New Thing: Challenge # 23

Challenge 23 – Write a manifesto.

Passed. It was actually kinda therapeutic. Affirming. I thought I was going to write about all these big changes I’d planned to make in my life, and it turns out I’m actually kinda happy as I am. Here it is:

My name is Colette Hayley Horsburgh and this is my manifesto. This is who I am, who I have been and who I want to be. I am 27 years, 7 months and 18 days old, and I am not where I always wanted to be by this age. My life wasn’t as straightforward as I’d planned. Many things went wrong, and a lot of twists and turns corrupted my path. By now I can’t even clearly remember what I wanted to do or where I wanted to be. I just know that I haven’t achieved it. I don’t have the education and qualifications I would have liked. My physical condition is much worse than I would have liked. I don’t have the family, or friend base, that I would have liked. But I am here. Despite the traumas of my past, I am still here. I’m not who I had planned to be, but I’m still here. And although the last 27 years, 7 months and 18 days haven’t gone quite right, I have time to change that.

I don’t have to be who I am, or in the state that I am in. If I don’t want to be, I can change it. Change is difficult. When you have depression and many of its related disabilities, change is slow and hard and near impossible. But I can still do it. All I need to figure out is what I want to change.

I haven’t had the education I’d planned; the education that every person is expected to have. School, college, university. It didn’t work out that way for me. And now, even if I could choose a degree subject that would keep me interested, I wouldn’t be able to afford it. Not in the foreseeable future. So university isn’t an option anymore, but there are still other avenues I could follow. The internet provides a million opportunities to learn. Not all of them conclude with certificates or qualifications, but I can still learn. I can learn math, philosophy, science, art, history. Anything I choose to learn will be somewhere on the internet. All I have to do is find it.

By now I had wanted to have found love, and be married, and have children. I’m not quite there yet. I have love. I have a wonderful, if complicated, relationship that I want to, and plan to, be in for the rest of my life. Maybe one day we’ll get married. Maybe one day we’ll have children. I want that. I want to be a wife and a mother. I want to spend my days looking after our children, and my evenings looking after my husband. That is my dream, and my plan, but it is one that I’m willing to give up if my love doesn’t want it. I want him.

Now that I’m writing this, and focusing on what I need to change, I’m not entirely sure that I want to change that much of it. Who I am at the moment is not the socially-acceptable norm. I don’t sleep when I’m supposed to, or socialise like I’m supposed, or look like I’m supposed to, or act like I’m supposed to. And I have my issues. My depression is a constant blight on my life, but it’s manageable. My sleeping routine is erratic at best, but I’m working hard on changing that, despite many many failures. I don’t leave the house as much as I probably should, but I don’t really have anywhere to go anyway. I’m not entirely right, but I’m happy with my lot in life. There isn’t that much that I want to change.

I can do the things that I want to do. I can learn. I can love. I have friends and I have family. I have hobbies and talents and interests. I don’t have aspirations for big things in life. I don’t need a big house, or a 12 figure bank account. I don’t need a degree or a thousand friends. I don’t need a lot.

A manifesto is a public statement of intent. So here it is. My intentions for life are simple. I intend to work to have a routine in my life. I intend to work to manage my depression and my weight. I intend to maintain and enjoy my relationship. Ideally I intend to marry my love, and bear his children and look after his family. I intend to make small changes to keep myself happy, and to not worry so much about what I should be doing or feeling. I am Colette Hayley Horsburgh and I intend to continue to be me.


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