Thoughts and ponderings

After I set up and started using this blog I noticed that neat little 'next blog' button up there at the top of the screen. I discovered that if you clicked on it you got taken to a random Blogger blog. After a few million of these I stumbled upon this one. A blog for geeky girls. Definitely something I could enjoy. And I do, occasionally. Browsing through archives I discovered a post about 100 Sexiest Geeks or some such fun, so I had a look. On this list I discovered a few things that piqued my interest and I looked them up. Most of them haven't managed to maintain my interest, but one has. Heather B. Armstrong. She's gorgeous, she's a geek, she's a depressive, and she's been a huge inspiration to me.

I'm slightly obsessive about reading archives so I started at the beginning and I've been reading her life since 2006. In that time she's moved in with her boyfriend, they've eloped, they've moved to Utah, gotten pregnant, had a beautiful baby and I've been reading it all in a month and a bit. Aside from finding her posts hilarious and heartfelt and interesting, it's also been a revelation to me to see that someone can suffer from depression like I do and still have the home and the family and the success. The things I want but am so scared my depression will get in the way of. Sure, Dooce has her episodes, and she willingly went to an institution for a few days because Leta's birth brought on post partum depression, but she's coping. She has a wonderful family that help her to cope, and she lets the world outside follow her progress. Dooce lets the internet support her, and with her blog, she supports us.

I fell in love with her when I read a comment she wrote about depression during an episode: "Depression isn't about understanding things intellectually. It's about an overshadowing emotional spiral that makes coping with anything nearly impossible." The most accurate description I've read in a while. That and Freud's definition of depression - "Frozen anger". Both say a lot about what goes on inside my head during episodes, and edginess, and meh attacks.

I'm up to June 2006 in Dooce's blog. Leta is a little over two and a half years old and she is the most beautiful little girl I have ever seen. Every time Dooce posts a picture, or tells a story about something cute the girl has done, I can feel my ovaries tugging at me. I'm broody, damnit!

I can't have kids for years, at least. Not even sure if I'm physically capable of having kids, because of my size and all that. Not to mention the fact that the guy I'm madly in love with doesn't want kids. Not that I should consider N an obstacle. He and I have been on/off for nearly a year and a half, and as much as I might want to spend the rest of my life curled up with him, it probably won't happen.

We had an incredible weekend together. We ignored Valentine's Day, had a lot of hot violent sex, and generally enjoyed being together. Things were good. And last week was good. He was in one of his good moods - he suffers from depression too. When he has episodes he pulls away and goes all distant. But last week he was fine. Sent me lovely text messages that made me go all gooey, told me he loved me frequently. It was good, and the weekend was fabulous.

So far this week (it's only Tuesday night) he's been a little distant, but he usually is after seeing me. It took me a while to get used to, to understand that it wasn't him having had his fill and not being interested anymore. It's just him. I love him, so I put up with foibles.

My thoughts and ponderings don't really seem to be taking any kind of direction. It's nearly half twelve in the morning. I have a 10 o'clock lecture, I should really go to sleep. But I'm watching an episode of Sarah Connor, and I have a strong urge to type. I think I've exhausted that urge now.

Goodnight.