Sleep - my elusive friend

I am awake. It's quarter past three in the morning, and I'm awake. Yesterday I was awake at two o'clock in the morning. It seems my body just does not want to let me sleep for longer than 5 or 6 hours at a time at the moment. It is exceedingly frustrating. Just like a lot of other things in my life at the moment.

I find myself, for the first time in my life, wishing my counselling appointment would come through. I've been having nightmares. I have them quite regularly, but recently it's been nothing but nightmares. Aside from one dream about being given a German Shepherd puppy called Rocky for Christmas, every dream I've had (at least that I can remember) in the past week or so has been a nightmare. Several a night. I can't recall all the details of them, but they've had me waking up sweating and shaking. I woke up crying the other night, which was not fun. But aside from the nightmares my depression is okay-ish at the moment. A few meh-attacks, but nothing more. Aside from an edgy fit on Monday, but there was a reason for that.

After the pallaver last week with paying the SEVIS fee, I was relieved when a payment cleared in my bank on Monday and I could call the US embassy visa line and make my appointment. Nice and easy step. Phone em up, make the appointment, pay the $131 fee. Simple.

NOT! Of course not. This is me. Nothing ever goes right. That would be ridiculous. I phoned the number and gave them my passport number as requested. Then the nice man with the Irish accent (?!) said that he had to tell me that the Rehabiliation of Offenders Act did not apply when applying for a US visa, and that I had to declare any arrests, cautions or convictions in my past. So, I told him about my two arrests and cautions for shoplifting. (I had an interesting teenagehood). He informed me that I could still apply for a US visa, but I had to provide a police certificate and go through a pre-screening process, and that my chances of getting a visa were reduced.

I calmly listened to the nice Irish man explain what I had to do next, then I hung up and promptly burst into tears. Yet another fuck up of my own making interrupting my plans to get to Maine. Not to mention that if I was refused a visa it was a permanent, lifetime thing. No moving to live in America eventually. Bye bye lifetime dream. I very nearly reached for my blades to partake in some punishment, but instead I texted GKL and we went to Taybarns. We'd both had bad days and Taybarns REALLY helped. I can't decide whether it was the scrummy roast and cauliflower cheese they have there, or the superbly delicious ice cream and profiteroles and hot chocolate fudge sauce, or the company of my best friend. But I came out of there feeling a lot better.

So here's what I need to do for the visa. I need to download a form from the police website requesting a police certificate (like a more indepth and official Criminal Record Bureau check), get a photo verified and counter-signed by a professional who's known me for more than two years, photocopy passport and proof of address and send it all off with a cheque for £35. When the police certificate arrives I need to fill in a consulate form and scan that and the certificate to email in. Then the embassy will begin their pre-screening process. Getting the certificate can take 2-10 working days, the pre-screening can take 5-12 days. THEN I can call to make a visa appointment, but I'll have to be interviewed by a specific consular officer, dependant on what the results of the pre-screening are, so I may not get my interview til August. All kinds of wonderful chaotic fun.

I have my form, and my cheque and my photo. Just need to get someone to sign it and I can post it off. Problem solved. Sort of.

And yesterday it all got even messier. I had a financial notification from the Student Loan people, with reduced tuition fee and increased maintainence loan. I called them to confirm it was correct. They said that because I'd be studying abroad I only qualified for half of the year's tuition fee. The second half. Which means that I'd need to find £1600 by September, on top of everything else.

Once I'd finished cussing, I called Erica in the Centre of International and Education and Development office (hereafter known as CIED). I wanted to see if I could arrange a payment plan or something, because there was no way I could afford the sixteen hundred by September. She informed me that as I was only going away for a semester, I should still get full tuition fee from the Student Loan people. It was only if I was going for a full year that I'd only get half. So I called the Loan people back to double check what was on my application. Seems like I screwed up the application. The man gave me directions to a form online that I needed to print off and fill in and send back, changing my circumstances. Then to wait for another financial notification.

Problem solved.

Next problem - in the pack I got from USM last week there was a sheet detailing minimum insurance requirements I needed to meet US entry requirements. I doubled checked it against the Keele insurance plan I'd taken out, and noticed discrepancies. It was more than likely that I'd need to cancel the Keele insurance and find another one, which would no doubt have been more expensive. But I emailed the relevant Keele person, who informed me that their insurance was adequate, it just didn't have everything written on the initial application form. Or I couldn't understand it anyway.

Problem solved.

Next problem - I worked out exactly what I have to pay out between now and when I'm due in Maine. And I worked out what I can afford to pay from my paydays (there are only 5 left!!). I have everything covered. Just about. I looked up flight information and rough prices. When I first looked, back in January, they were about £200-300. Not bad. If I buy one now, it's about £400-500. Slightly more expensive than I can afford. I'm a bit short, but I'm sure one or two of my lovely friends can help me out. However.... I can't buy the flight until I've recieved my visa. Well I can, but it would be illogical. And I really should wait until I get my re-sit exam results too. This means buying a last minute flight a few days before I go. I looked at last minute flight prices. BIG PROBLEM!! We're looking at £650-750. No way I can afford that. I'm several hundred pounds down. I'm useless with money and I've never let it bother me, but now I've apparently screwed up my chances to go away (AGAIN)!!! Consider this lesson learned. I WILL start being better with money. I promise.

This problem is surmountable. I can possibly gather the money I need, and indebt myself to several people in the process, but it's doable. But all the problems and obstacles and things have left me a little frazzled. And by 'little' I mean 'utterly and horrendously'.

Hopefully though, my lovely N will be down later today and can cuddle me and make things all better. If nothing else, I feel safe around him and can sleep properly and nightmare-free. In the meantime, I'm gonna try sleeping again.