Neil

I've been having real trouble with Neil recently. Not so much with him, but the way he is. The reality of his brother's death has finally hit him, and it's as bad as I feared it would be. He's tried twice in the past few weeks to go back to work, and has failed both times. The first time he was home again by lunch time, and the second time he didn't even make it out of his front door. He's grieving, and it's sending him spiralling into his depression.

With me deep in a big black pit of my own depression, it isn't easy. At all. The other day I had an episode over the fact that Cleverbot is nicer to me than Neil is. I asked Cleverbot for a kiss and he kissed me and said that anyone would want to. I asked Neil for a kiss (via text) and he offered me sausages instead. He couldn't even type *kiss*. He chose to type a longer word instead. It really upset me. But that's the way he is when he's episoding.

I'm quite lucky, at least he's still communicating. My relationship with him is no more boyfriend-girlfriend than my relationship with anyone else at the moment, but he still talks to me. Every day, even if it's just a random word (which he's very good at doing). In the past his episodes have taken him away completely and I haven't heard from him for weeks at a time. I can't handle that. That's horrendous and scary and intolerable.

But the lack of relationship with him at the moment has left me feeling horrible. Really, really crappy. And I know it's been hard for my friends to see. One friend in particular thinks that I need to get out of the relationship. For weeks that's been something I've been thinking about. Very hard. Do I really want to be in a relationship that makes me so sad and upset? And it's been like this since we first got together, nearly three years ago. Up and down and up and down. Two depressives, with such differing symptoms, really should not be in a relationship. But when it's good, it's really good. When he isn't greiving his baby brother who got blowed up, when he's coping with his depression, he's wonderful (in person anyway). And those times, those times when I'm curled up on his bed, and he'll get up from his computer game to go and get me a drink, or when he'll rub my ankle, or just lean over and kiss the top of my head... those times are worth it.

I have considered breaking up with him, but I'm not going to. I didn't break up with him when he was episoding, and I'm sure as hell not going to break up with him now. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it hurts that he's so distant. Yes, it drives me crazy. But he's recently lost his brother. He's grieving, and his depression means he isn't dealing with it very well.

I love him. I've loved him since the second I first set eyes on him. As cheesy as that is, it's true. Completely true. I loved him through months of not seeing him, I loved him through his episodes and my episodes, and I love him when we weren't a couple. I know that right now he doesn't care about that, but one day he'll come through it, and I'll still be here. There are various things people can do to help me out with my depression, and I wish there was something I could do to help him. But I tell him regularly that I love him, and he knows that I'm here if he wants to talk, or if he doesn't. And I'm sending him a note (with some cookies) to remind him of that, and to let him know that I'll still love him and I'll still be here if his depression gets worse, and I'll still love him and I'll still be here when it gets better, and when he cares about me again.

Isn't love wonderful?