- A couple of Harlequins
- A keg
- Hellboy
- The Crow
- Donnie Darko rabbit (walking down the street with V (from V for Vendetta) and Rorshach - officially the coolest thing I'd seen all day)
- Mini Darth Vader
- Amish
- Dude riding an ostrich
- The Chipmunks
- Chicken
- A body bag
- A monkey in a barrel
- Charlie Chaplin
- Vegetables
- Clark Kent (as well as some Supermans)
- Spock
- Michael Myers
- A dog dressed as a lobster
- A dog dressed as a pumpkin
- Whoopie cushion
- Cheese
- Child ghostbusters
- Link from Zelda
- Crayons
- Princess Leia
- Pennywise the clown
- Naruto
- The Joker
- A Smurf
- Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio
Even amongst the USM students there was a Peter Pan, a nerd, a vampirate, a pimp, a cowboy, a few witches, an escaped convict and a very short-lived caveman. I also heard a rumor that there was a couple walking around dressed as chefs, with their pram turned into a saucepan, and their little baby dressed as a lobster. Very cool, but I didn't see them unfortunately. I also saw the Delorean!!
I didn't get to go to the Witch Museum, or Count Orlok's Nightmare Gallery, or the Witches Cottage, or any of the other things I'd planned because the queues were really really prohibitive, and I was feeling mildly edgy like I said. But I got to take a trolley tour, which was the fun. The tour guide was an older bloke who kept bicke ring with the driver. And I found a yarn store. Yarn!! And a bead store. A whole bead store. I've never seen a bead store, only bead sections in other stores.
And I made a new friend, Branden, who I spent the journey home singing Hairspray songs with. It was a good day, and I'm really glad I went, but I'm now adding "Go to Salem in September" to my Bucket List. When the attractions are open, but not so bloody busy.
HSKS 9 - weekly blog
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Cel'eena Cree
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One of the tasks for the HSKS Quiddith league is to blog weekly about it. Most people read the Where in the World is Winnie clues and put their guesses up, but I don't recognise any of the places or anything, so I'm not going to do that.
I haven't had much of a chance to get on with Intarsia's (she's my spoilee if I haven't already mentioned) gifts. I brought another ____________ because it turned out that the one I brought at first wasn't enough. And I've decided I'm gonna do some ______________ for her as well. I might even get a _______________ to go with it. Lol, more teasers. I love giving them, hate receiving them.
Also, I got a flying broomstick! There are four broomsticks flying around between the players, and when you get one you're supposed to tie your team colour ribbon to it, and take a photograph of it with something unique to your location. You post the picture on the thread and other people guess where it is. Then you send the broomstick off flying to another player, who adds more ribbons. I haven't had a chance to add ribbons or anything yet, that's next on my list. But isn't it cute?
I haven't had much of a chance to get on with Intarsia's (she's my spoilee if I haven't already mentioned) gifts. I brought another ____________ because it turned out that the one I brought at first wasn't enough. And I've decided I'm gonna do some ______________ for her as well. I might even get a _______________ to go with it. Lol, more teasers. I love giving them, hate receiving them.
Also, I got a flying broomstick! There are four broomsticks flying around between the players, and when you get one you're supposed to tie your team colour ribbon to it, and take a photograph of it with something unique to your location. You post the picture on the thread and other people guess where it is. Then you send the broomstick off flying to another player, who adds more ribbons. I haven't had a chance to add ribbons or anything yet, that's next on my list. But isn't it cute?
New Thing # 35
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Cel'eena Cree
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Date:- October 29th 2009
New Thing:- Carve a pumpkin
On Sunday for Fall Fest there was a big pumpkin carving event in the student center. I didn't go because I was having an episode, and afterwards I realised I've never carved a pumpkin before. So that's what I did. Today my friend Meagan went to Hannafords and picked me up a pumpkin.
His name is Barnaby. Yes, I named him. Right before I cut his head off and ripped his insides out. Lol.
Sun kindly took a photo of me. My roommates are fascinated by this idea. They were watching me for most of the time I was scooping his innards out.
Scooping the insides out was very very gross. Slimy and gross.
I don't know if you can see there but that's my sketching of his face. I thought about doing something artistic, but decided to stick with traditional. I'm not exactly artistic in this way anyway.
There he is; Barnaby. Tomorrow I'll take him outside, put a candle up his arse and set fire to him. I can't do it now because the back door gets locked at 7pm and if I go out the front I'd have to deal with RAs asking questions. Keep your eyes peeled for more photos tomorrow!
New Thing:- Carve a pumpkin
On Sunday for Fall Fest there was a big pumpkin carving event in the student center. I didn't go because I was having an episode, and afterwards I realised I've never carved a pumpkin before. So that's what I did. Today my friend Meagan went to Hannafords and picked me up a pumpkin.
His name is Barnaby. Yes, I named him. Right before I cut his head off and ripped his insides out. Lol.
Sun kindly took a photo of me. My roommates are fascinated by this idea. They were watching me for most of the time I was scooping his innards out.
Scooping the insides out was very very gross. Slimy and gross.
I don't know if you can see there but that's my sketching of his face. I thought about doing something artistic, but decided to stick with traditional. I'm not exactly artistic in this way anyway.
There he is; Barnaby. Tomorrow I'll take him outside, put a candle up his arse and set fire to him. I can't do it now because the back door gets locked at 7pm and if I go out the front I'd have to deal with RAs asking questions. Keep your eyes peeled for more photos tomorrow!
1st Knittaversary
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Cel'eena Cree
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Just a quick note to point out that yesterday was the anniversary of the day that my darling Jen taught to me, back in my Mum's living room after my birthday trip to London, where Jen and I saw WICKED, which was absolutely worth the name.
I celebrated by knittaversary by doing absolutely no stitching at all, in any form. Lol. It wasn't intentional. Had a long day of errands, and then came home and fell asleep. I did however pop into the Central Yarn Shop in Portland and brought myself some yummy yarn. I'm building up quite a stash here, which I hadn't planned to do because at some point I have to get it home. And if my suitcase is full of yarn, it won't be full of delicious American candy. I can't believe I have to choose.
Maybe if I buy a third suitcase......
I celebrated by knittaversary by doing absolutely no stitching at all, in any form. Lol. It wasn't intentional. Had a long day of errands, and then came home and fell asleep. I did however pop into the Central Yarn Shop in Portland and brought myself some yummy yarn. I'm building up quite a stash here, which I hadn't planned to do because at some point I have to get it home. And if my suitcase is full of yarn, it won't be full of delicious American candy. I can't believe I have to choose.
Maybe if I buy a third suitcase......
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