Desperate attempt at distraction

Hey there world. Right now I'm fighting those I-want-to-do-Something-Stupid feelings. And those of you who know me know what "Something Stupid" is code for. And since there isn't really anyone I can talk to, I'll tell my blog instead. Not that anybody really reads this. I don't even know why I keep posting. It's a diary, basically, and not even one I can be completely honest in. Sometimes I feel like I should just give it up, and go get a notebook. Go back to being private. At least in a notebook I could scribble down exactly what's bothering me and not be vague and semi-secretive.

For instance, there are some issues with my family. Chaotic, big, messy issues that I can't escape from. But I can't talk about it freely on here. Because I don't know if any of the people involve will ever come on here. Not to mention that it's an issue with a minor, and there are probably lots of legal issues involved. Besides, if I said that I was planning on kidnapping my baby sister, there would be all kinds of uproar. But it's driving me crazy. I moved 200 miles away to get away from family, and I'm still messed up in everything. And I wish so much that I could just forget about it, and pretend it doesn't all exist, but I can't do that. Because it's a big fucking great big mess and I worry too much and can't switch my sodding brain off.

And it's not just the family issues. It's everything. And I mean everything! At all times of the day I have a million things being worried about in my head. I worry that I can't stop Lexie peeing on the damn bed. I worry that someone I care about it is going to get mugged or attacked randomly. I worry about the floods in Memphis - I don't even know anyone in flipping Memphis. I worry about the friends of a friend who live in Japan. I worry about being depressed forever. I worry about having to throw away some milk because it's expired, but I shouldn't be throwing food away cos there are people in the world starving. I worry about my current situation with Neil. I worry about whether or not my friends are still talking to me when I haven't heard from them in a day or two. I worry that Smudge isn't happy anymore. I worry about whether the pain in my chest is a heart attack or angina or something. I worry about whether that headache is a migraine. I worry about whether or not I make too much noise for my downstairs neighbour. I worry about whether that low rumble is thunder, or a truck, or a bomb gearing up to explode somewhere. I worry about EVERYTHING. All the freaking time. And the only thing that stops it is sleep. Except for when the worrying becomes nightmares and I wake up crying, or sweating, or shaking. It sucks. I want a lobotomy.

And I'm just generally feeling crappy at the moment. I've been episodey for a week, and every day some new little thing happens that just makes me feel worse. Like the baking. In the past few days I've made peanut butter muffins, a delicious toad-in-the-hole and an absolutely exquisite apple crumble. And I've had no one to share it with. I'm developing this skill and talent and delight in baking, but I have no one to bake for. So I can make the Butter Pecan cookies I have a recipe for, but there's no one to try them, and eating them all by myself probably isn't good for me either.
I'm so pathetic and lonely I have no one to bake for.

And lonely is definitely the word for it. I have three friends. Three fucking friends! One of them is my ex-boyfriend I shouldn't even be talking to, anyway. One of them is very busy caught up in work and in moving in with her boyfriend and I've barely seen her in months. The other one went home for two weeks and I missed his company like crazy, and was really excited for when he got back, but he's barely spoken to me since and I know he's injured himself and is busy, but I'm crazy and paranoid and insecure and I feel like he's mad at me or is avoiding me. So I worry about that.

And I'm not dealing so well with the Neil thing. I love him. Every single part of me loves him. I love him as much as I did when we first met. My heart still does flippity flops when I look at pictures of him, or when I see a text from him on my phone. And yes, I was unhappy with the situation we were in, but I am so much more unhappy without him. I hate that he's not a part of my life anymore. I hate it. I want to take it back. I want to go back to how we were. And as much as not talking to him would kill me, talking to me is kind of killing me too. I have to be careful about what I say to him, for the first time since before we met. I've never, ever, had to think about holding back before. I've always been able to tell him absolutely anything. And now we talk, and we're friends, but I can't tell him that I miss him like crazy and want so much to be in his arms. I can't tell him that I love him.

I kinda hate life as it is at the moment. I'm rapidly heading out of episodey and right slap bang into Episode. There are several things I know can get me out of it, and I can't get any of them. I can't get compliments or cuddles from Neil. I'm out of ice cream, and the chocolate in the fridge is designated for those cookies. I can either have the three cans of ravioli in the cupboard, or use my grocery money to buy a curry, or more ingredients for ice cream. Or I can do Something Stupid. And right now, Something Stupid is incredibly appealing. Other alternative, curling up and crying myself to sleep. I'm good at that. I do it a lot.