Regrets

Every morning when I wake up, before I even get out of bed, I grab my phone and check a few websites/apps. Twitter, FML, Cheezburger and Facebook. This morning I found on Facebook the wonderful news that my friend is engaged. Apparently her boyfriend is a traditionalist. Proposal on Valentine's Day. I have yet to find out the actual details, but just the date (and the fact that it happened) will have been enough for her. I wonder what the ring looks like.

And that's the reason the title of this blog is "Regrets". That I have to wonder what the ring looks like, and that I don't know the details. This is the same friend who fell out with me after a blog post last year. Two years ago, I would have been the first person she'd told. She would have called me or messaged me right after she'd spoken to her mum.

We're speaking again after falling out, but things are different. We're not as close as we once were, and I regret that immensely. I don't regret that blog post last year, but I regret upsetting her, and I regret that it destroyed our friendship.

I had a very bad day yesterday, and I'm having trouble dealing with my current status as single and alone, but I am so incredibly happy for her. We were best friends through some disastrous relationships, and some that we thought would be forever but weren't. We were best friends though good times, and dodgy times, and hilarious times, and not-quite-moral times, and rich times, and broke times, and all sorts of times. I guess it's natural for lives to change and for people to drift apart, but I've never been comfortable with that. I miss all the friends I've ever had that I've lost, and I'd give anything for a chance to have most of them back. I'd give anything to have my friendship with this particular friend repair itself. But she's busy. She has a full-time job that involves a commute, and she has a new house, and now she has a wedding to plan.

Which brings me to my wish.

When we were both in happy, committed relationships that we thought were forever, she and I developed a mildly crazy happy of reading wedding magazines and preparing scrapbooks for our dream wedding. We'd talk and talk and plan and plan, and we both KNEW for certain, without any shadow of a doubt, that we'd be heavily involved in each other's weddings. I'm insanely happy for her, but at the same time I'm a little worried. I'm worried that I won't get to be as involved as I once would have been. I'd certainly understand if I wasn't, but it would be kinda like the proof that we aren't as close as we were, and I don't want that. I'm happy living in denial, and hapless hope that one day we'll go back to the way we were.

I wish her (and her fiance) all the best, and I want her to know that I am here for any help she might need with planning, or not.

Hmmm, I should find a wedding present idea and start crafting. I will NOT be making a quilt though.

2012 Fantabulous Things: 76-100

76) Reconnecting with an old friend

77) Red Dwarf - rumour is that it's coming back!

78) Reeses pieces

79) Refresher chews

80) Relaxing in a hot bubble bath with a good book

81) Russell Brand - I saw him live once. My friends and I went to the filming of the Big Fat Quiz of the Year 2007. He was hilarious.



82) Russell Howard - very funny man, and kinda cute too.



83) Sanctuary - the tv show.

84) Sausage and cheese muffins - I make these every Christmas. They're scrumptious.

85) Sherbert burps

86) Sleep

87) Slush puppies

88) Slush puppies with a splash of alcohol

89) Smallville - the tv show

90) Smell of fresh cut grass

91) Smiley face sweets - I may have a mild addiction

92) Sorting paperwork - except when it's regarding my debts

93) Sorting yarn

94) Stephen Fry


95) Stephen Fry and Alan Davies - I'd go and see Stephen Fry anytime, but I'm not sure about Alan Davies on his own. Ripping off Stephen in QI he's excellent. He's coming to Stoke in October - maybe I'll give him a shot.


96) Stickers

97) Superman

98) Supernatural - the tv show

99) Sweet potato biscuits/scones

100) Tall glass of cold orange juice

Discworldathon

I tend to do most of my reading in one of three places. While I'm on the bus, while I'm in the little girl's room, or while I'm in the bath.

Yesterday while I was out doing errands I finished book 2, and got a fifth of the way into book 3. Book 3 is Equal Rites, which is the first book in the Witches Trilogy. Some of my Discworld books are in Anthologies, like the Witches Trilogy. Nice big hefty books. Not so convenient for on a bus.

Last night I went to have a bath, and took the hefty anthology with me. I finished Equal Rites, but I wasn't quite ready to get out of the bath yet, so I started with Wyrd Sisters. This aggravated me a little, because I'd made the decision to read the books in publishing order, but I REALLY wasn't ready to get out of the bath yet, and Wyrd Sisters is only book 6.

I like the bath. I was in there a while. I finished book 6.

So to summarise... 4 books read, 35 to go

Project 200 - 70/130

I know it's been a while, but I've finally finished another Project 200 piece. This one had a several month gap because I needed another ball of yarn that could only be acquired from America. The picture doesn't show very well, but the yarn is sparkly.



70 down
130 to go

You can't run from your past

I've been sat here crying for 20 minutes, wanting to write this blog, but not sure whether I should. But I'm going to. I'm upset, and this is essentially my diary.

A couple of years ago I had some issues at the Brownie unit I was running and the District I was in. I had some bad friends who kept stealing from me, and they stole the Brownies money a couple of times. I couldn't pay it back one time, and I chose to leave before I was pushed. That situation hurt. A lot.

I love Guiding. I've been a Brownie, and a Guide, and I was helping and leading from as soon as I could. I love being a Brownie leader. I love the organising and the fun and I love the friendship with the girls. When I left Hartshill I was hurt, and I didn't go back to Guiding for nearly two years.

But I live in a different District now and last year I started at a new unit. Which I'm really enjoying. The leaders are great people, and the girls are all adorable and fun and friendly. There has been talk of me taking over a unit that has had to close down because the leader just up and quit.

This evening I went to a planning meeting for Thinking Day. I woke up feeling edgy, and didn't want to go. I was feeling antsy and horrible all through the meeting, and then afterwards, the District Commissioner asked to speak to me.

County has been in touch about my "issues" in my last district. The District Commissioner (and the Division Commissioner) need to check on me at the unit, and sit down to have a chat with me. I have a horrible feeling I'm going to be banned from Guiding. Maybe in this County, maybe in the whole flipping country. And I'm pretty sure that even if I'm allowed to keep going, I won't be allowed to take over that other unit.

I feel horrible. I feel like I've sabotaged myself. I've been working so hard recently to sort out the problems I have, and my bad habits. And apparently it doesn't make a bit of difference, because I'm always going to be held back by the mistakes I made in the past.

I'm scared of losing Guiding. My entire family is all about Guiding and Scouting. I have the trefoil tattooed on my back. Somehow I've managed to lose so many things that are important to me and to who I am. I don't want to lose anymore.

Discworldathon

I've finally finished book one - The Colour of Magic. I'd normally have finished it a while ago, but I was reading Zombie Apocalypse at the same time.

So, book one finished, and I'm half way through book to - The Light Fantastic - already.

:-)

2012 Fantabulous Things: 51-75

51) Making a new friend - this is actually in reference to someone specific. She knows who she is.. hopelyy :-)

52) Making something for free that could cost £50. I made myself a nice Yarn Swift out of pegs and coat hangers!

53) Man hugs - I miss these. Very much.

54) Michael Mcintyre - A very funny man, whom I will hopefully be going to see in October - depending on currently dire financial situations.


55) Michaela - my baby baby sister. Otherwise known as Sprogget or Sproggetibog.

56) Mini mochi yarn - Just look at it!!! I'm making a blanket out of it.



57) Mint Vienetta - yummy yummy yum yum.

58) Misfits - brilliant TV show. I thought it'd suffer from the loss of Nathan, but the new guy is kinda funny.

59) Money - so much better when you actually have some.

60) Musty smell of an old book

61) My Family - I do love my family, but in this instance I mean the tv show.

62) Nathan Fillion - the man is pure genius. And sooooo hot.



63) Neil - when I initially added him to this list it was for very very different reazsons, but I still mean it.

64) Once upon a time - the new tv show

65) Parmesan roasted potatoes - they're delicious. I don't think I've had normal roast potatoes since I discovered the recipe.

66) Peanut butter m&ms - unfortunately they aren't available in the UK :(

67) Penguins

68) Penn and Teller - GENIUS!


69) Piles of christmas presents

70) Planning trips

71) Pleasant dreams

72) QI - the most incredible non-fiction show ever

73) Raising hope - another brilliant show

74) Ravelry - not sure how I ever managed without that site

75) Receiving swap packages

Good News!!!

Our Etsy store has made its first sale :-) One of our patterns went. Technically it's nothing of mine. The one thing Cayden had time to finish before we opened, and he sells first.

But it's a start!

Project 200 - 69/131

I've been working on this one for a few months :-)



69 down
131 to go

Introducing Jasper

On Monday evening my good new friend took me on a slightly roundabout trip to Longton, to pick up the newest member of my little feline family.

Meet Jasper.



He's 8 weeks old - born on November 4th - and he had to be rehomed because his owner is moving to Australia in the next couple of months. He is very very tiny.



My good new friend was so enamoured with Jasper's sister that she went back the next day and collected her :-) Who doesn't love kittens?

The Problem with Blogging

I have Depression. This is not news to anybody. Probably also not-news is that I have anxiety issues, self-esteem issues, leaving-the-house issues.... I try very hard to avoid the real world as much as I can. The real world is scary. I can very rarely leave the house without getting some kind of insult from the general public. So I avoid going out. I live my life on my beloved internet. It seems safe to me.

I'm not silly. I am aware that the internet is not particularly safe, and that there are a large percentage of dicks out there. But I avoid those areas. I don't read the comments on videos or memes, I don't go to chat rooms really, and I only use one forum-site (that has strict politeness rules). I manage to keep away from the nasty, and so the internet has become somewhere safe. Somewhere I can find a friend to talk to who will make me feel better, or even good about myself.

And then this week I received a comment on my blog. Someone felt the need to write a nice long comment ripping into me, posted on a blog I'd written about how I generally felt like crap but was trying hard to overcome it.

I've been episoding for several weeks now, and the littlest things can affect me quite badly. Since I received that email alert, I've been afraid to come onto my blog. I was pushed back into a fugue that I was beginning to drag myself out of.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this blog, really. I just feel the need to write. And that's the purpose for my blog. Somewhere for me to rant and ramble and post my acheivements and my failures. I've always loved that blogs provide the possibility that absolutely anyone could read it, but at the moment I'm a little cautious.

I could, of course, disable commenting on my blog. But I won't. I get quite a few very nice, supportive, friendly comments that keep me going. I have deleted the offending comment, and I'm trying very hard to move on. There are valid arguments against everything the commenter said, and even if there weren't I have no reason to value the opinion of someone who makes me feel bad.

To whomever Chronic Misanthropy is... my short, crude response is "fuck off". If you don't like my blog, don't like reading about my life, then DON'T SMEGGING READ IT!

Something that upsets me most, if the possibility that this may be someone I know in real life. If you are someone I know, who feels the need to post anonymous comments on my blog rather than confront me with the way you feel, then please please come forward. Let me know who you are, so I can return the favour and tell you exactly what I think of you.

2012 Fantabulous Things: 1-50

The first sets are alphabetised, because I've stored them that way as I've collected them. They won't always be.

1) A Very Potter Musical

If you're a Harry Potter fan and you haven't already seen this, you must go to Youtube immediately and look at it.

2) American Horror Story

An interesting show that appeared this year.

3) Anita Blake novels

They're actually Laurell K. Hamilton novels about Anita Blake, but you know what I mean.

4) Being a Hogwarts student on Ravelry

5) Big Bang Theory

The TV show, not the event. Although I'm pretty sure the event was fantabulous too.

6) Bill Bailey



7) Blue Man Group

8) Bones

The TV show.

9) Buffy the Vampire Slayer

10) Captain Jack Harkness



11) Captain Jack Sparrow



12) Castle

The TV show with the amazing Nathan Fillion in.

13) Cayden

A very, VERY good friend who's been there for me when other "friends" haven't.

14) Chocolate caramel cookies

I was referring to the ones I made with Rolos and Pecans in a month or so ago. They were gooooood. Must make some more.

15) Christmas

16) Christmas trees

17) Clothes fresh out of the dryer in the winter

18) Cookies in general

19) Dancing in the rain

20) David Tennant



21) Desperate Housewives

22) Discworld



23) Dr Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog

24) Dr Who



25) (A Town Called) Eureka

26) Family Guy

27) Felt!



28) Finishing a project

29) Firefly

Why did they cancel it? Wwwwhhhyyyy???

30) Fresh clean pages of a new notebook

31) Fringe

32) Futurama

33) Generous strangers

34) Glee

35) Going on trips

36) Google

37) Grey's Anatomy

38) Harry Potter Fanfiction

39) Helena Bonham Carter



40) House



41) Jeffery Deaver books

42) Jennie

My likkle middle sister - aka Little Squish

43) Jensen Ackles



44) JK Rowling

45) Johnny Depp



46) Kitten cuddles

47) Kittens and toys

48) Kittens' faces when they singe their tail fur

49) Lee Evans




50) Leverage

The TV show. An American version of Hustle, basically.

2011 into 2012

Where to start? It's really hard to write this post at the moment, considering that I'm in the middle of an Episode and all I really want to do is curl up and cry. Or other things that are not nearly as healthy, but I'll try.

2011 was not the best of years. My relationship with Neil ended in March. I broke up with him, although of course I regret that. I've seen him twice in nearly two years, but my feelings for him haven't changed. I don't foresee them changing any time soon either. I still think of us as together. We both talk and text as though we are. And on the very rare occasions when he's up to it, we meet as though we're still together too. I'm not sure what's going to happen. As long as he's depressed, and we're sixty miles apart, it's not going to be easy. But for some stupid, stupid reason, I can't give up.

The photography missions failed... you might have noticed. It's hard to take pretty pictures when you're living nocturnally and don't have a high-end camera.

Project 200 is still going strong though. It's no longer a one year project. When I made the decision to work harder on opening an Etsy store, me and my adjudicator (Cayden) agreed that it could become a two year project instead of a one year. I'd intended to get to 75 (which is half the number needed for minimum pass) by New Year, but that hasn't happened, because I've been working on the store.

The weightloss failed. Miserably. I think I'm probably at least a stone or two heavier than I was this time last year. I managed to get into a cycle. I'd try and lose weight, put weight on, get depressed, binge eat, put weight on, get depressed... I was advised by a mental health professional to hold off on the weight loss until I had a better handle on the depression.

I got a little better with money. Sort of. I was just starting to get the hang of things, and pay my bills, and start to clear off my debts, and even save a little, when the stupid government decided it'd be a good idea to stop my benefits. They're in the process of switching over everybody on Incapacity Benefit to an Employment Support Allowance thing. They sent me the form, I filled it in, sent it back. And they decided that I had zero of the fifteen required points to qualify for ESA. Which is soooo wrong. And they'd had no information from my doctor either. So I'm appealing. At some point in the next month or two I'll have to go to a tribunal and hopefully they'll give me my benefit back. For a few weeks I had no income whatsoever, and was unsure of my financial future, but they are paying me now. About two thirds of what I was on, so I'm struggling a bit. It's all a big mess, but there's nothing I can do about it until the tribunal.

My depression has wavered a lot this year. It's been hard. I have a new kitten, Lexie:



And in the last few days I've managed to make a brand new friend - meaning that I now have three very close friends. I have about five other friends, all of them far away. I have hundreds of semi-friends on Ravelry who have sent me dozens of Christmas cards and lots of presents. But I'm so lonely. All the time. It doesn't go away.

My family has had a hard year. My youngest sister is now living with her dad, after all kinds of mayhem. My middle sister is barely speaking to our Mum. Most of the time it feels like my entire family has fallen apart, but there's nothing I can do to stop it, or to fix it.

I have lots of plans for 2012, but at the moment I'm struggling to see past how bad I feel at the moment. My sister is married and happy and they're looking for a house; all three of my brothers have beautiful children; two of those brothers are in happy, committed relationships and one of them got married this year. And then there's me. Living alone with my cats and no relationship. Feeling like a complete failure. My best friend in the world and I had a big falling out, and have a very tentative friendship at the moment. The love of my life is lost in a fog of his own depression and I don't know when or if I'll ever see him again. My financial situation is a complete mess, and I have no idea if that'll get better or much more worse. I turn 30 in 2012, and I have absolutely nothing to show for my life.

Aargh! I hadn't intended to get so miserable in this post. I'm going to go and get some food, then I'll come back and write my plans for this shiny new year.

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Okay, so I've had some food (bacon, beans and fried egg - nice healthy start to the year) and I've made some pointless lists and sorted some things out, so I feel a bit better.

I do have some good plans for 2012. Aside from continuing and finishing Project 200, I'm opening an Etsy store! Finally. I've been making plans to do it for a couple of years, but I finally decided that New Year's Day would be the opening day. I have a stock of products ready to go up, the store is all there waiting. We even have business cards!

Celeena Cree Creations!

Don't expect too much: there's nothing in there at the moment. But there will be by the end of the day.

I'm also raising money. I'm doing a Discworldathon to raise money for Alzheimer's Research. I have the first book - Colour of Magic - sat right beside me. I'm going to read a bit in a minute. I've set my first fundraising target at £150, and I've already raised nearly a third of that. I have £7.25 on my Justgiving page. Here! And I have another £39.50 pledged.

My other plan for this year is 2012 Fantabulous Things. I have a couple of hundred things already, and I'll add to them as I think of them, so keep an eye out for that.