You can't run from your past

I've been sat here crying for 20 minutes, wanting to write this blog, but not sure whether I should. But I'm going to. I'm upset, and this is essentially my diary.

A couple of years ago I had some issues at the Brownie unit I was running and the District I was in. I had some bad friends who kept stealing from me, and they stole the Brownies money a couple of times. I couldn't pay it back one time, and I chose to leave before I was pushed. That situation hurt. A lot.

I love Guiding. I've been a Brownie, and a Guide, and I was helping and leading from as soon as I could. I love being a Brownie leader. I love the organising and the fun and I love the friendship with the girls. When I left Hartshill I was hurt, and I didn't go back to Guiding for nearly two years.

But I live in a different District now and last year I started at a new unit. Which I'm really enjoying. The leaders are great people, and the girls are all adorable and fun and friendly. There has been talk of me taking over a unit that has had to close down because the leader just up and quit.

This evening I went to a planning meeting for Thinking Day. I woke up feeling edgy, and didn't want to go. I was feeling antsy and horrible all through the meeting, and then afterwards, the District Commissioner asked to speak to me.

County has been in touch about my "issues" in my last district. The District Commissioner (and the Division Commissioner) need to check on me at the unit, and sit down to have a chat with me. I have a horrible feeling I'm going to be banned from Guiding. Maybe in this County, maybe in the whole flipping country. And I'm pretty sure that even if I'm allowed to keep going, I won't be allowed to take over that other unit.

I feel horrible. I feel like I've sabotaged myself. I've been working so hard recently to sort out the problems I have, and my bad habits. And apparently it doesn't make a bit of difference, because I'm always going to be held back by the mistakes I made in the past.

I'm scared of losing Guiding. My entire family is all about Guiding and Scouting. I have the trefoil tattooed on my back. Somehow I've managed to lose so many things that are important to me and to who I am. I don't want to lose anymore.