State of life at the moment

I have a horrible headache. Evil, migraine-like, headache. Aside from that...

I have just officially reapplied to Keele. I finally got a reference for my UCAS application, and I finished my icky, evil personal statement. Paid the stupid fee, and the application is sent off.

I regret dropping out of Keele last year. I messed it up, and I hate myself for that. If I'd had the student loan years I would have switched degrees instead of just dropping out. But you only get five years of student loan, and I used 1 doing half an HND a while ago. So I had to drop out.

However... a while ago Cayden told me he'd heard a rumour that only the tuition fee loan has a limit. In theory, I can get unlimited maintainence loans. I called the Student Loan people and confirmed this. It's up to one person to review my application and make the decision. If I can get a student loan, I can pay the tuition fee with that, and use my incapacity benefit to exist as I have been... but back at University.

But there are a lot of "if"s. Keele might not accept me. Even if they do, the Student Loan people might not give me any money. If there's no money, I can not afford to go back. And this is the last year possible for this opportunity. Starting next year tuition fees go up to £9000 a year, which is waaayyy too much.

There's not a lot I can do now but wait. If I get a consideration letter from Keele I can apply for the Student Loan. Just gotta wait for that letter.

I've applied to do Film Studies with Media, Communications and Culture. Bit of a mouthful, isn't it? But I have a history in film and media, and it's something I'd enjoy. As long as no one tries to make me get in front of the camera. But we'll see.

There is another possible with this. If I get accepted into Keele, I could have the chance to do Study Abroad all over again. IF the Study Abroad department lets me. I'm going to Keele regardless of whether I spend that semester in England or in America, but the chance to have that do-over would be incredible. I've wanted to study in America since I was five. I wanted to go to Kindergarten, and Junior High and High School and College. It was item number 1 on my bucket list, and I blew it. I completely wasted the opportunity that I was given in 2009, and I hate myself for that. If I get the chance to do it again, I'm going to do my damnedest to not blow it.

It'll be harder financially, but Cayden is helping me save. Every spare pound I get goes to him and he puts it in a tin for me. When I get Student Loans, I'll pay tuition fee, and get a bus ticket, but the rest of it will go to him to save for study abroad. But that's a whole other IF. And not one I need to think about for a while.

In the meantime... I'm still working on Project 200. Lots of crafting going on at the moment. There are six works in progress just within my eyesight, another one that just needs some buttons adding to it, and another that I'm about to start.

I have a daily routine. Admittedly I slept a bit late today, but I've had Cayden here for two weeks and he's helped me get into a routine of getting up no later than 11.30 and going to bed no later than 12.30. I'm gonna try and stick to that now that he's gone, but no guarantees.

There are a lot of other thoughts and emotions and things that are going on in me right now, mostly about Neil. I'm not quite sure how to begin to express them, because I'm very conscious of who reads this blog, and who doesn't. I'm still talking to Neil. I've been talking to him a lot recently, flirting and chatting, and discussing some emotional stuff. And certain people don't approve of that. I know they're just worried about me getting hurt again, but I'm.... Aaarrrggghhhh. It's a mess. It's hard to describe how I feel. And I KNOW that I'm just asking to end up hurting again as long as I keep talking to him, but I can't stop, and I don't want to. Urgh. Maybe my thoughts about this will make a little more sense in a few days. Highly unlikely, but maybe.

A post that's not about Project 200

Hey there Internet peoples. I haven't done much blogging recently that hasn't just been posting my FOs. I guess I've been trying not to think too much about the things that are bothing me. And when I blog, no matter how positive I try to be, I end up on the bad things. Let's just brush that aside right now and say that I miss Neil so much my heart is constantly aching. Also, that I'm utterly broke, and still have no gas.

Right, on to better stuff.

I'm settling into a better routine now. I've actually been getting up in the morning, and leaving the bed, and going back to it at nightime. Like normal people. I've even been doing some housework. In fact, aside from the kitchen, my place looks pretty good. Tidy, organised, hoovered. And I'm doing well at keeping it that way too. I just need to tackle the kitchen next, which will be easier when I have some hot water later today. And a bath! My god, I am so looking forward to having a bath. I may just stay in there all week.

I'm getting lots of crafting done. I know I said I wasn't going to mention it, but I've just finished projects 20 and 21 of Project 200, and that pushes me past the 10% barrier. I'm on a roll. I've even done two projects that weren't part of Project 200. In between the crafting and the housework, I've been ignoring the math workbook I started, and all the writing exercises I want to do. But I'm keeping myself busy.

I'm even exercising. Lol. How many of you fell over reading that?

I want a dog. While I was at Mum's over Christmas, two of her friends got puppies. And I decided that I'm sick of being told I shouldn't get a dog. Everyone says I wouldn't be able to look after it, and I wouldn't take it out. Believe it or not, I am aware that dogs need taking for walks and can't use litter trays and need feeding. I may not be very good at taking care of myself, but I'm actually pretty good at taking care of other people. So I decided to screw everyone else, and that I'm getting a dog, damnit.

I have considered Smudge. Over Christmas she wasn't exactly friendly with Mum's dog Gracie, but they managed. And they'd have settled eventually. When I introduced the neighbour's puppy to her, she wasn't too bothered. The conclusion being that as long as I get a puppy, or a dog that's smaller than her, Smudge will be fine. It'll take a long time, but I've done the reading and I know what I need to do to introduce them and acclimatise them together. I'm making plans to start buying cans of dog food when I have money, so I can get a stock together for my future puppy.

And then there's the Puppy Plan. A dog will need taking out first thing in the morning to go potty, and last thing at night, and about an hour after dinner. It will also need a decent length walk during the day for exercise. I am the first to admit that I don't go out that much. I don't go out at all, actually. And the Puppy Plan is to correct that...

Starting this monday just gone, I'm walking round the block last thing at night.

Starting next monday, I'll be walking around the block first thing in the morning too.

The week after I'll start getting up a little earlier (at the moment I'm getting up before 11.)

The week after that I'm gonna lengthen the nighttime walk.

The week after that I'll be adding a round the block walk an hour after dinner.

The week after that I'll extend the morning walk.

And the week after that I plan to start getting up before 9.30 (I'm not sure a puppy could hold it in til 11), and extending the morning walk to puppy exercise length.

That's the Puppy Plan. And although it's only three days old, so far it's going well. Back when I wanted kids, the fact that I wouldn't be able to conceive unless I lost weight wasn't enough of an incentive. But this is really getting me motivated.

I've ALWAYS wanted a dog. I'm a dog person. I've just only ever had cats because they were convenient at the time. Lol. It'll be difficult to get a dog. Shelters won't let me rehome a dog, because I don't have a garden. And I'll have to save lots of money to buy one, so it'll be a while yet. Plenty of time to collect dog food, and a collar, and a leash, and bowls, and a bed, and dog treats (and cat treats too, for placating and soothing). Plenty of time to get into the habit of walking more. And even without a dog, the exercise isn't going to hurt me, is it?

Generally things are okay. I'm not happy happy all the time, but I'm reasonably content. The only thing missing is Neil. :( But I'm not getting into that.

I'll try and blog actual text more often :P

So, that was 2010...

It's over. Well, not quite. Technically there's still six hours left of it for me, but I honestly can't see me moving off the sofa for it. I've had a really exhausting day. It'll be a miracle if I even make it to midnight.

Anyway, last year I had a lot of plans for 2010. If you don't wanna read that post, I'm about to list the highlights, and how I did.

Be better with money

Ummmmm. Well, in spring I had a major breakdown money-wise. There was a Brownies thing, and a rent thing, and then there was a selling the Wii and tv thing, and it was a big depressing mess. A few months later I handed my finances over to my mum and asked for help. She called everyone I owe money to, and all my bills and things, and arranged for me to pay them. Now I have lots of standing orders going out on payday. It's been a little tough having hardly any money. I mean, I have enough. After all the bills, and gas and electric, I usually have £20-30 ish to play with, and to get food (per fortnight). That's not bad. But considering when I didn't pay any bills I had £200ish to play with, it's a bit of a drop. I'm getting used to it. As far as the resolution goes, I'm actually doing it. When I asked mum for help, the original plan was to hand control of my internet banking over to her or my sister, so I couldn't delete or change the standing orders. But there was a delay in some of the bills and things, and I never got around to it. But I've been paying the bills, not fiddling with the standing orders. Which for me is a huge improvement. I've paid off one debt already. By the end of 2011, I should only have one or two huge ones left.

Start saving

Not so good. I have difficulty saving anyway, and then with the money issues this year it's been impossible. With Project 200, I'll be saving via Cayden or Jen, and maybe I can give them some extra money too.

Pay damn bills

See above comment about money

Classes and courses and groups

In that post last year I listed a hundred different classes and courses and interest groups I was going to go to. I never got to any of them. I haven't had money to go anywhere other than on pay day really, and I've settled back into my old routine of not leaving the house. But I don't mind. I don't have anywhere to go, and I have plenty to keep me busy. It's not like I lounge on the couch watching tv all day. I do a lot.

Lose weight

I did go back to Weightwatchers. I went at the end of April and discovered that I very nearly hit that 30 stone threshold, but not quite. It was a shock, so I made an effort. I couldn't afford to go every week, but I went roughly once a fortnight. I lost a total of 18 lbs by the start of September, but then I had the big money decrease and haven't been able to afford it. I plan to go back in the New Year now I have a tiny bit of extra money.

Swimming

Nope. Never happened. I'd still like it to, but I'm highly doubtful it'll happen this year.

More writing

I have been doing some writing, but not nearly as much as I used to, or as I'd like to be doing. On my daily checklist, I have down to either do some math from a GCSE book I'm working through, or to do some writing. Trouble is, I've been counting blogging as doing writing. I'll change that.

Weekly photography missions

These never happened either. Although I do still like the idea. I may try it again this year. Perhaps not 50 pictures a week. I'll do 10 a week; much more manageable.

New incarnation of 52 New Things

I did this one! I completed 52 challenges. Well, I documented them all, I didn't necessarily complete them all. I'm quite proud of myself for that, and for last year. I don't normally manage to maintain a project, let alone one that lasts a year, and I've managed to keep these up for two years now. The new incarnation for 2011 is Project 200.

Moving

I did this! I moved on January 16th, and I love my flat. It gets a little lonely, but I have my Smudge....



...and I'd much rather be lonely occasionally than be in shared accomodation again. I love not having to compromise with anyone.

Keep my depression at a handleable level

Now this one is debateable. I've had a LOT less episodes than years past, but I've also been finding that my depression has been manifesting differently, so I'm not entirely sure. I haven't been suicidal quite as often, and I haven't self-harmed very much. But my dermotillomania is off the charts, and all my energy and oomph has a tendency to just vanish and leave me staring at the wall for hours at a time.

Stay with Neil

It has been a VERY rough year. Especially for Neil, with the loss of his brother, and a full year of episoding. His episode finally subsided a month or two ago, and his grief over Paul kicked in. He's had it hard. And relationship-wise it's been hard on me, because I've only seen him a few times. The last time was the end of July. But we're still together. I still love him with all my heart, and I'm still planning to stay with him through whatever life throws at us.

Be happy

I wouldn't say I'm 100% happy. There is still a lot in my life that I'd change if I could, and some stuff that I can change and that I'm trying my hardest to. But I can say that I'm content.

There's been developments that I didn't consider last year. It's been a year of pets. I haven't been too successful with them. When I moved, mum gave me a kitten. Tippi. Who turned out to be a boy, so he was Alfred Hitchcock, aka Alfie.



And then I got a rabbit to go with him. Sir Reginald Fortescue, aka Reggie.



But then Alfie escaped while I was down at Mum's one weekend, and I couldn't find him. And then my landlady decided she didn't want me to have a rabbit, so we took Reggie to the rehoming centre at PetsMart. So I was petless, which was not good. Then I got Pixel.



She was found by someone as a stray, with lots of little kittens. They took her in, but couldn't keep her, so I had her. Then I got Smudge, who is quite possibly the cutest cat I've ever had.



But Pixel tried to eat Smudge. Pixel really didn't enjoy being an indoors cat at all. She was always loud and restless and trying to escape, so I rehomed her with someone who could let her be an outdoor cat. Now I just have Smudge, but hopefully that's changing soon - there's a plan for kittens.

And the baking. I've developed a fascination with baking. No idea what triggered it, it just happened. Now I'm obsessed with it. The muffins! I've made six batches of muffins since I've been down here at Mum's. I made sausage and cheese ones Christmas day, and chilli and sweetcorn ones. Then I made gingerbread muffins. The gingerbread ones were so good one of mum's friends requested her own batch, so I made more of those. And yesterday I made more sausage and cheese ones because we had sausagemeat left. Today I made banana and walnut ones which were also delicious. But that's it! No more muffins til next year! Mind you, we went to Hobbycraft yesterday and I got cookie cutters, so I might make cookies next.

It's been a long and hard year. I hope 2011 is better, for everyone. Best wishes from me and Smudge.

Wordsmith Wednesdays

Hey, me again. And here's some more of my old writing. This time, have a poem. A bajillion years ago I was doing an English Literature course at college, and the lecturer asked us to bring in a poem. Being me, I decided to write one. Next lesson, the lecturer is telling everyone about what the author meant by this bit, and the hidden messages in that bit. And I'm sat there going "no I didn't." I always new English Literature teaching was rubbish.

The Last of His Kind

He hides high in the mountains,
Watching Humanity evolve.
Towns and cities move nearer,
And loneliness attacks.

He knows that he is the last,
And he is scared.
For when these creatures find him,
He knows what they will do.

Wars will rage over him,
Zoos and governments and science.
Who will make the money,
That he is sure to attract?

But though his heart may beat cold,
And his breath may burn,
His soul is eternal,
And he will never be tamed.

His flight will guide him,
Away from mortality.
And the last of his kind,
Will remain a myth.

In millennia to come,
As in millennia past,
He will watch over the sea,
The sky and the stars.

For he is the champion,
In scales of silver.
He is the knight,
Who keep Magic alive.

New Thing: Challenge # 34

Challenge 34: 101 snapshots challenge

A long, long, long time ago, when I was researching ideas for New Things and Challenges, I stumbled across this. A 100 Snapshots Challenge. For those too lazy to follow the link, the idea is that you're given 100 words and have to take a photo for each word. Except that they aren't simple things like "chair", or "cat".

1. Safety
2. Stale
3. Feathered
4. Hot
5. Open
6. Forever
7. Love
8. Touch
9. Colorless
10. Blue
11. Smell
12. Growth
13. Irony
14. Wrong
15. More
16. Feel
17. Muse
18. Child
19. Within
20. Pale
21. Earth
22. Torn
23. Scars
24. Stray
25. Drops
26. Against
27. Dry
28. Fresh
29. Covered
30. Bold
31. High
32. Shadow
33. Concrete
34. Vein
35. Rush
36. Yellow
37. Empty
38. Cliché
39. Central
40. Loss
41. Wonder
42. Sweet
43. Poetry
44. Heavy
45. Fall
46. Chair
47. Statue
48. Kool-Aid
49. Dark
50. Breath
51. Garbage
52. Silk
53. Teacher
54. Cream
55. Wash
56. Corner
57. Rose
58. Field
59. Two
60. Red
61. Music
62. Rope
63. Decrepit
64. Chase
65. Dream
66. Dance
67. Smile
68. Smirk
69. Reflection
70. Soul
71. Lock
72. Key
73. Rust
74. Find
75. Lose
76. Drag
77. Wind
78. Rest
79. Swing
80. Meeting
81. Vacant
82. Hazy
83. Release
84. Gather
85. Swarm
86. Road
87. Wait
88. Stand
89. Distance
90. Trapped
91. Desk
92. Detach
93. Shatter
94. Home
95. Shy
96. Tackle
97. Begin
98. End
99. Time
100. Life

My interest in photography fluctuates wildly, but this is something that I'd like to complete. So I decided to give myself four weeks for this one, based on how often I get out of the house. Except that my depression has been pretty bad recently and I've been getting out of the house even less than usual. I came up with some ideas for some of them, but took a grand total of... zero photographs.

Not only was it a fail, it was an epic fail.

I do like photography though. A while ago I even did a City & Guilds in it - although it was mostly film. The thing is, when it comes to digital photography, I'm not very good at it. I don't pay enough attention to lighting, so I attempt to take photos in my living room with it's energy saving light bulb. Then I wonder why they aren't any good. I've looked at some courses, but with my financial situation in the major mess it is at the moment, I can't afford to go anywhere, let alone pay for a course. Maybe I'll look for a free online one. You can find anything online these days.

The point of my rambling being, that although I failed, it is one that I'd like to complete one day.

Current saved total: £70
Current donated total: £110

New Thing: Challenge # 23

Challenge 23 – Write a manifesto.

Passed. It was actually kinda therapeutic. Affirming. I thought I was going to write about all these big changes I’d planned to make in my life, and it turns out I’m actually kinda happy as I am. Here it is:

My name is Colette Hayley Horsburgh and this is my manifesto. This is who I am, who I have been and who I want to be. I am 27 years, 7 months and 18 days old, and I am not where I always wanted to be by this age. My life wasn’t as straightforward as I’d planned. Many things went wrong, and a lot of twists and turns corrupted my path. By now I can’t even clearly remember what I wanted to do or where I wanted to be. I just know that I haven’t achieved it. I don’t have the education and qualifications I would have liked. My physical condition is much worse than I would have liked. I don’t have the family, or friend base, that I would have liked. But I am here. Despite the traumas of my past, I am still here. I’m not who I had planned to be, but I’m still here. And although the last 27 years, 7 months and 18 days haven’t gone quite right, I have time to change that.

I don’t have to be who I am, or in the state that I am in. If I don’t want to be, I can change it. Change is difficult. When you have depression and many of its related disabilities, change is slow and hard and near impossible. But I can still do it. All I need to figure out is what I want to change.

I haven’t had the education I’d planned; the education that every person is expected to have. School, college, university. It didn’t work out that way for me. And now, even if I could choose a degree subject that would keep me interested, I wouldn’t be able to afford it. Not in the foreseeable future. So university isn’t an option anymore, but there are still other avenues I could follow. The internet provides a million opportunities to learn. Not all of them conclude with certificates or qualifications, but I can still learn. I can learn math, philosophy, science, art, history. Anything I choose to learn will be somewhere on the internet. All I have to do is find it.

By now I had wanted to have found love, and be married, and have children. I’m not quite there yet. I have love. I have a wonderful, if complicated, relationship that I want to, and plan to, be in for the rest of my life. Maybe one day we’ll get married. Maybe one day we’ll have children. I want that. I want to be a wife and a mother. I want to spend my days looking after our children, and my evenings looking after my husband. That is my dream, and my plan, but it is one that I’m willing to give up if my love doesn’t want it. I want him.

Now that I’m writing this, and focusing on what I need to change, I’m not entirely sure that I want to change that much of it. Who I am at the moment is not the socially-acceptable norm. I don’t sleep when I’m supposed to, or socialise like I’m supposed, or look like I’m supposed to, or act like I’m supposed to. And I have my issues. My depression is a constant blight on my life, but it’s manageable. My sleeping routine is erratic at best, but I’m working hard on changing that, despite many many failures. I don’t leave the house as much as I probably should, but I don’t really have anywhere to go anyway. I’m not entirely right, but I’m happy with my lot in life. There isn’t that much that I want to change.

I can do the things that I want to do. I can learn. I can love. I have friends and I have family. I have hobbies and talents and interests. I don’t have aspirations for big things in life. I don’t need a big house, or a 12 figure bank account. I don’t need a degree or a thousand friends. I don’t need a lot.

A manifesto is a public statement of intent. So here it is. My intentions for life are simple. I intend to work to have a routine in my life. I intend to work to manage my depression and my weight. I intend to maintain and enjoy my relationship. Ideally I intend to marry my love, and bear his children and look after his family. I intend to make small changes to keep myself happy, and to not worry so much about what I should be doing or feeling. I am Colette Hayley Horsburgh and I intend to continue to be me.


Current saved total: £45
Current donated total: £70

Welcome to 2010

Here it is. We've left the Noughties and now we're in the... well, I'm not sure what we're calling this decade, but it's here anyway. New Decade, New Year. More resolutions. Turning a new page, blah blah blah.

Last year was a little rough on me in some ways, and absolutely brilliant in other ways, but I'm starting this one with some definite plans. I have a list and everything. (Are you shocked?) My biggest resolution is to be a whole lot better with my money. Last year I nearly blew a lot of opportunities and I got into a lot of trouble because I didn't save. If it hadn't been for Neil bailing me out constantly I'd have been screwed several times over. So this year I'm gonna start saving. Possibly. Going from bad-with-money to saving is a hell of a leap, so although that's my goal, I'll be happy if I can just pay my damn bills. It isn't that difficult. Billions of people pay bills every day, so why can't I?

I'm also going to find lots of classes and courses and groups and things to keep me busy. Family and friends are concerned that me dropping out of university means that I'm going to vanish into my room and become a hermit again. This is a very valid fear, especially with all the hilarious internet blogs I keep finding. But I have plans. There is a 10 week cookery class starting next week which I'm signing up for. There's a Silversmithing Jewellery class that starts in April, and a Fused Glass Jewellery class in May that I'm also interested in. There's an Open University creative writing course that I plan on joining, and a fiction writing one as well. There are a million courses I've found (or plan on finding) online - maths ones, shorthand, photography, use of photoshop, writing, etc. Yes, I know that online courses will technically keep me indoors, but stop being pedantic. As well as these classes, I still have Brownies on a Friday. I still go to Stitch and Bitch on a Thursday. Jen and I are planning on creating a non-university-affiliated Knit and Natter society on a Tuesday. I found a knitting society in a library in Biddulph, and a writing society, and I'm joining a reading group. I also want to do more quiz nights, so I'm keeping an eye out for those too.

I'm keeping to the annual standard resolution of "lose weight". I've put on a bit while I was, and I've been a whale for years. While I'm not too fussed with it, my weight does put pressure on my ankle and I have ovary problems that won't be helped either. If I ever want kids, I need to lose a significant amount of weight. So I'm going back to Weightwatchers. On that train of thought I plan on getting hold of a swimming costume that fits and going swimming regularly, and walking more regularly.

Creatively speaking - I had a minor breakthough the other night when curled up with Neil. I had to sit up and type and ended up with a promising paragraph or two. I'll look at it in a bit and see if I can make it into something. I'm going to do more writing exercises, and I will do more bloody writing, damnit! I'm doing weekly photography missions - this week's is to take fifty photos of things beginning with the letter C (next week's is bright pink) - to work on my photography skills, and after I made that video a while back for a new thing I had a craving to make more, so I might do some of them too.

And 52 New Things is continuing, in a new incarnation. This year is 52 Challenges. I've got a list of challenges (and will keep accepting more) and I plan on doing one a week. If I complete the challenge I put £5 into savings to spend at the end of year, and if I fail I donate the £5 to charity. Unless otherwise mentioned, the challenges have a deadline of one week. The first one has to do with watching a whole lot of movies, but I'll be blogging about the Challenges, just like I blogged about the New Things.

So you see, lots of plans to keep myself busy. I'm also hoping to move shortly. My plan for the past year or so has been to stay in this shared house until I graduate, then to move to Preston to be closer to Neil. This has changed. Now that I'm not going to graduate, I was tempted to move to Preston this year. When I got home after my trip away and Christmas at Mum's the state of this house appalled me. It's a long and messy story, and continues on from previous blogs I've written about hating living in a shared house. I moved into a shared home a year and a bit ago because living alone was driving me nuts. I've now discovered that living in a shared house drives me even more nuts. After discussion with Neil though, I've decided I'm not moving to Preston. He doesn't want to move in with me until after he's paid off his loan and that's likely to take another three years. I don't particularly want to leave all my friends and my life here in Stoke just yet, but I can't stand living in this house for another three years, so I'm getting a flat here until Neil is ready. I just need to find somewhere. As soon as is bloody possible. Depending on how it goes, you may get a nice long rant about this sometime soon.

I think that's it. Lots of plans. Mostly I just want to stay at a handle-able depression level. I want to stay with Neil. I want to stay in control of things. I want to be happy. And I wish you all the same. Apart from the Neil thing. He's mine. Back off.

And so 2009 comes to an end....

It's here. New Year's Eve 2009. And jesus did it take it's time getting here. It's been a hell of a year. All kinds of good and bad results from it too. Despite spending four whole months being miserable in another country, the first thing that comes to mind from 2009 is getting back with Neil. Getting back with him and still successfully being with him. And he's been wonderful. We still have issues, but then most couples do. We're learning how to cope with each other's foibles, and we're doing okay. Hopefully we'll keep doing okay too. I love him very very much, in case you didn't already know.

But 2009 hasn't just been about Neil. It's been about struggling through university, and eventually making the decision to drop out. It's been about finding new books and new tv shows to follow. It's been about getting more tattoos. It's been about joining Ravelry and doing a million swaps - the best way to get fun post ever. It's been about losing friends and making friends. It's been about ridiculously bad financial decisions. It's been about coping with my depression better than other years, in some ways. It's been about still having writer's block but gathering the energy to do something about it. It's been about adding more crafts to my repertoire. And most significantly, I guess, it's been about the completion of a life long dream.

Ever since I can remember I've wanted to go to school in America. Those who know me know of my ever-so-mild obsession with the USA, and when I was very young I wanted to go to Kindergarten out there, then I wanted to go to junior high, then I wanted to go to high school, then I wanted to go to college. This year I got to attend an American university for four months. It was quite literally a dream come true. It wasn't quite what I expected though. I'm very glad I went, but I'm also very glad it's over. It was an interesting experience, and I don't regret going, but I did spend most of my time wishing I was back at home.

The educational part of the trip was kind of interesting - particularly Libby's History of Maine course - but most of it was boring as hell and made me realise how boring my degree course is in general. I love studying, but I've come to develop a minor hatred for the Humanities. I don't like having definite answers. I've been doing little minor maths courses online, and it's so nice to have a definite wrong or right answer. You don't have that in Humanities, and it's frustrating as hell. While I was in America I realised that I didn't want to continue with my degree course, and I made the decision to drop out of university. This decision has been recieved by friends and family in varying degrees of horror and disapproval, but I don't really care. It's my decision. And it's not like I'm planning to spend the next year doing nowt but sleeping (there will be a later post for my plans).

I didn't make friends very well in America, and this greatly affected my enjoyment out there. I did a lot of things alone, like my trip to Boston and New York, and my random travels on buses. I did make two wonderful friends though, who did marvellous things for me and helped me out immensely and I can't imagine how I'd have felt about my trip if those two hadn't been there.

I'm beginning to ramble a bit. My point is this: I'm very glad I went, there were lots of fun times, eventually I'll forget the bad stuff, I don't regret going but I'm glad it was over. It was a chance in a lifetime and I will never attempt to talk anyone out of doing the same thing, but I am very very glad to be home. Plus, after all that palaver at the airport and coming home, I'm slightly less enamoured with America as I used to be.

In a few hours it'll be a whole new year and (for those who aren't pedants) a whole new decade. I have my resolutions, I have my plans. I'll write another post about those. Maybe tonight, but possibly not. Since my Neil is here and we plan to see in the New Year eating chocolate ice cream and being nerdy and "sorting out the post."

Have a great night bloggers, and see you next year!

Christmas snuck up on me

So, yesterday was not that good of a day. In fact I think I did absolutely nothing aside from watch stuff on my laptop, cry, throw temper tantrums and sulk. I ended up crying myself to sleep about 6 or 7 o'clock. Not good.

So today will be better. I woke up at about 4 this morning, have caught up with my shows and taken a shower, as well as finished packing absolutely everything aside from stuff to go in my carry on. I've looked up some classes to take in the spring: a cooking class, a silversmithing class and a fused glass jewellery class. I've found some reading groups to go to, a writing group and a knitting group. I will keep myself busy. But I'll be posting a detailed 2010 Plan nearer the end of the year.

I'm going to go over to the cafeteria in a bit, after I've watched Men of a Certain Age and Legend of the Seeker. I'm taking my laptop, a book, my notebook and a puzzle book. I plan on staying in there all day. Obviously staying in my room alone is not good for me, so I'll go sit where there are people and free(ish) food and get on with my stuff. I'll get to socialise a little, and maybe not be quite so miserable.

In the meantime, it's Christmas next week. NEXT WEEK! I've been so focused on getting home and getting back to Neil that although I knew it was coming up to Christmas it didn't really sink in, until just now. Christmas is NEXT FRIDAY!

I hope everyone has a good Christmas/Hannukah/Yule/Kwanzaa etc etc. I do love Christmas, I just haven't been in exactly the right frame of mind for it this year.

New Thing # 46

Date:- 1st December 2009
New Thing:- Post a video on Youtube

Unlike my dear friend Charlotte, I am not a vlogger. I much prefer the written word. But, for one of my new things I decided to post a video on YouTube. First challenge - I had no idea what to post. All of my initial ideas are not suitable for Youtube. I thought about doing a photo montage or something, but that seemed a little like a cop out. I thought about actually doing a vlog - as in, speaking to the camera - but that idea kinda terrifies me. So I came up with this...



As you can see, that is not a video I have simply uploaded to my blog. I am on YouTube. Admittedly, the video is pathetic. But it's there!

It kind of ignited a little spark in me. Years and years ago I did the first year of an Higher National Diploma in Media and Photography. I made a music video with my partner that I was very proud of. I have it on DVD, but I don't know how to get it on the interwebs. Making this - very short, very silly, very pointless - video made me want to make more. I'll think about it, but I'll let you know if I ever do.

Life update

It occurred to me that while I've been posting about my new things, and lots of lists and things, I haven't actually given you much of an update about my life. So here we are.

Since I made the decision to drop out of university, I haven't been to any classes. I've spent my time sleeping during daylight hours - which is much more comfortable - and stitching and reading wonderful websites. That and making a trip to Boston and New York, but you know all about that if you read my blog regularly.

Emotionally I haven't had an episode, but I've had little attacks of edgy. Mostly due to tiredness and trouble sleeping, nightmares, homesickness. All the usual suspects. I really really really cannot wait to get home. I miss home. I miss the people, and my stuff and my bed. I miss crunchies, and bacon sandwiches, and charity shops and the buses and all kinds of stupid little things. I miss my brownies, and I miss Jen, and I miss Neil. I just wanna go home. And it'll be soon. 20 days until my flight to England, another 7 days after that til I get home to Stoke. Spending Christmas with my mum and sisters. Which should be... fun. Lol. I love them both dearly, but sometimes they get a little much to handle. We'll see how it goes I guess.

Physically things aren't bad. I have my constant headaches - but Ibuprofen tends to take care of that. I used to be concerned about the amount of Ibuprofen I was taking, but it's not too bad now. I still take it daily, but it's down to 3 pills a day. Usually in the morning with my anti-depressant. My ankle has been aching a whole lot, which concerns me because I haven't actually been overusing it. Maybe it's the New York trip catching up on me. I don't know. I'm pretty sure that it hurts more here in America, so maybe when I get home it'll ease up. Neil keeps telling me to go see the dr about it. I might, although I'm pretty sure he's just going to tell me I need to lose weight. Which is true I guess. But that isn't going to help my ankle in the meantime.

I am going back to Weightwatchers in the new year though. I'm comfortable with my curves. I like my figure. But I am never going to able to have children the weight I am now. With my dodgy ovaries it's almost a physical impossibility. And so I go to lose weight. With pictures of little babies all over the fridge and my wallet. There are other benefits to losing weight. Smaller wedding dress, less pressure on my ankle, fewer fat-related problems, easier to find clothes in my size, more energy. I know all this. I just don't like dieting. I like my food damnit!! I like to eat whole tubs of ice cream in one sitting. I like going back for seconds and thirds. I don't like dieting. But I guess my desire to be a mother is stronger.

At the moment I'm sat here on the sofa of our currently santa's-grotto-looking common area - Heather came home from Thanksgiving and put up all kinds of twinkly lights - watching some shows on Hulu. In a few minutes I'm going to get dressed, then go over to the cafeteria (which reminds me, I had a dream about the cafeteria - how screwed up is that?) to get carbohydrate-laden breakfast. Pancakes and waffles here I come!! After that I have errands to run. Printing, yarn store, post office, Walmart. Need to get a bigger suitcase.

I did a practice pack the other day. I brought a medium sized suitcase from a yard sale a month or so ago and I needed to see if it was big enough. I can get everything packed in that and the large one I came with, but only if I don't take the comforter Neil brought me online and only if I take my backpack as carry on as well as my purse. I really don't wanna do that. I kinda want to take the comforter back, mostly 'cause it was a present from Neil. And I would prefer to take as little carry on as possible, mostly because I'll be more comfortable while I'm waiting and transferring and things. So, we go to Walmart to buy a new suitcase. A bigger suitcase. As far as I can tell though, unless I leave the rest of my clothes behind (and I've already cut them down by half) I'm still only going to be able to resolve one issue. Unless I get really really good at packing. Again, I'll have to see. I really like the comforter.

I'm rambling. Completely. It's very early in the morning and I've been up since 5pm yesterday (with a coupla hours of napping on the sofa). According to the way I've been living, this is mid evening for me. And I'm about to go out and be busy for the rest of the day. Red Bull here I come.

I should stop typing. Stop blogging. I have nothing to say. I'm just rambling and typing nonsense. But I like to type, and I have nothing to really type at the moment, so I'm typing nonsense and rubbish. Lol. You were warned. There is a disclaimer on my blog. You were warned there would be nonsense and rambling.

Ok, I'm going now.

New Thing # 41

Date:- 21st November 2009
New Thing:- Hold a human brain

Now, I could have chosen "going to the Bodies exhibit" as my new thing, but it's much more fun to have that I held a human brain. I wrote about the exhibit in this blog, but here's a bit more and some pictures too.

It (the brain) was really heavy, but the guy said it was cos of the preservation technique. That they'd basically turned it into plastic. It took a while for my brain to realise that I wasn't just holding another model of a brain, that this one came from a real person and that it was a real brain. Then I nearly dropped it. It was very cool and very gross and very fascinating all at the same time. I couldn't help but think about all the thoughts that had gone through that brain, about all the memories in there.

We weren't allowed to take photos, but here's a picture of a random brain....



And here are a few more pictures...

A difficult decision

For a month or so I've been struggling with a pretty huge decision. It hasn't been easy, and I've put a lot of thought into it. I'm dropping out of university.

I first mentioned this to my closest friends during an episode and they were understandably worried that it was the depression talking, and not me. I understand and accept their fears, and I've listened to every opinion everyone concerned has had. But I need to make a decision that is right for me and I've finally done that.

It isn't a rushed decision. I've thought about it very carefully, I've weighed up the pros and cons of staying, and the pros and cons of leaving, and what my options are. And I really think that leaving is the best thing. I've had trouble with university right from the start, mostly with my attendance. My depression gives me incredible trouble leaving the house at times, and it gives me trouble focussing on work and reading. I tried hard, but kept managing to sabotage myself - as regular readers will have noticed. The only thing that kept me going throughout last year was the idea of coming here. And after I failed my history module, even that nearly wasn't incentive enough.

I'm loving my time out here in America, and I'm so very glad I made it. I don't regret coming out here at all, it is a lifelong dream come true. But the courses are as boring and frustrating to me as the courses back at Keele. I don't want to keep going with uni. I LOVE uni life. I love the library at Keele, and some of the bars, and the people, and the societies. I love Keele - and I'll still visit the campus regularly - I just don't like the courses.

When I originally applied for Keele, the only reason I chose a single honours degree was because not a single one of the other options appealed to me in the slightest. And it turns out that American politics bores the hell out of me as well. History not so much, but it still bores me. I wrote my list of reasons to stay at university and had two options: for the student loans, and because I'd get a lot of people telling me "I knew you'd never make it." Neither of them good enough reasons to stay.

Since I've made the decision I've had a big weight lifted from me. You know that metaphorical weight from your shoulders? It's not just a metaphor. I really do feel so much lighter and better having made the decision. I know that people are concerned I've screwed up my life, but let's face it? I was screwed up before. :-) I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but I haven't known for years.

I've been thinking about what I'm going to do instead of university, and quite frankly, I'm not entirely sure. I'm going to spend a few weeks doing nothing! Relaxing. Stitching whenever I like without feeling guilty, reading what I want, sleeping what I want, not forcing myself to be around people when I don't want to be. Just chillin. After that I'm going to look into getting a job, but I'm not going to grab at anything just because it's a job. It needs to be something I'd feel comfortable with. Maybe clerical stuff. I loved the volunteer work I did for the YMCA a few years ago. I love organising, and filing, and typing and all that.

I'm also going to look into doing online courses. The Open University has a creative writing course that I'm interested in. One of my plans - for after university and for my life in general - is to get rid of my damn writer's block. I have so many ideas in my head, not to mention a semi-written novel I want to finish at some point. Maybe the creative writing course will help.

I'm also, and this will surprise some people, going to do some maths courses. Humanities is a pain in the ass. There are no set answers. I don't like it. Maths is definite. I may not be that good at it, so I'm taking little free refresher courses online - starting right back at GCSE level. I like to learn, I'm just not liking what I'm learning at the moment. The maths is fun. Apparently I'm more of a nerd than I thought.

I'm also working on the option of opening an Etsy store - in conjuction with some friends. I know some people from Ravelry read my blog occasionally, if any of you have any Etsy advice I'd be very happy to hear it.

I know that the biggest worry a lot of people have about me dropping out is that I'm going to collapse in on myself and disappear into a big cloud of depression and hibernation and isolation. I understand their fears. It's a viable fear, and something I'm a little concerned about myself. But I'm going to try hard not to let it happen. I'm still going to help run Stitch and Bitch, and I still have my Brownies, and I'm still going to visit friends. I'm going to continue getting my bus passes and ride my buses around randomly. I'm starting Weightwatchers again in the new year too, and I want to go swimming more, if I can get myself a swimming costume.

It's highly possible that I really am making a very huge mistake, but it's also possible that I'm doing the best thing for me. We'll see I guess. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy the rest of my time here in America. Next week I'm going to Boston and New York - which I'm REALLY excited about.

Studying the Holocaust

One of the modules I'm doing here at USM is The Holocaust: Policy, Practice and Response. Every Tuesday evening I spend two hours in a classroom in Portland hearing about the history behind the Holocaust and the events during those horrible years. And every week I have readings to do from various books. One of those books is a selection of documents and first hand accounts, and it is completely harrowing.

I've just been sat reading personal accounts by SS about the gas chambers, and I feel ill. I had Monty Python music playing in the background, in an attempt to not get quite so dragged into it. It kind of worked. My feet have been tapping away to the music quite happily, but the rest of me has been feeling horrible. I read an account of how men would stand atop the gas chambers and tell the people that they were to take showers, and receive hot soup before being assigned well paying jobs. The people willingly undressed and hurriedly went into the chambers. The person who wrote that particular document - Filip Muller, a part of the Sonderkommando - could hear the cries for help, the prayers, the banging and knocking and desperate scraping on the doors. I don't understand how anyone could do that to another human being. I've read the documentation, I know the history and the theory behind the Holocaust, but it still completely astonishes me.

I'm not the most compassionate person in the world, I harbour grudges. But such hatred astonishes me. It isn't even hatred. To hate someone you have to consider them to be a person. Urgh! I can't even think straight.

I started to keep these reactions in a separate blog, as I thought I needed to keep a reactionary journal for the module. I don't, so I'm closing the blog, but I'm going to post here what I've written. I love this blog, I love getting my thoughts out to the world. There are things that I can't write about. Issues with people who might read the blog, for instance. But my personal feelings can be, and will continue to be, published on this blog and shared with the world. Someone out there might feel the same way.

I read a lot of blogs, and I'm aware that not everyone will agree with some of my opinons, or my ways. And those people have a write to disagree, I just hope I don't get the abuse that other people have gotten. I guess as long as my blog has such a small readership I'll be okay.

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Posts from Reactionary Journal blog...

Saturday, 12 September 2009

I'm not entirely sure why I chose to study the holocaust. I've known about it since high school, and the events of those years have always appalled and astonished me, but I have never studied it in depth. Up until this semester, all I knew of the Holocaust I learned from movies and television and books. Not necessarily accurate. I started this module with the hopes of learning the truth. So far the things I have learned are disturbing, but I don't regret enrolling. My only regret is that our lectures are late on a Tuesday evening. After class is over, I have nothing to do but wait half an hour for a bus, and wallow in the depressive fugue that the lectures so far have left me in.

In our first lecture, on September 1st 2009, we watched two short videos. The first was called "Night and Fog" and was made my a French director in 1955. It toured a concentration camp as it stood today (or 1955), and showed a lot of footage and still photography from concentration camps when they were in use. The video was interesting and fascinating and absolutely disturbing. Seeing the footage of the people who were tortured was bad enough, but the image that most affected me was one from 1955. The director, Alain Resnais, showed us the ceiling of one of the gas chambers. The camera showed us, close up, the grooves and scratches and furrows made in the concrete ceiling by the people trapped in the chamber. Seeing that ceiling, and those marks, made my stomach climb into my throat. Even writing about it now I'm still feeling a little sick. Those marks are the last imprint on earth of people who were rounded up, tortured and murdered just because of who they were. Because of situations beyond their control, they were punished and killed in such a way that they scratched grooves in a concrete ceiling in attempts to escape. It makes me feel guilty for being alive and for taking my freedom for granted.

I get abuse and insults because of who I am, and I complain about it regularly. Now I feel like I have no right to complain. Nothing that has ever been done to me is anywhere near as bad as what those people went through.

Sunday, 20 September 2009

We have a book to read entitled "Sources of the Holocaust," edited by Steve Hochstadt. It contains 84 different documents from history regarding the holocaust and each week we are required to read a certain number.

This week I had to read 10 of them, and my reactions were quite strong. I thought I'd note them here, since this is what the journal is for. I'll also note any reactions to the documents I've read previous to this week.

Some of the first documents we had to read included excerpts from Martin Luther's "On the Jews and Their Lies" (1543), a Papal bull about Jews from Pope Paul IV written in 1555 and parts of an article entitled "Jewish Morality" which appeared in a Vactican newspaper in 1893. These documents display so much hatred towards the Jews. I don't quite understand it. I see the reasons before me, I know logically why these people were against the Jews, but I don't quite understand how you can hate an entire race of people based purely on their religion. It seems unfathomable to me, the whole thing does.

One of the groups of people targeted by the Nazis were handicapped people. There are a few documents in this book that reflect that. All of them refer to people with handicaps as "unworthy of life". Having sufffered a mental handicap myself, and having a hadicapped mother, this is a sensitive area for me. One of the documents I've just read was notes from a meeting of German mayors concerning murder of the handicapped.

What appalled me most was that I could kind of see their logic. The words and terminology that they use. "They are nothing but a burden," "there is no possibility that these people will ever become healthy," "they only take nourishment away from other, healthy people." I was appalled with myself, very angry and very guilty, until I realised that this was the point. The Germans used terminology like this deliberately to make people forget. The phrases make the people they plan to murder sound like people on life support, who have no hope left. They make their plans sound like a form of euthanasia, rather than a plan to kill people who would be considered healthy and relatively normal by today's standards.

Two documents later was a table of money saved by murdering the handicapped, from 1941. Dr Eduard Brandt worked out that by "disinfecting" over 70,000 people the German government saved nearly 9 million Reichsmarks. I don't know how much that is in English money, but I imagine it's a lot. The Germans did everything they could to justify their actions.

Another document that made me feel a little ill was an excerpt from the Memoir of Dr Paula Tobias about the boycott of Jewisih businesses on April 1st 1933. Dr Tobias was a Jewish doctor, and whilst some Jewish businesses were treated violently and dramatically during the boycott (there were bloody riots and arrests all over the place), Dr Tobias and her husband planted potatoes whilst their son went to school and their chauffeur yelled at the SA guards stood at their door.

My instant reaction was that we only really hear horror stories from the war and the holocaust, and that surely not every Jew could have had it so bad. Then I felt guilty again.

This course is creating a lot of guilty feelings and things in me. I feel kinda weird now. I'm disturbed about my own morality. Is this normal?

Civil War and Crochet

I finally saw the first of the ten historical monuments I'm meant to be writing about for my History of Maine course. And in about an hour or so, or possibly tomorrow morning because I'm exhausted, I'll have written my first entry in the blog I'm meant to be keeping.

In other news, here is a granny square.



Go on, admit it. You're surprised it's not purple. Well relax, there will be plenty of purple ones. This is the first granny square I've ever made (thank you You Tube). I plan to make one from every different type and colour of yarn I own, and every type I ever get. Cos I'm sad like that. And my stash is mostly purple, so there'll be plenty of purple. I'm going to sew them together as I go (having learned my lesson whilst making my family loom.

Hmm, having just done a brief scan of my blog history, I don't think I actually told you about the blog. When Jen taught me to knit, nearly a year ago, I started making patches. Lots and lots of patches of this one type of yarn to make a quilt with. I measured the first patch, and I measured my duvet, and decided I needed 70 patches.



It became called a family loom because I'd decided that I wanted it to go down through my following generations as a family heirloom, and at Christmas last year my baby sister Michaela (she was 11 at the time) asked if she could knit a patch for the loom. The name stuck. She did knit a patch. It's almost exactly in the middle, with a little M on it, so everyone knows she did it.

It took me almost three months to knit all the patches, amongst my other projects. Then it took a whole day, thanks to my insisting that no two adjoining patches should match, to lay them out in order. My eternal gratitude to Charlotte and Cayden who helped me lay them out, reorder them til they were right and then pinning numbers to them all. It took another two months to sew the damn thing together.



I love it, it's comfortable and delicious and my first big project and ridiculously heavy, but I have learned my lesson! This time I'm sewing the squares up as I go.

For those who are interested...

...and you have no idea how relieved it makes me that some people do appear to care, here is an update on the depression/episode/paper situation.

I finished the paper last night. It wasn't the best piece of work that I've ever done, but I finished it. I didn't make it to the lecture though. I couldn't fall asleep until half three, and then I was tossing and turning and waking up every half an hour all night. I slept pretty much until half past five. And I actually felt a little better for letting my body sleep.

But I've been kind of off-the-planet. I'm reminding myself of Neil when he's depressed. I keep zoning out, finding myself staring into space. I'm not sure if this is better or worse than hysterical crying and a deep-soul-sucking abyss of misery.

I kinda hate myself right now, though. I know I'm screwing up this big opportunity. I was so scared that I'd ruined it when I flunked history last semester, and I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to come here. Now that I am here I'm screwing it up again. I can see it happening, I KNOW it's happening, but when it happens I can't stop it.

I just emailed a counseler at the health service. Asked if someone could possibly talk to me through the internet, as I have trouble making and keeping appointments that I need to do. If they can't, well I'll deal with that when it comes to it.

I'm going to see my academic advisor too. She's the lecturer for my monday class, and I plan on staying behind to speak to her next week. That way, if I keep missing classes at least someone will know why. Maybe she, or a counselor, can help me speak to my other lecturers.

In the meantime I am doing the work. I had that paper done on time (I'm going to email it in now) even if I didn't make it to the class. I'm keeping on top of the reading, and I am going to start the paper I have due on Monday in a minute.

I've just seem Aimee walk past my window. She's my RA. Maybe I could speak to her. I dunno. I'm not sure if talking to a friend is better or worse than speaking to a counselor. It's her job, though. To be there for us to talk to if we have problems.

I don't know. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to pull myself out of this. I'm so scared I'm gonna screw this up, but I don't know how to stop it.

it went away, but now it's back

When I woke up today, I was fine. Ish. All day I've been fine. I ate some ice cream, I sat in the coolish breeze outside and read the book I needed to read for tomorrow. Despite the fact that it was extremely depressing (it's about a big factory fire in New York City that killed 146 people because of the bosses ignorance and stupidity) I didn't get depressed. I was fine. I sat in the TV lounge and spoke quite happily to people who came in to say hi. I even turned down a movie date upstairs so I could sit and write the one page paper I have due tomorrow. I didn't even get stressed and panicky about the stupid oral part of the assignment which is terrifying me. (I HATE STANDING IN FRONT OF THE CLASS AND SPEAKING). I didn't mind when I had a vaguely nasty comment left on my door, I think I know who it was, and I don't particularly like her either. If we weren't all in the same hall, I wouldn't even look at her. I was okay. I was reasonably confident. All was going well.

I even wrote the first half of the paper, the bit about the whole book. Nice and quick, nice and easy. Done, dusted. On to the documents.

The book is an introductary essay and then a series of historical/firsthand documents about the fire. I have to write about two of them. I wanted to start with the one by Rose Cohen, because I remembered reading her story in our main textbook which we were supposed to refer to. Gives me a good place to start.

Except....

I checked the main textbook, and it isn't Rose Cohen. It's Rahal Golub. Their stories are very similar (like ridiculously similar) - both girls watch their father turn down the fruit at breakfast to save money and then do the same to support him. I was gonna link the two but now I'm stuck. If I write that they're the same person, but with a different name in one, and they aren't actually the same person, I look like a moron. If I write that there are two people who's stories are almost identical, and they're actually the same person, then I look like a moron.

And now I'm stuck! Complete mindblock. I can't do the other document I had planned because it links to Rose Cohen's. I can't choose another two documents because I was so focused on the ones I had picked that I can't think about anything else.

And now I'm sat here fidgeting and not able to concentrate and have no idea what to write. I was already antsy about tomorrow because of the stupid oral part, now I'm completely screwed and want to go hide under the bed. And come out some time next month. I can feel the edginess sucking me back in and don't have a clue what to do about it.

Actually I do, my Cognitive Behavioural Therapist told me to think of what calms me down and makes me feel better, and to do that when I get edgy. For instance, some people like to go for a swift walk. I like to work on whatever stitchwork project I'm enjoying at the time. I have my new crochet project sat right next to the laptop, and I could reach for that, and it'd make me feel better.... for a while. Then I'd get depressed because I'd feel guilty about not working on my stupid paper!!

More sabotage

A while ago I wrote about sabotaging myself. I think I'm doing it again.

Today I woke up late. When my alarm clock went off I hit it and went back to sleep. When I finally woke up I went to the bathroom to get ready and promptly burst into tears. For hours.

Cue episode. I ended up rooting through my things to see if there was anything I could use to self-harm with. I didn't cut, even though I wanted to, but I've been feeling lousy all day. I've been over to the spaceship (that's the Brooks Student Center for the uninitiated) and got a load of food (not all unhealthy stuff either) at one point, then came home and promptly got back into my pajamas and went back to bed.

I've been laying in my bed just surfing and watching Hulu all day. And I feel like crap. I had horrible nightmares all night, though I can't remember any now, I'm screwing up this big opportunity (again!!), I'm wasting all the time and support I've been given from people who are helping me, I'm just generally a great big fucking screw up.

I snapped out of it about half an hour ago, and sat up at my desk to do some work, except now I feel worse. I keep going to do something, and find myself staring into space, or fidgeting and doing something else, then fidgeting and doing something else. I can't concentrate on anything. All I want to do right now is cash in my return flight and go home. I know it won't be any better at home; it'd probably be worse, but I'd be home with the people I care about. Neil could hold me and I'd feel safe again.

I'm such a waste here. Someone else could be using this place at USM. So far I've had 15 timetabled classes. I've missed 8 of them. I've screwed up the attendance AGAIN!! The first time was legitimate. I got lost, and couldn't make it on time. Then I missed last Thursday because I overslept - except that I didn't. I woke up, turned the alarm clock off and decided I didn't have the oomph to go.

Yesterday I had to wake up ridiculously early to go get my contraceptive injection, because I missed the appointment on Thursday. I was meant to have a lecture at 4pm yesterday. I knew that if I came home I'd fall asleep so I spent the interim hours in the library and then in the cafeteria. I almost fell asleep in the cafeteria. I decided (with a little help from some fish) not to go to class. Then I lied to my professor, and to Neil. This morning I woke up and had the whole crying fit.

I don't think there has been a single school or college or university term since I was 13 that I've had a decent attendance. I WANT to learn. I'm enjoying these classes. I WANT my degree. But sometimes I just can't. I know I'm cocking it up. Believe me, I'm terrified that I'm gonna end up in the same mess I was in with History last semester. I nearly blew my chance to fulfil a dream because of my stupid attendance and my stupid self-sabotage. Now I'm here, I'm living this dream, and I'm blowing it. I'm blowing it and there's nothing I can do about it.

I feel like my body has been taken over. My brain is screaming at me to get off my ass and to go to classes and to learn my lessons from last time. And I can't do it. I feel trapped and I don't know what to do.

I'm kinda dreading my roommate coming home. My episodes have never been particularly private. I'll text people and get someone to talk to. And I've had episodes in front of Neil and Jen. But I've never shared a room with soemone and had them come home while I was in the middle of an episode before. I'm trying so hard not to cry at the moment that I have that painful knot in my throat. I don't want her to come home and see me crying.

I don't know what to do. I want to work, I want to concentrate on my readings and catching up. It's not like I don't have lots of work to be doing. But chances are I'm going to post this to the interwebs, pray that no one reads it, pray that someone does, and go back to randomly surfing the internet or staring at nothing in space.

Another educational blog

I've mentioned the blog that I'm keeping for one of my History of Maine projects, although I haven't yet visited any historical monuments. I plan to do that this week. I just set up another blog. This one is for my Holocaust module. My professor asked us to keep a record of our reactions to readings and research and videos and things. If anyone is interested, the link is there. I warn you though, it's depressing reading.

Classes continue

Yesterdays classes were a mixed bag. First of all I managed to miss my Politics of Maine lecture. The building it was in was insane, and I had two different locations written down. I looked for about an hour, then started to cry so I gave up and sat in the quad outside Luther Bonney for a bit.

My second class was Early 20th Century US History, which was interesting. The lecturer is a little insane, but it'll make things interesting I guess. All of the rooms I've been assigned to have those stupid fixed desk chairs. I haven't actually tested one yet to see if I fit. Although I do plan to at some point. In US History I sat in one with a semi desk, and it kinda poked into my belly a bit. For a 1 hour 15 minute class it's okay I suppose, but still annoying. The good news in the class that two of the books on the list were either/or, I didn't need both. Yes! There's some money saved.

After that I had a four and a half hour break before my next class, so I ran some errands. FINALLY found a post office, and posted off some swaps packages and a couple of postcards. Then I went on a hunt for sun lotion, which I finally found in the same shop that was selling big packs of Twizzlers for a dollar. Needless to say, some Twizzlers were purchased. I also went past an IHOP, which I'm looking forward to going to visit. PANCAKES!!! Yummy.

My Holocaust class was... interesting. There was a fire drill in the first half hour, but after that we watched two videos. One was a tour of Auschwitz, with some historical video and photographs. The director showed us the ceiling of the gas chamber, where the people had clawed at the concrete ceiling. It was, like I said, upsetting. It's a very intense course, and we've only had the first class. I'm glad I have Wednesdays off. After a late night on Tuesdays (I didn't get back to my dorm until half eleven) and such an intense class, having the next day off is gonna be useful.

And speaking of today, I spent a lot of it sleeping. I also spoke to my handsome Neil, since I now have a phone line. If anyone wants to give me a ring, feel free! Message me and I'll get you the number. Also, if anyone wants to send me any post, that'd be very gratefully received.

This evening our RA Aimee ran a crafty event upstairs. We were decorating whiteboards to stick on our doors for messaages. I did one with all types of different purples, surprise surprise, and then started a big eyes poster. I'll post pictures when they're dried and finished. It was fun, chatting away and cutting and gluing. Kinda made me miss my Brownies though. I might write them a letter sometime soon.

PS> If anyone is interested, here is the link for the blog I mentioned needing to do for my Maine History course.