Random Ramblings of Cel'eena Cree

2012 Fantabulous Things: 76-100

2012-02-06T05:06:00.005Z

76) Reconnecting with an old friend

77) Red Dwarf - rumour is that it's coming back!

78) Reeses pieces

79) Refresher chews

80) Relaxing in a hot bubble bath with a good book

81) Russell Brand - I saw him live once. My friends and I went to the filming of the Big Fat Quiz of the Year 2007. He was hilarious.

82) Russell Howard - very funny man, and kinda cute too.

83) Sanctuary - the tv show.

84) Sausage and cheese muffins - I make these every Christmas. They're scrumptious.

85) Sherbert burps

86) Sleep

87) Slush puppies

88) Slush puppies with a splash of alcohol

89) Smallville - the tv show

90) Smell of fresh cut grass

91) Smiley face sweets - I may have a mild addiction

92) Sorting paperwork - except when it's regarding my debts

93) Sorting yarn

94) Stephen Fry

95) Stephen Fry and Alan Davies - I'd go and see Stephen Fry anytime, but I'm not sure about Alan Davies on his own. Ripping off Stephen in QI he's excellent. He's coming to Stoke in October - maybe I'll give him a shot.

96) Stickers

97) Superman

98) Supernatural - the tv show

99) Sweet potato biscuits/scones

100) Tall glass of cold orange juice

Discworldathon

2012-02-01T09:07:00.002Z

I tend to do most of my reading in one of three places. While I'm on the bus, while I'm in the little girl's room, or while I'm in the bath.

Yesterday while I was out doing errands I finished book 2, and got a fifth of the way into book 3. Book 3 is Equal Rites, which is the first book in the Witches Trilogy. Some of my Discworld books are in Anthologies, like the Witches Trilogy. Nice big hefty books. Not so convenient for on a bus.

Last night I went to have a bath, and took the hefty anthology with me. I finished Equal Rites, but I wasn't quite ready to get out of the bath yet, so I started with Wyrd Sisters. This aggravated me a little, because I'd made the decision to read the books in publishing order, but I REALLY wasn't ready to get out of the bath yet, and Wyrd Sisters is only book 6.

I like the bath. I was in there a while. I finished book 6.

So to summarise... 4 books read, 35 to go

Project 200 - 70/130

2012-01-27T23:55:00.003Z

I know it's been a while, but I've finally finished another Project 200 piece. This one had a several month gap because I needed another ball of yarn that could only be acquired from America. The picture doesn't show very well, but the yarn is sparkly.

70 down
130 to go

You can't run from your past

2012-01-24T21:18:00.003Z

I've been sat here crying for 20 minutes, wanting to write this blog, but not sure whether I should. But I'm going to. I'm upset, and this is essentially my diary.

A couple of years ago I had some issues at the Brownie unit I was running and the District I was in. I had some bad friends who kept stealing from me, and they stole the Brownies money a couple of times. I couldn't pay it back one time, and I chose to leave before I was pushed. That situation hurt. A lot.

I love Guiding. I've been a Brownie, and a Guide, and I was helping and leading from as soon as I could. I love being a Brownie leader. I love the organising and the fun and I love the friendship with the girls. When I left Hartshill I was hurt, and I didn't go back to Guiding for nearly two years.

But I live in a different District now and last year I started at a new unit. Which I'm really enjoying. The leaders are great people, and the girls are all adorable and fun and friendly. There has been talk of me taking over a unit that has had to close down because the leader just up and quit.

This evening I went to a planning meeting for Thinking Day. I woke up feeling edgy, and didn't want to go. I was feeling antsy and horrible all through the meeting, and then afterwards, the District Commissioner asked to speak to me.

County has been in touch about my "issues" in my last district. The District Commissioner (and the Division Commissioner) need to check on me at the unit, and sit down to have a chat with me. I have a horrible feeling I'm going to be banned from Guiding. Maybe in this County, maybe in the whole flipping country. And I'm pretty sure that even if I'm allowed to keep going, I won't be allowed to take over that other unit.

I feel horrible. I feel like I've sabotaged myself. I've been working so hard recently to sort out the problems I have, and my bad habits. And apparently it doesn't make a bit of difference, because I'm always going to be held back by the mistakes I made in the past.

I'm scared of losing Guiding. My entire family is all about Guiding and Scouting. I have the trefoil tattooed on my back. Somehow I've managed to lose so many things that are important to me and to who I am. I don't want to lose anymore.

Discworldathon

2012-01-23T16:31:00.002Z

I've finally finished book one - The Colour of Magic. I'd normally have finished it a while ago, but I was reading Zombie Apocalypse at the same time.

So, book one finished, and I'm half way through book to - The Light Fantastic - already.

:-)

2012 Fantabulous Things: 51-75

2012-01-22T00:13:00.006Z

51) Making a new friend - this is actually in reference to someone specific. She knows who she is.. hopelyy :-)

52) Making something for free that could cost £50. I made myself a nice Yarn Swift out of pegs and coat hangers!

53) Man hugs - I miss these. Very much.

54) Michael Mcintyre - A very funny man, whom I will hopefully be going to see in October - depending on currently dire financial situations.

55) Michaela - my baby baby sister. Otherwise known as Sprogget or Sproggetibog.

56) Mini mochi yarn - Just look at it!!! I'm making a blanket out of it.

57) Mint Vienetta - yummy yummy yum yum.

58) Misfits - brilliant TV show. I thought it'd suffer from the loss of Nathan, but the new guy is kinda funny.

59) Money - so much better when you actually have some.

60) Musty smell of an old book

61) My Family - I do love my family, but in this instance I mean the tv show.

62) Nathan Fillion - the man is pure genius. And sooooo hot.

63) Neil - when I initially added him to this list it was for very very different reazsons, but I still mean it.

64) Once upon a time - the new tv show

65) Parmesan roasted potatoes - they're delicious. I don't think I've had normal roast potatoes since I discovered the recipe.

66) Peanut butter m&ms - unfortunately they aren't available in the UK :(

67) Penguins

68) Penn and Teller - GENIUS!

69) Piles of christmas presents

70) Planning trips

71) Pleasant dreams

72) QI - the most incredible non-fiction show ever

73) Raising hope - another brilliant show

74) Ravelry - not sure how I ever managed without that site

75) Receiving swap packages

Good News!!!

2012-01-14T18:53:00.002Z

Our Etsy store has made its first sale :-) One of our patterns went. Technically it's nothing of mine. The one thing Cayden had time to finish before we opened, and he sells first.

But it's a start!

Project 200 - 69/131

2012-01-14T18:49:00.003Z

I've been working on this one for a few months :-)

69 down
131 to go

Introducing Jasper

2012-01-05T00:16:00.006Z

On Monday evening my good new friend took me on a slightly roundabout trip to Longton, to pick up the newest member of my little feline family.

Meet Jasper.

He's 8 weeks old - born on November 4th - and he had to be rehomed because his owner is moving to Australia in the next couple of months. He is very very tiny.

My good new friend was so enamoured with Jasper's sister that she went back the next day and collected her :-) Who doesn't love kittens?

The Problem with Blogging

2012-01-05T00:04:00.002Z

I have Depression. This is not news to anybody. Probably also not-news is that I have anxiety issues, self-esteem issues, leaving-the-house issues.... I try very hard to avoid the real world as much as I can. The real world is scary. I can very rarely leave the house without getting some kind of insult from the general public. So I avoid going out. I live my life on my beloved internet. It seems safe to me.

I'm not silly. I am aware that the internet is not particularly safe, and that there are a large percentage of dicks out there. But I avoid those areas. I don't read the comments on videos or memes, I don't go to chat rooms really, and I only use one forum-site (that has strict politeness rules). I manage to keep away from the nasty, and so the internet has become somewhere safe. Somewhere I can find a friend to talk to who will make me feel better, or even good about myself.

And then this week I received a comment on my blog. Someone felt the need to write a nice long comment ripping into me, posted on a blog I'd written about how I generally felt like crap but was trying hard to overcome it.

I've been episoding for several weeks now, and the littlest things can affect me quite badly. Since I received that email alert, I've been afraid to come onto my blog. I was pushed back into a fugue that I was beginning to drag myself out of.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this blog, really. I just feel the need to write. And that's the purpose for my blog. Somewhere for me to rant and ramble and post my acheivements and my failures. I've always loved that blogs provide the possibility that absolutely anyone could read it, but at the moment I'm a little cautious.

I could, of course, disable commenting on my blog. But I won't. I get quite a few very nice, supportive, friendly comments that keep me going. I have deleted the offending comment, and I'm trying very hard to move on. There are valid arguments against everything the commenter said, and even if there weren't I have no reason to value the opinion of someone who makes me feel bad.

To whomever Chronic Misanthropy is... my short, crude response is "fuck off". If you don't like my blog, don't like reading about my life, then DON'T SMEGGING READ IT!

Something that upsets me most, if the possibility that this may be someone I know in real life. If you are someone I know, who feels the need to post anonymous comments on my blog rather than confront me with the way you feel, then please please come forward. Let me know who you are, so I can return the favour and tell you exactly what I think of you.

2012 Fantabulous Things: 1-50

2012-01-01T02:33:00.016Z

The first sets are alphabetised, because I've stored them that way as I've collected them. They won't always be.

1) A Very Potter Musical

If you're a Harry Potter fan and you haven't already seen this, you must go to Youtube immediately and look at it.

2) American Horror Story

An interesting show that appeared this year.

3) Anita Blake novels

They're actually Laurell K. Hamilton novels about Anita Blake, but you know what I mean.

4) Being a Hogwarts student on Ravelry

5) Big Bang Theory

The TV show, not the event. Although I'm pretty sure the event was fantabulous too.

6) Bill Bailey

7) Blue Man Group

8) Bones

The TV show.

9) Buffy the Vampire Slayer

10) Captain Jack Harkness

11) Captain Jack Sparrow

12) Castle

The TV show with the amazing Nathan Fillion in.

13) Cayden

A very, VERY good friend who's been there for me when other "friends" haven't.

14) Chocolate caramel cookies

I was referring to the ones I made with Rolos and Pecans in a month or so ago. They were gooooood. Must make some more.

15) Christmas

16) Christmas trees

17) Clothes fresh out of the dryer in the winter

18) Cookies in general

19) Dancing in the rain

20) David Tennant

21) Desperate Housewives

22) Discworld

23) Dr Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog

24) Dr Who

25) (A Town Called) Eureka

26) Family Guy

27) Felt!

28) Finishing a project

29) Firefly

Why did they cancel it? Wwwwhhhyyyy???

30) Fresh clean pages of a new notebook

31) Fringe

32) Futurama

33) Generous strangers

34) Glee

35) Going on trips

36) Google

37) Grey's Anatomy

38) Harry Potter Fanfiction

39) Helena Bonham Carter

40) House

41) Jeffery Deaver books

42) Jennie

My likkle middle sister - aka Little Squish

43) Jensen Ackles

44) JK Rowling

45) Johnny Depp

46) Kitten cuddles

47) Kittens and toys

48) Kittens' faces when they singe their tail fur

49) Lee Evans

50) Leverage

The TV show. An American version of Hustle, basically.

2011 into 2012

2012-01-01T00:28:00.004Z

Where to start? It's really hard to write this post at the moment, considering that I'm in the middle of an Episode and all I really want to do is curl up and cry. Or other things that are not nearly as healthy, but I'll try.

2011 was not the best of years. My relationship with Neil ended in March. I broke up with him, although of course I regret that. I've seen him twice in nearly two years, but my feelings for him haven't changed. I don't foresee them changing any time soon either. I still think of us as together. We both talk and text as though we are. And on the very rare occasions when he's up to it, we meet as though we're still together too. I'm not sure what's going to happen. As long as he's depressed, and we're sixty miles apart, it's not going to be easy. But for some stupid, stupid reason, I can't give up.

The photography missions failed... you might have noticed. It's hard to take pretty pictures when you're living nocturnally and don't have a high-end camera.

Project 200 is still going strong though. It's no longer a one year project. When I made the decision to work harder on opening an Etsy store, me and my adjudicator (Cayden) agreed that it could become a two year project instead of a one year. I'd intended to get to 75 (which is half the number needed for minimum pass) by New Year, but that hasn't happened, because I've been working on the store.

The weightloss failed. Miserably. I think I'm probably at least a stone or two heavier than I was this time last year. I managed to get into a cycle. I'd try and lose weight, put weight on, get depressed, binge eat, put weight on, get depressed... I was advised by a mental health professional to hold off on the weight loss until I had a better handle on the depression.

I got a little better with money. Sort of. I was just starting to get the hang of things, and pay my bills, and start to clear off my debts, and even save a little, when the stupid government decided it'd be a good idea to stop my benefits. They're in the process of switching over everybody on Incapacity Benefit to an Employment Support Allowance thing. They sent me the form, I filled it in, sent it back. And they decided that I had zero of the fifteen required points to qualify for ESA. Which is soooo wrong. And they'd had no information from my doctor either. So I'm appealing. At some point in the next month or two I'll have to go to a tribunal and hopefully they'll give me my benefit back. For a few weeks I had no income whatsoever, and was unsure of my financial future, but they are paying me now. About two thirds of what I was on, so I'm struggling a bit. It's all a big mess, but there's nothing I can do about it until the tribunal.

My depression has wavered a lot this year. It's been hard. I have a new kitten, Lexie:

And in the last few days I've managed to make a brand new friend - meaning that I now have three very close friends. I have about five other friends, all of them far away. I have hundreds of semi-friends on Ravelry who have sent me dozens of Christmas cards and lots of presents. But I'm so lonely. All the time. It doesn't go away.

My family has had a hard year. My youngest sister is now living with her dad, after all kinds of mayhem. My middle sister is barely speaking to our Mum. Most of the time it feels like my entire family has fallen apart, but there's nothing I can do to stop it, or to fix it.

I have lots of plans for 2012, but at the moment I'm struggling to see past how bad I feel at the moment. My sister is married and happy and they're looking for a house; all three of my brothers have beautiful children; two of those brothers are in happy, committed relationships and one of them got married this year. And then there's me. Living alone with my cats and no relationship. Feeling like a complete failure. My best friend in the world and I had a big falling out, and have a very tentative friendship at the moment. The love of my life is lost in a fog of his own depression and I don't know when or if I'll ever see him again. My financial situation is a complete mess, and I have no idea if that'll get better or much more worse. I turn 30 in 2012, and I have absolutely nothing to show for my life.

Aargh! I hadn't intended to get so miserable in this post. I'm going to go and get some food, then I'll come back and write my plans for this shiny new year.

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Okay, so I've had some food (bacon, beans and fried egg - nice healthy start to the year) and I've made some pointless lists and sorted some things out, so I feel a bit better.

I do have some good plans for 2012. Aside from continuing and finishing Project 200, I'm opening an Etsy store! Finally. I've been making plans to do it for a couple of years, but I finally decided that New Year's Day would be the opening day. I have a stock of products ready to go up, the store is all there waiting. We even have business cards!

Celeena Cree Creations!

Don't expect too much: there's nothing in there at the moment. But there will be by the end of the day.

I'm also raising money. I'm doing a Discworldathon to raise money for Alzheimer's Research. I have the first book - Colour of Magic - sat right beside me. I'm going to read a bit in a minute. I've set my first fundraising target at £150, and I've already raised nearly a third of that. I have £7.25 on my Justgiving page. Here! And I have another £39.50 pledged.

My other plan for this year is 2012 Fantabulous Things. I have a couple of hundred things already, and I'll add to them as I think of them, so keep an eye out for that.

On the Fourth Day of Mario...

2011-12-30T05:01:00.005Z

...my Nerdness gave to me...

...one Yoshi egg...

...a litle angry bird thing and a question block...

...one Italian plumber...

...an uncompleted border and some temporary tacking!

On the Third Day of Mario...

2011-12-29T04:13:00.004Z

...my Nerdness gave to me...

...a litle angry bird thing and a question block...

...one Italian plumber...

...an uncompleted border and some temporary tacking!

Project 200 - 68/132

2011-12-28T21:08:00.001Z

A neat little Christmas tree :-) Maybe I should have put eyes on it?

68 down
132 to go

On the Second Day of Mario...

2011-12-28T00:51:00.004Z

...my Nerdness gave to me...

...one Italian plumber...

...an uncompleted border and some temporary tacking!

On the First Day of *still censored"...

2011-12-26T21:43:00.004Z

...my Nerdness gave to me...

...an uncompleted border and some temporary tacking!

Tune in tomorrow for the first proper picture and the removal of the censoring.

My Christmas Post

2011-12-26T21:23:00.018Z

So... are you ready for a nice picture-intensive post about my Christmas day? No? Tough :P

I started off the day with some delicious Sausage and Cheese muffins...

Then I put my prepared-on-Christmas-eve turkey in the oven and spent a few hours staring wistfully at my pile of presents.

Actually, I watched The Santa Clause and did some crochet, but I just wanted to show off how many presents I had :P

My turkey was a magnificent success!

The kitties enjoyed it too.

Lexie wasn't too happy with the hat from her cracker though. Hehehe

Then it was time for presents! And my god, I was spoiled. Aside from books and chocolate and teddy bears...

... and jewellery and socks and monkeys and candles and soaps and bubble bath... I got 34 balls of yarn! 34!!!

They varied from small balls of toy yarn, to huge expensive hanks of yarn that were specifically dyed for me. Look at them!

And I got this amazing little angel ornament that someone made for me.

And oh oh oh! One of the partners I got in a swap makes a living from handmaking colourful accessories and things. She made me this cute little Slytherin bag...

Check out the label she put in it.

Even the cats got presents. Quite a few actually. Here's one of their favourites.

And finally, just before the Doctor Who Christmas special, it was time for dessert. When we were little girls, Dad used to make Jennie and I a baked alaska for Christmas dessert, but once Tracy and the boys came along, it just wasn't possible. So this year I made my own.

That's chocolate cake, with mint choc chip ice cream on top, covered in meringue and stuck under the grill to brown. It was delicious, but took a bit of a strange effort to make.

Lol.

I hope you all had a lovely day :-)

A Christmas Prayer

2011-12-25T21:58:00.002Z

I'm not a religious person, but I do consider myself to be kind of spiritual. I don't believe in God, but I believe in an unknown higher power. And I'd like, now that I've finished with all the food and the presents and the Christmas tv, to take a minute to send out a virtual prayer-type message.

I've been incredibly blessed this year, by all the generous people on Ravelry who've sent me enough presents to keep me occupied unwrapping for hours. And there are over a hundred Christmas cards adorning the walls of my home. A lot of the time I feel so very lonely, and it's times like this when I realise I'm not. They may not be next door, or even a text message away, but there are a lot of people out there who care what happens to me. And I am so immensely thankful to that unknown higher power for that.

I'm thankful for my family. Even though we've become even more fragmented in recent months, I still love my family, and I know that they love me. And I'm thankful for my friends. Consistent friends, friends who drifted but are returning, and brand shiny new ones. All of you are amazing, and you keep me going.

I'm thankful for the Internet too. As a depressive shut-in, the Internet is my lifeline. I don't get a thousand visitors a minute on this blog, but just knowing that my words are out there and have the possibility of being read by anyone, makes me feel important.

Merry Christmas to all you people out there. I hope you've had a good day, and I hope that tomorrow is good, and the next day and the next day. I hope that you are loved, and that you love. I hope that you enjoy what you do, whatever you do. I hope that you can smile occasionally and realise that perhaps life isn't so bad after all.

Project 200 - 67/133

2011-12-25T12:50:00.003Z

For this one you very nearly ended up with a picture of Lexie. She ran off with it overnight. The only reason you have a picture now is because she stupidly brought it out to play with just now and I could rescue it.

Have a very seasonal Christmas angel.

This is the second of a two-parter. It goes with the Devil from
here.

67 down
133 to go

Project 200 - 66/134

2011-12-24T17:39:00.002Z

A piece of filet crochet. Or fillet crochet. I never know how to spell that.

66 down
134 to go

A tiny heart-warming moment

2011-12-23T04:10:00.002Z

It's 4 o'clock in the morning and I'm awake not because of my stupid timetable. I've actually been managing to keep to a fairly decent schedule recently. I'm awake because I'm having another attack of that back/stomach pain thing again. I don't know if I mentioned it on here.

I took some painkillers and sat in the only position that doesn't hurt - sat at the desk and hunched over a pillow. I put on my favouritest Christmas movie ever - The Santa Clause, and I waited for long few hours ahead to come to an end.

Once the pain started to ease a little, I sat back, and leaned my head against the wall behind me. Next thing I know, I'm watching a Christmas movie with Smudge curled up on my chest, and Lexie curled up on the desk just in front of me.

I enjoyed the cuddles, and enjoyed the moment. I have a large family, even though I'm not particularly close to most of them. Even those that I am close to, I'm geographically far from. This Christmas, Smudge and Lexie are my family, and it was really nice to be curled up with the two of them watching a Christmas movie.

Just thought I'd share my little middle-of-the-night heart-warming moment.

Project 200 - 65/135

2011-12-20T12:31:00.002Z

We Wish You a Merry Christmas, We Wish You a Merry Christmas, We Wish You a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!

Only 5 days til Christmas!!!

65 down
135 to go

Discworldathon

2011-12-14T22:45:00.003Z

Do you know who this man is?

Do you know where this is?

That man is Terry Pratchett. He is the creator of that wonderful place: The Discworld. His novels and stories of the occupants of Discworld are amazing, and they've just kept coming and coming for as long as I can remember.

The future of Discworld is now uncertain, because Terry Pratchett has Alzheimers disease, and in the years to come he will suffer (among other things) confusion, trouble with language, and severe memory loss.

In an effort to pay tribute to this incredible man, I'm partaking upon a Discworldathon. In the year 2012 I intend to read all 39 of the Discworld novels, in order to raise money for Alzheimer's Research UK.

Please sponsor me. As little, or as much, as you can afford. Every penny will help.

http://www.justgiving.com/Colette-Horsburgh

And please pass on this news to your family and friends and colleagues. Spread the word, and help me support Terry Pratchett, Discworld, and Alzheimer's Research UK.

Coming soon...

2011-12-10T21:07:00.001Z

One of my Project 200 pieces is a big piece with lots of littler pieces. I'm not sure why, but I got the idea to do them in a series, after Christmas, in a blog special.

Project 200 - 64/136

2011-12-09T11:07:00.003Z

I've done another one. This one will be made into a Christmas card and sold in my Etsy store.

64 down
136 to go

Project 200 - 63/137

2011-12-06T16:53:00.004Z

Duh... duh... duh... Another one bites the dust!

Two pinwheel placemats and coasters. I'm gonna use them for Christmas. Well, one set at least.

63 down
137 to go

Celeena Cree Creations

2011-12-03T16:22:00.004Z

Guess what I got in the post this week. Well, aside from a bunch of Christmas cards and a couple of swap packages (now residing under my Christmas tree)... these arrived.

The official open date for my Etsy store is January 1st 2012. Plans for this month include finalising the PDFs for the patterns I've created, nagging Cayden until he gets round to giving me the things he's made for the store, finishing off some beading pieces and photographing everything on our nice background.

I'm very excited :D I'm not expecting to make millions, but I'd like to get some business at least. Pass on the word!

Project 200 - 62/138

2011-12-03T16:15:00.001Z

And another one..

My plan is to hit 75 by the New Year. That way at the halfway point I'm halfway to the minimum needed for a pass. Which means I need to do another 13. It's doable. I've got one that's finished already, it's just blocking. Another should be finished either tonight or tomorrow. And there are four mini Christmas cross stitches I want to do. We'll see how it goes.

62 down
138 to go

Project 200 - 61/139

2011-11-27T10:34:00.002Z

I've done another one. A nerdy one this time.

61 down
139 to go

32 days

2011-11-23T06:43:00.004Z

So guess what? It's nearly Christmas!! And I'm a little bit excited about it. This is nothing new. I've always loved Christmas. I tend to start getting excited about it in July. But I've seen the three signs of the Apocal... three signs of Christmas:

1) The Coca-Cola Christmas Advert
2) Children in Need has been on
3) I've received my first Christmas card

So I can officially start celebrating. And I'm not using Christmas to desperate cling to in order to distract myself from the chaos my life is in at the moment. Honest.

Okay, well maybe a little bit. But why shouldn't I? I'm am holding back though. Or trying to.

I brought myself a new Christmas tree, and it's already up. But mostly to see if it constructed okay, and to see how the cats dealt with it. Smudge was around last Christmas, but we were at Mum's and she was more interested in the dog than the Christmas tree. Lexie - the awkward/annoying/adventurous one - has never seen a Christmas tree. I was expecting her to climb it instantly, but so far she's completely ignored it. And Smudge just chews the bottom branches. I put the lights on a day or two okay, to see how they coped with that. Still nothing. I'm vaguely disappointed. Half the fun of Christmas and pets is stopping them climbing the tree. Maybe when I put the tinsel on this weekend they'll show more interest. But I'm not properly decorating the place until December 1st.

I've made myself an Advent calendar. (I LOVE FELT)

It's got chocolate coins in. They've been in there for nearly a week now without me attacking them. Of course, it's not December yet. That'll be the true test of my willpower. Can I make it to Christmas day without devouring all the chocolates? Probably not. I don't think I've done that since I was about 13. I think the furthest I've gotten would be the 10th or so. I will make it to the 24th this year. I will! Maybe.

I have Christmas day all planned out. I'm alone this year. Well, just me and the cats. The only other time I've ever spent Chrismtas alone was way back in 2004. My first Christmas in Stoke; just me and Gadget. Microwave dinner. Boredom. Misery. Binging. Distress. Suicidal-ness. But I LOVE Christmas! And since I appear to be turning into a crazy-cat-lady-spinster who'll be alone for the rest of her life, I need to learn to cope with Christmas alone. So I have all kinds of plans. Including a full roast dinner :-) Mum's sending me up a whole turkey. Me and the cats will have turkey sandwiches 'til New Year. Turkey sandwiches, and turkey chowder, and turkey curry. I've got some delicious recipes for parmesan roast potatoes, and cranberry stuffing. And plans for all the trimmings. I'll be watching all the holiday shows, and Christmas movies, and making gingerbread muffins. I'm even getting my stocking. Mum's decided I'm too old now, but I've convinced Cayden to make me one :-) (I am making him one in return). And presents!

One of my worries about spending Christmas alone was not having any presents to open. So I brought myself a couple of things, and wrapped them and gave them to Cayden. And I'm participating in a load of swaps on Ravelry. I've not opened any of the packages I've received since my birthday. They're all for Christmas day. Two of the swaps were Advent swaps - they contain 24 mini gifts each. When I received one of the packages, I messaged on the forum thread to say that I'd received it and to explain why I wouldn't be opening it just yet. I had over a dozen Ravellers demand my address so they could send me presents. I'd been having a bad day, and when I read those messages I almost burst into tears. Yet again, I'm utterly overwhelmed by the kindness and generosity of Ravellers.

Even the cats have some presents under the tree. Or they will do by Christmas day. I can't put them under now, because a certain little fluffypants will rip into them before Christmas. I have a teeny tiny santa hat for them too. It'll be interesting to see if I can get any decent pictures of them wearing it.

So, Christmas is all set. It will be fun, and enjoyable. Even if I have to kill someone to do it.

I kinda want to rant a little about the bad stuff that's going on in my life, but I don't want to spoil the Christmas post. I'll write all that crap later.

Merry Christmas!

Happy Holidays!

Jolly Kwanza!

Merry Hannukah!

Happy Christmakah!

Etc etc etc.

Project 200 - 60/140

2011-11-23T05:25:00.004Z

Here's another one :-)

This one is a choker, but I think the yarn I used made it a little too wide to wear for any occasion bar a S&M event.

60 down
140 to go

Project 200 - 59/141

2011-10-31T20:09:00.001Z

So I finished this several days ago, but only just realised it was a Project 200 piece.

They're lovely and warm, although a little bulky to really be doing anything with. But they'll keep my hands warm while I'm outside, and still let me use my phone.

59 down
141 to go

Project 200 - 58/142

2011-10-22T19:48:00.001+01:00

And here's another little one. Hurt my fingers working on this guy. The actual crochet wasn't too bad, but the sewing up was hell.

58 down
142 to go

Affected by my dreams

2011-10-15T12:54:00.003+01:00

It's kind of disturbing how much you can be affected by your dreams. Last night I had a dodgy dream (as usual). I was in a relationship with a guy, and we were both wizards who were victimised by the local community. For most of the dream we were trying to protect our home and ourselves from attack. That part was kinda scary, but during the whole thing I was loved. He was absolutely crazily in love with me, and that feeling was there the entire time. I felt loved, I felt wanted, I felt cared for. And he was always hugging me, and kissing me, and checking on me.

And then I woke up.

I hate waking up.

Now I'm in the real world, which is just as scary. I still get victimised in the street for who I am, but I don't have cool magic to compensate. And I'm alone. I have more friends than I did have, but I'm alone. Not loved, not wanted, not cared for. Not in that sense. There isn't a man I can turn to for a cuddle at any moment. No one to kiss me, or hold me. And now I'm utterly overwhelmed with sadness and loneliness and misery.

I have things to do today, but all I really want to do is cry. Curl up in bed and cry, because I feel so alone and so sad. All because of a sodding dream.

Project 200 - 57/143

2011-09-29T19:35:00.002+01:00

Here's another one. Just a cute little bag that looks like it's made from dragon scales. It's not, although that would be so cool. I bet it'd be hell to work with though.

57 down
143 to go

Project 200 - 56/144

2011-09-24T17:00:00.001+01:00

Here's another one. Despite the lack of blogs, I have been working on Project 200, I've just been doing some of the bigger pieces. Having said that, the Hogwarts roleplay thing I do on Ravelry is back, so there'll be a few more things linked to that, hopefully.

56 down
144 to go

2nd Crochetversary - Mammoth Secret Project Reveal

2011-09-15T15:22:00.006+01:00

Two years ago today (well, Tuesday actually) I was in America. Living at the University of Southern Maine. I decided that I wanted to learn how to crochet. Technically I'd wanted to know several months before hand, but I just couldn't get it. I tried and failed many times to even start off. But at this time, sat at my desk in Phillippi Hall, I decided I was going to learn, damnit!

To YOUTUBE!!!

I watched several dozen videos, and eventually taught myself. And I made this:

And once I figured out that I could do it, I just didn't stop. I kept going and going. I made several little amigurumis those few months in America,and now I'm making huge things. Like the Mammoth Secret Project, which I can finally reveal!

My little sister Jennie got married last November. Last April I started making her and her husband a purple quilt. It took a really, really long time. They opened the parcel a few days ago, only 10 months late.

I'm quite chuffed with it :-)

Here's to many more years of crochet.

Project 200 - 55/145

2011-09-02T07:45:00.001+01:00

Here's another one. I'm slowly getting back into the habit of finishing one every few days. (Now I've said that there probably won't be anymore for ages).

55 down
145 to go

Project 200 - 54/146

2011-08-28T03:16:00.001+01:00

I finished this one a week or so ago, but I've only just realised that it's a Project 200 piece. My Mum's friend had started to make herself a scarf but was bored of it, so asked me to do it. I used a Project 200 pattern, but because it was a commission piece, I forgot about the Project 200 aspect.

54 down
146 to go

Project 200 - 53/147

2011-08-28T03:13:00.001+01:00

Here's Wopper.

He's a Pokemon apparently. I've never watched/seen/played Pokemon, but there are a lot of them in my Project 200 folder because they're just so darned cute.

53 down
147 to go

Project 200 - 52/148

2011-08-25T01:51:00.002+01:00

I finished another project piece... finally!

I'm not too sure how I feel about this one. There's a bit of a story to go with it. When I was putting together the list of projects for the challenge, I picked a cross stitch piece of the mask from the Phantom of the Opera. When I actually decided to work that piece I had a problem. There was shading... about four different colours, but no key. I didn't know which colours to use. I couldn't remember where I'd gotten the pattern from. Somewhere on the internet, ages and ages ago. I googled, a lot. I searched for a couple of days to try and find the pattern again, so I could find the key, but I couldn't find it anywhere. So I redrew it. Sketched the shape a billion times until it was right, then added some shading. But I only used one shade other than the white, and I'm not an artist so I don't know the art of shading. But I did it. And I stitched it, eventually.

Half of me isn't sure it turned out too well, but I look at it sideways I think it worked. So I'm a little dubious, but it's done, so I can move on.

52 down
148 to go

Hey there blog land

2011-08-25T01:38:00.005+01:00

I've been a bit lacking in the news front, I know, but I'm trying to adjust that. I restart my social life in a few weeks, so there'll be lots of chaos and madness and events to talk about :-)

In recent news though a few days ago was my 16th embroiderversary.

I can't be sure of the actual date I first started doing cross stitch. It feels like I've been doing it forever. And I have trouble distinguishing a time line for my memories, but I definitely remember doing cross stitch in the back garden with my step-mother when I was 12, so a few years ago (when I first decided to start marking these silly anniversaries) I picked a date in August at random. So there you go. 16 years (minimum) of doing cross stitch.

To commemorate, here are some of the pieces I've been working on. Yes, they're Christmas motifs. Yes, I'm aware that it's the summer. But I'm making Christmas cards to sell in the Etsy store I'm setting up soon.

Project 200 - 51/149

2011-08-02T13:57:00.002+01:00

As you all know, I've recently taken to baking. I'm also very very messy. So I made myself an apron. It's a reasonably good one too. I love the dotty fabric. And it's all hemmed by hand because I don't have a sewing machine. Let's not mention how many gazillion yards of fabric it took because I'm a heffer.

51 down
149 to go

Filbert

2011-07-25T10:08:00.003+01:00

Thought I'd show some stitching. This isn't a Project 200 piece, but it's something I quite like. His name is Filbert, and he's the first in a range I'm making for my Etsy store. I can't sell this guy, because my last safety eye was a little squished in (I don't know if you can tell by the picture). I'll be making lots more in the same basic shape with differing decorations and will sell them for loads of moolah. Well, little bits of moolah that will build up :-)

Not as Miserable as I Sound

2011-07-23T06:13:00.002+01:00

For anyone who actually read my last post, or my blog in general, I just wanna let you all know that I'm not actually as miserable as I sound. Yes, I have depression. Yes, just getting up everyday takes a tremendous amount of effort. But I'm not miserable every second of every day.

My entire life when I've had a journal I've had the same problem. I write when I'm stressed, or frustrated, or miserable. And I rarely write when I'm happy and contented. So it looks like my life copmletely sucks. I've just never had an internet read my journal before. So I'll try to write more positive posts.

I did eventually get back to sleep yesterday. And I slept for a whole 17 hours. Felt great afterwards. Still do. I've been up all night technically (woke up at midnight), but I've gotten quite a bit done. I feel productive. I like feeling productive. One of my OCD things is writing lists. Obsessive lists. Lists of everything. The biggest being to-do lists. Lots of them. So when I get to check things off that list, it makes me feel good. I've crossed off a few today, and even though there's still a bajillion things left on it, I feel good.

Of course, feeling good might have a little to do with the hot chocolate cobbler I just ate, but I've counted it in my daily points total, so it's even guilt-free chocolate cobbler.

My life really isn't that bad. I could sit here and easily list the bad things, and there are plenty of them. But if you read my blog at all, you know most of them already. You probably don't know many (if any) of the good things.

I'm talented. I forget it sometimes, but I am. If you look around my house there are dozens of examples of beautiful cross stitch and cute little crochet/knit creatures. And although I've got writer's block at the moment, I have files of some pretty good writing. And a shelf full of books that my poems have been printed in.

I may not be conventionally attractive, but I'm cute. I have a little button nose, and big bright blue eyes. And if you ignore the myriad of scars, I have lots of soft, smooth, clear skin.

I'm generous, and kind, and friendly (once I get past the crippling shyness and anxiety). I'm good with kids. I'm good with animals. I cook the most delicious muffins, and I have a few other recipes I excel at. Creamy chicken and corn chowder, anyone? Chocolate cream pie? I know a certain gentleman who'd eat three of my chocolate cream pies if it wouldn't make his stomach explode.

And I'm lucky. I don't always feel like it, but I am. I have a roof over my head, and food to eat. I don't live in an area where I need to worry about terrorists or war. I have water and electric and heat and clothes. A lot of the time I feel like my life is completely pointless and that it isn't worth living. I need to remember that there are so many millions and millions of people who have it a lot worse than me. I may have trouble finding the energy to leave the house, but I do have a house I can be agoraphobic in. And I can afford the chocolate cake to binge on.

I might not have a social life, or many friends, but I still have people I can talk to. I have two friends who have stuck by me throughout all the shit I dole out, and who don't mind my foibles. They haven't abandoned me when I ranted about them. They're still my friends, and sometimes it might take them a while to reply to messages, but they always do. One of them is just simply wonderful. I admitted some things I'd lied to him about, and he didn't bat an eyelid. He's kind, and friendly, and sweet. And even though he has a lot of his own troubles, he's always there to help me deal with mine. He walks into town centres to get my meds when I can't, even though he's feeling ill himself. I wish I could adequately explain to him how grateful I am that he's my friend.

I have two beautiful cats, even if they are completely cuckoo. They pee in the wrong places, and they scratch, and they run around the house making a racket while I'm trying to sleep. But they're cute, and affectionate, and funny, and they give little nose-kisses, and they're my constant companions. Without my pets I'd be even more insane than I am now. Right now Smudge is asleep on a box. Well, she's trying to sleep. Lexie is on top of her, chewing on her own tail. Smudge is staring at her, like she wants her to explode. It's quite cute to see.

I'm not always happy, but I'm quite often content. Right now I'm content. My butt hurts from sitting on this awkward chair for too long, but I'm content.

Just wanted to let the internet know I'm not always miserable and stroppy.

Don't know what to title this...

2011-07-22T04:04:00.002+01:00

It's 4 in the morning, and I'm awake. Not by choice. I want to be asleep. I was asleep until a couple of hours ago when my body decided that it was time to get up, whether I liked it or not.

So here I am. I know I haven't blogged in a while, and I don't really have an excuse. The good news is the Mammoth Secret Project is finished! It only took 15 months (which was 8 months too long), but it is now done! I can't reveal it just yet, because it hasn't been delivered. Look for the big reveal at some point in September.

It does mean that I can go back to working on Project 200 things though. I have one piece I've finished but haven't revealed yet, because it needs ironing and then I need to get Cayden to take a picture of me in it. But Project 200 is back on track. Having said that, I have got two more big things due soon. I need to have most of my Christmas presents done by early September for when I go down south next. And we plan to open the Etsy store in September, so I need to get lots of products done for that. So there will probably be no big significant work done on Project 200 until at least September - but I'm working occasionally on one or two pieces.

So that's where I am craftwise. In other news... well my lovelife is as dead and defunct as it has been for months. I'm still besotted with someone who switches between hot and cold every five seconds. Supposedly I'm going to stay with him for a few days in August, but judging from the tremendous Neil-triggered episode I had the other day, I'm not entirely sure it's a good idea. I want to talk about it, but I don't think I can. It's all confused and complicated in my head. The sensible part of me, not that it's very big, is constantly making snide little remarks. Probably very wise and clever remarks. But it is always completely overshadowed by the huge and strong part of me that loves him and doesn't want to give him up.

I was about to start writing about how my friend-life is going, and dieting, and family, and everything else. But that's really kinda dull. Nothing has changed. I'm hoping to get some changes in life in September. I'll be going back to Stitch and Bitch, and Role Playing, and other groups I've found.

My life is plodding along as it has been for years. I know what I want from my life, and I'm working towards getting those things. But it's slow, very slow, and I'm not so good at maintaining confidence.

I have no idea what I'm writing about now. I just have that common urge to write, and don't know what the hell to write about. And all that does is bring back writer's block frustrations.

ARGH! I want to be asleep. Either asleep, or eating large amounts of ice cream. I have no ice cream :(

Feltaversary

2011-07-15T01:29:00.004+01:00

July 14th 2011 is my 2nd Feltaversary. Which means that two years ago I made this delightful little piece.

I haven't shown much of my work recently, because it hasn't been Project 200 stuff. I've been working on pieces for my Etsy store, and designing patterns, and trying to finish this damn Mammoth Secret Project. But I have been working with some felt for the store, so I can show you one or two pieces.

Sorry for the misery

2011-07-03T22:45:00.004+01:00

Hiya Internetz. Sorry about the lack of blogging. And I'm sorry that this blog will be a bit miserable too.

I haven't been blogging mostly because I haven't been finishing off any Project 200 crafts. I've been working on patterns and designs for my upcoming Etsy store, and project testing those patterns, and making other pieces to sell. I have been working on Project 200, it's just been small parts of big projects. I have restarted the Mammoth Secret Project. Well... I haven't "restarted" it, that would be insane. But I have started working on it again. I'm getting there. I'd like to have it finished by the start of September, so that I can deliver the bloody thing. That's all I'm working on this month. That and two or three cross stitch pieces. Nothing else. Not until the MSP is finished.

In the meantime... ouch. I have the plague. Well, I have the flu. Probably not even flu. More like a cold. But I don't do sick well. I do sick like a man. I feel like I'm dying. I have a completely stuffed head, a nose that can't decide if it's runny or stuffed, a stomach that gets queasy when I think about eating but that has me starving all the time. The light hurts. No energy. Can't stop sleeping. Mind you, that isn't all that different from normal.

I feel... wrong. I want nothing more than to be curled up in bed with a certain Lancashire Lad, watching a movie or something. And I can't have that. There's not much more in life that I want other than that. I wanted ice cream and milkshake earlier, and spent four hours mustering energy to go out to Sainsbury's, before I remembered that it was Sunday and the shops had been closed for hours. Wham. Depression. Because I wasn't in a bad mood already.

When I thought I was moving to Basingstoke, I scoured the internet looking for clubs and groups and societies and classes and things to get myself a social life. Checked out all the libraries and colleges and community centres and things. In the past week I've been doing the same thing for here, now that I've decided to stay. I'm going to start getting bus passes in September again, and go back to Stitch and Bitch at Keele, and restart Brownies, and join all these new groups. Get myself a social life. Give myself somewhere to go, make some new friends.

Except that right at this very moment, that seems like a really stupid thing to do. Yes, it kinda sucks being lonely. But it's safe. I can't get hurt or wound up or anything by people if I don't interact with any of them. People are evil. What I really want to do is stay the hell away from all of them.

I wish I could switch myself off. I don't mean that to sound suicidal, because it isn't meant to be. I'm not suicidal. I don't want to die. There are lots of things in life that I want, that I enjoy, that I look forward to. It's just that 90% of the time I'm not enjoying myself. I'm working hard, all the time, just to stay conscious and not collapse in a big pile of flesh and tears. I'm so tired of it. I want an off-switch. So I could just turn myself off right now, and wake up again when it's Christmas. Or when Neil is better and wants me again. Or when they've found a cure for depression.

I'm tired, and ill, and frustrated, and angry, and worried, and exceedingly uncomfortable and all I want is Neil. And then I feel worse, because I'm not meant to want him. He's just my friend now, nothing more. I shouldn't want him anymore than I want Cayden. But I do. I want Neil, and I want to stop feeling so shit all the bloody time.

I Seriously Dislike Being a Grownup

2011-06-24T12:00:00.002+01:00

I really, really hate being a grownup. I hate having to make decisions that are about what I SHOULD do rather than what I WANT to do. We spend our entire childhood wanting to be grownups, so we can do what we want. Then we realise that we can't, really.

Considering that I just spend half an hour on the phone with National Debtline, I don't think I should go to America next year. And that really, really sucks. Anyone know any rich chubby-chasers who want to marry me?

I called the National Debtline because I have two companies claiming they're collecting the same debt, and I didn't know what to do. National Debtline advised me what to do with that situation, and they took all my details about all my other debts too. I came out of that phonecall in tears, but a good kind. Sort of. There's so much I didn't realise about what I'm entitled to, regarding my debts and things.

For instance.. I don't have to put up with a million phone calls a day. I can tell them to only contact me in writing. And I don't have to only go out once a bloody fortnight because I can't afford bus tickets. Travel is considered a necessity, even for people who don't actually have anywhere to go.

I really, REALLY want to go to New York next year. I want to go to New York now. But, I can't afford it. And that totally sucks. I hate being a grownup. Have I mentioned that?

In the meantime, I have some letters to write.

My Pledge

2011-06-22T07:50:00.002+01:00

Most of this will be of absolutely no interest to anyone who reads my blog, but it's my promise to myself, and I feel like if it is out in public then it's official and I have to stick to it.

So, I love New York City. I LOVE New York City. I've been a few times now. I went for my birthday for 10 days in 2005. And I went twice while I was out in Maine for four months in 2009. And I want to go back. All the time. Constantly! My ultimate dream is to live there one day. And I've decided that for my 30th birthday next year I'm going back. I've never been there WITH anyone before, but hopefully that'll happen in a few years when Cayden can afford it (we're going to cross off "Christmas in New York" from my bucket list). But I'm going back next year. Decision made.

Can I afford it? No.

Is that going to stop me? No.

Since last year my financial common sense has improved incredibly. I'm paying off my debts, slowly, and I'm paying my bills when I'm supposed to. I still owe quite a lot of money, and one debt that specifically gets on my mind is the money that I owe Neil. I'm currently going through a severe spring-cleaning phase and seling lots that I own on eBay. And I'm also opening an Etsy store in a few months that should make a bit of money.

I don't think any of this is coming out in any sense of order. Bear with me.

In 2010 I did that New Thing: Challenges thing, for the year. The reward system was that for every challenge I passed I got to save a certain amount of money, and for each challenge that I failed, I had to donate the same amount of money. Because I'm me, I didn't save or donate anything, but I did keep records of all the amounts. This year, I'm doing Project 200, and for each piece that I complete I get to save £1.50. There have been a few things that I was saving for, but New York has just overtaken all of them in importance.

I have a tin, that I save all the money in. And to make sure that I actually save, a good friend looks after the tin for me. So far this year I saved a bit of money, but had to break into it to pay my broadband bill last month. So the saving has restarted. But... every penny earned from eBay will go into the tin. Every penny earned from Etsy will go into the tin.

I'm also going to crack down on what I spend my money on each payday. I tend to buy a lot of crap. I'm going to write "New York" on my wallet, to remind myself why I'm saving. And I'm going to consciously think about whether or not I'm buying something because I WANT it or because I NEED it. (Yes, I know this is just everyday common sense, but I don't have any of that). All my spare money will go towards this trip.

Throughout this year, I'm clearing quite a few of my debts, too. Which means that I'll have more money every fortnight. Except that I won't. I'm going to stick to the bare basics I'm on now, and put the extra money towards the trip.

But (and here's where the pledge is important)... I still owe Neil quite a bit of money. I owe Jen a little, and my sister, and Cayden too. None of them will ever ask me for the money, even though every single one could use it. Especially Neil. And the money I owe him is actually quite a big amount. So... even if I have my flight paid off, and the hotel all booked, and all my dollars in my wallet...

I will not go to New York next year unless I have paid back Cayden, Jen and Jennie. And at least half of what I owe Neil.

All I have to do now is go and rewrite the list of stuff I have to do next payday. I'm now not buying quite a few bits, and I need to factor in a bus ticket to the blood donation centre. I wish they paid for blood in this country. And I wish I could have a garage sale. So much easier than eBay, and less fees.

Anyway... All this I pledge, in the name of New York City!

Ode to Audrey

2011-06-15T12:18:00.002+01:00

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a post about how angry I was feeling with certain aspects of my life. In that post I referred to two different people. One of them, the male, was very understanding. He apologised for hurting me, and told me he wished he could express himself the way I do in my blog.

The other one didn't take it so well. A short time after I posted, I had a text message from her. An angry, offended message. I told her that I hadn't meant to upset her, that I was just being honest. I haven't heard anything from her since. Nothing. At all. It looks like that friendship is over.

And I am extraordinarly sad about that. I've known her for four and a half years, and in that time she completely changed my life. We are very, very different people, but we have a lot in common too. We both love America. We both struggle with depression. We both find rockers extremely attractive. We both love peanut butter. We both like crafting.

In fact, she was the person who taught me to knit. For months and months I would cross stitch while she would knit, and she would offer to teach me, and I would tell her to sod off. And eventually I gave in. And I am so grateful that I did. I love knitting, and knitting lead to crochet, which I also love.

She taught me a lot. Before her, I'd wear jeans and a t-shirt. I always had my hair up in a ponytail. Now I wear dresses, and skirts, and jewellery, and I get haircuts, and hairstyles (ish), and very occasionally I wear a bit of makeup. I'm still not a girly-girl, but I'm ever so slightly more refined that I was before her.

I have a tattoo that represents her. I always said I wouldn't get tattoos for people, but I decided that even if we never spoke again, she'd had such a huge impact on my life that I wanted to commemorate that. So on my back I have a red heart intertwined with a purple star. The red heart represents her, and the purple star is for me. Red was always her colour, and she doodles a curly heart beneath her signature. And my favourite colour is purple, and my signature shape is a star.

I influenced her a little too. At least, I like to think so. She now has that swirly heart tattooed on her hip. And hopefully I rubbed off a little bit of her "goody two shoes". I made her a little bit badder, and she made me a little bit gooder. And let's ignore that horrendously bad grammar.

I'm glad that she is happy with her boyfriend, and her job, and her life. And I want nothing more than for her happiness to last. But I am very sad that I can't be a part of what makes her happy.

I think about her a lot. When I think a rnadom thought, or have something to celebrate, or something to commiserate, I still want to text her. And everything reminds me of her. One of the handmade soaps that I received this morning smells like J'adore, her signature perfume. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, which made me think of her. I found an old theatre ticket. I saw an advert for Wicked.

We did a lot, she and I. There was That Summer - lots of debauchery I shall not get into. And several incidents involving alcohol. All of which make me smile now that I look back at them. She was my "plus one" at my aunt's birthday party, and at my sister's wedding. She met, and enchanted, my entire family. She helped me rehome my cat, and collect several cats, and collect and rehome a rabbit. We shopped in Camden, and cried during a theatre trip to Wicked. We saw comedians, and dodgy musical shows, and brilliant musicals. I will never hear a song from Wicked and not think about her. Or Joseph the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Or Phantom of the Opera. I will never watch Strictly Come Dancing without thinking about her. Or a vampire movie. Or a Spiderman movie. Or read a vampire novel. Or eat a quiche. Or a Morrison's salad, or drink milkshake, or eat a doughnut without thinking about her. I will never go to a circus without thinking about her. I'll stop here. I could write an encyclopedia of things that will remind me of her.

I love her, and I miss her, and I hope our estrangement will end at some point in the future.

I do have to say though, that I don't regret that post. I regret that I hurt her, but I don't regret using my blog to vent my frustrations.
I

I got goodies :-)

2011-06-15T10:35:00.003+01:00

One of the swaps I run on Ravelry is a Round Robin Envelope group. You get a large envelope and it goes around a group of ten(ish) people, who each put in a present for you. You, in turn, receive everyone elses envelopes and put in a present for them. At the end of the swap, your presents come back to you. I'm only participating in one circle in this group, and this morning my package arrived!!!

I got...

- two delicious handmade soaps. One smells exactly like Jen, which kinda made me sad, but I'll explain about that in a different post.
- two belt buckles - need to google belt patterns now!
- a fortune cookie - my fortune was something boring, cookie was delicious. I love those things.
- some absolutely gorgeous little beads
- a reel of beautiful classic ribbon
- a handmade card - which is far too nice for anybody I know
- a beautiful little notebook - has a quote on it: "Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear, and the blind can see."
- two beautiful beaded bracelets
- a collection of cute little stitchmarkers
- some mini notecards with cute little cats on
- an adorable handmade brooch, with buttons on it
- a pen and a mechanical pencil, and a ruler - can never have too many of those

I think that's it. It's possible that Lexie has already run off with something.

Thank you to everyone who sent me things :D

Double Chocolate Cream Pie

2011-06-05T20:28:00.001+01:00

Hey, look at me. I can bake :-)

This was delicious. Gone from the plate very very quickly.

Project 200 - 50/150

2011-06-04T13:30:00.002+01:00

Here I am... A quarter of the way through. Admittedly I haven't completed a lot in the past week or so, but who cares.

50 down
150 to go

Angry

2011-06-02T15:14:00.003+01:00

WARNING - THIS POST CONTAINS RANTS. THEY ARE SLIGHTLY NONSENSICAL. THERE IS BAD GRAMMAR AND SENTENCE STRUCTURE. THERE IS ALSO RANTING ABOUT SPECIFIC PEOPLE - PLEASE DO NOT GET MAD AT ME. THIS IS MY ONLY OUTLET.

I’m angry. I don’t know why I’m angry at the moment, when I’m usually sad, but I am! I’m angry damnit. I’m angry with the world.

I’m angry that stupid little injuries keep happening to me. I’m not as much of a klutz as the world makes me out to be. All I did was generously donate a bed frame to someone who needed it, and now I’m missing a freaking toenail for fuck’s sake! Despite spending the last decade of my life not taking care of myself properly, I do it right this time. I call medical professionals for advice, I clean and cover my wound. And then when I go to change the dressing, the stupid sodding gauze sticks to the fresh nail growing in and rips it fucking out! So now it’s freshly painful, and I have to keep in uncovered to let the nail grow in, which means cleaning it every two minutes to stop an infection coming in.

And I’m angry with my friends. One makes absolutely no effort to see me anymore. Now that she has her job, and her live-in boyfriend, she’s just not interested in me or our friendship. I can’t think of the last time she came round to see me without me inviting her, or without her wanting to use my parking space to get into town. She doesn’t text me first. She doesn’t message me or call me. I miss her. She’s my best friend. She’s the handprint on my heart. I know I’m not the easiest person to be friends with. I guess it’s understandable that she’d much rather spend her free time with her boyfriend.

I’m angry with my other friend too. A couple of weeks ago he was here literally non-stop for over a week. He was my lodger. I’m not complaining about that. I loved that. I love his company, and I love that he makes me less self-conscious about my foibles. Then he goes home to his parents for a weekend, and when he comes back everything has changed. He’s been sick, and depressed, and things are getting to him, but in nearly three weeks I’ve seen him once, and spoken to him only a few times. I feel like he’s avoiding me. I KNOW he isn’t, but it feels like it. And I’m angry at myself for being so paranoid and insecure, but I’m angry at him because he knows I’m insecure and paranoid and worry easily and... And there’s all kinds of mess with his participation in a Ravelry swap that I’m running, and I don’t want to push him because I know he’s depressed and that he can’t help it, but it’s frustrating me, and I’m getting flack from other Ravelers because I’m the moderator and I’m meant to do something. I’m just angry.

I’m angry with men in general actually. I belong to four social-networking/dating sites. I have on my profile, clearly stated, that I am only looking for friendship. So these men message me. I get the usual messages of men asking me for a fuck. I’m used to them. I ignore them. Then I get the fully grown men sending “hey bbe, wot u up 2”. What the hell is that? Aside from all the glaringly obvious issues, where the hell is the question mark? Then there are the ones that feel the need to message me and tell me I’m fat, or that I’m ugly. Why? What satisfaction can they possibly get from insulting a stranger? But you know what makes me the angriest? The ones who start a normal conversation. The ones who I respond to, and we get chatting, and we swap mobile numbers, and we keep texting, and we’re getting along nicely, and then they start flirting. Ok, I like to flirt. Then the flirting turns into much more than flirting, and I’m not comfortable, so I remind them that I’m only looking for friends. “That’s fine,” they say. “We can be friends.” Then I never bloody hear from them again. That makes me bloody angry.

I’m angry with life. What did I do in my past life to deserve having such shit piled on me this time round? Why do I deserve to be a depressive? Why do things keep going wrong? Why do things go wrong for the people I love? What in the hell did Neil do to deserve having his baby brother blown up? How the hell is that justified?

I’m angry with myself as well. I had this amazing plan for making products, and designing patterns, to sell in an Etsy store. I made a conscious decision to start designing things. Since then I’ve worked on a few patterns, but haven’t done a stitch of craftwork. Haven’t started any products for my Etsy store. Haven’t worked on any Project 200 pieces. None. And I don’t know why. I just don’t care. And that scares me, because crafting is all I have, and if I stop wanting to do that, what the hell am I going to do with my life?

I’m angry about weightloss too. I like the Weightwatchers plan. I was a bit miffed when they switched to this new complicated ProPoints scheme, but I got used to it. I learned to like it, I learned to use it. When I can afford to go regularly, Weightwatchers works for me. But it’s £6 a meeting, plus a £4 bus ticket to get there. That’s £10 a week. And they don’t let you skip meetings. You have to go EVERY SINGLE WEEK. So that’s £20 a month. After bills I only have £60-75 a fortnight to spend on gas, electric, groceries and catfood. That’s all the money I have. I can’t afford to do that. So when I found a set of bathroom scales that has a high enough weight limit for me, I was pleased. Yes, they’re a bit expensive. But I got them from a catalogue and I can pay them off at £2.40 a week. No more expensive Weightwatchers meetings. I stick to the plan and weigh at home once a week. Nice. Simple. The scales arrive and I weigh myself. Horrible number, but expected. I stick to the plan. I point my food. I behave myself damnit! And come the first weigh-in, I’ve put on 5lbs. 5lbs in 4 days. How the hell? None of my whole three friends are available for support or comfort, and I get depressed, and deal with it by binge eating. So now next weigh-in I’ll weigh even more. I hate it. I hate the whole bloody process.

I’m angry. Very angry. And it’s weird and different. I don’t do anger. I do misery, and depression, and gut-wrenching sorrow. But I’m none of those things. I want to cry, but it’s out of frustration, not sadness. I’m angry and I want to punch a bloody wall. I want to punch a person. I’m not violent, but I want to get violent with someone. I’m so angry with everything, and I don’t know what to do about it.

Lexie

2011-05-29T18:28:00.002+01:00

You see this adorable ball of brown and white and ginger fluff? She's so sweet. She's cute and cuddly and affectionate and amusing. She also pees everywhere. ABSOLUTELY EVERYWHERE.

I've had her for around two months now, and for the entire time she's been peeing on my bed. With or without me in it. I changed the type of litter I used, and got her a separate tray in case she didn't want to share with Smudge. And she's litter trained. She'll use the tray. But she also pees on the bed. I brought a nice expensive deodorising pet spray, to remove her scent. And I've used it all up already. I tried squirting her with water when she squats. I tried putting a litter tray in the bedroom. I tried picking her up and plonking her in the tray every time she squats. I recently spent two weeks in the bedroom so that I could watch her every second. All to no avail.

The current plan is keeping her out of the bedroom. All the time. Which sucks, because I like it when my girls sleep with me. And for the past few days I've been letting her in for 10-20 minutes at a time. During those times I don't do anything at all except watch her. And she's only squatted once. I was beginning to optimistically hope that it might be working. And then...

Today I discovered that she's been peeing in the living room. Oh, and I found stains in the bedroom in places other than the bed. She peed on my hand-knitted blanket. She peed on a pile of stuffed toys. She's been peeing on the sofa. She peed on a couple of bags of yarn I had lying around. She peed in every single open box on the living room floor - which is quite a few, cos Smudge likes to sleep in them.

I don't know what to do now. I've googled, and I'm going to buy an orange-scented room spray on Tuesday, because apparently cats don't like orange. I'm also going to take her to the vet to get her checked for a UTI. But I can't do that for two weeks. I need to go to the PDSA to register her on Tuesday, and then make an appointment. And unless they have an appointment free on Tuesday, I can't afford to take her until two Tuesdays after that.

Is it wrong that I hope she has an infection? If she has an infection, we can cure it and she'll stop peeing. If she doesn't have an infection, then I'm all out of ideas. Short of never doing anything ever again aside from follow her around and squirt her when she squats.

Decision re. Project 200

2011-05-26T13:47:00.003+01:00

Today has been very rough emotionally, and my decision to move to Basingstoke has changed. Instead, I'm going for a different dream. One that is going to need money. So, I'm moving my focus onto making items in order to start an Etsy store to raise money. I'm also going to selling a lot of non-handmade stuff on Ebay. I'd sell a kidney if I knew how.

I'm never going to complete Project 200 as well as make lots to sell - I'm starting with cross-stitched Christmas cards - but I don't want to give up on it altogether, so I'm turning it into a 2 year project.

I'm going to be creating and testing a lot of patterns in the near future, hopefully. Anyone want to be a pattern tester?

Cheesed Off

2011-05-26T07:58:00.003+01:00

Here are just a few reasons why I'm cheesed off right now..

- things in my family have gotten messy and I can't do anything to help
- everybody in my family is annoyed at everyone else for crossed messages and not understanding things and just the stupid situation as it stands
- I have a headache. Not that nice kind of headache you can sleep through, but the evil kind that wakes you up in tears because it's so flipping bad
- One of my friends is too busy with her life to reply to text messages
- My other friend is still awol. Alive, according to the offline MSN message I got, but that's all I've heard from him in over a week
- I'm annoyed at myself that I only have two friends I can hang out with
- An old friend keeps texting to see what I'm up to and asking if he can come over - despite the fact that the last time we spoke he spent two hours insulting me and my life
- I've been chatting to guys online, trying to make friends, and we get on okay until I mention I only want to be friends, then they vanish, or block me
- The one guy who didn't vanish is still persistently being overly flirty, and if I don't respond to a text within ten minutes he sends the exact same text again
- I don't have the energy to get up and do anything
- I can't focus on more than one or two rows of any craft project
- I can't muster the energy to go and sit in the lounge, and I can hear both cats outside the bedroom door meowing because I won't let them in, but I can't let them in because Lexie won't stop peeing on the bloody bed
- I don't have vast amounts of ice cream in the freezer
- I don't have ANY ice cream in the freezer
- I'm in love with someone who is in love with me, but it won't work and I have to deal with that fact, but I really don't want to
- I'm going stir crazy in my house, but I have absolutely no where to go
- Even if I had somewhere to go, I have no money to get there
- I'm lonely as hell
- I'm frustrated, due to certain urges having been awoken
- I'm annoyed because I've woken up hours earlier than intended, but I can't get back to sleep

- I'm not incredibly annoyed because every time I phone my mother, about anything, we end up getting into an argument about Michaela and she yells at me
- I'm annoyed that I actually let myself believe that my relationship with that woman had gotten any better
- I'm annoyed with life in general, and I hate everything

A bit of a rant

2011-05-24T10:41:00.003+01:00

More ranting about how crap my life is. Feel free to skip it.

For the past week, one of my friends has been AWOL. Heard from him the evening before we were meant to meet up, then nothing. He never showed up to meeting me, he didn't answer his phone, he wasn't on MSN, he wasn't on Twitter or Facebook, he wasn't responding to texts or emails. Just gone. Very unlike him. And I'm a paranoid person. One of my biggest fears is that a friend will die, and I'll never know because no one will think to tell me. So that's been preying on my mind. I messaged a couple of mutual friends we have, and one got back to me saying she hadn't heard from him either, which didn't help. I was going to look up his parents in the phone book and try calling them, but then he got back to me this morning. When I logged on to MSN this morning he'd left me an online message. He's ill and depressed, but he's alive. So I feel a little better.

Still feel crappy though. BIG BIG BIG family issues, and at the moment there is nothing I can do about it. My mum is having trouble dealing with my teenage sister, and it's causing all kinds of chaos. I've offered to have her live with me, but two hundred miles is too far away. So I made the decision last week to move back to Basingstoke. I hate Basingstoke, but I don't have a lot up here in the Midlands for me anymore. Two friends - one of whom works a lot and has just moved in with her boyfriend. I'll see her as much as I see her now, just with a bit more planning. The other has parents a couple of towns over from Basingstoke, so I'd still see him when he visits. There are a lot of benefits to moving back down south. I'd be closer to my sisters, and my step-brothers and their kids. I'd get to see all my little cousins and neices and nephews grow up. If I get stir-crazy or lonely there are lots of family friends in the town who'd love to have me over for a cup of tea. Generally the south is more expensive, but the weekly bus ticket in Basingstoke is about £6 cheaper, so I could afford to get out and about, and there are lots of societies and clubs I'd like to join. And, most importantly, I'd be able to help mum out with Michaela. If nothing else, I'd be somewhere for Michaela to go when things get too much.

The quickest move is to go private, but to do that I'd need about £800 for a deposit and first month's rent, and I can't afford that at the moment. So I've applied to the Council/Housing Association's Housing Register. I have connections in the area, and my Dr is writing a letter to prove that it'd be good for my depression. So I won't be at the bottom of their list, but it'll still take a while.

Yesterday the situation down there blew up a little bit. I need to get down there as soon as I can, and until I do there's nothing I can do to help the situation, which is killing me. I'm helpless up here. It's aggravating my depression, and I'm currently festering in a pit of episodey-ness, with no outlet.

I've been cooking. I have a peanut butter pie setting in the freezer, and garlic-ginger chicken marinating in the fridge, but once again I have no one to share my delicious goods with, with is depressing.

And I'm tired. Been sleeping odd hours, and I'm tired. My depression makes me tired, my anti-depressants make me tired, my current situation is making me tired, and not sleeping properly is making me tired. I'm fucking tired! I so desperately want to go lie down and sleep for months.

Project 200 - 49/151

2011-05-23T03:17:00.003+01:00

Very nearly a quarter of the way through.

49 down
151 to go

and for an extra little bonus...

Remember this?

The Slytherin scarf was a quarter of a Project 200 piece. I still can't mark it as complete yet, but here's the second quarter...

Project 200 - 48/152

2011-05-18T06:49:00.003+01:00

Here's another one. Even if I don't manage to complete the May Blitz, at least I'm getting loads done. This is May 15th's piece.

48 down
152 to go

Guess what's special about this post...

2011-05-17T11:35:00.003+01:00

Project 200 - 47/153

2011-05-17T01:52:00.003+01:00

Here's the next one. I'm a couple of days out, I've been getting over a bit of an emotional blip. Big interesting post coming about that.

Technically he's finished. I've completed the pattern. But I'm going to do a border of purple, and some kind of backing, and add a suction cup to the top so I can stick him on the window come Christmas. There's another little Christmas penguin in the project coming up at some point, too.

47 down
153 to go

Project 200 - 46/154

2011-05-15T04:48:00.002+01:00

And another one...

This piece took me 3 months, almost exactly. And it counts as May 13th's piece in the May Blitz.

46 down
154 to go

Project 200 - 45/155

2011-05-15T01:17:00.002+01:00

And here's May 12th's bit. This little guy has only 18 rows of knitting, but it took me forever. He was made on DPNs, and I'm incredibly inexperienced with those. The first time I tried, it took me two hours to cast on and figure out how to join the round. I did a few rounds and realised I had a twist, and I had to rip it all back. I was very disheartened with the project, and put it aside for a few days. But today I started him again and got him finished. :-)

45 down
155 to go

Project 200 - 44/156

2011-05-14T15:05:00.002+01:00

Ok, there has been a bit of lag in the May Blitz, because I've been having a bit of an episode. But here is May 11th's piece.

44 down
156 to go

Desperate attempt at distraction

2011-05-11T21:27:00.001+01:00

Hey there world. Right now I'm fighting those I-want-to-do-Something-Stupid feelings. And those of you who know me know what "Something Stupid" is code for. And since there isn't really anyone I can talk to, I'll tell my blog instead. Not that anybody really reads this. I don't even know why I keep posting. It's a diary, basically, and not even one I can be completely honest in. Sometimes I feel like I should just give it up, and go get a notebook. Go back to being private. At least in a notebook I could scribble down exactly what's bothering me and not be vague and semi-secretive.

For instance, there are some issues with my family. Chaotic, big, messy issues that I can't escape from. But I can't talk about it freely on here. Because I don't know if any of the people involve will ever come on here. Not to mention that it's an issue with a minor, and there are probably lots of legal issues involved. Besides, if I said that I was planning on kidnapping my baby sister, there would be all kinds of uproar. But it's driving me crazy. I moved 200 miles away to get away from family, and I'm still messed up in everything. And I wish so much that I could just forget about it, and pretend it doesn't all exist, but I can't do that. Because it's a big fucking great big mess and I worry too much and can't switch my sodding brain off.

And it's not just the family issues. It's everything. And I mean everything! At all times of the day I have a million things being worried about in my head. I worry that I can't stop Lexie peeing on the damn bed. I worry that someone I care about it is going to get mugged or attacked randomly. I worry about the floods in Memphis - I don't even know anyone in flipping Memphis. I worry about the friends of a friend who live in Japan. I worry about being depressed forever. I worry about having to throw away some milk because it's expired, but I shouldn't be throwing food away cos there are people in the world starving. I worry about my current situation with Neil. I worry about whether or not my friends are still talking to me when I haven't heard from them in a day or two. I worry that Smudge isn't happy anymore. I worry about whether the pain in my chest is a heart attack or angina or something. I worry about whether that headache is a migraine. I worry about whether or not I make too much noise for my downstairs neighbour. I worry about whether that low rumble is thunder, or a truck, or a bomb gearing up to explode somewhere. I worry about EVERYTHING. All the freaking time. And the only thing that stops it is sleep. Except for when the worrying becomes nightmares and I wake up crying, or sweating, or shaking. It sucks. I want a lobotomy.

And I'm just generally feeling crappy at the moment. I've been episodey for a week, and every day some new little thing happens that just makes me feel worse. Like the baking. In the past few days I've made peanut butter muffins, a delicious toad-in-the-hole and an absolutely exquisite apple crumble. And I've had no one to share it with. I'm developing this skill and talent and delight in baking, but I have no one to bake for. So I can make the Butter Pecan cookies I have a recipe for, but there's no one to try them, and eating them all by myself probably isn't good for me either.
I'm so pathetic and lonely I have no one to bake for.

And lonely is definitely the word for it. I have three friends. Three fucking friends! One of them is my ex-boyfriend I shouldn't even be talking to, anyway. One of them is very busy caught up in work and in moving in with her boyfriend and I've barely seen her in months. The other one went home for two weeks and I missed his company like crazy, and was really excited for when he got back, but he's barely spoken to me since and I know he's injured himself and is busy, but I'm crazy and paranoid and insecure and I feel like he's mad at me or is avoiding me. So I worry about that.

And I'm not dealing so well with the Neil thing. I love him. Every single part of me loves him. I love him as much as I did when we first met. My heart still does flippity flops when I look at pictures of him, or when I see a text from him on my phone. And yes, I was unhappy with the situation we were in, but I am so much more unhappy without him. I hate that he's not a part of my life anymore. I hate it. I want to take it back. I want to go back to how we were. And as much as not talking to him would kill me, talking to me is kind of killing me too. I have to be careful about what I say to him, for the first time since before we met. I've never, ever, had to think about holding back before. I've always been able to tell him absolutely anything. And now we talk, and we're friends, but I can't tell him that I miss him like crazy and want so much to be in his arms. I can't tell him that I love him.

I kinda hate life as it is at the moment. I'm rapidly heading out of episodey and right slap bang into Episode. There are several things I know can get me out of it, and I can't get any of them. I can't get compliments or cuddles from Neil. I'm out of ice cream, and the chocolate in the fridge is designated for those cookies. I can either have the three cans of ravioli in the cupboard, or use my grocery money to buy a curry, or more ingredients for ice cream. Or I can do Something Stupid. And right now, Something Stupid is incredibly appealing. Other alternative, curling up and crying myself to sleep. I'm good at that. I do it a lot.

Project 200 - 43/157

2011-05-10T19:15:00.003+01:00

Here's May 10th's piece. Had to rip back quite a few times on this one.

43 down
157 to go

Project 200 - 42/158

2011-05-09T22:23:00.001+01:00

Here's the piece for today...

42 down
158 to go

Project 200 - 39/161 - 40/160 - 41/159

2011-05-08T17:50:00.003+01:00

Here's May 6th's piece...

And May 7th's piece...

And May 8th's piece (tbat's today :-D)...

41 down
159 to go

Project 200 - 38/162

2011-05-06T16:49:00.003+01:00

Here's that flower piece I mentioned in my last post, May 5th's piece.

I'm pleased with how I've been going so far this month. Five down in five days :-)

38 down
162 to go

Project 200 - 37/163

2011-05-05T21:23:00.002+01:00

Here's May 4th's piece.

Today's (May 5th's) is very nearly done. I just have a couple more petals to do, and I want to sew it to some felt, to flatten out them out. But I'm just far too tired to finish it tonight.

37 down
163 to go

Project 200 - 36/164

2011-05-04T22:54:00.001+01:00

And here's May 3rd's project... and his cute little tail.

36 down
164 to go

Project 200 - 35/165

2011-05-04T12:37:00.003+01:00

Here's the next one, May 2nd's piece.

May 3rd's is coming up in a few hours, and hopefully May 4th as well. Wish I had a Star Wars themed project.

35 down
165 to go

Project 200 - 34/166

2011-05-02T08:33:00.002+01:00

Here's another piece.

A self-designed blackwork Cleo. I'm working on designing a whole alphabet in the same style, which will be available for sale in the Etsy store I'm gonna set up at some undetermined date in the future. I've got lots of plans for the store, but have no idea when it'll be up and running.

Another big undertaking I'm... well, undertaking... is the Big May Blitz. I've said previously that I want to hit 50 projects by the end of May. This morning I decided to up that a little. I want to finish a project a day in May. That's the thoery anyway. This here is May 1st's piece, and I'll be adding May 2nd's piece later. If I can manage it, that'll take me to 64 pieces. They will, quite obviously, all be small pieces.

If I manage to get the numbers that high, the plan for June is not to do any Project 200 pieces until the Mammoth Secret Project is finished. For those not in the know, the Mammoth Secret Project is what I started in April last year for my sister's wedding present. My sister got married in November and the MSP wasn't finished. I've kind of been avoiding it this year, using the Project 200 as an excuse, but I've already made the MSP their Christmas present last year (and didn't deliver), I REALLY don't want it to be a first anniversary present. So new deadline is the start of September. I'll be going down South for another family wedding, and a birthday, and I'll be able to give it to them and see them open it, which I really want. Ummm... I'm rambling. Point is, it needs finishing damn it, and I plan to get it done in June. In theory.

Project 200 - 33/167

2011-04-28T07:12:00.002+01:00

Here's another one. A little embroidery, nice and simple. Aside from the MAJOR hassle getting hold of the buttons. Would have been easier if I wasn't so fussy.

But here they are..

I should mention that they come from the wonderful Wild Olive's blog.

33 down
167 to go

Project 200 - 32/168

2011-04-25T16:32:00.003+01:00

Here's another one. Six little blackworked Christmas ornaments. The first of very very many Christmas projects in this endeavour.

32 down
168 to go

State of life at the moment

2011-04-22T19:12:00.002+01:00

I have a horrible headache. Evil, migraine-like, headache. Aside from that...

I have just officially reapplied to Keele. I finally got a reference for my UCAS application, and I finished my icky, evil personal statement. Paid the stupid fee, and the application is sent off.

I regret dropping out of Keele last year. I messed it up, and I hate myself for that. If I'd had the student loan years I would have switched degrees instead of just dropping out. But you only get five years of student loan, and I used 1 doing half an HND a while ago. So I had to drop out.

However... a while ago Cayden told me he'd heard a rumour that only the tuition fee loan has a limit. In theory, I can get unlimited maintainence loans. I called the Student Loan people and confirmed this. It's up to one person to review my application and make the decision. If I can get a student loan, I can pay the tuition fee with that, and use my incapacity benefit to exist as I have been... but back at University.

But there are a lot of "if"s. Keele might not accept me. Even if they do, the Student Loan people might not give me any money. If there's no money, I can not afford to go back. And this is the last year possible for this opportunity. Starting next year tuition fees go up to £9000 a year, which is waaayyy too much.

There's not a lot I can do now but wait. If I get a consideration letter from Keele I can apply for the Student Loan. Just gotta wait for that letter.

I've applied to do Film Studies with Media, Communications and Culture. Bit of a mouthful, isn't it? But I have a history in film and media, and it's something I'd enjoy. As long as no one tries to make me get in front of the camera. But we'll see.

There is another possible with this. If I get accepted into Keele, I could have the chance to do Study Abroad all over again. IF the Study Abroad department lets me. I'm going to Keele regardless of whether I spend that semester in England or in America, but the chance to have that do-over would be incredible. I've wanted to study in America since I was five. I wanted to go to Kindergarten, and Junior High and High School and College. It was item number 1 on my bucket list, and I blew it. I completely wasted the opportunity that I was given in 2009, and I hate myself for that. If I get the chance to do it again, I'm going to do my damnedest to not blow it.

It'll be harder financially, but Cayden is helping me save. Every spare pound I get goes to him and he puts it in a tin for me. When I get Student Loans, I'll pay tuition fee, and get a bus ticket, but the rest of it will go to him to save for study abroad. But that's a whole other IF. And not one I need to think about for a while.

In the meantime... I'm still working on Project 200. Lots of crafting going on at the moment. There are six works in progress just within my eyesight, another one that just needs some buttons adding to it, and another that I'm about to start.

I have a daily routine. Admittedly I slept a bit late today, but I've had Cayden here for two weeks and he's helped me get into a routine of getting up no later than 11.30 and going to bed no later than 12.30. I'm gonna try and stick to that now that he's gone, but no guarantees.

There are a lot of other thoughts and emotions and things that are going on in me right now, mostly about Neil. I'm not quite sure how to begin to express them, because I'm very conscious of who reads this blog, and who doesn't. I'm still talking to Neil. I've been talking to him a lot recently, flirting and chatting, and discussing some emotional stuff. And certain people don't approve of that. I know they're just worried about me getting hurt again, but I'm.... Aaarrrggghhhh. It's a mess. It's hard to describe how I feel. And I KNOW that I'm just asking to end up hurting again as long as I keep talking to him, but I can't stop, and I don't want to. Urgh. Maybe my thoughts about this will make a little more sense in a few days. Highly unlikely, but maybe.

Project 200 - 31/169

2011-04-21T20:57:00.001+01:00

Here's one of those quick little ones I mentioned in my last post...

31 down
169 to go

Project 200 - 30/170

2011-04-21T20:51:00.003+01:00

I haven't blogged in a while, mostly because I've had company for the past two weeks and we've been using my laptop as a TV. But also because I haven't completed many projects. I've been working hard on a few decent sized ones, and am starting to finish them.

Like this one. My first ever cable project.

I did realise though, that this is project 30 of 200, and I'm nearly 4 months in. Waaayyy off target. So my new semi-target is to have 50 done by the end of May. So I'll be doing lots and lots of little ones.

30 done
170 to go

Week of the Muffins

2011-04-13T18:46:00.002+01:00

I like to bake. I'm not always very good at it, but I like to bake. And, without blowing my own trumpet, I'm actually pretty good at muffins. I have a million muffin recipes, but I haven't been able to bake properly in months because of the stupid issues with NPower and the gas. This week I've had gas.. and a working over... and so muffins.

Monday night I made peppermint muffins - they were absolutely delicious.
Yesterday I made sweetcorn & chilli muffins - they didn't rise, and were a little dry (which I fixed by adding more milk for the second half) - but they were also delicious.
This morning I made gingerbread muffins, which were so good I gave a few people foodgasms.
In the oven right now are some bacon and cheddar muffins. I'm sure there'll be delicious.
Tomorrow I'm trying out a chicken and sweetcorn muffin, and on Saturday I'll be making chocolate cheesecake muffins.

Then I get paid next Tuesday, so I'm thinking of stocking up on ingredients for even more muffins! Sweet potato, roasted chilli and feta cheese, anyone? Pineapple and passionfruit? Peanut butter and banana?

I'm going to turn into a muffin at this rate.

Photo Missions - update

2011-04-02T17:26:00.007+01:00

My original plan for this year was to do WEEKLY photo missions. It hasn't quite turned out like that. With bad lighting, and bad moods, I've ended up doing several missions at a time. And I haven't yet done the last four week's worth. Then last night I realised it was another Friday and another theme had to be done, and I had a mild panic attack. It just isn't worth it. So I'm giving up the weekly photo missions.

I'm not giving up entirely though. I'm switching to MONTHLY photo missions. With slightly easier themes, and a total of 20 photos for each.

I did get a little bit of the last few weeks done though, so here they are...

Here are 10 Paper pictures...

Here are five Long pictures...

And here are 9 Trebles pictures...

And at the end of the month I'll post the April Photo Mission results.

Project 200 - 29/171

2011-04-02T17:06:00.004+01:00

This is the biggest Project 200 piece I've done so far. It's taken me two months.

It's a large, flat humbug!

Lol, no it's not.

It's SNAPE!!

Snape, Snape, Serverus Snape, Snape, Snape, Serverus Snape.... DUMBLEDORE!! Sorry. I just woke up; I'm a little giddy.

29 down
171 to go

Project 200 - 28/172

2011-03-31T11:31:00.002+01:00

I've done as many projects as I am old. I need to stop doing the little projects though, or I won't have any left for the rest of the year. I have three big projects I'm partway through that I really need to finish.

28 down
172 to go

Internet Disillusionment

2011-03-28T19:18:00.002+01:00

I have a lot of mental issues. Aside from my depression, I also have a problem with agoraphobia. It's been a lot easier to manage in recent years, but ten years ago I'd have a panic attack whenever I left the house. So I didn't leave. I found comfort and companionship in the internet.

I LOVE the internet. You can find anything and everything you want somewhere online, and probably things you don't want to find too. There was a time when even if I didn't see or speak to a person in weeks, I was never lonely, because I had a whole community of friends online. From all over the world. So at any time of day or night, whatever was on my mind, I always had someone to talk to.

Things have changed a lot since then. I moved, and my agoraphobia subsided. I went to university, I met people IRL. I became a little more normal. But then I had my big breakdown, and dropped out of university, and had major money issues, and stopped getting regular bus tickets, and stopped going out and...

I deny it. Whenever anyone mentions that I don't go out, I tell them that it's just because I have nowhere to go. But it's more than that. I don't WANT to go out. I don't have anywhere to go, but I could go for a walk. I started to, when I was activating the Puppy Plan. Then I broke up with Neil and didn't go out for walks anymore. A part of me wants to go out for a walk, but a bigger part of me really, REALLY doesn't want to leave the house. There are lots of things I could do. I could use £3 on a payday to get a dayrider and ride the buses around randomly... I enjoy that. Or I could go for a walk. I could just go and sit on the grass across the road and read a damn book. But I don't want to. I'm lonely, but Inside is safe, and Outside is not. I don't know what I think will happen. I just want to stay indoors where I'm safe. And yes, I'm fully aware that this is a problem that needs dealing with, but it's not actually why I'm writing.

I've lived in solitude before, and wasn't lonely. But I'm lonely now. In the past I've had "text harems". A dozen people I could text when I was feeling blue, or just bored. Now there are 41 contacts on my phone and only 9 of them are actual people as opposed to businesses. Most of those are family. There are precisely three people I can talk to when I'm bored or miserable. One is too busy with work. One is my exboyfriend who I'm still in love with and probably shouldn't even be talking to. One currently has enough problems of his own.

Aside from missing the text harem, the internet is starting to feel like a lonely place too. I talk to dozens of people, but mostly on the Ravelry swaps I run, and people there are usually annoyed with me being so OCD and persistent about my listkeeping and checks. My MSN contacts list has only a few people on it, and most of them are never online (or have me blocked). I have 37 friends on Facebook, and nearly all of them are family. Social networking is HUGE at the moment... so how come I don't have any friends? Am I really that repulsive that even my online persona isn't worth talking to?

The Tell-Tale Tattoo

2011-03-27T14:33:00.001+01:00

On my back, just hovering over my right shoulder blade, is a tattoo. Inked in the sharp curves of Klingon script, the letters translate to read “wordsmith”. I have 21 tattoos to date, but this is the one that sticks most fiercely in the forefront of my brain. It is the tell-tale tattoo. Throughout my day of internet surfing, crafting and playing with cats, the tattoo throbs. The word echoes in my brain.

On one of many shelves in my bedroom is a series of books. Books that have my poems in them. Published works. I’m a published writer. Except that I haven’t written anything in years. I’m not a writer. I’m not a wordsmith. I’m a fraud. I have lists of ideas, and a million first drafts and random paragraphs. And I have a million excuses to not sit down and write. I need to finish that knitting project. I need to feed the cat. The rug needs vacuuming. I need to defrost the freezer. I need to do absolutely anything except sit down and face the fact that I can’t write anymore.

I can open a blank page, or try to work on a half-finished piece, and all I do is sit there. Sit there waiting for inspiration to strike. Waiting for the words to flow through me onto the page. Sit there feeling like a fraud and an imposter. My shoulder heating up with the slow burn of that tell-tale tattoo.

Even now. I’m writing. And I’m pleased that I’m writing. I’m ecstatic and over-the-moon that words are appearing on the page in front of me. But I don’t know what I’m writing. These sentences don’t make sense to anyone but me. They have no form. They’re mere ramblings and nonsense. I have a blog for that. In fact, I may well copy this over to the blog in a moment. But I’m meant to be writing! Poetry! Prose! Fiction! I have this idea of the tell-tale tattoo in my head. It’s been there for years. My own personal homage to Edgar Allan Poe. But I can’t manifest that idea into an actual piece.

Perhaps... perhaps my problem lies in first person. I hate my own life. I hate myself. I find nothing about my own personality or life to be interesting, so why would I think anyone else would? Why do I write in first person all the time? My common sense is telling me that perhaps I don’t write in my journal/blog enough. Perhaps I have too many thoughts and feelings and emotions to get out of the way before I can start to create. And now that I have isolated the problem, I can work on the solution. I need to keep up with these inane ramblings. When there’s nothing more to flow, then perhaps I can create.

In the meantime, my tell-tale tattoo story needs a protagonist. Someone who isn’t me. Someone who isn’t quite nerdy enough to get a tattoo in Klingon.

Project 200 - 27/173

2011-03-25T12:03:00.001Z

Here's yet another cat. And I believe there are more in the folder too. I don't think I can deny the fact that I really am a crazy cat lady. I'm not just heading there, I'm already there.

27 down
173 to go

Project 200 - 26/174

2011-03-22T15:20:00.003Z

Here, have a picture of a nice innocent looking ball.

That is NOT an innocent ball. That is an EVIL BALL OF EVILNESS!!!

I'd like to end it here; leave everyone confused, but I'm not going to. This ball was made on DPNs (double pointed needles). Normally you knit with 2 needles that each only have one working end. With DPNs you're working with up to 5 needles, each with two working ends. DPNs are also evil. I have never been able to get the hand of DPNs; I tend to lose stitches very easily. So this project was a little intimidating.

Add to that the following complications...

- learning a new cast on
- learning a new bind off
- a fiddly pattern anyway
- a pattern that wasn't written with enough instruction and took two people to translate

It was not fun. But I'm pleased with the end result, and I have new skills.

26 down
174 to go

Project 200 - 25/175

2011-03-20T22:03:00.002Z

I'm an 8th of the way through :-)

25 down
175 to go

How I'm Feeling Right Now

2011-03-20T03:06:00.002Z

Shit. Crap. Rubbish. Lonely. Stupid. Miserable. Pathetic.

There. That's how I'm feeling right now. I was feeling much better than that earlier. Chatting on MSN with a handsome Scotsman. And by "chatting" I mean "flirting". Made me feel lovely. But then he decided to do a disappearing act, and now I feel foolish and pathetic.

Smudge is still hissing at Lexie. Lexie is the new kitten, by the way. They haven't fought, and Lexie doesn't run and hide. She'll stand her ground, hair on end, not looking happy while Smudge hisses and growls and hisses and growls. And I know that it'll wear off, even though it might take a few weeks, but I'm tired and upset and the hissing is really grating on my nerves.

I'm lonely. I don't have a lot of family I'm close to, but even the ones I could hang out with are hundreds of miles away. One of my three friends has been far too busy for me in months, and hasn't been bothered to check on me since I broke up with Neil. I think the second friend is asleep. And the third friend is Neil - who I think has decided we shouldn't be talking, since he hasn't replied in a day or two. Plus, I can't really talk to him about how I feel.

That's it. All my sources of comfort and support and distraction. I like my own company; I like having control over everything in my home and things. And in a social situation I'd much rather be with a few close friends somewhere quiet than with hundreds of people in a nightclub or a festival. But right now, when I feel lost and pathetic, I just feel alone and horrible. How pathetic am I that the only cuddles and comfort I can get is from cats?

Nameless kitten

2011-03-18T00:21:00.003Z

So, despite my deep desire to own a dog, I got another cat. I would really, REALLY love to have a dog, but right now I can't really afford one, and I'm not really fit enough to walk one. Plus, I was offered this beautiful little ball of fluff..

He is a 7 and a half week old little ball of fluff. Except that he has a vagina, so he's not actually a he. He's also currently nameless. I had some ideas, but none of them really fit him. And he hasn't provided me with one of his own yet, like Smudge did. I'm sure it'll come to me.

Please forgive the bad pictures: I haven't had him during a daytime yet, and the lighting in my apartment is atrocious.

She's only been here a few hours so far, and has been isolated to the bedroom. She came in, looked around, ate a lot, then fell asleep. Slap bang in the middle of the bed, leaving me with just the edges. But she woke up about half an hour ago and has been running around squeaking at everything, including me any time I move. She doesn't appear to have developed a meow yet, just a squeak.

Smudge has been given reign of the living room. I went in to see her earlier, and make sure she knows I still love her. She had a sniff around the house, but didn't go anywhere near the bedroom. I don't think the dozy beast has even cottoned on that there's another animal in the house. She'll figure it out eventually.

Pure and Fresh

2011-03-17T03:35:00.003Z

Someone called me "pure and fresh" today. Not exactly how I'd describe myself. I'm not entirely sure how I'd describe myself. Right now I'm probably more likely to use words like "alone" and "miserable" and "a mess". I'm not doing so well. The crying fits have stopped. Aside from a binge-day last week, and a minor cutting session, I'm not taking it out on myself physically. Just a lot of feeling very very miserable.

It appears that I've developed a "thing". When a big relationship ends I cut my own hair. When Michael dumped me, waayyy back in 2002, I got frustrated with my hair during an episode and tried to cut it. Didn't work, and I ended up shaving my head. This time I didn't end up bald. And to be honest, cutting the hair wasn't so much to do with Neil, as convenience. I'm still having issues with NPower, and have no gas or hot water. I can have stand up washes in front of my little electric heater, but it's been impossible to wash my hair. I've been going weeks and weeks at a time without doing anything to it, and it was nearly always matted and knotted and horrible. I got annoyed with it. Brushed it out, chopped it to my ears, and washed it in the kitchen sink. Feels sooo much better. It's now too short to tie back and ignore, and short enough for me to wash with a kettleful of water. It's just coincidental timing that it happened at the end of a relationship.

Aside from that, I'm slowly getting my routine back together. I feel like the entire inside of my body is a big pit of despair and misery, but I'm getting out of bed, and I'm crafting, and I'm washing up, and so on. My leaving-the-house has been reduced back to never. And my sleeping pattern is completely out of whack. But I'm okay. I'll be okay. Eventually. Maybe.

Project 200 - 24/176

2011-03-17T03:09:00.001Z

Another little cross-stitch thing:

24 down
176 to go

Double Knitting

2011-03-15T00:31:00.003Z

These pieces aren't part of Project 200, but they're a new knitting technique I've learnt. It's called Double Knitting, and you end up with the reverse looking the same as the front but in mirrored colours. Very cool.

Project 200 - 23/177

2011-03-15T00:29:00.002Z

Here's another one. Had a bit of a gap because I've been working on some bigger pieces.

Lonely

2011-03-07T18:19:00.002Z

On Saturday I broke up with Neil. I loe him with my whole heart, and would do anything to spend more time with him. He isn't bothered by the fact that he hasn't seen me since the end of July. It's been lopsided for years, and I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I hate that I did it, and I wish I could take it back. But it was the right thing to do. It hasn't been right since the first time we split up... way back in 2008. I just... I'm deluded.

But I miss him like crazy. I want to text him and take it back :( I'm generally fine during the day. Yesterday I got up and did the usual things I do. I did some housework and some crafting and some paperwork and things. Went to bed at a usual time, and cried for four straight hours. Was not pretty.

And I'm lonely. I'm pretty sure one of my friends isn't talking to me too. I don't know what I've done, but they aren't really responding to my messages, vanished off MSN when I logged on earlier, and hasn't mentioned my breaking up with Neil.

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry right now.

Hard decisions

2011-03-06T12:30:00.003Z

Ever had to make a decision, that you really wish you hadn't? I know it was the right thing to do. Things have been off for months. More like years. It was the right thing to do. It was the right thing to do. It was the right thing to do. It needed doing.

So why do I want to take it back?

I need to stop focussing on the good stuff. The good stuff stopped after a couple of months. I need to remind myself of all the bad stuff. Of the reasons why i made that decision. There were reasons. Lots of them. I stressed about it for months. And it needed doing, damn it!

I just wish it didn't hurt so much :(

FAO Kokokat

2011-03-03T23:28:00.001Z

Ages and ages ago I participated in a swap on Ravelry and received, amongst other wonderful bits and pieces, a gorgeous hat. The person who sent it to me asked me for a picture, because she'd forgotten to take one for her records. I've finally gotten around to it.

As modelled by my monkey Maxx.

Photo Missions - N, Purple, P

2011-03-01T17:32:00.009Z

I've done another lot of three again. Here's N...

Nail polish

Nails

Nine marbles

NNN

Nickel

Notebooks

Necklace

Nutella

Nose

Needles

And here's some purple ones...

And finally, P...

Puzzle

Pennies

Passport

Pills

Pens

Paw

Paper

Paperclips

Pins

Pegs