Because There Wasn't Enough Going On In My Head Already

Nobody will ever guess in a million years what is sitting to next to me at the moment. Except perhaps Jen, because she was there when it was given to me. It's certainly not something I ever expected to own. But there it is, plain as day, sat there nice and conspicuously on the bed next to me.

The Book of Mormon.

I actually don't know if I've mentioned it here before, but Jen has recently become a Mormon. And she insists that it's done wonderful things for her. I'm sure that's true, for her, but I can't deny a large amount of cynicism. Mormons have a severely bad rap. And the things I've been told, and the things I've read about them haven't helped. I've heard some very outlandish theories about them, ranging from burning bibles to eating pineapple in circles in the mornings. I'm not completely stupid, I don't automatically believe everything I hear. I will always let someone talk to me, and tell me their story and their side of things. I promised Jen I would meet her Elders and that I would read the Book of Mormon and I would listen. And tonight I listened.

After my first meeting at Slimming World (more on that later), Jen and I got pasta salads from Morrison's then went back to hers for her regular teaching session with Elder Sorensen and Elder McKechnie. They were very interested to meet me, since Jen had told them all so much about me. They were clean cut and handsome and polite and friendly. This I already knew, I have met many many Mormon missionaries around Stoke before. They're all clean cut and handsome and polite and friendly.

After we'd said hello and sat down, Elder Sorenson said that I must have a lot of questions. I did. Hundreds of them, but I couldn't say any of them. I felt like I had this humungous pressure to be on my very best behaviour. I couldn't think of any of my questions, so I just let them talk to me. They told me about the path of salvation, and about the fall of Adam and Eve and about actual and spiritual death, and about the atonement of Jesus Christ. Aside from learning that Jesus apparently bled from every pore under the pressure of mankind's sins, I didn't really hear anything I haven't been told a hundred times before.

Now, I was christened Church of England, but I wasn't really raised in a religious household. And while I've always considered myself a spiritual person, I don't have a lot of experience with religion of any kind. I tend to think of myself as an agnostic. I have a feeling that something is out there, that there is some power or divinity helping us and watching and possibly influencing us, I've just never really believed in any specific god. Religion as it's own entity kinda scared me off. Things like the Holy Crusades, and all the terror in Ireland between Catholics and Protestants, they tend to scare one off a bit.

A lot of people when confronted with the idea of God respond with "why does he let terrible things happen?" and that's their reason for not believing. I don't think that. God gave us the free will to do whatever we want. He doesn't let terrible things happen, he lets US let terrible things happen. My trouble with faith lies with.... Actually I don't know. My trouble with faith lies with the fact that I don't know where my trouble with faith lies. I just struggle to believe. I have problems letting that Holy Spirit that Elder McKechnie spoke so passionately about into my heart. That's not quite right. I'm more than willing to let it in, I just don't feel it. Maybe I will one day, I don't know yet.

As for Mormonism, I have my issues with them as a religion. One is the same issue I have with most religions. No homosexuality. At all. None. Zip. Nada. I have very severe issues with that. Another is the sex-before-marriage thing. I like sex. I LOVE sex. I don't feel guilty for having sex. It's going to take a lot to convince me to give that up. Another issue is the tattoos thing. Mormons aren't allowed to get tattoos. I suppose other religions might have the same opinion, but I don't like it.

Jen, and Elder Sorensen and Elder McKechnie, all want me to learn about God and Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit and the Celestial Kingdom and the Path of Salvation and things. And I will learn. I will read and I will listen. I'm even going to church with Jen on Sunday. But they won't baptise me and accept me into their church, and I won't get into their Celestial Kingdom unless I give up sex, give up my lesbian urges and stop getting tattooed. That's what bothers me about religion. If God loves us as we are, why doesn't he want to let us BE who we are? Why is expressing who I am in the ways I choose a sin?

I don't know what I'm expecting the internet to say to any of this. I guess if I had a larger readership I could expect a variety of comments. But for now this blog is my journal, and while I don't write about everything, I do tend to write when I have a lot on my mind. And this is going to be something that's on my mind a lot.

In other news - Slimming World. While I was away, Jen switched from Weightwatchers to Slimming World. And 'cos I'm not going to do one of those on my own, I started Slimming World with her tonight. It seems a lot more complicated than Weightwatchers. And I have certain issues - mainly that a banana can go from a perfectly free, eat-as-many-as-you-want food, to being a 6 syn food if you mash it! That's insane. But I'll give it a try. I certainly need to lose the weight. I weigh a lot more than I was expecting. And when I get my own place I'm covering my kitchen with pictures of little babies to remind me of my motivation. And if it doesn't work for me, I'll just go back to the Weightwatchers plan and get weighed at Slimming World.