A difficult decision

For a month or so I've been struggling with a pretty huge decision. It hasn't been easy, and I've put a lot of thought into it. I'm dropping out of university.

I first mentioned this to my closest friends during an episode and they were understandably worried that it was the depression talking, and not me. I understand and accept their fears, and I've listened to every opinion everyone concerned has had. But I need to make a decision that is right for me and I've finally done that.

It isn't a rushed decision. I've thought about it very carefully, I've weighed up the pros and cons of staying, and the pros and cons of leaving, and what my options are. And I really think that leaving is the best thing. I've had trouble with university right from the start, mostly with my attendance. My depression gives me incredible trouble leaving the house at times, and it gives me trouble focussing on work and reading. I tried hard, but kept managing to sabotage myself - as regular readers will have noticed. The only thing that kept me going throughout last year was the idea of coming here. And after I failed my history module, even that nearly wasn't incentive enough.

I'm loving my time out here in America, and I'm so very glad I made it. I don't regret coming out here at all, it is a lifelong dream come true. But the courses are as boring and frustrating to me as the courses back at Keele. I don't want to keep going with uni. I LOVE uni life. I love the library at Keele, and some of the bars, and the people, and the societies. I love Keele - and I'll still visit the campus regularly - I just don't like the courses.

When I originally applied for Keele, the only reason I chose a single honours degree was because not a single one of the other options appealed to me in the slightest. And it turns out that American politics bores the hell out of me as well. History not so much, but it still bores me. I wrote my list of reasons to stay at university and had two options: for the student loans, and because I'd get a lot of people telling me "I knew you'd never make it." Neither of them good enough reasons to stay.

Since I've made the decision I've had a big weight lifted from me. You know that metaphorical weight from your shoulders? It's not just a metaphor. I really do feel so much lighter and better having made the decision. I know that people are concerned I've screwed up my life, but let's face it? I was screwed up before. :-) I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but I haven't known for years.

I've been thinking about what I'm going to do instead of university, and quite frankly, I'm not entirely sure. I'm going to spend a few weeks doing nothing! Relaxing. Stitching whenever I like without feeling guilty, reading what I want, sleeping what I want, not forcing myself to be around people when I don't want to be. Just chillin. After that I'm going to look into getting a job, but I'm not going to grab at anything just because it's a job. It needs to be something I'd feel comfortable with. Maybe clerical stuff. I loved the volunteer work I did for the YMCA a few years ago. I love organising, and filing, and typing and all that.

I'm also going to look into doing online courses. The Open University has a creative writing course that I'm interested in. One of my plans - for after university and for my life in general - is to get rid of my damn writer's block. I have so many ideas in my head, not to mention a semi-written novel I want to finish at some point. Maybe the creative writing course will help.

I'm also, and this will surprise some people, going to do some maths courses. Humanities is a pain in the ass. There are no set answers. I don't like it. Maths is definite. I may not be that good at it, so I'm taking little free refresher courses online - starting right back at GCSE level. I like to learn, I'm just not liking what I'm learning at the moment. The maths is fun. Apparently I'm more of a nerd than I thought.

I'm also working on the option of opening an Etsy store - in conjuction with some friends. I know some people from Ravelry read my blog occasionally, if any of you have any Etsy advice I'd be very happy to hear it.

I know that the biggest worry a lot of people have about me dropping out is that I'm going to collapse in on myself and disappear into a big cloud of depression and hibernation and isolation. I understand their fears. It's a viable fear, and something I'm a little concerned about myself. But I'm going to try hard not to let it happen. I'm still going to help run Stitch and Bitch, and I still have my Brownies, and I'm still going to visit friends. I'm going to continue getting my bus passes and ride my buses around randomly. I'm starting Weightwatchers again in the new year too, and I want to go swimming more, if I can get myself a swimming costume.

It's highly possible that I really am making a very huge mistake, but it's also possible that I'm doing the best thing for me. We'll see I guess. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy the rest of my time here in America. Next week I'm going to Boston and New York - which I'm REALLY excited about.