Sabotage

I never got any A-Levels because I couldn't survive the full two years in college and usually had mini breakdowns and dropped out. A couple of years ago when I decided I was improved enough to attempt University, I had every intention of trying my damnedest. Especially with a trip to study in America dangling in front of my like the proverbial carrot.

I scraped through my Foundation Year. Barely. My work was good, or so I was told. The problem was my attendance. I'd have days where I couldn't face opening my eyes, let alone leaving the house, and I just wouldn't go in. So I didn't. And for some reason - probably the same part of me that doesn't go to doctor's appointments - I wouldn't email or call them either. So my attendance was appalling. I received written warnings about it. All year I planned to go to the disability services people at Keele to get the help and acknowledgement of my problem that I needed. I made appointments and never went. Several times.

After barely passing a few modules and having the fear of God put into me over the summer, I made a conscious decision to do better this year. To show up to all the lectures and do all the work and to go to the damned disability services people.

It started off well, for a while. But by Christmas I hadn't attended a single seminar for one module, my attendance was slipping again with everything else and I'd missed four seperate appointments with the disability people. After Christmas came exams and I wrote nothing but tripe during one of them because my mind went blank and all I could think about was clowns. I need to pass all my modules at a certain percent to go to America next year and I was convinced that screwing up the exam meant I wouldn't make it. I didn't see the point in trying. I very nearly quit then. But, by some miracle, I scraped through again.

For a few weeks of the second semester I was rejuvenated. I had been given another chance, and this time I would do it properly. But, once again, I failed. So far this semester I have yet to attend a single History lecture, and I've only been to two of the seminars. Even if I showed up outside the door to them now I would not be able to physically force myself through the door for the same reason I can't go into lectures when I'm late. I just can't do it. It isn't just fear, it's a physical barrier that stops me.

When the Easter holidays started I was ridiculously behind with all my reading. But I was okay. It was a four week holiday. I intended to catch up on all the reading, write the two essays I have due, do the research for the group project and fill in the politics workbook and the VE workbook. Simple. Four weeks. No job, friends either working or out of town. Easy as pie.

Except I didn't do it. I spent a few nights in the library when they started their 24 hour scheme, and caught up with quite a bit, but not enough. And I didn't start the essays. I have deadline reminders on my computers. I could see the days passing by, I knew I had to do it, but I did nothing more than look at the questions and come up with a few ideas.

Then we get to Saturday just gone. I glanced at the timer, realised how little time I really had to do two 2000 word essays and decided to get a start on them. Nope.

Monday, 100 words of the politics, nothing on History.

Tuesday. I worked a bit in the library earlier, but then came home and went to bed because I was utterly exhausted.

It's now 4am in the morning of the Wednesday. I've done approximately 1600 words of the politics essay. I'll finish that easily. I need to go to the library later to check out some sources and fill in some gaps, but it's sorted. It kind of makes sense. Infuriatingly I came up with a much better angle for the essay as I was writing the conclusion, but I don't have time to redo it. If I'd started it during Easter like I'd planned to, I would have, but I didn't, so I don't. So I'll be handing in my mediocre essay instead.

I still haven't even started the History essay. I have a question. But I haven't read the text book, I haven't been to any of the lectures, I've only been to two seminars. Every time I sit and try to start the essay, and any time I've tried to work on either of them over the last few days, I get frustrated and angry and lost concentration and then scared and worried and start to cry.

Anytime I think about the state I've gotten myself in at Uni I get completely overwhelmed and feel like dropping out. The ONLY thing that's kept me from dropping out so far is this Maine trip. I've wanted to study in America since I was a small child, and it's the only thing keeping me hanging on. But a few hours ago, when my Politics essay was nothing but 800 words of nonsense, even that carrot was losing it's appeal. I wanted to drop out. I wanted to forget about Maine and drop out and hide and stay in my room forever and knit and read and surf the web.

I still do.

I don't know if I can do it. I'm making such a hash of things. Even if I work to complete the other essay today and do nothing but read and catch up I'm still going to fail the exams I have in two weeks. I'm still going to not get the grades and I won't get to go to Maine anyway. And if, by some bloody insane miracle, I do scrape through by the skin of my teeth again, what then? I'll go to Maine, and have the same problems all over again? Not be able to go to lectures there. What if it's worse there? What if because I have no friends or family support I get worse? What if the reading builds up on me? What if I miss a lecture and can't face going to any others? I can't do it.

When I started at Keele, there were lots of people who didn't think I'd be able to do it. They were convinced I'd drop out, like I dropped out of three different colleges. My determination to prove them wrong was what pushed me through the Foundation year. But that determination has gone now. What if they're right? Maybe I'm not cut out to do this. Maybe I should just quit now and save myself all the hassle.

All of my problems with the work are my own fault. No one is preventing me going to lectures. The disability people aren't cancelling appointments with me. Nothing is stopping me doing the work. It's me sabotaging myself. Maybe I should take the hint.