Dear Mr Sandman...

I'm very used to having weird dreams. I'm okay with that. I'd rather have the downright odd dreams than the horrible nightmares. And the dating/sex dreams are definitely better than the horrible nightmares AND the odd dreams.

However, I have a bone to pick with you about your choice of Man. If I can't dream about Jensen Ackles or Ashton Kutcher, or Dr Who, I'm okay with dreaming about a Man I've actually met before. I'm even okay with dreaming about one of my Exes. But why, why, why, why, WHY?!! do I have to dream about the worst one? The one who was a huge mistake, and is now completely and utterly ugly and unattractive and unappealing?

Having said that, thank you for letting me dream about him as he was when I knew him. The first night was vaguely Memory-Lane-ish. The second night was a bit weird. The third night was getting odd. The fourth night was downright disturbing. I do have many other Exes that you could choose from. Much better looking and delicious and interesting ones. Some of whom I actually still give a crap about. If you could see your way clear to making tonight's dream about one of them, I'd be very appreciative.

Yours,

Colette (aged 29 and a half)

10 Days of Haikus

Today's haiku is a little less lighthearted than yesterday. Sorry. I'm feeling down.

Alone and lonely.
Desperate to be loved.
Destined for sadness.

Don't know what to title this...

It's 4 in the morning, and I'm awake. Not by choice. I want to be asleep. I was asleep until a couple of hours ago when my body decided that it was time to get up, whether I liked it or not.

So here I am. I know I haven't blogged in a while, and I don't really have an excuse. The good news is the Mammoth Secret Project is finished! It only took 15 months (which was 8 months too long), but it is now done! I can't reveal it just yet, because it hasn't been delivered. Look for the big reveal at some point in September.

It does mean that I can go back to working on Project 200 things though. I have one piece I've finished but haven't revealed yet, because it needs ironing and then I need to get Cayden to take a picture of me in it. But Project 200 is back on track. Having said that, I have got two more big things due soon. I need to have most of my Christmas presents done by early September for when I go down south next. And we plan to open the Etsy store in September, so I need to get lots of products done for that. So there will probably be no big significant work done on Project 200 until at least September - but I'm working occasionally on one or two pieces.

So that's where I am craftwise. In other news... well my lovelife is as dead and defunct as it has been for months. I'm still besotted with someone who switches between hot and cold every five seconds. Supposedly I'm going to stay with him for a few days in August, but judging from the tremendous Neil-triggered episode I had the other day, I'm not entirely sure it's a good idea. I want to talk about it, but I don't think I can. It's all confused and complicated in my head. The sensible part of me, not that it's very big, is constantly making snide little remarks. Probably very wise and clever remarks. But it is always completely overshadowed by the huge and strong part of me that loves him and doesn't want to give him up.

I was about to start writing about how my friend-life is going, and dieting, and family, and everything else. But that's really kinda dull. Nothing has changed. I'm hoping to get some changes in life in September. I'll be going back to Stitch and Bitch, and Role Playing, and other groups I've found.

My life is plodding along as it has been for years. I know what I want from my life, and I'm working towards getting those things. But it's slow, very slow, and I'm not so good at maintaining confidence.

I have no idea what I'm writing about now. I just have that common urge to write, and don't know what the hell to write about. And all that does is bring back writer's block frustrations.

ARGH! I want to be asleep. Either asleep, or eating large amounts of ice cream. I have no ice cream :(

Sorry for the misery

Hiya Internetz. Sorry about the lack of blogging. And I'm sorry that this blog will be a bit miserable too.

I haven't been blogging mostly because I haven't been finishing off any Project 200 crafts. I've been working on patterns and designs for my upcoming Etsy store, and project testing those patterns, and making other pieces to sell. I have been working on Project 200, it's just been small parts of big projects. I have restarted the Mammoth Secret Project. Well... I haven't "restarted" it, that would be insane. But I have started working on it again. I'm getting there. I'd like to have it finished by the start of September, so that I can deliver the bloody thing. That's all I'm working on this month. That and two or three cross stitch pieces. Nothing else. Not until the MSP is finished.

In the meantime... ouch. I have the plague. Well, I have the flu. Probably not even flu. More like a cold. But I don't do sick well. I do sick like a man. I feel like I'm dying. I have a completely stuffed head, a nose that can't decide if it's runny or stuffed, a stomach that gets queasy when I think about eating but that has me starving all the time. The light hurts. No energy. Can't stop sleeping. Mind you, that isn't all that different from normal.

I feel... wrong. I want nothing more than to be curled up in bed with a certain Lancashire Lad, watching a movie or something. And I can't have that. There's not much more in life that I want other than that. I wanted ice cream and milkshake earlier, and spent four hours mustering energy to go out to Sainsbury's, before I remembered that it was Sunday and the shops had been closed for hours. Wham. Depression. Because I wasn't in a bad mood already.

When I thought I was moving to Basingstoke, I scoured the internet looking for clubs and groups and societies and classes and things to get myself a social life. Checked out all the libraries and colleges and community centres and things. In the past week I've been doing the same thing for here, now that I've decided to stay. I'm going to start getting bus passes in September again, and go back to Stitch and Bitch at Keele, and restart Brownies, and join all these new groups. Get myself a social life. Give myself somewhere to go, make some new friends.

Except that right at this very moment, that seems like a really stupid thing to do. Yes, it kinda sucks being lonely. But it's safe. I can't get hurt or wound up or anything by people if I don't interact with any of them. People are evil. What I really want to do is stay the hell away from all of them.

I wish I could switch myself off. I don't mean that to sound suicidal, because it isn't meant to be. I'm not suicidal. I don't want to die. There are lots of things in life that I want, that I enjoy, that I look forward to. It's just that 90% of the time I'm not enjoying myself. I'm working hard, all the time, just to stay conscious and not collapse in a big pile of flesh and tears. I'm so tired of it. I want an off-switch. So I could just turn myself off right now, and wake up again when it's Christmas. Or when Neil is better and wants me again. Or when they've found a cure for depression.

I'm tired, and ill, and frustrated, and angry, and worried, and exceedingly uncomfortable and all I want is Neil. And then I feel worse, because I'm not meant to want him. He's just my friend now, nothing more. I shouldn't want him anymore than I want Cayden. But I do. I want Neil, and I want to stop feeling so shit all the bloody time.

My Pledge

Most of this will be of absolutely no interest to anyone who reads my blog, but it's my promise to myself, and I feel like if it is out in public then it's official and I have to stick to it.

So, I love New York City. I LOVE New York City. I've been a few times now. I went for my birthday for 10 days in 2005. And I went twice while I was out in Maine for four months in 2009. And I want to go back. All the time. Constantly! My ultimate dream is to live there one day. And I've decided that for my 30th birthday next year I'm going back. I've never been there WITH anyone before, but hopefully that'll happen in a few years when Cayden can afford it (we're going to cross off "Christmas in New York" from my bucket list). But I'm going back next year. Decision made.

Can I afford it? No.

Is that going to stop me? No.

Since last year my financial common sense has improved incredibly. I'm paying off my debts, slowly, and I'm paying my bills when I'm supposed to. I still owe quite a lot of money, and one debt that specifically gets on my mind is the money that I owe Neil. I'm currently going through a severe spring-cleaning phase and seling lots that I own on eBay. And I'm also opening an Etsy store in a few months that should make a bit of money.

I don't think any of this is coming out in any sense of order. Bear with me.

In 2010 I did that New Thing: Challenges thing, for the year. The reward system was that for every challenge I passed I got to save a certain amount of money, and for each challenge that I failed, I had to donate the same amount of money. Because I'm me, I didn't save or donate anything, but I did keep records of all the amounts. This year, I'm doing Project 200, and for each piece that I complete I get to save £1.50. There have been a few things that I was saving for, but New York has just overtaken all of them in importance.

I have a tin, that I save all the money in. And to make sure that I actually save, a good friend looks after the tin for me. So far this year I saved a bit of money, but had to break into it to pay my broadband bill last month. So the saving has restarted. But... every penny earned from eBay will go into the tin. Every penny earned from Etsy will go into the tin.

I'm also going to crack down on what I spend my money on each payday. I tend to buy a lot of crap. I'm going to write "New York" on my wallet, to remind myself why I'm saving. And I'm going to consciously think about whether or not I'm buying something because I WANT it or because I NEED it. (Yes, I know this is just everyday common sense, but I don't have any of that). All my spare money will go towards this trip.

Throughout this year, I'm clearing quite a few of my debts, too. Which means that I'll have more money every fortnight. Except that I won't. I'm going to stick to the bare basics I'm on now, and put the extra money towards the trip.

But (and here's where the pledge is important)... I still owe Neil quite a bit of money. I owe Jen a little, and my sister, and Cayden too. None of them will ever ask me for the money, even though every single one could use it. Especially Neil. And the money I owe him is actually quite a big amount. So... even if I have my flight paid off, and the hotel all booked, and all my dollars in my wallet...

I will not go to New York next year unless I have paid back Cayden, Jen and Jennie. And at least half of what I owe Neil.

All I have to do now is go and rewrite the list of stuff I have to do next payday. I'm now not buying quite a few bits, and I need to factor in a bus ticket to the blood donation centre. I wish they paid for blood in this country. And I wish I could have a garage sale. So much easier than eBay, and less fees.

Anyway... All this I pledge, in the name of New York City!

Angry

WARNING - THIS POST CONTAINS RANTS. THEY ARE SLIGHTLY NONSENSICAL. THERE IS BAD GRAMMAR AND SENTENCE STRUCTURE. THERE IS ALSO RANTING ABOUT SPECIFIC PEOPLE - PLEASE DO NOT GET MAD AT ME. THIS IS MY ONLY OUTLET.

I’m angry. I don’t know why I’m angry at the moment, when I’m usually sad, but I am! I’m angry damnit. I’m angry with the world.

I’m angry that stupid little injuries keep happening to me. I’m not as much of a klutz as the world makes me out to be. All I did was generously donate a bed frame to someone who needed it, and now I’m missing a freaking toenail for fuck’s sake! Despite spending the last decade of my life not taking care of myself properly, I do it right this time. I call medical professionals for advice, I clean and cover my wound. And then when I go to change the dressing, the stupid sodding gauze sticks to the fresh nail growing in and rips it fucking out! So now it’s freshly painful, and I have to keep in uncovered to let the nail grow in, which means cleaning it every two minutes to stop an infection coming in.

And I’m angry with my friends. One makes absolutely no effort to see me anymore. Now that she has her job, and her live-in boyfriend, she’s just not interested in me or our friendship. I can’t think of the last time she came round to see me without me inviting her, or without her wanting to use my parking space to get into town. She doesn’t text me first. She doesn’t message me or call me. I miss her. She’s my best friend. She’s the handprint on my heart. I know I’m not the easiest person to be friends with. I guess it’s understandable that she’d much rather spend her free time with her boyfriend.

I’m angry with my other friend too. A couple of weeks ago he was here literally non-stop for over a week. He was my lodger. I’m not complaining about that. I loved that. I love his company, and I love that he makes me less self-conscious about my foibles. Then he goes home to his parents for a weekend, and when he comes back everything has changed. He’s been sick, and depressed, and things are getting to him, but in nearly three weeks I’ve seen him once, and spoken to him only a few times. I feel like he’s avoiding me. I KNOW he isn’t, but it feels like it. And I’m angry at myself for being so paranoid and insecure, but I’m angry at him because he knows I’m insecure and paranoid and worry easily and... And there’s all kinds of mess with his participation in a Ravelry swap that I’m running, and I don’t want to push him because I know he’s depressed and that he can’t help it, but it’s frustrating me, and I’m getting flack from other Ravelers because I’m the moderator and I’m meant to do something. I’m just angry.

I’m angry with men in general actually. I belong to four social-networking/dating sites. I have on my profile, clearly stated, that I am only looking for friendship. So these men message me. I get the usual messages of men asking me for a fuck. I’m used to them. I ignore them. Then I get the fully grown men sending “hey bbe, wot u up 2”. What the hell is that? Aside from all the glaringly obvious issues, where the hell is the question mark? Then there are the ones that feel the need to message me and tell me I’m fat, or that I’m ugly. Why? What satisfaction can they possibly get from insulting a stranger? But you know what makes me the angriest? The ones who start a normal conversation. The ones who I respond to, and we get chatting, and we swap mobile numbers, and we keep texting, and we’re getting along nicely, and then they start flirting. Ok, I like to flirt. Then the flirting turns into much more than flirting, and I’m not comfortable, so I remind them that I’m only looking for friends. “That’s fine,” they say. “We can be friends.” Then I never bloody hear from them again. That makes me bloody angry.

I’m angry with life. What did I do in my past life to deserve having such shit piled on me this time round? Why do I deserve to be a depressive? Why do things keep going wrong? Why do things go wrong for the people I love? What in the hell did Neil do to deserve having his baby brother blown up? How the hell is that justified?

I’m angry with myself as well. I had this amazing plan for making products, and designing patterns, to sell in an Etsy store. I made a conscious decision to start designing things. Since then I’ve worked on a few patterns, but haven’t done a stitch of craftwork. Haven’t started any products for my Etsy store. Haven’t worked on any Project 200 pieces. None. And I don’t know why. I just don’t care. And that scares me, because crafting is all I have, and if I stop wanting to do that, what the hell am I going to do with my life?

I’m angry about weightloss too. I like the Weightwatchers plan. I was a bit miffed when they switched to this new complicated ProPoints scheme, but I got used to it. I learned to like it, I learned to use it. When I can afford to go regularly, Weightwatchers works for me. But it’s £6 a meeting, plus a £4 bus ticket to get there. That’s £10 a week. And they don’t let you skip meetings. You have to go EVERY SINGLE WEEK. So that’s £20 a month. After bills I only have £60-75 a fortnight to spend on gas, electric, groceries and catfood. That’s all the money I have. I can’t afford to do that. So when I found a set of bathroom scales that has a high enough weight limit for me, I was pleased. Yes, they’re a bit expensive. But I got them from a catalogue and I can pay them off at £2.40 a week. No more expensive Weightwatchers meetings. I stick to the plan and weigh at home once a week. Nice. Simple. The scales arrive and I weigh myself. Horrible number, but expected. I stick to the plan. I point my food. I behave myself damnit! And come the first weigh-in, I’ve put on 5lbs. 5lbs in 4 days. How the hell? None of my whole three friends are available for support or comfort, and I get depressed, and deal with it by binge eating. So now next weigh-in I’ll weigh even more. I hate it. I hate the whole bloody process.

I’m angry. Very angry. And it’s weird and different. I don’t do anger. I do misery, and depression, and gut-wrenching sorrow. But I’m none of those things. I want to cry, but it’s out of frustration, not sadness. I’m angry and I want to punch a bloody wall. I want to punch a person. I’m not violent, but I want to get violent with someone. I’m so angry with everything, and I don’t know what to do about it.

Desperate attempt at distraction

Hey there world. Right now I'm fighting those I-want-to-do-Something-Stupid feelings. And those of you who know me know what "Something Stupid" is code for. And since there isn't really anyone I can talk to, I'll tell my blog instead. Not that anybody really reads this. I don't even know why I keep posting. It's a diary, basically, and not even one I can be completely honest in. Sometimes I feel like I should just give it up, and go get a notebook. Go back to being private. At least in a notebook I could scribble down exactly what's bothering me and not be vague and semi-secretive.

For instance, there are some issues with my family. Chaotic, big, messy issues that I can't escape from. But I can't talk about it freely on here. Because I don't know if any of the people involve will ever come on here. Not to mention that it's an issue with a minor, and there are probably lots of legal issues involved. Besides, if I said that I was planning on kidnapping my baby sister, there would be all kinds of uproar. But it's driving me crazy. I moved 200 miles away to get away from family, and I'm still messed up in everything. And I wish so much that I could just forget about it, and pretend it doesn't all exist, but I can't do that. Because it's a big fucking great big mess and I worry too much and can't switch my sodding brain off.

And it's not just the family issues. It's everything. And I mean everything! At all times of the day I have a million things being worried about in my head. I worry that I can't stop Lexie peeing on the damn bed. I worry that someone I care about it is going to get mugged or attacked randomly. I worry about the floods in Memphis - I don't even know anyone in flipping Memphis. I worry about the friends of a friend who live in Japan. I worry about being depressed forever. I worry about having to throw away some milk because it's expired, but I shouldn't be throwing food away cos there are people in the world starving. I worry about my current situation with Neil. I worry about whether or not my friends are still talking to me when I haven't heard from them in a day or two. I worry that Smudge isn't happy anymore. I worry about whether the pain in my chest is a heart attack or angina or something. I worry about whether that headache is a migraine. I worry about whether or not I make too much noise for my downstairs neighbour. I worry about whether that low rumble is thunder, or a truck, or a bomb gearing up to explode somewhere. I worry about EVERYTHING. All the freaking time. And the only thing that stops it is sleep. Except for when the worrying becomes nightmares and I wake up crying, or sweating, or shaking. It sucks. I want a lobotomy.

And I'm just generally feeling crappy at the moment. I've been episodey for a week, and every day some new little thing happens that just makes me feel worse. Like the baking. In the past few days I've made peanut butter muffins, a delicious toad-in-the-hole and an absolutely exquisite apple crumble. And I've had no one to share it with. I'm developing this skill and talent and delight in baking, but I have no one to bake for. So I can make the Butter Pecan cookies I have a recipe for, but there's no one to try them, and eating them all by myself probably isn't good for me either.
I'm so pathetic and lonely I have no one to bake for.

And lonely is definitely the word for it. I have three friends. Three fucking friends! One of them is my ex-boyfriend I shouldn't even be talking to, anyway. One of them is very busy caught up in work and in moving in with her boyfriend and I've barely seen her in months. The other one went home for two weeks and I missed his company like crazy, and was really excited for when he got back, but he's barely spoken to me since and I know he's injured himself and is busy, but I'm crazy and paranoid and insecure and I feel like he's mad at me or is avoiding me. So I worry about that.

And I'm not dealing so well with the Neil thing. I love him. Every single part of me loves him. I love him as much as I did when we first met. My heart still does flippity flops when I look at pictures of him, or when I see a text from him on my phone. And yes, I was unhappy with the situation we were in, but I am so much more unhappy without him. I hate that he's not a part of my life anymore. I hate it. I want to take it back. I want to go back to how we were. And as much as not talking to him would kill me, talking to me is kind of killing me too. I have to be careful about what I say to him, for the first time since before we met. I've never, ever, had to think about holding back before. I've always been able to tell him absolutely anything. And now we talk, and we're friends, but I can't tell him that I miss him like crazy and want so much to be in his arms. I can't tell him that I love him.

I kinda hate life as it is at the moment. I'm rapidly heading out of episodey and right slap bang into Episode. There are several things I know can get me out of it, and I can't get any of them. I can't get compliments or cuddles from Neil. I'm out of ice cream, and the chocolate in the fridge is designated for those cookies. I can either have the three cans of ravioli in the cupboard, or use my grocery money to buy a curry, or more ingredients for ice cream. Or I can do Something Stupid. And right now, Something Stupid is incredibly appealing. Other alternative, curling up and crying myself to sleep. I'm good at that. I do it a lot.

State of life at the moment

I have a horrible headache. Evil, migraine-like, headache. Aside from that...

I have just officially reapplied to Keele. I finally got a reference for my UCAS application, and I finished my icky, evil personal statement. Paid the stupid fee, and the application is sent off.

I regret dropping out of Keele last year. I messed it up, and I hate myself for that. If I'd had the student loan years I would have switched degrees instead of just dropping out. But you only get five years of student loan, and I used 1 doing half an HND a while ago. So I had to drop out.

However... a while ago Cayden told me he'd heard a rumour that only the tuition fee loan has a limit. In theory, I can get unlimited maintainence loans. I called the Student Loan people and confirmed this. It's up to one person to review my application and make the decision. If I can get a student loan, I can pay the tuition fee with that, and use my incapacity benefit to exist as I have been... but back at University.

But there are a lot of "if"s. Keele might not accept me. Even if they do, the Student Loan people might not give me any money. If there's no money, I can not afford to go back. And this is the last year possible for this opportunity. Starting next year tuition fees go up to £9000 a year, which is waaayyy too much.

There's not a lot I can do now but wait. If I get a consideration letter from Keele I can apply for the Student Loan. Just gotta wait for that letter.

I've applied to do Film Studies with Media, Communications and Culture. Bit of a mouthful, isn't it? But I have a history in film and media, and it's something I'd enjoy. As long as no one tries to make me get in front of the camera. But we'll see.

There is another possible with this. If I get accepted into Keele, I could have the chance to do Study Abroad all over again. IF the Study Abroad department lets me. I'm going to Keele regardless of whether I spend that semester in England or in America, but the chance to have that do-over would be incredible. I've wanted to study in America since I was five. I wanted to go to Kindergarten, and Junior High and High School and College. It was item number 1 on my bucket list, and I blew it. I completely wasted the opportunity that I was given in 2009, and I hate myself for that. If I get the chance to do it again, I'm going to do my damnedest to not blow it.

It'll be harder financially, but Cayden is helping me save. Every spare pound I get goes to him and he puts it in a tin for me. When I get Student Loans, I'll pay tuition fee, and get a bus ticket, but the rest of it will go to him to save for study abroad. But that's a whole other IF. And not one I need to think about for a while.

In the meantime... I'm still working on Project 200. Lots of crafting going on at the moment. There are six works in progress just within my eyesight, another one that just needs some buttons adding to it, and another that I'm about to start.

I have a daily routine. Admittedly I slept a bit late today, but I've had Cayden here for two weeks and he's helped me get into a routine of getting up no later than 11.30 and going to bed no later than 12.30. I'm gonna try and stick to that now that he's gone, but no guarantees.

There are a lot of other thoughts and emotions and things that are going on in me right now, mostly about Neil. I'm not quite sure how to begin to express them, because I'm very conscious of who reads this blog, and who doesn't. I'm still talking to Neil. I've been talking to him a lot recently, flirting and chatting, and discussing some emotional stuff. And certain people don't approve of that. I know they're just worried about me getting hurt again, but I'm.... Aaarrrggghhhh. It's a mess. It's hard to describe how I feel. And I KNOW that I'm just asking to end up hurting again as long as I keep talking to him, but I can't stop, and I don't want to. Urgh. Maybe my thoughts about this will make a little more sense in a few days. Highly unlikely, but maybe.

How I'm Feeling Right Now

Shit. Crap. Rubbish. Lonely. Stupid. Miserable. Pathetic.

There. That's how I'm feeling right now. I was feeling much better than that earlier. Chatting on MSN with a handsome Scotsman. And by "chatting" I mean "flirting". Made me feel lovely. But then he decided to do a disappearing act, and now I feel foolish and pathetic.

Smudge is still hissing at Lexie. Lexie is the new kitten, by the way. They haven't fought, and Lexie doesn't run and hide. She'll stand her ground, hair on end, not looking happy while Smudge hisses and growls and hisses and growls. And I know that it'll wear off, even though it might take a few weeks, but I'm tired and upset and the hissing is really grating on my nerves.

I'm lonely. I don't have a lot of family I'm close to, but even the ones I could hang out with are hundreds of miles away. One of my three friends has been far too busy for me in months, and hasn't been bothered to check on me since I broke up with Neil. I think the second friend is asleep. And the third friend is Neil - who I think has decided we shouldn't be talking, since he hasn't replied in a day or two. Plus, I can't really talk to him about how I feel.

That's it. All my sources of comfort and support and distraction. I like my own company; I like having control over everything in my home and things. And in a social situation I'd much rather be with a few close friends somewhere quiet than with hundreds of people in a nightclub or a festival. But right now, when I feel lost and pathetic, I just feel alone and horrible. How pathetic am I that the only cuddles and comfort I can get is from cats?

Pure and Fresh

Someone called me "pure and fresh" today. Not exactly how I'd describe myself. I'm not entirely sure how I'd describe myself. Right now I'm probably more likely to use words like "alone" and "miserable" and "a mess". I'm not doing so well. The crying fits have stopped. Aside from a binge-day last week, and a minor cutting session, I'm not taking it out on myself physically. Just a lot of feeling very very miserable.

It appears that I've developed a "thing". When a big relationship ends I cut my own hair. When Michael dumped me, waayyy back in 2002, I got frustrated with my hair during an episode and tried to cut it. Didn't work, and I ended up shaving my head. This time I didn't end up bald. And to be honest, cutting the hair wasn't so much to do with Neil, as convenience. I'm still having issues with NPower, and have no gas or hot water. I can have stand up washes in front of my little electric heater, but it's been impossible to wash my hair. I've been going weeks and weeks at a time without doing anything to it, and it was nearly always matted and knotted and horrible. I got annoyed with it. Brushed it out, chopped it to my ears, and washed it in the kitchen sink. Feels sooo much better. It's now too short to tie back and ignore, and short enough for me to wash with a kettleful of water. It's just coincidental timing that it happened at the end of a relationship.

Aside from that, I'm slowly getting my routine back together. I feel like the entire inside of my body is a big pit of despair and misery, but I'm getting out of bed, and I'm crafting, and I'm washing up, and so on. My leaving-the-house has been reduced back to never. And my sleeping pattern is completely out of whack. But I'm okay. I'll be okay. Eventually. Maybe.

Lonely

On Saturday I broke up with Neil. I loe him with my whole heart, and would do anything to spend more time with him. He isn't bothered by the fact that he hasn't seen me since the end of July. It's been lopsided for years, and I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I hate that I did it, and I wish I could take it back. But it was the right thing to do. It hasn't been right since the first time we split up... way back in 2008. I just... I'm deluded.

But I miss him like crazy. I want to text him and take it back :( I'm generally fine during the day. Yesterday I got up and did the usual things I do. I did some housework and some crafting and some paperwork and things. Went to bed at a usual time, and cried for four straight hours. Was not pretty.

And I'm lonely. I'm pretty sure one of my friends isn't talking to me too. I don't know what I've done, but they aren't really responding to my messages, vanished off MSN when I logged on earlier, and hasn't mentioned my breaking up with Neil.

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry right now.

He wouldn't have wanted to be called a hero

Hey there internets. It's me again, obviously. You know, I was going to go to sleep hours and hours ago. It was cold in here, so I crawled into bed to stay warm and was going to go to sleep around 8 or 9ish. But then I pressed this lethal little button...



And I got trapped. Ended up Stumbling for an hour or so, and went through being tired to being wide awake again. I tried to sleep again an hour ago, but now I can't sleep. This time I have something specific on my mind. Out of nowhere, I can't stop thinking about Paul.

Paul Warren was Neil's younger brother. He was a Marine, and he died in Afghanistan last year. I didn't know him all that well, and I regret that now. I don't know why he's on my mind so much tonight, but he is. I've been thinking about whether or not there's a War Memorial nearby that perhaps I could go place a flower on. I don't know what else to do. What do you do when someone dies? What do you do when it's someone so incredibly important to the people that you love, but who you didn't really know?

I do wish I'd spoken to him more. I don't go to Neil's place that often, and Paul was barely there. When he was I did what I always do while I'm there and hide in Neil's room. I've never really spoken much to his other brother, Richard, or his parents. I feel bad about that. I want to. I want to talk to them more. I want to get to know them. Hopefully they're going to be my family one day. I'd like to be able to know something about them.

I'm rambling. I know I'm not making any sense. I just have all these thoughts and things floating around in my head, and where else should I spill them but right here?

From what Neil's told me about Paul, he wouldn't be impressed with flowers. He's had his name put on memorials, and all kinds of honours and things, and Neil finds it amusing, because Paul would have hated it. It sounds to me like Paul was a lot like Neil. Except that my darling boyfriend would never be brave enough to go fight a war. He's a big wussy, like me.

While I was laying in my bed completely unable to sleep, and thinking about Paul, lines of possible poetry started to drift through my brain. "The hero who was almost my brother." But that's wrong. Really wrong. I don't think he would have liked to have been called a hero. He was. The man was a hero. I read all the news articles about him after his death, and the Ministry of Defence press release. And the things that he did... he was a hero. But he wouldn't have seen it like that. He was doing his job. His unit worked on the security for the base.

"In singling out Marine Paul Warren, this accolade rightly describes a man who volunteered and acted as point man for every patrol which his section undertook in Sangin; in my eyes these men, 'on point', are the bravest of the brave.

"To Paul Warren, this was a matter of duty. Being the experienced man, who had patrolled Sangin before, he saw fit that it would be he, and only he, who would lead his section on patrol in Sangin; in volunteering for this he knew only too well the risks that were associated."

I... I'm overwhelmed completely by sadness at the moment, and I don't know how to deal with it. I want so desperately to go and hug Neil. I can't imagine anything ever happening to Michaela or Jennie. I feel this sadness for someone I barely knew. The pain and heartbreak that Neil must face everyday... and he doesn't mention it at all. Not to me at least.

I'm still not making any sense. I wish I... Aaarrrggghhhh. I don't know what to say. I used to be pretty good at getting what I was thinking out into actual words. Now I've just become blocked and stuffed up and confused.

Paul Warren was a good man. Never to me, but he was. He was a soldier, and every single man or woman that goes out there to do their duty and serve their country is a hero. I wish I could think of some way to express how much gratitude I have for them. I wish I could think of some way to show myself, and Neil, and the world how much Paul will be thought of, and how much he will be missed.

Bit of a rant, but then some good news

I'm not sure if I've written about it, but I've been having trouble with my gas supplier. I have prepayment meters, and I was putting in £15 on a payday, and it was all gone within three or four days. It was ridiculous. So I contacted my supplier (NPower) about switching back to a normal meter. No. I have to have had a prepayment meter for a year before I can switch back. Right. So can I reduce the amount of arrears I'm paying maybe? No. I'm already paying the minimum.

So, I applied to a different company (Eon) to switch over. It was going to take 6 weeks or so, and in the meantime I refused to keep paying NPower ridiculous amounts of money. So I moved my mattress into the living room, where I have a small electric heater. This was in early November. I did washing up by boiling the kettle six times. I used a kettle of water to have stand up washes in front of the electric heater. I cooked with the microwave. It wasn't ideal, but it worked. Occasionally I'd put a tenner on the gas to do some laundry, and have a bath. The meter would take two thirds of whatever I put on for the debt, and give me one third for actual gas.

Over Christmas I was informed that my switch over was blocked because I owed NPower money. So I called them, and they said I needed to give them permission to sell my debt to Eon. I did that, and then called Eon to sort it out. They had to restart the whole process, so it was going to take another six weeks. End of January I get another letter telling me the switch over has been blocked again.

Soooo, I call NPower. The debt I have with them can be transferred, but I can't switch over as long as there is a debt ON the meter. Which, considering I haven't been using the damn thing, there is. To clear that debt I needed to put the full amount on, PLUS another third, because it always leaves me with a third of whatever I put on for gas. I asked the man on the phone how much I'd need to put on for standing charges and debt recovery, without using any gas. £7 a week. Oh, and did I mention that I get penalised for putting money on fortnightly instead of weekly? Oh yeah. How stupid is that. I get paid fortnightly, but their machines work weekly so they want me to top up weekly. Idiots.

After I'd burst into tears and hung up on the guy, I called Eon. Maybe they could switch me over instantly once I'd cleared the meter, so I wouldn't have to rack up more debt. They were very very nice. The guy said that if I called back once I cleared it, he'd activate the switch over for me right there, instead of sending it into a queue. It'd take three weeks instead of six. I asked him about their standing charges. They don't have one! NPower charge me £4 a week for the priviledge of being their sodding customer! Evil sods.

The situation was this: to start the switch over, I had to put £60 on the gas meter. This is way more than half of what I get a fortnight, but it needed to be done. So payday comes around, and I get £60 on the gas card, and a little bit of money on the electric (because I wouldn't need to use the heater so I wouldn't need as much), and spend the rest on groceries. £60. To cover the debt, plus the third which was the £14 I'd need to cover standing charges and debt recovery until my next payday, which left me with £5ish of actual gas.

I get home, put the card in the meter and it doesn't do anything. It beeps. It recognised the card's existence, and then did nothing. I called NPower, and they sent out an engineer, who informs me that my card has been corrupted. I call NPower back... they want me to go across town to a shop I can't afford to get to in order to get a replacement card. As for the £60? They're going to send me an SAE, I send them back the card, once they receive it they'll process it, they'll write me a cheque and send it to me, and once I receive it I can pay it into the bank and once it clears I'll have my £60 to put on the damn gas meter. That's gonna take 3 weeks... minimum. In which time I'll rack up at least another £15 quid in debt. And in the meantime I have no gas, barely any electric, and no freaking money.

NPOWER ARE EVIL!!! A friend of mine lives in the bottom half of a house with her husband and their cat. They both work all day so they're out of the house most of the time, and NPower are charging them £60 a month for gas. That's about £10 less than another friend pays for their five-bedroom house. NPOWER ARE EVIL!!!!

As you can see, I'm a little bit frustrated by all this. I'd been hoping to have switched over to Eon by the new year. We're going into March in two days and I still have no gas. By the time the switch over is done, I won't even need any sodding heat. I'm incredibly angry with NPower, and just generally frustrated and cheesed off with the whole situation. It's like a huge weight on my shoulders. Generally my money situation isn't too bad. I'm broke, but I'm paying off my debts and I'm getting things sorted, but this gas thing really isn't helping.

But... and here's the good news... I realised something today. My life isn't that bad. I'm stressed about NPower, but aside from that, things are pretty good. I don't have a job, but I like my life. It'd be nice to have extra money from a job, but I manage, and I don't think I'd cope with the responsibility of working. I like having the freedom to do what I want. I love my flat, and I love all my stuff, and I love my cat, and my friends. One friend in particular who's really been here for me a lot recently. Neil is really trying to communicate better, and I love waking up to messages like "hey boobalicious" and "you're gorgeous when you smile." My depression is being managed well. I've had a few funky days - where I just haven't had the oomph to do anything - but I'm good. I'm doing housework! My whole house is nice and tidy and clean. I'm even keeping it clean, instead of my usual trick of cleaning once a year. I'm getting out and about. Not socialising really, but I'm leaving the house, which is a start.

I have my issues, but who doesn't? Life is good. And it's good to realise that.

Also, NPower is evil.

A post that's not about Project 200

Hey there Internet peoples. I haven't done much blogging recently that hasn't just been posting my FOs. I guess I've been trying not to think too much about the things that are bothing me. And when I blog, no matter how positive I try to be, I end up on the bad things. Let's just brush that aside right now and say that I miss Neil so much my heart is constantly aching. Also, that I'm utterly broke, and still have no gas.

Right, on to better stuff.

I'm settling into a better routine now. I've actually been getting up in the morning, and leaving the bed, and going back to it at nightime. Like normal people. I've even been doing some housework. In fact, aside from the kitchen, my place looks pretty good. Tidy, organised, hoovered. And I'm doing well at keeping it that way too. I just need to tackle the kitchen next, which will be easier when I have some hot water later today. And a bath! My god, I am so looking forward to having a bath. I may just stay in there all week.

I'm getting lots of crafting done. I know I said I wasn't going to mention it, but I've just finished projects 20 and 21 of Project 200, and that pushes me past the 10% barrier. I'm on a roll. I've even done two projects that weren't part of Project 200. In between the crafting and the housework, I've been ignoring the math workbook I started, and all the writing exercises I want to do. But I'm keeping myself busy.

I'm even exercising. Lol. How many of you fell over reading that?

I want a dog. While I was at Mum's over Christmas, two of her friends got puppies. And I decided that I'm sick of being told I shouldn't get a dog. Everyone says I wouldn't be able to look after it, and I wouldn't take it out. Believe it or not, I am aware that dogs need taking for walks and can't use litter trays and need feeding. I may not be very good at taking care of myself, but I'm actually pretty good at taking care of other people. So I decided to screw everyone else, and that I'm getting a dog, damnit.

I have considered Smudge. Over Christmas she wasn't exactly friendly with Mum's dog Gracie, but they managed. And they'd have settled eventually. When I introduced the neighbour's puppy to her, she wasn't too bothered. The conclusion being that as long as I get a puppy, or a dog that's smaller than her, Smudge will be fine. It'll take a long time, but I've done the reading and I know what I need to do to introduce them and acclimatise them together. I'm making plans to start buying cans of dog food when I have money, so I can get a stock together for my future puppy.

And then there's the Puppy Plan. A dog will need taking out first thing in the morning to go potty, and last thing at night, and about an hour after dinner. It will also need a decent length walk during the day for exercise. I am the first to admit that I don't go out that much. I don't go out at all, actually. And the Puppy Plan is to correct that...

Starting this monday just gone, I'm walking round the block last thing at night.

Starting next monday, I'll be walking around the block first thing in the morning too.

The week after I'll start getting up a little earlier (at the moment I'm getting up before 11.)

The week after that I'm gonna lengthen the nighttime walk.

The week after that I'll be adding a round the block walk an hour after dinner.

The week after that I'll extend the morning walk.

And the week after that I plan to start getting up before 9.30 (I'm not sure a puppy could hold it in til 11), and extending the morning walk to puppy exercise length.

That's the Puppy Plan. And although it's only three days old, so far it's going well. Back when I wanted kids, the fact that I wouldn't be able to conceive unless I lost weight wasn't enough of an incentive. But this is really getting me motivated.

I've ALWAYS wanted a dog. I'm a dog person. I've just only ever had cats because they were convenient at the time. Lol. It'll be difficult to get a dog. Shelters won't let me rehome a dog, because I don't have a garden. And I'll have to save lots of money to buy one, so it'll be a while yet. Plenty of time to collect dog food, and a collar, and a leash, and bowls, and a bed, and dog treats (and cat treats too, for placating and soothing). Plenty of time to get into the habit of walking more. And even without a dog, the exercise isn't going to hurt me, is it?

Generally things are okay. I'm not happy happy all the time, but I'm reasonably content. The only thing missing is Neil. :( But I'm not getting into that.

I'll try and blog actual text more often :P

Reasons Why I Feel Crappy Right Now...

1) I'm homesick. Really homesick. I've been in Basingstoke at my Mum's house since December 22nd. That's 27 days. I don't think I've been with her and/or Michaela for that long in a decade. Normally I'm only down here for a week. Two at the most. And I have this threshold that I tend to reach where I just can't stand being here anymore. It took longer than normal to reach it, only yesterday, but I'm definitely there. I want to go home. Unfortunately I'm here for another 7 days.

2) I miss Neil. Like crazy. I haven't seen him since July, and I have absolutely no idea when I'll see him again. We're both ridiculously broke.

3) I'm trying not to think about our anniversary in February, because I don't want to get my hopes up, only for him to not be able to make it. But I'm failing. It means a lot to me, and it's going to be horrible, just like last year. I'm going to be spending our anniversary alone, anger, bitter and miserable again.

4) I have some kind of indigestion/acid reflux/heartburn thing. I'm tired and want to sleep, but when I lie down I get ridiculously uncomfortable. And I can't stop belching.

5) Michaela and Mum are constantly yelling at each other. There are big problems, and I don't know how to fix them. I try not to get involved. I tend to just sit here rocking back and forth like a loony-person.

6) I'm out of the constant slow-release painkillers that my doctor has me on, and the doctor down here won't prescribe me any, so I'm pretty constant pain from my ankle and my head and my back.

7) As I mentioned before, I'm broke. I screwed up one of my money things again, and have actually handed control of my bank accounts over to my sister. Standing orders are set up for all my debts and my bills, and the remainder gets sent to another account for me. A pitiful amount, from which I have to get gas, electric, pet food, human food, etc. It's miserable.

8) I miss all my stuff.

9) I desperately want chocolate, but there is none. I'm currently munching my way through the shortbread Mum got for Christmas, and contemplating the tub of raspberry ripple icecream in the freezer.

10) Mum's smoking is giving me a sore throat and a cough.

11) I have to do some work with DPNs to finish off my next Project 200 piece, and I'm dreading it.

I'm just generally in a shitty mood. In the interest of fairness though, here are the reasons why I don't feel crappy right now:

1) My cat has become a lot less of a scaredy cat, and is willing to socialise.

2) I have shortbread and icecream.

So, that was 2010...

It's over. Well, not quite. Technically there's still six hours left of it for me, but I honestly can't see me moving off the sofa for it. I've had a really exhausting day. It'll be a miracle if I even make it to midnight.

Anyway, last year I had a lot of plans for 2010. If you don't wanna read that post, I'm about to list the highlights, and how I did.

Be better with money

Ummmmm. Well, in spring I had a major breakdown money-wise. There was a Brownies thing, and a rent thing, and then there was a selling the Wii and tv thing, and it was a big depressing mess. A few months later I handed my finances over to my mum and asked for help. She called everyone I owe money to, and all my bills and things, and arranged for me to pay them. Now I have lots of standing orders going out on payday. It's been a little tough having hardly any money. I mean, I have enough. After all the bills, and gas and electric, I usually have £20-30 ish to play with, and to get food (per fortnight). That's not bad. But considering when I didn't pay any bills I had £200ish to play with, it's a bit of a drop. I'm getting used to it. As far as the resolution goes, I'm actually doing it. When I asked mum for help, the original plan was to hand control of my internet banking over to her or my sister, so I couldn't delete or change the standing orders. But there was a delay in some of the bills and things, and I never got around to it. But I've been paying the bills, not fiddling with the standing orders. Which for me is a huge improvement. I've paid off one debt already. By the end of 2011, I should only have one or two huge ones left.

Start saving

Not so good. I have difficulty saving anyway, and then with the money issues this year it's been impossible. With Project 200, I'll be saving via Cayden or Jen, and maybe I can give them some extra money too.

Pay damn bills

See above comment about money

Classes and courses and groups

In that post last year I listed a hundred different classes and courses and interest groups I was going to go to. I never got to any of them. I haven't had money to go anywhere other than on pay day really, and I've settled back into my old routine of not leaving the house. But I don't mind. I don't have anywhere to go, and I have plenty to keep me busy. It's not like I lounge on the couch watching tv all day. I do a lot.

Lose weight

I did go back to Weightwatchers. I went at the end of April and discovered that I very nearly hit that 30 stone threshold, but not quite. It was a shock, so I made an effort. I couldn't afford to go every week, but I went roughly once a fortnight. I lost a total of 18 lbs by the start of September, but then I had the big money decrease and haven't been able to afford it. I plan to go back in the New Year now I have a tiny bit of extra money.

Swimming

Nope. Never happened. I'd still like it to, but I'm highly doubtful it'll happen this year.

More writing

I have been doing some writing, but not nearly as much as I used to, or as I'd like to be doing. On my daily checklist, I have down to either do some math from a GCSE book I'm working through, or to do some writing. Trouble is, I've been counting blogging as doing writing. I'll change that.

Weekly photography missions

These never happened either. Although I do still like the idea. I may try it again this year. Perhaps not 50 pictures a week. I'll do 10 a week; much more manageable.

New incarnation of 52 New Things

I did this one! I completed 52 challenges. Well, I documented them all, I didn't necessarily complete them all. I'm quite proud of myself for that, and for last year. I don't normally manage to maintain a project, let alone one that lasts a year, and I've managed to keep these up for two years now. The new incarnation for 2011 is Project 200.

Moving

I did this! I moved on January 16th, and I love my flat. It gets a little lonely, but I have my Smudge....



...and I'd much rather be lonely occasionally than be in shared accomodation again. I love not having to compromise with anyone.

Keep my depression at a handleable level

Now this one is debateable. I've had a LOT less episodes than years past, but I've also been finding that my depression has been manifesting differently, so I'm not entirely sure. I haven't been suicidal quite as often, and I haven't self-harmed very much. But my dermotillomania is off the charts, and all my energy and oomph has a tendency to just vanish and leave me staring at the wall for hours at a time.

Stay with Neil

It has been a VERY rough year. Especially for Neil, with the loss of his brother, and a full year of episoding. His episode finally subsided a month or two ago, and his grief over Paul kicked in. He's had it hard. And relationship-wise it's been hard on me, because I've only seen him a few times. The last time was the end of July. But we're still together. I still love him with all my heart, and I'm still planning to stay with him through whatever life throws at us.

Be happy

I wouldn't say I'm 100% happy. There is still a lot in my life that I'd change if I could, and some stuff that I can change and that I'm trying my hardest to. But I can say that I'm content.

There's been developments that I didn't consider last year. It's been a year of pets. I haven't been too successful with them. When I moved, mum gave me a kitten. Tippi. Who turned out to be a boy, so he was Alfred Hitchcock, aka Alfie.



And then I got a rabbit to go with him. Sir Reginald Fortescue, aka Reggie.



But then Alfie escaped while I was down at Mum's one weekend, and I couldn't find him. And then my landlady decided she didn't want me to have a rabbit, so we took Reggie to the rehoming centre at PetsMart. So I was petless, which was not good. Then I got Pixel.



She was found by someone as a stray, with lots of little kittens. They took her in, but couldn't keep her, so I had her. Then I got Smudge, who is quite possibly the cutest cat I've ever had.



But Pixel tried to eat Smudge. Pixel really didn't enjoy being an indoors cat at all. She was always loud and restless and trying to escape, so I rehomed her with someone who could let her be an outdoor cat. Now I just have Smudge, but hopefully that's changing soon - there's a plan for kittens.

And the baking. I've developed a fascination with baking. No idea what triggered it, it just happened. Now I'm obsessed with it. The muffins! I've made six batches of muffins since I've been down here at Mum's. I made sausage and cheese ones Christmas day, and chilli and sweetcorn ones. Then I made gingerbread muffins. The gingerbread ones were so good one of mum's friends requested her own batch, so I made more of those. And yesterday I made more sausage and cheese ones because we had sausagemeat left. Today I made banana and walnut ones which were also delicious. But that's it! No more muffins til next year! Mind you, we went to Hobbycraft yesterday and I got cookie cutters, so I might make cookies next.

It's been a long and hard year. I hope 2011 is better, for everyone. Best wishes from me and Smudge.

Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

Despite being laughed at, I still believe in Christmas, and in Magic and in you. I do know that you only have time to read the letters of children though, so I haven't written you anything in quite a few years now. But this year, I'm hoping that one of your elves will read my blog and pass on my messages.

I'm going to be at my Mum's house for Christmas, as usual, but the weather here is really bad at the moment, so please drive your sleigh carefully. And make sure you wear all your layers.

My wish list for this year is small, and reasonably practical. I need more yarn. Actually, that's not quite a whole-truth. I have plenty of yarn, I don't NEED any more, but I could always find a use for more! Especially soft purple stuff, since I used all mine on the Mammoth Secret Project.

And I've been working hard on my baking this year, so I'd like cookie cutters and baking trays and icing equipment and things. I promise that next year I'll leave you some handmade cookies. I might even manage it this year, if my sister helps me.

My final wish is something a little less tangible. I'd like for Neil's family to have a good Christmas. It's going to be hard on them this year, and I hope they can still enjoy themselves.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, Santa! Give my best wishes to Mrs Claus and the reindeer and the elves.

Cleo, aged 28.

Food Fridays

Last weekend I did quite a lot of cooking. I made copious amounts of a delicious Frank and Bean Chowder, to freeze for future meals. I made one batch, and liked it so much I brought the ingredients to make three more batches. But man, I could quite happily eat it all. The stuff is scrumptious.

Baking wise, I had a go at some basic chocolate chip cookies. I got some nice Hotel Chocolatier chocolates from Neil (sort of) that came with a pack of their 70% dark chocolate chips, so I used those. And to make things different I added a splash of peppermint. They were amazing. I LOVE mint chocolate stuff.

New Thing: Challenge 46

Challenge 46 - live diurnally for 2 weeks

My body naturally leans towards nocturnal living. No matter how long I've been awake, or how rested I am, I am ALWAYS much happier, more alert and active during the night time. Since I have no job, no college, no dependents, I don't really see a problem with living that way. I can do pretty much everything online these days, so living nocturnally is a viable way of life.

The only thing that bothers me is that my friends and family aren't nocturnal, so when I sink into a habit of going to bed at dawn, and waking up around 5-6pm, I don't get to see or speak to anybody very much. Particularly Neil, who goes to bed the second he gets home from work. So every so often I try to get into a "proper" routine. I usually fail.

This week I decided to set a challenge to stay diurnal for two weeks. I failed. Miserably. Day 1 I woke up ill, and that was the end of it.

I'm not too disappointed, to be honest. I've managed to stay not-quite-as-nocturnal, and with my new sofa and computer chair I'm keeping to a better routine than I was.

Current saved total: £85
Current donated total: £145

New Thing: Challenge # 45

Challenge 45 - Survive my sister's wedding without having an episode

On Friday November 5th 2010, my baby sister Jennie got married.



She's known Joe for a million years, and he's always been considered my brother-in-law, so this was just a formality really. But I'm so happy for her and have been for months. They're currently on their honeymoon in Florence.

However... I have big issues with my family. And I have some envy issues with Jennie. I haven't seen most of my family in 6-10 years. I've never met my three nieces or my nephew. I haven't spoken to my father in years, and when I do he treats me like a stranger. And my stepmother goes out of her way to make my life hell. Oh, and two of my ex-boyfriends were going to be there. So I've spent months being terrified about this wedding. I've had nightmares nearly every night. Jen and Neil were both invited, but Neil couldn't make it. So Jen had to support me on her own. I wasn't sure how the wedding would go, but I was pretty sure that I'd end up crying miserably, or having an episode.

But I didn't. No episode. It was a very emotional day. During the ceremony I sobbed like a baby, and felt guilty because only half of it was happiness for Jennie and Joe. A lot of my ceremony-based crying was sadness and misery for myself because I wasn't sure something like that would ever happen to me. But it was a good day. My father ignored me. Said no more than four words to me. I think my stepmother actually said more. But every single member of the rest of the family greeted me with love and happiness. One of my uncles, my favourite uncle, bounded into the church like a big puppy, and clamboured over Jen and Michaela so he could give me a cuddle. My brothers all made an effort to come and talk to me, and introduce me to their families. This was especially important to me, because techincally they aren't my brothers. My father is my stepdad, my stepmother is my stepstepmother and my brothers are her sons, who are technically no relation. But despite all the hassles we've had, I still think of them as my brothers, and it made my heart swell to realise that they still think of me as their sister.

And their children are the most adorable little kiddlings I've ever met. Especially Lucas. My god he's so amazing. He's not even a year old yet, and I want to run away with him!

Anyway, the upshot is, that the wedding wasn't half as bad as I thought it was going to be, and I didn't have an episode. Yes, I'm jealous of Jennie and Joe, but I'm incredibly pleased for them, and can't wait til they have kiddies :-)

Current saved total: £85
Current donated total: £140