Jekyll and Hyde

So, things are kinda weird with Neil at the moment. He’s been episoding – which means that he doesn’t really care about much. When it’s really bad he doesn’t care about anything, not even me. He’s been bad all year. I’ve only seen him twice since I got back from America, and both times were in January. He even missed our anniversary. And that was not a good weekend in Casa de Cleo. It was downright ugly. And many many times I wondered why I put up with it. He asks me occasionally why I do. And I tell him the same thing. I love him. I love Neil very much. More than anything in the world, and I’m not going to run away from him because he’s ill. He puts up with my depressive episodes, so I’ll put up with his. Sure, Hyde-Neil is horrible to deal with. He vanishes for days at a time, and I worry that he’s dead. He says he’ll come down and then cancels last minute, over and over again. He doesn’t even really love me at his worst moments. But someday Jekyll-Neil will come back. The Neil who loves me and wants to be with me. I just have to wait until he comes back.

I miss him. Sex aside, I miss being held. I miss just curling up in his arms and watching a movie together. I even miss when we’re sat on opposite sides of the room getting on with our things. In that instance he’ll turn round occasionally and rub my foot, check I’m okay. I miss that. I miss just being near him. It’s really hard to deal with this. When things go wrong with my life; when my ankle puts me back in casualty, or when my sister goes nuts and throws furniture down the stairs at my mum, or when my best friend and I argue over religion. When these things happen and all I want is for my boyfriend to tell me that he’s there for me, and then he’s not… well it can feel like my heart has been ripped out and is smashed repeatedly into a wall.

And then there are occasions where I come home from a decent night out with Jen, but then when I settle in bed and I’m alone and all my thoughts start to catch up on me and the depression creeps in. When I’m lost and scared and really want to talk to my boyfriend, and there’s no answer from him. So instead of getting conversation and comfort from him, I end up chatting to three of my ex-boyfriends instead. That’s what happened last night. I felt so alone and confused about a lot of things, and I wanted nothing more than to just have a conversation with Neil. About anything. But he wasn’t available. So I spent hours text-chatting with my ex-boyfriends. How pathetic is that?

I’m confused about religion and have been for a long time. I don’t know what’s out there. But I regularly (as in every couple of hours) find myself praying desperately to God, to Vishnu, to Allah, to Jesus, to Zeus… to whatever deity that might be listening… that my Jekyll-Neil comes back soon.