State of life at the moment

I have a horrible headache. Evil, migraine-like, headache. Aside from that...

I have just officially reapplied to Keele. I finally got a reference for my UCAS application, and I finished my icky, evil personal statement. Paid the stupid fee, and the application is sent off.

I regret dropping out of Keele last year. I messed it up, and I hate myself for that. If I'd had the student loan years I would have switched degrees instead of just dropping out. But you only get five years of student loan, and I used 1 doing half an HND a while ago. So I had to drop out.

However... a while ago Cayden told me he'd heard a rumour that only the tuition fee loan has a limit. In theory, I can get unlimited maintainence loans. I called the Student Loan people and confirmed this. It's up to one person to review my application and make the decision. If I can get a student loan, I can pay the tuition fee with that, and use my incapacity benefit to exist as I have been... but back at University.

But there are a lot of "if"s. Keele might not accept me. Even if they do, the Student Loan people might not give me any money. If there's no money, I can not afford to go back. And this is the last year possible for this opportunity. Starting next year tuition fees go up to £9000 a year, which is waaayyy too much.

There's not a lot I can do now but wait. If I get a consideration letter from Keele I can apply for the Student Loan. Just gotta wait for that letter.

I've applied to do Film Studies with Media, Communications and Culture. Bit of a mouthful, isn't it? But I have a history in film and media, and it's something I'd enjoy. As long as no one tries to make me get in front of the camera. But we'll see.

There is another possible with this. If I get accepted into Keele, I could have the chance to do Study Abroad all over again. IF the Study Abroad department lets me. I'm going to Keele regardless of whether I spend that semester in England or in America, but the chance to have that do-over would be incredible. I've wanted to study in America since I was five. I wanted to go to Kindergarten, and Junior High and High School and College. It was item number 1 on my bucket list, and I blew it. I completely wasted the opportunity that I was given in 2009, and I hate myself for that. If I get the chance to do it again, I'm going to do my damnedest to not blow it.

It'll be harder financially, but Cayden is helping me save. Every spare pound I get goes to him and he puts it in a tin for me. When I get Student Loans, I'll pay tuition fee, and get a bus ticket, but the rest of it will go to him to save for study abroad. But that's a whole other IF. And not one I need to think about for a while.

In the meantime... I'm still working on Project 200. Lots of crafting going on at the moment. There are six works in progress just within my eyesight, another one that just needs some buttons adding to it, and another that I'm about to start.

I have a daily routine. Admittedly I slept a bit late today, but I've had Cayden here for two weeks and he's helped me get into a routine of getting up no later than 11.30 and going to bed no later than 12.30. I'm gonna try and stick to that now that he's gone, but no guarantees.

There are a lot of other thoughts and emotions and things that are going on in me right now, mostly about Neil. I'm not quite sure how to begin to express them, because I'm very conscious of who reads this blog, and who doesn't. I'm still talking to Neil. I've been talking to him a lot recently, flirting and chatting, and discussing some emotional stuff. And certain people don't approve of that. I know they're just worried about me getting hurt again, but I'm.... Aaarrrggghhhh. It's a mess. It's hard to describe how I feel. And I KNOW that I'm just asking to end up hurting again as long as I keep talking to him, but I can't stop, and I don't want to. Urgh. Maybe my thoughts about this will make a little more sense in a few days. Highly unlikely, but maybe.