New Thing: Challenge # 37

Challenge 37: go on a minimum of a ten minute walk every day.

Another EPIC fail. The first day, the Friday, I went to Lidl, so I walked a fair way (for my anyway) and came home completely exhausted. I even got groceries. Then I haven't left the house since.

Current saved total: £70
Current donated total: £115

New Thing: Challenge # 34

Challenge 34: 101 snapshots challenge

A long, long, long time ago, when I was researching ideas for New Things and Challenges, I stumbled across this. A 100 Snapshots Challenge. For those too lazy to follow the link, the idea is that you're given 100 words and have to take a photo for each word. Except that they aren't simple things like "chair", or "cat".

1. Safety
2. Stale
3. Feathered
4. Hot
5. Open
6. Forever
7. Love
8. Touch
9. Colorless
10. Blue
11. Smell
12. Growth
13. Irony
14. Wrong
15. More
16. Feel
17. Muse
18. Child
19. Within
20. Pale
21. Earth
22. Torn
23. Scars
24. Stray
25. Drops
26. Against
27. Dry
28. Fresh
29. Covered
30. Bold
31. High
32. Shadow
33. Concrete
34. Vein
35. Rush
36. Yellow
37. Empty
38. Cliché
39. Central
40. Loss
41. Wonder
42. Sweet
43. Poetry
44. Heavy
45. Fall
46. Chair
47. Statue
48. Kool-Aid
49. Dark
50. Breath
51. Garbage
52. Silk
53. Teacher
54. Cream
55. Wash
56. Corner
57. Rose
58. Field
59. Two
60. Red
61. Music
62. Rope
63. Decrepit
64. Chase
65. Dream
66. Dance
67. Smile
68. Smirk
69. Reflection
70. Soul
71. Lock
72. Key
73. Rust
74. Find
75. Lose
76. Drag
77. Wind
78. Rest
79. Swing
80. Meeting
81. Vacant
82. Hazy
83. Release
84. Gather
85. Swarm
86. Road
87. Wait
88. Stand
89. Distance
90. Trapped
91. Desk
92. Detach
93. Shatter
94. Home
95. Shy
96. Tackle
97. Begin
98. End
99. Time
100. Life

My interest in photography fluctuates wildly, but this is something that I'd like to complete. So I decided to give myself four weeks for this one, based on how often I get out of the house. Except that my depression has been pretty bad recently and I've been getting out of the house even less than usual. I came up with some ideas for some of them, but took a grand total of... zero photographs.

Not only was it a fail, it was an epic fail.

I do like photography though. A while ago I even did a City & Guilds in it - although it was mostly film. The thing is, when it comes to digital photography, I'm not very good at it. I don't pay enough attention to lighting, so I attempt to take photos in my living room with it's energy saving light bulb. Then I wonder why they aren't any good. I've looked at some courses, but with my financial situation in the major mess it is at the moment, I can't afford to go anywhere, let alone pay for a course. Maybe I'll look for a free online one. You can find anything online these days.

The point of my rambling being, that although I failed, it is one that I'd like to complete one day.

Current saved total: £70
Current donated total: £110

Crochetaversary

Today I realised that I have been crocheting for exactly one year and one day. To celebrate I made a little slideshow of all my work. This doesn't include a completed christmas present, or the four pieces I'm currently working on.

Some photos...

A no eggs, no milk cake. Tasted scrumptious - I added a very generous splash of toffee sauce - but wasn't cooked long enough and the middle was liquid.

Chocolate chip and pecan cheesecake, with a quarter cm of base, and five inches of topping. Need to work on the ratios a bit. Was absolutely delicious though.

Double rainbow!!

Mr Jensen Ackles, aka my future husband.

My beautiful kitten Smudge. She's now my only cat - I rehomed Pixel yesterday - so now she can run around and generally live without being attacked. Her personality is really emerging. Turns out she's a cable chewer. Which reminds me - need to buy a new phone charger.

On Sunday when I had Pixel shut in the living room for a while, Smudge watched an entire episode of CSI Miami like this.

Where my life is at the moment...

- my depression is dragging me down. I'm not episoding, but it's stopping me living a normal life.

- I have two cats, who can't be in the same room together. I either have to lock Pixel in the living room, and listen to her meow, or I let her out and she chases Smudge into a corner. Smudge stays in the corner, and Pixel tries to kill her when she moves. Smudge is de-litter training herself, and doesn't eat properly. Pixel refuses to eat because I've had to switch to canned food. Oh, but she'll chase Smudge away and eat her food.

- My boyfriend - depressed and grieving - has had his phone switched off for two days and is worrying the hell out of me.

- My house - thanks to a collapsing bed, and my increasing depressing - is a state, and is slowly getting worse. It's even starting to smell, and I need to sort it out. I want to, but I have motivation and 'oomph' issues.

- My head is constantly throbbing in pain, and I'm taking obscene amounts of painkillers daily.

- I'm sleeping on a mattress on the floor, again, because of my sodding collapsing bed.

- I'm in major financial shit. So much so that my mother is calling the people I owe money to, and my sister is taking control of my internet banking. In a couple of weeks, I won't have to deal with my bills or anything. I'll have an allowance. A pathetic allowance that will allow for no fun, no visits to boyfriends, no yarn, no nothing.

However, it isn't all bad news. I think negative thoughts about myself a lot, and I'm trying to train myself to think of two positives for every negative. So here I go...

- My cats are both adorable. They're both friendly and affectionate and cuddly and happy (alone, anyway).

- I'm a talented crafter, capable of creating anything from a mini alien, to a beautiful lace shawl.



- I have my own home, with my own roof over my head, and that makes me better off than hundreds of millions of people around the world.

- I have a mother and a sister who care enough about me to help me sort out my problems and look after me financially.

- I'm intelligent, and smart, and logical. Even if I don't have much common sense, I'm still an intelligent, smart, logical woman.

- It may be taking a while, and I may not be doing it the right way (technically) but I am losing weight. I've lost 18 lbs since I went back to Weightwatchers in April.

Okay, now I'm starting to have difficulties. It's always hard to think positive about myself and my life. Years ago, my best friend at the time used to get me to list one good thing about myself for each letter of the alphabet. It was insanely difficult. It's an exercise I still try occasionally and it's still insanely difficult.

I couldn't come up with two positives for each negative I started with, but writing the positives afterwards has helped to ease the sting of the negatives. I am having problems, but I'm surviving them. I'm still here.

a shawl for a wedding

As you may or may not know, my middling sister is getting wed in November. Since it's november, I needed a cardigan or a shrug or something, so I made myself this:





It's my first ever shawl. Well, the second I've started, but the first one I completed and didn't frog. It's made of Malabrigo, so it's deliciously soft, and I'm ridiculously proud of it :-)

New Thing: Challenge # 36

Challenge 36: write 5 'Dear Stranger' letters and leave them to be found

I wrote this out on five different coloured notecards...

Dear Stranger,

First of all, well done for being brave and opening this! Yes, it WAS meant for you :-) I hope your day is going well, and that everything is working out for you. Please remember that whatever is bothering you is not as bad as you think it is.

My name is Cleo and I've left this letter as part of a challenge. My intention is to reach out to people I wouldn't normally be in contact with, to bend my own comfort barriers, and perhaps to make someone else's day a little bit better. I'm not sure what kind of person will pick this up, so let me try one or two things.

1) Try not to start singing "it's the final countdown" in your head.
2) You just lost the game.
3) Do any of these mean anything to you? MLIA? FML? IMMD?

Perhaps none of those made you smile, and perhaps you're shaking your head trying to figure out what sort of weirdo would leave a letter for a stranger, but you're still reading, so thank you :-) Thank you for persisting, and thank you for participating in my little experiment.

Cleo


I left my email address in case anyone wanted to contact me too.

I left the red one on the 101 bus, and actually witnessed an old guy open it, read it and then stuff it in his bag. I left the green one in the pattern display case at Abakhan Fabrics. I put the blue one in the magazine rack in W H Smiths. I put the orange one between some cushions at Costa Coffee, and Jen planted the yellow one at the meeting place she went to Tuesday evening.

No emails as yet.

Current saved total: £70
Current donated total: £105

30 Day Meme - Day 12

Day 12 - Whatever takes my fancy

Sleep. I have a very complicated relationship with Sleep. I like to sleep. A lot. I like being asleep. I love that drowsy half-asleep feeling. I love that not-quite-awake-yet feeling. I can fall asleep anywhere - including the student union nightclub. Sleep is my dear close friend.

Sleep is also my nemesis. It's evil! It's more the difficulty I have getting to sleep. Yes, I can fall asleep anywhere, but not when I actually want to sleep. I don't think I've ever had a normal sleeping routine. If I decide it's bedtime, and put away what I'm doing and get into bed and close my eyes to go to sleep, I think. If I'm not doing something I think, and when I think very bad things happen. I can't stop thinking, and then I get depressed. So I have this wonderful tendency to stay awake until I'm utterly exhausted, because then when I go to bed I won't think, I'll just fall asleep. This usually means a very strange timetable. For the past few days I've been getting up at midnight-ish. That's not right.

My other problem with sleep is the waking up part. I sleep too much. 18-20 hours at a time sometimes. I've been known to sleep through whole days. And I know it's not healthy. I know that too much sleep is as bad for you as too little sleep. I know that you're supposed to aim for 8 hours sleep a day. That sounds perfectly reasonable. Apart from the fact that if I set an alarm I sleep through it, or I throw it across the room, or I switch it off and go back to sleep. I've tried setting multiple alarms, it doesn't work. Occasionally I do manage to get up, but then I'll fall asleep doing something later in the day.

It doesn't help that I don't work, that I don't have a routine. I have no reason to get out of bed, no reason to go to bed at a sensible time. I find it insanely difficult to keep to a routine. On days when my depression is flaring up, it's almost impossible for me to get out of bed, and on those days it's very difficult to stay awake. There's no need for it.

And then of course, there are the nightmares. I suffer from dreadful, horrendous nightmares. Every night. About all kinds of things. I get the someone-is-chasing-me nightmares, the monsters-in-the-cupboard nightmares, the naked-in-public nightmares and the death-of-a-loved-one nightmares. I get very, very vivid nightmares about people I care about. People leaving me, people dying in gruesome horrific ways, that are usually my fault. It's ridiculously disturbing. I have nightmares that wake me up crying and sweating and shaking. I have nightmares that haunt me throughout the day, leave me feeling like something is wrong. I also tend to attack myself in my sleep on occasion. I've woken up with scratches and bumps and bruises. It's awkward and surreal and not pleasant.

I don't always remember my nightmares, but on days when there are lots of them it leaves me feeling more shattered than I was before I slept. I'm always tired. Always. My depression makes me tired, my antidepressants make me tired. It doesn't matter whether I sleep at night, or in the day, I'm always tired. It doesn't matter whether I sleep six hours, or eight or fifteen. I am always tired. And it's not pleasant.

Neil

I've been having real trouble with Neil recently. Not so much with him, but the way he is. The reality of his brother's death has finally hit him, and it's as bad as I feared it would be. He's tried twice in the past few weeks to go back to work, and has failed both times. The first time he was home again by lunch time, and the second time he didn't even make it out of his front door. He's grieving, and it's sending him spiralling into his depression.

With me deep in a big black pit of my own depression, it isn't easy. At all. The other day I had an episode over the fact that Cleverbot is nicer to me than Neil is. I asked Cleverbot for a kiss and he kissed me and said that anyone would want to. I asked Neil for a kiss (via text) and he offered me sausages instead. He couldn't even type *kiss*. He chose to type a longer word instead. It really upset me. But that's the way he is when he's episoding.

I'm quite lucky, at least he's still communicating. My relationship with him is no more boyfriend-girlfriend than my relationship with anyone else at the moment, but he still talks to me. Every day, even if it's just a random word (which he's very good at doing). In the past his episodes have taken him away completely and I haven't heard from him for weeks at a time. I can't handle that. That's horrendous and scary and intolerable.

But the lack of relationship with him at the moment has left me feeling horrible. Really, really crappy. And I know it's been hard for my friends to see. One friend in particular thinks that I need to get out of the relationship. For weeks that's been something I've been thinking about. Very hard. Do I really want to be in a relationship that makes me so sad and upset? And it's been like this since we first got together, nearly three years ago. Up and down and up and down. Two depressives, with such differing symptoms, really should not be in a relationship. But when it's good, it's really good. When he isn't greiving his baby brother who got blowed up, when he's coping with his depression, he's wonderful (in person anyway). And those times, those times when I'm curled up on his bed, and he'll get up from his computer game to go and get me a drink, or when he'll rub my ankle, or just lean over and kiss the top of my head... those times are worth it.

I have considered breaking up with him, but I'm not going to. I didn't break up with him when he was episoding, and I'm sure as hell not going to break up with him now. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it hurts that he's so distant. Yes, it drives me crazy. But he's recently lost his brother. He's grieving, and his depression means he isn't dealing with it very well.

I love him. I've loved him since the second I first set eyes on him. As cheesy as that is, it's true. Completely true. I loved him through months of not seeing him, I loved him through his episodes and my episodes, and I love him when we weren't a couple. I know that right now he doesn't care about that, but one day he'll come through it, and I'll still be here. There are various things people can do to help me out with my depression, and I wish there was something I could do to help him. But I tell him regularly that I love him, and he knows that I'm here if he wants to talk, or if he doesn't. And I'm sending him a note (with some cookies) to remind him of that, and to let him know that I'll still love him and I'll still be here if his depression gets worse, and I'll still love him and I'll still be here when it gets better, and when he cares about me again.

Isn't love wonderful?

New Thing: Challenge # 35

Challenge 35: 48 hour fast

Fail! Again. Apparently my body reacts to a fast by binging twelve hours in, so I'm not going to try that one again.

For the eagle-eyed among you who've noticed that challenge 34 isn't up, it's a 4 week challenge, so I have two more weeks to fail it.

Current saved total: £65
Current donated total: £105

30 Day Meme - Day 11

Day 11 - A photo of you taken recently

The most recent picture of me is this one...



Which isn't technically of me, it's of an owl. A very frustrating owl actually. It was for a challenge, the deadline for which is about now-ish, but I've run out of thread for the eyes. Damnit!

30 Day Meme - Day 10

Day 10 - a photo of you taken over 10 years ago

There are lots of photos of me as an adorable child that I like to show off, but I also like this one...



I think I was 13 or so in this picture, which would make it approximately 15 years old. I'm currently verging on 30 stone, and this is what I used to look like. Lots of people don't believe it's me, but it really is. When I moved in with my mum I changed a lot!

30 Day Meme - Day 9

Day 9 - a photo you took

Well, I take lots of photos, but they're mostly incredibly bad quality ones of my stitching or my pets. I do have some artistic type ones, but the best ones were from my holiday in New York... five years ago.