He wouldn't have wanted to be called a hero

Hey there internets. It's me again, obviously. You know, I was going to go to sleep hours and hours ago. It was cold in here, so I crawled into bed to stay warm and was going to go to sleep around 8 or 9ish. But then I pressed this lethal little button...



And I got trapped. Ended up Stumbling for an hour or so, and went through being tired to being wide awake again. I tried to sleep again an hour ago, but now I can't sleep. This time I have something specific on my mind. Out of nowhere, I can't stop thinking about Paul.

Paul Warren was Neil's younger brother. He was a Marine, and he died in Afghanistan last year. I didn't know him all that well, and I regret that now. I don't know why he's on my mind so much tonight, but he is. I've been thinking about whether or not there's a War Memorial nearby that perhaps I could go place a flower on. I don't know what else to do. What do you do when someone dies? What do you do when it's someone so incredibly important to the people that you love, but who you didn't really know?

I do wish I'd spoken to him more. I don't go to Neil's place that often, and Paul was barely there. When he was I did what I always do while I'm there and hide in Neil's room. I've never really spoken much to his other brother, Richard, or his parents. I feel bad about that. I want to. I want to talk to them more. I want to get to know them. Hopefully they're going to be my family one day. I'd like to be able to know something about them.

I'm rambling. I know I'm not making any sense. I just have all these thoughts and things floating around in my head, and where else should I spill them but right here?

From what Neil's told me about Paul, he wouldn't be impressed with flowers. He's had his name put on memorials, and all kinds of honours and things, and Neil finds it amusing, because Paul would have hated it. It sounds to me like Paul was a lot like Neil. Except that my darling boyfriend would never be brave enough to go fight a war. He's a big wussy, like me.

While I was laying in my bed completely unable to sleep, and thinking about Paul, lines of possible poetry started to drift through my brain. "The hero who was almost my brother." But that's wrong. Really wrong. I don't think he would have liked to have been called a hero. He was. The man was a hero. I read all the news articles about him after his death, and the Ministry of Defence press release. And the things that he did... he was a hero. But he wouldn't have seen it like that. He was doing his job. His unit worked on the security for the base.

"In singling out Marine Paul Warren, this accolade rightly describes a man who volunteered and acted as point man for every patrol which his section undertook in Sangin; in my eyes these men, 'on point', are the bravest of the brave.

"To Paul Warren, this was a matter of duty. Being the experienced man, who had patrolled Sangin before, he saw fit that it would be he, and only he, who would lead his section on patrol in Sangin; in volunteering for this he knew only too well the risks that were associated."

I... I'm overwhelmed completely by sadness at the moment, and I don't know how to deal with it. I want so desperately to go and hug Neil. I can't imagine anything ever happening to Michaela or Jennie. I feel this sadness for someone I barely knew. The pain and heartbreak that Neil must face everyday... and he doesn't mention it at all. Not to me at least.

I'm still not making any sense. I wish I... Aaarrrggghhhh. I don't know what to say. I used to be pretty good at getting what I was thinking out into actual words. Now I've just become blocked and stuffed up and confused.

Paul Warren was a good man. Never to me, but he was. He was a soldier, and every single man or woman that goes out there to do their duty and serve their country is a hero. I wish I could think of some way to express how much gratitude I have for them. I wish I could think of some way to show myself, and Neil, and the world how much Paul will be thought of, and how much he will be missed.