30 Day Meme - Day 12

Day 12 - Whatever takes my fancy

Sleep. I have a very complicated relationship with Sleep. I like to sleep. A lot. I like being asleep. I love that drowsy half-asleep feeling. I love that not-quite-awake-yet feeling. I can fall asleep anywhere - including the student union nightclub. Sleep is my dear close friend.

Sleep is also my nemesis. It's evil! It's more the difficulty I have getting to sleep. Yes, I can fall asleep anywhere, but not when I actually want to sleep. I don't think I've ever had a normal sleeping routine. If I decide it's bedtime, and put away what I'm doing and get into bed and close my eyes to go to sleep, I think. If I'm not doing something I think, and when I think very bad things happen. I can't stop thinking, and then I get depressed. So I have this wonderful tendency to stay awake until I'm utterly exhausted, because then when I go to bed I won't think, I'll just fall asleep. This usually means a very strange timetable. For the past few days I've been getting up at midnight-ish. That's not right.

My other problem with sleep is the waking up part. I sleep too much. 18-20 hours at a time sometimes. I've been known to sleep through whole days. And I know it's not healthy. I know that too much sleep is as bad for you as too little sleep. I know that you're supposed to aim for 8 hours sleep a day. That sounds perfectly reasonable. Apart from the fact that if I set an alarm I sleep through it, or I throw it across the room, or I switch it off and go back to sleep. I've tried setting multiple alarms, it doesn't work. Occasionally I do manage to get up, but then I'll fall asleep doing something later in the day.

It doesn't help that I don't work, that I don't have a routine. I have no reason to get out of bed, no reason to go to bed at a sensible time. I find it insanely difficult to keep to a routine. On days when my depression is flaring up, it's almost impossible for me to get out of bed, and on those days it's very difficult to stay awake. There's no need for it.

And then of course, there are the nightmares. I suffer from dreadful, horrendous nightmares. Every night. About all kinds of things. I get the someone-is-chasing-me nightmares, the monsters-in-the-cupboard nightmares, the naked-in-public nightmares and the death-of-a-loved-one nightmares. I get very, very vivid nightmares about people I care about. People leaving me, people dying in gruesome horrific ways, that are usually my fault. It's ridiculously disturbing. I have nightmares that wake me up crying and sweating and shaking. I have nightmares that haunt me throughout the day, leave me feeling like something is wrong. I also tend to attack myself in my sleep on occasion. I've woken up with scratches and bumps and bruises. It's awkward and surreal and not pleasant.

I don't always remember my nightmares, but on days when there are lots of them it leaves me feeling more shattered than I was before I slept. I'm always tired. Always. My depression makes me tired, my antidepressants make me tired. It doesn't matter whether I sleep at night, or in the day, I'm always tired. It doesn't matter whether I sleep six hours, or eight or fifteen. I am always tired. And it's not pleasant.