Regrets

Every morning when I wake up, before I even get out of bed, I grab my phone and check a few websites/apps. Twitter, FML, Cheezburger and Facebook. This morning I found on Facebook the wonderful news that my friend is engaged. Apparently her boyfriend is a traditionalist. Proposal on Valentine's Day. I have yet to find out the actual details, but just the date (and the fact that it happened) will have been enough for her. I wonder what the ring looks like.

And that's the reason the title of this blog is "Regrets". That I have to wonder what the ring looks like, and that I don't know the details. This is the same friend who fell out with me after a blog post last year. Two years ago, I would have been the first person she'd told. She would have called me or messaged me right after she'd spoken to her mum.

We're speaking again after falling out, but things are different. We're not as close as we once were, and I regret that immensely. I don't regret that blog post last year, but I regret upsetting her, and I regret that it destroyed our friendship.

I had a very bad day yesterday, and I'm having trouble dealing with my current status as single and alone, but I am so incredibly happy for her. We were best friends through some disastrous relationships, and some that we thought would be forever but weren't. We were best friends though good times, and dodgy times, and hilarious times, and not-quite-moral times, and rich times, and broke times, and all sorts of times. I guess it's natural for lives to change and for people to drift apart, but I've never been comfortable with that. I miss all the friends I've ever had that I've lost, and I'd give anything for a chance to have most of them back. I'd give anything to have my friendship with this particular friend repair itself. But she's busy. She has a full-time job that involves a commute, and she has a new house, and now she has a wedding to plan.

Which brings me to my wish.

When we were both in happy, committed relationships that we thought were forever, she and I developed a mildly crazy happy of reading wedding magazines and preparing scrapbooks for our dream wedding. We'd talk and talk and plan and plan, and we both KNEW for certain, without any shadow of a doubt, that we'd be heavily involved in each other's weddings. I'm insanely happy for her, but at the same time I'm a little worried. I'm worried that I won't get to be as involved as I once would have been. I'd certainly understand if I wasn't, but it would be kinda like the proof that we aren't as close as we were, and I don't want that. I'm happy living in denial, and hapless hope that one day we'll go back to the way we were.

I wish her (and her fiance) all the best, and I want her to know that I am here for any help she might need with planning, or not.

Hmmm, I should find a wedding present idea and start crafting. I will NOT be making a quilt though.